I want to die

dragona

Thank you all for your loving words. I'm walking around feeling dead inside. Haven't slept yet, just the thought that I have to carry on with my life, without Judy, it's agonising.

I can't comfort anyone else, I just want her back. I'm at peace with my decisions, and at no point was she in any pain, and that's just what she deserved, to go peacefully, unaware of anything. So I'm glad for that.

I don't want to get into my bed tonight without her snuggled by my side. I honestly truly don't know what my life will be without her, my friend, my love.

Thank you all for your understanding x

The Bishop Basher

Very sorry for you.

Judy was beautiful.

We had to put our 2 down side by side last summer so I feel your pain.

They leave a massive hole.

Mind yourself.

devlinio

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how this feels. You gave her a wonderful life, she will always be thankful for that.

Take care of yourself as best you can.

acequion

dragona, as in all grieving you mustn't think of the big vista of your life ahead, just one day at a time. Only focus on that for now and allow yourself to completely wallow in this overwhelming grief. It will pass,I promise you that. Our bodies actually reach a point where they don't want to grieve anymore and where they are ready to come back into the light. You will reach that point too.

Don't get back into your bed, sleep in a different one for a while. Whatever helps you in any small way, do it.

Above all mind yourself and be good to yourself. You've been absolutely brilliant and you deserve to focus on yourself now.

Rubberchikken

oh dragona
im so very sorry. rest peacefully Judy.

Shadow1983

I'm so sorry for your loss Dragona, my heart goes out to you. X

Gael23

No words anyone can say are going to make it easier at this moment. The next few days wont seem real, more like your on autopilot. The knowing its near is worse in a way as someone said. We had 3 days of that and it was horrendous, that last day is one I wont forget in a hurry.

In the coming days/weeks the pain you feel today will ease and the happier memories of a lifetime spent together. I got Andy for my 9th Birthday and he died the week before I graduated from University, there is a hell of a lot more good than bad in those years.

Perhaps most importantly, you will soon take comfort knowing that she's no longer suffering. We went through a long slow deterioration with him but with the help of our vet we kept his quality of life reasonably good until a few days before. That made losing him easier. You done everything right Dragona, that helpless feeling when theres nothing in your power available to make your pet better hurts more than anything

Rmgblue

I can’t even read this without breaking my own heart. I really hope you are ok OP. Judy has the kindest eyes and knows how much you loved her x

acequion

When I go to the gym they often have the top 40 on MTV and there is this video which breaks my heart. You guys might know it as it's a song. It's about this little girl who gets a puppy. And she just adores him and as they grow up together girl and dog have this wonderful bond. But he gets sick and has to be put to sleep and that part is just so very,very sad. I think its narrated from the perspective of memory as its a mother remembering her beloved dog as her daughter gets a little puppy for her birthday. Its heartwarming but heartbreaking and when it plays right in front of me as I'm belting the treadmill I have to avert my eyes because it makes me cry and I nearly lose my balance and fall off [lol]. So am not certain of the story but it's something like that. The loss of a beloved pet is incredibly heartbreaking.

dragona,I hope you're sleeping now as you must be exhausted you poor thing. Sending you hugs and thinking of your darling Judy who will always be in your heart.xx

Segotias

I've been there more times than I care to remember. I've no doubt she knew how much you loved her.

This always makes me feel better..that we will see them again on the Rainbow Bridge

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

dragona

Thank you thank you thank you truly from the bottom of my heart for your sympathy and understanding it means so much when people I actually know have no idea of the anguish I am suffering.

Every minute since Judy left me has been too painful to put into words, and I know you all understand. I am so grateful for you all, knowing I have kind hearts as friends, who know how it feels.

I am trying I really am.

I Actually wish you were my real friends, so I could hug and thank you xxxxx

acequion

Thinking of you dragona. Thinking of darling Judy up in pet heaven. And hope you're coping ok. You will get through this, I promise.xx

dragona

I want her back. I'm actually dying. I know she's gone. I know it.

She didn't have one bad day, not one bad minute. I know I helped her, I know she knows I love her, but I'm destroyed with pain. This is like living a nightmare.

I'm so worried about Reuben, he is actually depressed, and has been for a week. Can't cope.

Sorry about that

She was a beautiful dog Dragona, and so loved. I am sorry for your loss, what a tough time for you.

RederthanRed

Dunno what to say really. Life is cruel. I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't understand why people mistreat animals but I understand fully why people fall in love with their dogs.
Sorry for the pain you must be feeling right now
Take care x

Noodles81

Hi Dragona, how are you today? I hope you are being kind to yourself. Judy wouldn't want you to be unhappy. Remember all the time you had, how lucky you were to find that and be thankful, which I know you are...I hope you know what I mean. Try and don't go to any dark places, she wouldn't want that. Life is full of openings and closings. It's what makes life beautiful, yet bittersweet.

And you've wee Reuben. You can celebrate Judy's life together. Have you got a pick of him for us?

kylith

You poor thing. Just remember that what you are feeling is totally normal. Grieve as much as you need to, but remember the good times, and remember that while she was with you she knew nothing but love and care. You gave her the best life that you could, and she loved you.

acequion

Noodles is right Dragona. Judy wouldn't want you to suffer like this.

And yep me too I'd love to see a pic of Reuben.:) Who will be fine, don't be fretting about him as dogs,like children,are very resilient. As are you.x

dragona

I am feeling totally lost today, just don't know what to do with myself. I am taking comfort from the thought that at no point was she in pain, and had a wonderful two weeks, and an even more wonderful last day.

I so wish she was here in the bed with me.I would give anything.I will long for her for ever.

acequion

Awww that's cute and Reuben is a gentle giant and isn't it great that you still have him and kitty too.:)

Of course you will take huge comfort that Judy had no pain and that you did everything possible for her and gave her so much love. Loads of people lose their pets,indeed their loved ones,in much worse circumstances.

But of course you must grieve and grieving takes time. Thanks for sharing that cute pic. Thinking of you.x

RederthanRed

One day at a time mate. Just make that your mantra. One day at a time.

Noodles81

Aww Reuben is a beautiful fellow too. RIP Judy.

I hope you find peace and your heart heals in time. I've no words, I guess you have to find a path through but Judy and Reuben will guide you there.

I admire you so much Dragona for what you did for Judy and the kind, thoughtful and loving person you obviously are.

Best wishes, Noodles.

kathleen37

What a beautiful girl your Judy is! And Reuben is a beauty too!!

You need to be kind to yourself. Judy will always be with you. Take your beautiful pictures and put them around the house, so you can see and talk to her often.

I understand how painful it is. The pain shows how much you love her.

Reuben needs you. Remember he'll be picking up on how you are feeling, so try and remember all the lovely times, how happy Judy made you both feel.

All the very best. Judy will always be with you.

If you are feeling desperate, and need to speak to someone, please, please phone the Samaritans Ireland on Freephone: 116 123. They are fantastic people and understand how the loss of someone so close is so devastating. Please take care of yourself.

https://www.samaritans.org/your-community/samaritans-ireland-scotland-and-wales/samaritans-ireland?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI5IiN357k4AIVb5PtCh2wWgZeEAAYASAAEgIYDPD_BwE

anewme

Dragona, we are all here supporting you.

I walked my little fat sausage today - she is nearly 14 and slowing down and Ithought of you. I’m going to be gutted when the time comes and I can only hope I m as brave as you when she needs me to make that call.

https://www.allianz.ie/pet-Insurance/pet-bereavement/grievingthelossofapet.pdf

zoe 3619

I am so,so sorry for your loss.x
Sometimes you can look at a picture of a dog and their personality shows through.She looks like such a sweetheart.
Poor Reubin will be lost and picking up on your sadness.Could you haul him into bed and comfort each other?
Thinking of you.x

dragona

Thanks to all. I will be ok, just don't know what to do with myself at the moment, I'm going from room to room, trying to accept that I will never see her darling face again, or feel her little warm body next to mine.

Reuben gets lots of attention anyway, but extra cuddles of course, he sleeps in the bed with my daughter, and Judy slept with me. It's very lonely without her. We'd chat away all day.

I'm worried about when I have to go out, he's never been home alone, I used to leave the tv or radio on for them anyway, but they were always together. I suppose I'll have to go out for half an hour at a time, till he gets accustomed to being alone. Tough times.

acequion

God love you dragona,it is indeed very sad and very tough and just has to be got through. Every one of us that adores a pet has been there and will be there. I think that's why your pain strikes such a nerve with us all.

Would you consider getting a little pup as a new little friend for Reuben? I know there is no replacing your darling Judy but didn't you tell us that Judy arrived after the loss of another pet? It can help a lot and might be the company Reuben needs, enabling you to get out. Because, dragona, I think that getting out a bit might help you.

I'm more of a cat person myself, though I do love dogs and would love one but frequent travel makes it impractical. I had a little cat for 12 years who I brought home from abroad [put her through quarantine, the lot]. After many wonderful years here in Ireland she suffered a stroke as a result of an anesthetic for something very minor and died in my bed in my arms one winter morning. It was heartbreaking as we had such a bond and I didn't /couldn't get another cat until 12 years later. But 7 years on I'm just as besotted with this little one But I think two pets is always better than one,so maybe something to think about!

Mind yourself, we're all here for you.X

dragona

Ah I had Judy already when Vito died, she was just a pup, 8 months. She helped me tremendously, but had I not already had her I wouldn't have considered another dog. Reuben came along later.

Me and Reuben are going to have to struggle through this together. Everyone is devastated and I can help no one. Another dog is not the answer for me, I actually think I have no love left to give again.

beveragelady

Different things work for different people and you have to do what suits you. If you love dogs don't rule out the possibility of having another dog in the future. When my poor old boy died last year I struggled in to work with a broken heart, refusing to talk to people and focussing all the time on just not crying. I got home in the evenings to meet my girl at the door wagging her tail and looking around to see if I had brought him home with me. It took me a few days to realise that I needed to get another dog. There were three very solid reasons behind my decision.
1. I was in a position to give a very good home to a dog that needed a home and I almost felt I had an obligation to do that.
2. My girl, for all her oddness and grumpiness, needed a friend.
3. I love having dogs around me. They make me happy and I'm allowed to be happy.

I'm sure some people thought that I got a new dog with indecent haste considering the fuss I made about him, but people who know me well know that's not the case. I saw her picture on the ISPCA website and read her bio and I knew my old boy wouldn't mind if I tried to help her. He thought I was the best thing ever, he had absolute faith in me, the least I could do was to at least attempt to be the almighty benevolent being he had believed I was.

The new dog was a happy addition to a sad house when she arrived. I fostered her at first but it turns out I don't have the knack of fostering so I adopted her. I hope she's as pleased with the way things turned out as I am.

acequion

dragona wrote: »

I actually think I have no love left to give again.

Ohmigod dragona but you SO do! The length of this thread is sheer testament to your capacity to love and I think everyone is in awe at the selfless love you have for Judy. So I really don't think that huge capacity to love died with her. She wouldn't want that anyway.

But you must do whatever is right for you, grieve at your own pace,no pressure to do anything and the most important thing is to mind yourself.x

Irish Stones

I'm heartbroken for your loss, I know how painful it is, it's beyond imagination.
Judy would never like to see you sad, she had wonderful and joyful moments with you, and this is what she wants you to remember and celebrate.
Take care of yourself, you have other souls to look after, don't close them out.

dragona

I am struggling trying not to cry in tesco, bursting into tears at all times throughout the day. It's been a week. Cannot belive she's died. Don't want to accept it. But it's true.

The cat was on my bed this morning, and I woke up. I felt the weight of her against my leg, and thought for a split second maybe, then I realised it was Golda.

I still feel numb.

Reuben seems to be fine, he's eating and behaving as normal so I'm thankful for that. But every day without her is torture.

Rubberchikken

dont rush into any decision about another dog. if you do, in time, then good. bit for the moment remembering Judy and looking after your other little pets is all thats matters imo.

you will always miss her. that's perfectly natural.
take care

acequion

Maybe the little cat was trying to comfort you? Animals have an uncanny knack of sensing our feelings.

But I know that horrible feeling of waking and for a split second thinking all is as before and then you realise. Horrible.

Wanting to burst into tears at any moment is very natural. Do mind yourself dragona.xx

dragona

I can't thank you all enough, just being able to put feelings into words helps tremendously, I am very close to ending a 44 year friendship, simply because she has not cared enough about me to give me any comfort, or even contact me. That is another story.

I was out and about today, and saw people with their dogs, and had this terrible pang of jealousy, but glad they still have their companions.

I'm really really struggling to get through each day, cannot believe that I've managed to live a week without her. I long to smell her scent again and to have her near. I know that longing will never go. But I'm glad that she never had a day of pain, and that she was happy till the end.

I'm at peace with myself that I made all the right decisions for her, and that I was with her and loving her till her last breath. Its agony every day, but I'll take it rather than have let her have a minute of pain.

Though I'm tormenting myself thinking that maybe one more day, in my heart of hearts I know that it was her time.

Thank you all for being so understanding, and your loving words have been of comfort to me. To the well meaning people suggesting another dog, no, not ever, ever again. I truly cannot ever love again, and any dog would deserve all of my love, and I don't have any left, so no

I suppose I just have to carry on. Xxx

florawest

I have just read this thread and am sitting here wiping the tears away, our pets are our family, our girl is almost 12 a labrador, we had her at the vet over 2 weeks ago a suspected tumour, the vet did bloods and xray and said that we might have to make a rapid decision while she was sedated but luckily (for now), Paris has heart problem, on heart tablets but my youngest son came home from school sick and bad headache the day Paris was at the vet and it was worry about Paris that made him sick.

So I fully understand (past pets) and just wanted to say that your dogs hit the jackpot when they came to live with ye.

Try and think of all the funny times ye had and let the tears out and talk about your loss and sadness.
About to go to bed now, going giving Paris another hug.

There are lots off animals out there that need good (great) homes and deserve the chance of happiness, so anyone reading this, think of the animal shelters first when choosing a pet.

Maybe your friend doesn't know what to say and is afraid of upsetting you further.

acequion

dear dragona,your pain is so palpable and your posts often bring me to tears. But that's ok.:)

I wonder do we love our pets too much? Do we depend on them too much? Is it because they're constantly with us? Do they sometimes fill a void? Like you adored Judy, I just adore my little cat. She's always with me and though I've a busy job and travel a fair bit [not work related] I'm very much a home bird at heart, love my house and garden and my little cat is always with me at home. She follows me everywhere,watches TV with me, sleeps with me, loves our games in the garden in good weather and even loves us to go for a little walk up the road. I'll just die when her time comes,but hopefully not for a long time yet,she's 7. But the longer we have them the more we love them and the harder the loss. But then love makes us vulnerable. And it's also what makes us human and makes us loving,caring people.

Someone posted here a few weeks back devastated over the death of their little cat in an accident. A few posters suggested therapy. Dragona, I hope you don't find the suggestion patronising but I actually think it might help you. Also with the friend issue. So maybe think about it. Personally, I've never hesitated to get counselling during traumatic times in my life. Thankfully there haven't been many but the counselling did help enormously.

Thinking of you. This too shall pass, as the saying goes. Your pain is so raw right now but it will ease.xx

dragona

I did depend on Judy for my happiness. My mistake I suppose She made me happy, I made sure I made her happy! Love love love love love. I just adored her, and I know she loved me, I know it. I can't put into words the depth of my love for her. And I know my life won't be the same without her. But I am able to see that I have to carry on regardless, even though at the moment, I don't want to.

My life is empty without her. Empty. We were together all day, all night, we chatted away together, she comforted me when I needed her, she was always loving me. Always by my side.

She was my company, my confidante,my love. I wake in the night missing her, I miss her so desperately. She slept with me,her head on the pillow next to me, I could feel her breath on me as I fell asleep. Sometimes she would tuck herself behind my knees, and snufffle on me. I'm distraught, as you all know, and I am not sure I will ever recover, but I have to carry on, and I will,just not the same as before.

I know life has to continue, but my heart is shredded. It is an actual, physical pain. I know you understand, and thank you xx

acequion

An absolutely gorgeous pic., thanks for sharing.Try to remember all the happy times dragona.xx

Irish Stones

dragona wrote: »

I'm distraught, as you all know, and I am not sure I will ever recover, but I have to carry on, and I will,just not the same as before.

I know life has to continue, but my heart is shredded. It is an actual, physical pain. I know you understand, and thank you xx

I feel exactly the same, and I've been feeling like this for the past 2 years. My cat died March 2017, then my other cat died August 2018.
I hadn't recovered yet from the first death, then the second death occured, and I'm still in a deep state of sadness, I'm living in a black tunnel.
They had changed my life, it hadn't been the same since I had them, and it won't be the same without them.


I had days when I wanted to be in a different part of the world just because too many details around me would make me remember them.
It's painful, I know.

Gael23

It does get easier eventually. I can’t explain how or why but I guess some level of acceptance grows in you. That said, certain things still set me off 4 years later, things like walking into a supermarket only to be greeted by a rack of his favourite treats.
You will always miss her and she will always have a place in your heart which is perfectly fine.

acequion

Irish Stones wrote: »

I feel exactly the same, and I've been feeling like this for the past 2 years. My cat died March 2017, then my other cat died August 2018.
I hadn't recovered yet from the first death, then the second death occured, and I'm still in a deep state of sadness, I'm living in a black tunnel.
They had changed my life, it hadn't been the same since I had them, and it won't be the same without them.


I had days when I wanted to be in a different part of the world just because too many details around me would make me remember them.
It's painful, I know.

Am sorry to hear about the loss of your babies,Irish Stones. Two in one year is very tough. Have you got any new pets since?

Irish Stones

acequion wrote: »

Am sorry to hear about the loss of your babies,Irish Stones. Two in one year is very tough. Have you got any new pets since?

Hi acequion, thanks for your kind words of support and understanding!
Both my cats were 17 yo when they died, so someone could say that, after all, they had a long life.

No, I haven't had any other cat, I fostered, though, three or four cats since the death of my last cat in August 2018.


Well, apart from those, I found a sick and old cat on a non-urban road a month ago, she was sitting in the middle of the rush hour traffic, and after the vet visits and tests, I took her home.

This wasn't another foster cat for us, this was our new cat. We knew, since from the beginning though, that the poor soul would have lived only a few weeks, the vet had been clear on this. But we wanted to give her the best days we could... We loved her immensely, and she returned our love.
Unfortunately "a few weeks" were actually "a few days", and she left me after 9 days only.


Sometimes I think I miss a cat in my house and I would like to have one again, but if I seek deep down inside me, I see that all I would like is to have my old cats back, not another cat.
I think it is still too early, I need to elaborate my grief.


Again, thanks for your words, acequion, I really appreciated them.


@dragona, sorry for hijacking your thread!

acequion

@Irish Stones, what a lovely thing you did taking in the little old kitty and easing her last days. I was very touched to read that. Very.

@dragona, I too apologise for taking your thread a bit off topic but it's still on the subject of losing a beloved pet so I really hope you don't mind, in fact,hope it might even help.

On the subject of getting new pets and I fully respect that you guys don't want to go down this road, I think that just like romance where we can have more than one great love in our lives, with a few flings along the way,it's the same for our pet relationships. Having had numerous kitties throughout my life, there have been two BIG loves. And as often happens with great loves both came into my life unexpectedly. The first while I was living in France many years ago and as I already said, brought her back to Ireland with me. I never thought I could love a little pet as much again, but 12 years after the first kitty's death this latest little one came into my life.

Some people need years before they can even think of another pet, some never want one again and some can get another quite quickly. I guess we're all different. Two of my neighbours had to have their little darlings put to sleep last year, both were utterly heartbroken, but both by xmas had gone to pet shelters and adopted new ones.

Anyway, thinking of you dear dragona and hope you're looking after yourself. Don't hesitate to pamper yourself with anything that helps or comforts, even in a tiny way. Your darling Judy wouldn't want you to be so heartbroken.xx

dragona

@acequion thank you for your kind words.

To tell the truth i I'm really really struggling with every day. I miss the scent of her, her warm little body pressed up against mine. Seeing her everywhere. Her beautiful face looking up at me.

I keep crying at random times throughout the day, just as I sit down to eat, or waiting for the kettle to boil, and at night when I get into bed alone and she's not with me, the tears flow. I think I'm starting to get on people's nerves.

I'm heartbroken in the true sense. I have a pain in my chest. But I tell myself that I helped her go pain free, and that she did not know a day of pain, and I'll take the hurt.That does give me a little comfort.

It's the least I could have done to repay the years of love and companionship she gave me, asking for nothing in return.

I'll miss her for ever and a day. She was my love, my treasure, my friend. My darling Judy.

acequion

dragona wrote: »

I think I'm starting to get on people's nerves.

I wouldn't worry too much about that. You're entitled to your grief and grieve you must. Some day the pain will ease, I promise.xx

Graces7

i was too raw to answer this OP as I lost my dog and one of my cats the same weekend last November. Stilll not faced the loss fully and still avoiding walking in the dog's favoruite places

But I am by nature very .... practical. I have been taking rescues in for decades and the way has been to fill the house. On the advice of family as i was stunned, i took in 3 very needy young cats, street rescues needing a home. drove all the way from west Mayo after crossing from the island to furthest sligo...

It was THEIR need that motivated me. i had room, so..

It was not "replacing" my lost ones. These are their own selves, deserving of and needing a safe and loving place. It has not healed the loss; it has created a new
dimension. my loss is still there and raw. simmering away in memories,but these sweet cats elicit my love and my laughter in a different way than my lost ones did and do.

dragona

I am so sorry, and I know how it feels. Just two weeks and a bit, and I am really struggling with every day.

I know I will get a call soon to pick up her ashes, and I just can't believe that is all I'll have left. I know it's just her shell, and the essence of her will always be with me.

I just cannot stop crying.It hits me when I go to bed, she is not there.When I wake, she is not there.All day as I potter about, she is not there.When my mother died, I was able to pull myself together. But I miss Judy more.

Judy was such a huge part of my life, I feel like I've lost an arm.I miss her so acutely and desperately that I can actually feel physical pain.I am not religious in any way shape or form, and I know the Rainbow Bridge stuff brings comfort to people, but I believe when you're gone, that's it, you're gone.And she's gone, for ever.

I think all of you who have loved and lost, and are able to love again, are incredibly wonderful people, but I know that I will never,never, ever again. My heart is shredded. I don't know if the tears will ever stop.

I would just like to say again Thank You to all who have responded to me, it really does mean a great deal. I just don't think I'll ever recover. Just have to carry on somehow.

Tony H

So sorry for your loss , the only thing I can say is that the pain WILL lessen and the memories and love will get stronger
I lost my Joey over a year and a half ago and even though I get sad sometimes and shed some tears , the happy memories are there stronger than ever ,
We did get another puppy after about six months and his madness keeps us going (another Retriever) , he will never replace Joey whose love of life and going for walks and spins in HIS car was incredible to see ,
Time is a great healer and love of a pet remains in your heart forever

GoneHome

So very sorry for your loss, we lost our cat (Jackie - male) four years ago this month, we were devastated (he was knocked down by a car on our rural road which barely has any traffic and he was always indoors so it came as an awful shock), we buried him in a corner of the garden (put a tin of his favourite food in the box with him and planted a lovely tree on his grave a few weeks later), I'm getting emotional now even typing this again. Anyway, for two years despite many offers of cats and kittens we just couldn't face having another cat, such was our devastation at the loss of Jackie, then two years ago we came across this little kitten on the road, lost and forlone, barley four weeks old, her mother (a feral cat) having been killed by a fox out in the field near our house as we discovered later, we couldn't but take her in, brought her to the vet and syringed feed for for the next few weeks as she was so young, she's two years old next month and our little sweetheart, we'll never forget Jackie but little Dottie has us wrapped around her little paw.