Men's toilet etiquette: what is wrong with so many men?

JohnnyFlash

sligojoek wrote: »

Laxatives, I'd say. It was no accident.

Dutch Gold, Bombay Mix, Might Meaty Pizza, and 40 Rothmans might be another ‘probable cause’.

The Enbalmer

A large Fray Bentos steak n kidney,a net of satsumas,a deep-fried cream egg and a bottle of Schooner sherry.

Cody montana

I took a dump in the shower once.
True story.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Dutch Gold, Bombay Mix, Might Meaty Pizza, and 40 Rothmans might be another ‘probable cause’.

Nailed that one John, had a good feed of Bombay Mix + last weekend and had a severe ‘surge’ in the bilges the following day. Pointed the brown eye at the pewter, held her on the clutch and spooled up big time.

Unfortunately lost control and sprayed the pan with gouts of spicey midden which if I am being honest,left a pretty large ‘damage footprint’ on the units and toilet furniture.

So. Bombay Mix is one thing but Bombay Mix Plus is a dangerous animal after a feed of porther.

Beware folks, just posting to advise of this issue.

Could happen to you- at a visit to the in-laws.

The Enbalmer

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Dutch Gold, Bombay Mix, Might Meaty Pizza, and 40 Rothmans might be another ‘probable cause’.

Nailed that one John, had a good feed of Bombay Mix + last weekend and had a severe ‘surge’ in the bilges the following day. Pointed the brown eye at the pewter, held her on the clutch and spooled up big time.

Unfortunately lost control and sprayed the pan with gouts of spicey midden which if I am being honest, a pretty large ‘damage footprint’ on the units and toilet furniture.

So. Bombay Mix is one thing but Bombay Mix Plus is a dangerous animal after a feed of porther.

Beware folks, just posting to advise of this issue.

Could happen to you- at a visit to the in-laws.

Did you find the spicy coating on the mix burned the ring off you when expelling the sour runnell?

Brendan Bendar

Cody montana wrote: »

I took a dump in the shower once.
True story.

Did you ‘ toe it out’?

Brendan Bendar

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Did you find the spicy coating on the mix burned the ring off you when expelling the sour runnell?

Funny your should say that,you see, there was a distinct stinging effect as the load left the unit.

The EGT reading would have been quite high, if one had a gauge measurement .

Brendan Bendar

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Funny your should say that,you see, there was a distinct stinging effect as the load left the unit.

The EGT reading would have been quite high, if one had a gauge measurement .

https://goo.gl/images/BrxVba

Ush1

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Funny your should say that,you see, there was a distinct stinging effect as the load left the unit.

The EGT reading would have been quite high, if one had a gauge measurement .

Been there after an Inferno from Four Star. My poor balloon knot was like a baboons the next day.

Deebles McBeebles

I read if you sh*t in the cistern, it cleans the toilet as you flush.

Go on, someone give it a go and report back.

padd b1975

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Did you ‘ toe it out’?

I'd say sieving it through the grate with the heel of the foot would be more your style Bren.

Pints?

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

I read if you sh*t in the cistern, it cleans the toilet as you flush.

Go on, someone give it a go and report back.

I believe that's known as an Upper Decker

Floppybits

We have someone in here that decided that they would discard their used toilet paper not in the bowl like normal folks but just throw it on the floor after wiping.

Brendan Bendar

padd b1975 wrote: »

I'd say sieveng it through the grate with the heel of the foot would be more your style Bren.

I beg your pardon P.

No, doing that would put all the pressure on your left foot and leave one very susceptible to a slip and end up in a messy heap.

*

No, the toe method is much more ergenomic and safer, the weight is on the ball of the foot rather than the sole,much safer.

Much more control too,like, try to move something with a locked wrist?

You’ll shift the big stuff allright, but the smaller stuff will escape you and still be there next week.
Not a good scenario.

* assuming right footer depositer.

Stab*City

JohnnyFlash

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Just take a shît before you go to the pub. Then don’t go for a piss until you’ve had at least 6 pints. This stuff isn’t rocket science, pal.

unless you're drinking Bulmers Pear Cider

one of the all-time great boards threads

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=60384215

padd b1975

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I beg your pardon P.

No, doing that would put all the pressure on your left foot and leave one very susceptible to a slip and end up in a messy heap.

*

No, the toe method is much more ergenomic and safer, the weight is on the ball of the foot rather than the sole,much safer.

Much more control too,like, try to move something with a locked wrist?

You’ll shift the big stuff allright, but the smaller stuff will escape you and still be there next week.
Not a good scenario.

* assuming right footer depositer.

Apologies Brendan, my post could have been taken as advice.

The last thing I'd want to do is create any needless embarrassment with ambulance staff, triage nurse, firemen etc

Wasn't thinking.

feargale

Cody montana wrote: »

I took a dump in the shower once.
True story.

It's one thing to brag about it under the anonymous cover of the internet, but I would advise you in a friendly way not publicly divulge it using your real name, because the story could follow you for life, and sometime after you have grown up you could be deeply embarrassed about it. You are clearly immune to embarrassment at the moment.

The Enbalmer

feargale wrote: »

Cody montana wrote: »

I took a dump in the shower once.
True story.

It's one thing to brag about it under the anonymous cover of the internet, but I would advise you in a friendly way not publicly divulge it using your real name, because the story could follow you for life, and sometime after you have grown up you could be deeply embarrassed about it. You are clearly immune to embarrassment at the moment.

I regularly brag about the time I shat in somebody's bath at a party and put a facecloth over it.

Still makes me chuckle out of sheer badness.

Cody montana

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Did you ‘ toe it out’?

I squashed it down the drain.
It was in a hostel as well.
😳

The Enbalmer

Cody montana wrote: »

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Did you ‘ toe it out’?

I squashed it down the drain.
It was in a hostel as well.
😳

Good work.

I shat the bed in a hostel pretty good after a feed of mythos and gyros in the fair city of athens.

I waited til the aussie backpackers had pissed off for the day and swapped one of the birds's nice clean bedclothes for my own,drenched as they were in what I like to call Black Poison.
Anyways,I make the bed up all nice like,hand my key into reception and got the hell out of there.

GinAndBitter

My brother had a weird thing going there for a while, he would piss in people's sinks, at first he said it was a convenience thing, no piss on the seat, no leaving the seat up. After a while it just became a thing "he had to do". Strange guy.

Kevin Finnerty

GinAndBitter wrote: »

My brother had a weird thing going there for a while, he would piss in people's sinks, at first he said it was a convenience thing, no piss on the seat, no leaving the seat up. After a while it just became a thing "he had to do". Strange guy.

Ha. "My brother".
Lived in an allgemeine wohnung or some such myself 20 years ago in Germany whereby there was a sink in each bedroom and a communal jax. Needless to say the sinks doubled up as pisspots.And sometimes trebled up. So the lads said anyway...

JohnnyFlash

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Good work.

I shat the bed in a hostel pretty good after a feed of mythos and gyros in the fair city of athens.

I waited til the aussie backpackers had pissed off for the day and swapped one of the birds's nice clean bedclothes for my own,drenched as they were in what I like to call Black Poison.
Anyways,I make the bed up all nice like,hand my key into reception and got the hell out of there.

Heard of a lad doing a ‘round the world’ a few years back. His heart was broken as he had to share a dorm room with a load of Aussie backpackers. Cûnts called Hayden and Nate and the like.
Anyways, he was feeling very ropey after a feed or dodgy local Thai street food the night before. And the Aussies had headed out to some temple to be rude, loud, and obnoxious. Felt a ‘whittering’ on the badge and knew instinctively that things weren’t going to be pleasant. Squat toilets don’t help if you’ve the possibility of ‘scatter gun with buckshot’. The vindictive ****er saw a sleeping bag on a bed across the room, hopped over, and unloaded a few litres of watery scutter into it. Folded the thing up, and decided to check out a day early.

sligojoek

The story of the lad pissing in the sink reminds me of this story I told a few years back.
Quite a good thread too.
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=96898048&postcount=199

Back in the late 80s I Worked for a friend of my father's in a pub in England. One of the perks was a big room on the 3rd storey of one of his houses. I had to share this room with my bosses younger brother. We'll call him davey. He deserves a thread all to himself.
Anyway, An old friend of Davey's arrived from San Fran and was thinking of hanging around for a few weeks before he went home to Ireland. Davey asked me was it OK for his mate to kip in a sleeping bag on our floor . No problem.

He turned out to be a complete nutter. He'd come in pissed every night , lie on the bed and say "Boy, am I pissed?" in an american accent every 30 seconds. At weekends he used to play The Pogues "And the Band Played Waltzing matilda" over and over.

There was a sink in the bedroom for shaving, brushing teeth etc. One night after a session he got up and went to the ground floor for a piss. There was someone else in the toillet so he said he'd run back up to the room and piss in the sink. Howver he lost count of the stairs and ran into Big Patsy's room turned and started pissing. Instead of pissing into the sink he pissed into the cot of a 6 month old baby. I can still hear the slaps he got.

Even if that never happened, he was getting the door the following day anyway. Before he came home from the pub he tried touching up the wife of the landlord (of the pub and his bedroom).

TCM

JohnnyFlash wrote:

I was at a wedding myself before Christmas, Brendan, and can confirm that they appear to bring out a more 'primal' side to some people. Typical rural wedding - red-faced lads in Dunnes Stores suits horsing into the pints in a pub across the road from the church before the ceremony had even started; some fûcking animal let a 'Helena Bonham' go that would strip paint off a trawler just as the priest was conducting the marriage rites, almost a crush at the counter once people heard there was a free bar for an hour - etc etc.

JohnnyFlash wrote:

Anyways it was about 8PM, and I needed to visit the facilities to 'park the breakfast'. I was taking my time as the beer was beginning to kick in, and I had just spent the previous hour sitting beside some tedious kent rambling on about caravan holidays in France. My time of peace and solitude was ruined though by some lad heading into the cubicle next to mine. Heard the sound of him dropping the kecks, perching on the bowl, letting a loud sigh go, then he 'disengaged the airbrakes', set the 'cabin crew doors to manual', and uploaded a bowel full of loose 'yobble' in about 5 seconds flat. Followed through with a chuckle and a 'string of pearls'; then I could hear him breathing heavily.

JohnnyFlash wrote:

I was at a wedding myself before Christmas, Brendan, and can confirm that they appear to bring out a more 'primal' side to some people. Typical rural wedding - red-faced lads in Dunnes Stores suits horsing into the pints in a pub across the road from the church before the ceremony had even started; some fûcking animal let a 'Helena Bonham' go that would strip paint off a trawler just as the priest was conducting the marriage rites, almost a crush at the counter once people heard there was a free bar for an hour - etc etc.

JohnnyFlash wrote:

Anyways it was about 8PM, and I needed to visit the facilities to 'park the breakfast'. I was taking my time as the beer was beginning to kick in, and I had just spent the previous hour sitting beside some tedious kent rambling on about caravan holidays in France. My time of peace and solitude was ruined though by some lad heading into the cubicle next to mine. Heard the sound of him dropping the kecks, perching on the bowl, letting a loud sigh go, then he 'disengaged the airbrakes', set the 'cabin crew doors to manual', and uploaded a bowel full of loose 'yobble' in about 5 seconds flat. Followed through with a chuckle and a 'string of pearls'; then I could hear him breathing heavily.

JohnnyFlash wrote:

I finished my ablations and left the cubicle in disgust. Washed my hands and turned around to head to the hand dryer. There was your man, cubicle door open, fast asleep, with the suit trousers around his ankle, and his peg pulsing out piss every time the belly expanded as he breathed out. In fairness, he wasn't seen at the reception for the rest of the night, and the rumour was that his missus made him sleep in the car that night.

JohnnyFlash wrote:

What is wrong with these people?

That's good. I can picture the scene.

sligojoek

I'm now reminded of the said Davey in the above post. Another tulip. He'd sh1te for Ireland.

One night after getting off with a woman they went back to her place, did the deed and fell asleep. He woke up in the middle of the night and felt the un-reversable pressure on the starfish. No time to go looking for the potty in a strange house, found a newspaper , squatted down and let go. He wrapped the whole lot up and slid it under the bed. After cleaning up he decided to get outta Dodge but she woke as he was leaving and got the dreaded pong. It didn't take her long to find the evidence. As she was pulling it out he said, "Don't believe everything you see in the paper", and did a runner.

sligojoek

Another Monday morning Davey arrived into the pub where I worked (his brother's pub by the way) called for a pint and headed off to the small room. Came back 10 mins later and tore into said pint. Soon after his brother arrived down and did his usual cursory checks around the place. He ran out of the bog empty reaching and arrived back with a fire tongs and a plastic bag and headed back in. On his arrival back out the conversation went something like this.

Davey: What's wrong?

Jim: Ah some fucker sh1t his underpants and tried to flush them down the jacks.

Davey: The dirty ba$tard.

As soon as Jim left with the bag of goods, Davey left to go. I asked him where he was off to. He winked and said "Down town to buy a pair of boxers".

The Enbalmer

Got a dicky stomach on holidays in portugal once.

Had been drinking heavily for a week until I drank the tapwater from the hotel one morning.

Had a quick bit of breakfast then headed down the pub in time for opening at 10 am.

Few nice pints later I felt what I assumed to be a soapy fart gathering in the bilges so I put down my pint,stood up and cocked my leg to let fly.
Instead of a gust of gas I squirted a heavy gout of foul-smelling scutter down the leg of my baggy shorts and onto the floor where it sat there fulminating.
The barman could tell from my face something was wrong so as he headed over to see what was up I grabbed a handfull of napkins and wedged them in my gusset to prevent any further leakage and got the hell out of there just as the first of the punters became aware of the horrible,stomach-grabbing stench.

A funny postscript is that on the way back to my fleapit hotel I staggered face first into a tree and knocked myself unconscious..woke up a few mins later covered in blood and my shorts bulging with sticky excreta where I'd lost control of my guts.
Great holiday,mind.

JohnnyFlash

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Got a dicky stomach on holidays in portugal once.

Had been drinking heavily for a week until I drank the tapwater from the hotel one morning.

Had a quick bit of breakfast then headed down the pub in time for opening at 10 am.

Few nice pints later I felt what I assumed to be a soapy fart gathering in the bilges so I put down my pint,stood up and cocked my leg to let fly.
Instead of a gust of gas I squirted a heavy gout of foul-smelling scutter down the leg of my baggy shorts and onto the floor where it sat there fulminating.
The barman could tell from my face something was wrong so as he headed over to see what was up I grabbed a handfull of napkins and wedged them in my gusset to prevent any further leakage and got the hell out of there just as the first of the punters became aware of the horrible,stomach-grabbing stench.

A funny postscript is that on the way back to my fleapit hotel I staggered face first into a tree and knocked myself unconscious..woke up a few mins later covered in blood and my shorts bulging with sticky excreta where I'd lost control of my guts.
Great holiday,mind.

Were you drinking the local beer? Can play havoc with the digestive system of someone who isn’t used to consuming 4 pints of it with breakfast.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Were you drinking the local beer? Can play havoc with the digestive system of someone who isn’t used to consuming 4 pints of it with breakfast.

Was on a feed of Tagus I would suggest.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Was on a feed of Tagus I would suggest.

Never tried it, but haven’t heard good reports. That fella Pintman was telling me he got caught badly short on a golf course in the Algarve after consuming about 10 pints of it the night before. Was on the old ‘Bolivian marching powder’ as well. Was just about to take a difficult 6 footer for par when he felt severe cramps down in the ‘boiler room’. Had to run over to the nearest pot bunker, drop the tartan golf shorts, and unloaded a length of bumbilical cord onto the freshly raked sand.

Didn’t even bother raking afterwards (Silloge Park member) and was heard complaining in the clubhouse afterwards that the reason he shot 80 for the back 9 was because some sand lodged in the sheriffs badge.

Zero class.

Wibbs

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

bumbilical cord

I'm sending you a bill for my keyboard after tea came shooting out my nose. :pac:

sligojoek

A lad I know has a beautiful old cottage and garden in Connemara. He gets annoyed when too many tourists come from the local BnB taking pics.

Here's an email I got from him a few years ago.

I hadta get up early round 6 am to piss but then awful dose of c**tscour hit wit vengeance so wit cool,calculating,deliberation i ran out onto the c***** road & emptied my arse right in the middle of it, now all the tourists are staring at it when walkin over the road from michael *****'s b&b, there's no rain ta wash it away & because road so narrow & it in the middle of the road even a car cant run over it so looks like it'll be there for a long time! Looks like a king cobra thats coiled up & a pointy top on it like from an ice cream machine - never let it be said i did'nt do my bit for the tourist industry

The Enbalmer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Were you drinking the local beer? Can play havoc with the digestive system of someone who isn’t used to consuming 4 pints of it with breakfast.

I think the beer was called Super Bock..i usually stashed a couple of cans the night before so I could have an early morning eye-opener on awaking.

Was drinking later with a bunch of English bowsies when I realised all I'd had to eat in three days was an apple.

"Well, that'll keep the doctor away,Paddy!"

I'll drink to that me old limey segosha!

branie2

I'm a man, and I always make sure to flush the toilet

ELM327

branie2 wrote: »

I'm a man, and I always make sure to flush the toilet

Flushing the toilet doesn't help if you've dumped in the cistern

razorblunt

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Were you drinking the local beer? Can play havoc with the digestive system of someone who isn’t used to consuming 4 pints of it with breakfast.

Sounds like a Sagres or Cristal thunder.

JohnnyFlash

branie2 wrote: »

I'm a man, and I always make sure to flush the toilet

Good for you, pal.

BobMc

Lads some priceless stories, I'm in a weakness reading them

The Enbalmer

Women are strange creatures though.

They complain if you leave to toilet seat up and complain when you leave it down and piss all over it.

Floppybits

Jesus had a close call there. The person who designed this place, who thought its a good idea to have a toilet with 2 cubicles beside the canteen and put one with 8 cubicles 2 minutes away is a sick individual. Trying to make it to the toilet while your stomach is churning away and you know you are a few seconds from flood gates opening, then you make it to the toilet and every cubicle is full except the one where someone has put a roll of bog roll down it. Well beggars cant be choosers.

Brendan Bendar

sligojoek wrote: »

A lad I know has a beautiful old cottage and garden in Connemara. He gets annoyed when too many tourists come from the local BnB taking pics.

Here's an email I got from him a few years ago.

He shoulda popped an Irish flag on it if he was that proud.

Like the lad at work who left a solid girthy ‘King Edward’ lolling in the pan and popped a Lithuanian flag on it.

Must have had a hoop like the sleeve of an overcoat:mad:

Duffryman

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Women are strange creatures though.

They complain if you leave to toilet seat up and complain when you leave it down and piss all over it.

Also....I've never understood why they complain to men that they don't like having to touch toilet seats to put them back down, 'because they're dirty'.

Their arses are on the seats more often than ours. It's other women they should be complaining to, about the smelly dirty arses they must have.

Dakotabigone

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Women are strange creatures though.

They complain if you leave to toilet seat up and complain when you leave it down and piss all over it.

You need to urinate sitting down if you are destroying the toilet in piss.

JohnnyFlash

Dakotabigone wrote: »

You need to urinate sitting down if you are destroying the toilet in piss.

Stupid suggestion. Refer to OldGoat’s excellent post from earlier in the thread about the complex range of factors that can influence the accuracy of a male piss. Chicks need to be more understanding of this.

The Enbalmer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Stupid suggestion. Refer to OldGoat’s excellent post from earlier in the thread about the complex range of factors that can influence the accuracy of a male piss. Chicks need to be more understanding of this.

Being 20 pints to the good and the toilet lies in a darkened space it's not always easy to piss directly into the bowl.

In my own modest abode I prefer not to use electric lighting due to the expense so I have a finely tuned ear with regard to the efficacy of the direction of the piss fall.

A direct hit into the bowl gives a satisfying splashing sound,a miss over the right side gives a tinkling sound as the stream of piss hits off the empty toilet roll bags on the floor and a piss to the left produces no sound save a dull thudding as the liquid finds its mark on the tiles.

The middle of the night is no time to be turning on lights and wiping up pools of urine so I generally pay lip service to cleaning the mess up within a day or two.

Brendan Bendar

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Being 20 pints to the good and the toilet lies in a darkened space it's not always easy to piss directly into the bowl.

In my own modest abode I prefer not to use electric lighting due to the expense so I have a finely tuned ear with regard to the efficacy of the direction of the piss fall.

A direct hit into the bowl gives a satisfying splashing sound,a miss over the right side gives a tinkling sound as the stream of piss hits off the empty toilet roll bags on the floor and a piss to the left produces no sound save a dull thudding as the liquid finds its mark on the tiles.

The middle of the night is no time to be turning on lights and wiping up pools of urine so I generally pay lip service to cleaning the mess up within a day or two.

Could I suggest that a piss to left might drench a stack of ‘Spangle Mags ‘and perhaps a scattering of the Debenhams Lingerie Catalogues.

The Enbalmer

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

The Enbalmer wrote: »

Being 20 pints to the good and the toilet lies in a darkened space it's not always easy to piss directly into the bowl.

In my own modest abode I prefer not to use electric lighting due to the expense so I have a finely tuned ear with regard to the efficacy of the direction of the piss fall.

A direct hit into the bowl gives a satisfying splashing sound,a miss over the right side gives a tinkling sound as the stream of piss hits off the empty toilet roll bags on the floor and a piss to the left produces no sound save a dull thudding as the liquid finds its mark on the tiles.

The middle of the night is no time to be turning on lights and wiping up pools of urine so I generally pay lip service to cleaning the mess up within a day or two.

Could I suggest that a piss to left might drench a stack of ‘Spangle Mags ‘and perhaps a scattering of the Debenhams Lingerie Catalogues.

No Sir you may not.

I sold my bongo mags to a stout galwegian as soon as the internet was invented.

The welly-wearing degenerate heard there was some printed fapping matter for the taking and paid me a good price for several hundred copies of "Bounce", "Razzle" and "Amateur Photographer".

Waddled off down the road on conclusion of the deal,farting uncontrollably with excitement.
Reckon he'd had a feed of pints too..there was an ironed-in piss stain across the front of his breeks,if memory serves.

JohnnyFlash

When the internet is brought down in an act of warfare then the man with 15 boxes of ‘gentleman’s art pamphlets’ in the attic will be King.