Parents moving in with You

santino

So, my parents in-law are renting in Wicklow for the last 10 years. Their lease is not being renewed this year due to sale of the property. They love the area but can't afford another property there, we're all aware of the rent crisis etc etc. My wife and I live down the country in another city and it has been briefly discussed that they might have to live with us for a time, either short or long term. Before I go on, I must say that I love them and we get on 100% BUT we only rarely see each other due to distance etc.
If they move in, I'm expecting some issues but will try to be grown up about it.

Anyone else have similar experiences and what one could expect?

pc7

Have you room for them? Have you children? For me it would be a last resort (and we get on great). Are there other siblings? Will they want to stay with you when the want to visit their parents? I’d look at all other options first. The fact they are there ten years should give them a huge notice period to look at other options.

Deebles McBeebles

pc7 wrote: »

The fact they are there ten years should give them a huge notice period to look at other options.

16 weeks for anything over an 8 year tenancy.

SusanC10

I would have an in-depth chat with your wife on this. Talk about as many "what ifs" as possible now before making any decision.
For me it would have to be a last resort for either my own family or my husband's.
Unless you have a very large house or a Granny flat or similar.

pc7

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

16 weeks for anything over an 8 year tenancy.

Seems to be 34 weeks according to RTB
https://onestopshop.rtb.ie/ending-a-tenancy/notice-periods-that-a-landlord-should-give/

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

16 weeks for anything over an 8 year tenancy.

That's how much notice a tenant must give a landlord. If the landlord is terminating a tenancy of > 8 years' duration, he or she must give 224 days' notice (32 weeks) to the tenant.

pc7

Quick daft search shows 10 property’s in Wicklow under 1k. Have they looked at any?

Pelvis

Why would they have to move in with you? I would have thought a "mature" couple with a reference from a 10 year lease would be snapped up by other landlords. Surely they can find an alternative in the notice period they would have been provided?

Deebles McBeebles

pc7 wrote: »

Seems to be 34 weeks according to RTB
https://onestopshop.rtb.ie/ending-a-tenancy/notice-periods-that-a-landlord-should-give/

Right you are, 16 weeks is the notice required by the landlord when ending an 8 year plus tenancy.

Hoboo

Can they rent a property near you while they look for something else? There are plenty of properties I'm sure at similar levels further out than Wicklow.

seamus

As above, talk to your wife and ensure that you are both on the same page here. You're not the child of the parents, so you're in the tougher position, you have less room to stand up for yourself. She's the child so you are relying on her to be the representative for your family and to be honest and blunt with her parents when necessary.

If you're agreed that them living with you is OK, then you need to sit down like four adults and set the ground rules for her parents. It is your house. Your rules. I'm sure her parents haven't been in this scenario for years, and may expect her to be the child, but the relationship is reversed. They do things your way, or they go somewhere else.

If at all possible to try set up separate living rooms. A TV and a couch where you and your wife can relax, and a separate one where your parents can relax. Even if this is a TV in a bedroom, having a space that's not shared will be essential for everyone's health.

Sundew

Avoid if you can......had in-laws living with us for 3 mths whilst renovations were being done on their home. It was a nightmare.....be prepared for your home not to be your own....scowling and frowning at your methods of doing things. We felt like strangers in our home. For the sake of harmony and your own quiet enjoyment of your home......avoid,avoid,avoid!

Mr. Incognito

Ask your wife not AH

santino

Just the 2 of them, no other siblings. I didn't look at daft but maybe we should... We have room but it'll just be the 4 of us living together.
I think the issue with the property is a developer has bought it. They also got notice about it in November, but kind of sat on their hands I would say...

What are the general ages involved?

Ghekko

I couldn't do it. I'd feel my house wasn't my own. Will you be expected to cook, clean up after them? Or will they take over and want to cook and expect you at the table at a certain time each evening. Will you all sit together in the evenings watching tv, will they want to know where you are going on a night out and comment if you make noise coming in late? Will they pay rent, towards bills etc? There is so much to think about. I'd be open to a couple of months with the view to them finding somewhere else. If it's all going fantastically well then you could offer for them to stay.

jimgoose

Not a hope in Hell.

jester77

No chance, my nearest family/inlaws are 4 hours away. That is close enough for me.

Wheety

I could not do this unless there was a separate self-contained unit.

zl1whqvjs75cdy

No chance. I get on unbelievably well with my in laws but there would be no hope I'd let them move in with us.

The J Stands for Jay

You need to set ground rules.
Give them a curfew.
Separate bedrooms: no shenanigans under your roof.
You choose the meals and TV viewings.
They need to let you know where they'll be all the time, and call you if they'll be late.
Set parental controls on Netflix, dvd player, WiFi etc.

Sleepy

Not a fvcking chance I'd live with either the in-laws or my own parents.

Cockadoodledoo

I will put it very simply:

Did it

Disaster

Never the same since

Run...

Fr_Dougal

Don’t do it.

Deebles McBeebles

Can I move in too?

santino

They're in mid 50s. Lovely people, wouldn't impose, but they have their own way of doing things. They would probably cook, clean themselves.
Have chatted with my OH, she doesn't love the idea but we wouldn't see them out being family and all. I'm just conscious I'm saying that now and not when they've moved in

Spanish Eyes

By all accounts it is not a good idea.

I cannot understand how the parents/in laws think it would be either. I would hate to give up my independence no matter what age. Did they specificially ask to live with you?

I would nearly pay half the rent on a property nearby for them if that helped.

The onus is not on you or your wife, it is on them to come up with an independent solution to their issue. They are adults, It can be done.

My answer would be NO. Sorry.

santino

Appreciate the feedback, genuinely. Looks like there are some uncomfortable conversations to be had...

pc7

Mid 50’s, so in all reality they could be living with you for next 30 years +. Honestly you’d be nuts.

retro:electro

No. If they’re still in good health and aren’t struggling financially then there’s no reason they can’t find another place for themselves. I’d be sending them links to places on daft in the hope they’d take the hint.

josip

Depending on the family it can be very hard to say no to them if they ask, especially if you get on well with them.
If you do have to do this, set a hard time limit, sit every one down and agree that no matter how hard ye end up hitting each other over the heads with bricks and frying pans during the time together, that when the time's up it's all water under the bridge and go back to how ye were before.

It'll be absolute hell.
We stay with my MIL for 4 weeks over 2 months in the summer and it's very tough for the poor woman.

She gradually retreats from the common areas but always starts to cheer up 2 days before we leave.
There are a lot of arguments and shouting, but none between in-laws thankfully.

Graces7

santino wrote: »

Appreciate the feedback, genuinely. Looks like there are some uncomfortable conversations to be had...

(((HUGS)))

StereoSound

I wouldn't do it unless it was a very serious situation.... On a need to basis sort of thing. I'm sure they could go into house sharing locally to where they are instead of going all the way out to you. Or rent a a kip for awhile until something better comes along... I'd be looking into their other housing options and deciding for myself if they really have to move in with me. I would probably conclude that they don't.

oLoonatic

Maybe ask yourself, Can you afford to rent somewhere by yourself until that works itself out. problem solved!!

Is the mother in law hot?

Spanish Eyes

Apologies if you think I am being too nosey, however, I couldn't help but notice that the people in question are mid fifties and prepared to move to another part of the country i.e. to your property.

Are they working? If so seems odd that they would move far away. If not, they may be in receipt of RA or HAP or the like and could move anywhere affordable themselves.

The big issue to consider is DO THEY WANT TO MOVE IN WITH YOU! The OP is not clear on this.

Anyway best of luck. I personally wouldn't do it, either as the home owner offering or the person in need. Unless there was absolutely no other alternative.

I think they are far too young to be reliant on you and your wife. But I mean that in the best possible way from your perspective. Think long and hard about it please.

Jurgen Klopp

A very easy way to make sure they don't stay long is setup a couple cameras in front of a nice rug in the sitting room and have your wife in lingerie and you just in your jocks when they come in some evening

When you see the shocked faces you both simply tell them "sorry lads but this is how we make a living so you'll have to get used to it"

Ronaldinho

Have to say I'm a bit taken aback by how many people are suggesting to refuse, even for a short while.
I mean I like my own space and all too - but this is family, close family at that.

Maybe it ends up being a shambles but I would find it unconscionable not to give them a dig out.

r93kaey5p2izun

My mother has moved in with me. She had nowhere to go as she couldn't secure a house share having left a difficult situation at home. I was living in a dump house share for the past few years to try save a deposit for my own house so couldn't take her. I've had to rent a house so she can live with me. It's a big financial strain but I like living with her.

GoneHome

Jeez I don't think I could do this to be honest, as much as I love my folks I value my own (head) space too much, maybe short term as in two or three weeks but I don't think I could do it beyond that, we're in our 40's they're late 60's and very open minded in every way but god no I couldn't see it working out long term for us or them.

jos28

santino wrote: »

Appreciate the feedback, genuinely. Looks like there are some uncomfortable conversations to be had...

Just imagine how uncomfortable the conversation will be if they move in and you have to ask them to leave when/if it doesn't work out. I think you'd be mad to proceed. I am a similar age to your parents and I have adult children with wives/partners, there is no way I would move into THEIR homes. No matter what the circumstances were I would not impose on them. They are young people with their own lives to lead and do not need me or my husband in the homes they have made for themselves. I'd definitely help finding them a place, help with moving etc but not living with you and your OH indefinitely.

santino

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Apologies if you think I am being too nosey, however, I couldn't help but notice that the people in question are mid fifties and prepared to move to another part of the country i.e. to your property.

Are they working? If so seems odd that they would move far away. If not, they may be in receipt of RA or HAP or the like and could move anywhere affordable themselves.

The big issue to consider is DO THEY WANT TO MOVE IN WITH YOU! The OP is not clear on this.

Anyway best of luck. I personally wouldn't do it, either as the home owner offering or the person in need. Unless there was absolutely no other alternative.

I think they are far too young to be reliant on you and your wife. But I mean that in the best possible way from your perspective. Think long and hard about it please.

Sorry for delay, work got in the way

No not being nosy at all. So, without giving too much away in case I 'out' them unintentionally, my parents in law are 'foreign' and are here about 12 years. They made a nice life for themselves in Wicklow, my wife lived with them for a while in her late teens but then left for college /work and hasn't been home since. They live about 10 mins from their work which is handy as my MIL doesn't drive. Hand on heart, I would say they would like to stay in wicklow but failing that, I think they would like to come here so they can be near their daughter/me. Much as I love them they can be quite impulsive, it's my understanding that once they found out the price/availability of other houses in Wicklow they made the decision to move down, instead of doing some homework. I appreciate this sounds mad but that's the way they are, a bit intense, as laid back as they are. I suppose as it's not their country, they have no real roots/ties here. Their other kids are back home.
Job wise, they are very educated people in their home country but have only basic English and this has probably hindered them getting better quality jobs here. The jobs they work at, they should be able to find similar work here. They're not on any benefits/RA.

It's been in my head all day lads!!

andekwarhola

I wouldn't be 100% thrilled about it but it's your wife's parents at the end of the day and personally I'll help them out whatever way I could.

SirChenjin

On the face of it, it doesn't sound like they have to move in with you. In your shoes, I would be encouraging all other options, tbh. Look at places they could rent local to where you live if they want to live near you.

They have had time to think about this and look around for alternative accommodation, but from what you say haven't really addressed that. I genuinely would not be encouraging the idea of them moving in with you. There is no pressing reason why they should.

Honestly, living with in-laws wouldn't be something most people would want, especially when there are other options.

GoneHome

andekwarhola wrote: »

I wouldn't be thrilled about it but it's your wife's parents at the end of the day

This is what it comes down to at the end of the day, what does your wife want to do about the whole situation, what does she want to do for them, maybe set a limit of like 8 weeks staying with you and by then they should have jobs sorted and you and your wife can help them find a place to rent nearby.

josip

santino wrote: »

Sorry for delay, work got in the way

No not being nosy at all. So, without giving too much away in case I 'out' them unintentionally, my parents in law are 'foreign' and are here about 12 years. They made a nice life for themselves in Wicklow, my wife lived with them for a while in her late teens but then left for college /work and hasn't been home since. They live about 10 mins from their work which is handy as my MIL doesn't drive. Hand on heart, I would say they would like to stay in wicklow but failing that, I think they would like to come here so they can be near their daughter/me. Much as I love them they can be quite impulsive, it's my understanding that once they found out the price/availability of other houses in Wicklow they made the decision to move down, instead of doing some homework. I appreciate this sounds mad but that's the way they are, a bit intense, as laid back as they are. I suppose as it's not their country, they have no real roots/ties here. Their other kids are back home.
Job wise, they are very educated people in their home country but have only basic English and this has probably hindered them getting better quality jobs here. The jobs they work at, they should be able to find similar work here. They're not on any benefits/RA.

It's been in my head all day lads!!

On a practical note, is your Polish fluent?
If they move in, the de facto language of the house will fairly quickly become Polish.
That in itself can bring additional issues beyond the basic in-laws moving in, if you're not conversant.

As stressful as it will become for you, it will be even more stressful for your wife, who will be privy to complaints from you and her parents without being able to disclose them to either side.

santino

GoneHome wrote: »

This is what it comes down to at the end of the day, what does your wife want to do about the whole situation, what does she want to do for them, maybe set a limit of like 8 weeks staying with you and by then they should have jobs sorted and you and your wife can help them find a place to rent nearby.

That's fair comment. Not sure if I said it earlier, my wife is not sold 100% on the idea, maybe 75%. She's very independent and wouldn't be VERY close to them, but from talking to her she's trying to look at it in a positive way. Only problem is, I can see there being issues down the line, not to repeat what people have said here already. One of the big ones is that issue of the parents now effectively becoming the children so to speak and how that would work.

To extrapolate a little bit, we've talked about trying to get pregnant fairly soon (my OH, not her parents, thatd be weird!!) and if it was ever to happen, it might be a good thing having them here with us (that's with my selfish cap on). Apparently it's the done thing in their culture, maybe it's just happening a bit earlier that we thought ha

GoneHome

santino wrote: »

To extrapolate a little bit, we've talked about trying to get pregnant fairly soon (my OH, not her parents, thatd be weird!!) and if it was ever to happen, it might be a good thing having them here with us (that's with my selfish cap on). Apparently it's the done thing in their culture, maybe it's just happening a bit earlier that we thought ha

Well yes there could be advantages on that score as in free childcare etc but would that weigh out the fact that your house won't be your own as such

josip

Each to their own, but I'd recommend ye to get pregnant before they move in, not after.
Some people are lucky and jackpot first month.
If you don't get bullseye early on, you don't need the added stress of the in-laws in bed arms length away from you on the other side of an Irish stud wall.
A quiet shag becomes incredibly noisy when the in-laws are next door. Been there.

The Princess Bride

Would rent be more affordable in your area versus Wicklow?
Is there any chance they'd look for work then move down if they're successful?
Then they'd be close by, but not actually living under your roof.

Yeah, could be fun trying for a baby with yo momma in law in the room next door.

mvl

unless you're living in a house with separate living spaces for the two families, I wouldn't do it for more than the usual couple of weeks holiday.

- but I would look into helping them get their own accommodation, including financial support if needed.