How to leave my husband?

LegacyUser

I would like to leave my husband. I have two children 13 and 12. My mother left my father when I was 13 for the same reasons. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. My mom lost her children in court(long story). We were reared by my dad who gave us 3 meals a day but that was it. The kids did the rest. The house was run down and a mess, all the time.

Why I haven’t moved out from my husband is because I don’t know how to. Growing up in the environment I just described and finding myself repeating history has left me with chronic low self esteem and low energy. I am 45, I have a job that pays 25000 per annum. This job is important because it allows me to be at home with my children during the holidays.

How do you start again at 45 on a low income, stay sane and not hurt your children?
Where would I go. I would need an apartment on my own to accommodate the children. Is there any solutions to this?
I do have a diploma in computer science from 2004 and I have a level six in counseling and psychology from 2018.
Should I try find a better job, though I won’t be able to stay home with children during holidays and be home at the same time as them from school, but possibility of better wages.
I would appreciate any advice. Thank you.

Jb1989

Dreamofabetterlife wrote: »

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Only info I have at min, is think about costs, your lower wage may be far more useful with such holidays, than a better wage and extra payment and headaches needed for babysitting during day.

Depending what area you live then 25000 should be more than adequate for rent, after food etc

Best of luck x

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply. I live in Dublin. Lowest rent I can find is €1,400 per month. Would leave me with €170 per week for food and bills.

Thoughts of leaving really scares me. But I can’t stay.

donotvalidate

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Once you get your social welfare sorted you will manage fine. I'm in the same boat but just one child and I manage quite well. Can you stay with someone until you can get accommodation sorted? Once you have somewhere to live and your social comes through I guarantee it will all fall into place for you. I know it's daunting but this time next year you and your kids will be glad you made the change. All the best OP. I hope it all works out for you

Teyla Emmagan

I don't think you should worry about the job for now. You have more to be thinking about and the priority is a safe environment for your children and a present parent. Being able to take summers off to be with them is priceless. If you do leave your husband then your kids need as much stability and routine as possible, not you coping with a new job and struggling to find minders.

If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship then there are resources to help you. There are refuges that can take you and your kids if you have nowhere else to go. Reach out and start planning. Call social welfare.Look after your own mental health too, you sound very down. Focus on breaking the cycle for the future, not on the mistakes you have made in the past.

manonboard

Do you qualify for hap op?

I think it's below 35k.

Also with ur degree n stay at home stuff. Could you do evening counselling in ur home to earn some extra and also help you gain more financial/psychlogical independence?

I am very sorry for your difficulties op. I am glad you are learning about them and looking for ways to stop the pattern.

ncmc

A lot of people need childminding just for school holidays OP, so it could be an option to mind a child or two in the summer holidays to supplement your income.

What about your husband? Surely he would be paying maintenance and why should you be the one to leave the house when you are going to have the children with you? You need to get legal advice ASAP and get on to social welfare too. I would be very surprised if you weren’t entitled to some assistance based on your income and circumstances.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the great suggestions. I didn’t think I would be entitled to assistance as I was working, this is something I will have to look into. The housing crisis and rent hikes, is also making me feel like there is nowhere to go, that I am lucky to have a roof over my head.

The children are not in danger in this relationship, just my mental health. Everything happens when nobody is looking or listening. Sometimes I feel like there is no way out. Hence the reason I posted. I am planning my escape, but with as little casualties as possible and I need to be sure of a plan, I don’t want to loose my children.

Someone suggested he should leave, but he won’t and he will fight for the children, but they will want to live with me, because I am the primary carer, I was a stay at home mom for 10 years. Maintenance would be down the line, I just need to know how to make the break initially, gather myself and then go to court for maintenance.

ChrissieH

Hey OP,

If the initial steps are what's bothering you, then maybe sit tight for a week or so while you gather some information about supports close to where you life; whether that's seeking advice from a Citizens Advice Bureau or a refuge or social welfare, and then maybe look up low-cost counselling in your area too, to help build up your confidence. I know you have a qualification in it yourself, but that doesn't mean that you don't need the benefits of attending counselling yourself.

This is probably not something that can be sorted very quickly so my advice would be to try and improve your current situation by alleviating your concerns about the future, that should help to make things clearer and stronger in your mind, thereby making it more of an achievable vision for you.
It's totally understandable that everything feels so overwhelming now, that's why I think it would be best to work on breaking things down a bit into more achievable steps - so step 1 is to Google all the relevant support systems in your area and step 2 is to go research the low-cost counselling, step 3 is to make appointments to attend whatever services you find.. you can do it if you can break it down into manageable chunks.