Only child daughter (13), puberty, friends struggling - Dad here

Makesmetick

We have a beautiful daughter age 13 in March and is an only child. She is not a happy child and is fairly moodly - from first thing in the morning to night time. SHe can have a sense of fun and mimickery- but it is more rare now. She got a good school report and has no learning difficulties.

She has struggled with friends since we remember in national school and now its the same in senior school. All sleepovers or playdates are initiated by me and or her Mum. A new girlfriend in Senior mixed school (M/F) has pulled away to another girl - and much tears at home since. If I was to describe it - she monitors herself, acceptance is proving hard.

We have discussed puberty openly with her - books and chats with her Mum mostly, but on Sunday she got quite adamant about what began as a conversation about what she thinks in fair and unfair treatment of boys Vs girls and then became an ("I hate my body"," dont talk about the "S"word, "P" word" - "I wish I was 10 again". She pulled her dressing gown over her head and put her hand in the air to stop us talking about the "whole subject" and shut her eyes. She does not like the girls talking about bras and feminine care and leaves the lockerroom and says she does not feel comfortable. She does not have male friends either in the class; my wife keeps an eye on her phone.
SHe is very pretty and people remark on this to us and to her and she is not that interested in fashion or makeup. She would not go to a teen disco that some in her class were going to.Saying it is all about kissing. At the Gaeltacht last year she was "harassed" for not kissing a boy and name called from" frigid" to "lesbian"..she did kiss a lad at the very end...but it was to stop the goading she says. The teacher said she was good in class then but was a bit immature. She looks much older for her age.

She is struggling and in pain/anxiety. My wife has talked about puberty with her; they are close but I am not sure if there is a bond that can help here. I am the doer, have loads of chats and laughs, but understand there are Mother Daughter bonds at play here that I must support and I do.

We dont know what to do - counselling ? is this early stage same sex attraction; she has lost her sense of humour and we are trying to arrange holidays with friends this summer so she can be with other only children like her whom we are friends with.

We tried to have other children - miscarriages.She means the world to us - I think it is more than hormonal moodiness

crustybla

Aww the poor pet. She could feel she doesn't fit in because she's just not into what the others are into. As for her being immature, maybe in some ways but maybe she's more mature than her peers in others? Kids are in such a hurry to grow up at that age. They can't wait to plaster on the make up and get the phones out and hang with the boys.

I'm saying this because my daughter is the same, as in no interest in boys or make up, she's happy to do her own thing and won't be told otherwise.
She has strops too, like they all have and shuts us down when we try to speak to her about things sometimes. 'You don't understand' and 'You're not listening to what I'm saying' are said at least once a day.

Thankfully, so far, she's a happy child though. She was never a follower and doesn't care what other kids say. She's 'behind' by the standards of her peers, ie. no make up, boys, has a phone she never even looks at (all of these things, by the way, I see as her being more mature), but in other ways she can be very mature.

Your little girl might be feeling confused as to how she should be dealing with feeling left out, feeling down in herself and losing self confidence. The other girls are moving in a different direction. Let them. She'll come into her own, though she has to go through it.
Does she have any hobbies? Sports?

My gal only has a few friends and they're all hanging with the boys and doing the make up thing. I worry about it more than she does, she says she doesn't need many friends and she likes her own company. It's lovely she feels confident that way but I'd rather she mixed more.

Does she like to do little coffees/lunches out with you or mam? Is she inclined to talk then? I'd definitely focus on her confidence. Once she works on that the rest will follow.

It's such a tricky age isn't it? It's very hard on them, especially with social media now.

Sorry for the long post, best of luck, she's very luck to have you.

pmrc

My dd 14 has no interest in boys, make-up, disco etc.
This year for the first time in a long time she has 2 or 3 like minded friends. They go out for coffee, cake or burgers. She goes to all girls school. Also moody occasionally, regularly told " no offfence mum but you know nothing " or are wrong etc.
Likes graphic novels , art and quite happy to spend hours sketching.
Likes her own company and needs to pushed /encourage to meet friends outside school.
However she mostly happy and to use her own words "true to myself"