What is wrong with me?

Daisy78

quiet advice wrote: »

Hi OP I read first few posts so not them all so forgive me if I overlooked something.

You come across very well & likeable. I'd advise not getting involved in FWB arrangements when it's not what your after. And I know this sounds Wrong & is wrong but have you thought about investing more time in your physical attractiveness to men (make over type thing). Men want lust (saying this being a man) & no matter how sound, interesting& fun they find a woman when dating the obviously want to be physically attracted to them. They want to want to get to it.

Just an idea from a random internet point of view but there you are. Unpopular I'm sure it is on threads like this. But just an idea. And for what it's worth I've seen both women & men do this with results in dating/love life.

When you say invest though what do you mean? Yes you can lose weight and aim to become more physically fit but beyond that there is not a huge amount you can do to change what you have without resorting to plastic surgery. And I really don't think the poster should be considering that. And at the end of the day different men have different tastes, not everyone is looking for the same version of beauty, thankfully. Perhaps it might be worth her considering adding a little bit more feminity to her clothing choice, maybe (and only if she is comfortable with the idea) experiment a bit more with makeup. But apart from that, there is little she can (or should) do as regards any drastic changes.

aloneforever99

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted on this thread.

It has really been helpful for me.

Lots of good advice.

Sorry I don’t know how to quote multiple people but in reply to some of what was said:

- I think the point about physical attractiveness is actually very fair and honest from the guy who posted it. I am not massively overweight but I also definitely could stand to lost a few pounds. I’m going to start swimming again to try and achieve this, which gives me another hobby to pursue too. I know I shouldn’t have to lose weight to meet a man, but when I look in the mirror I don’t like my body and I often think “Well if I don’t like it, why should I expect a fella to?”

- As regards politics/ activism – there were some very good points made there. Ultimately I don’t think I could have a relationship with someone who is apathetic about current affairs because it is a big interest for me, but I’m going to make an effort to make sure it doesn’t dominate first dates either.

- I’m off the apps for the minute. Problem is, I can’t remember how people met before apps? Going to make an effort to look at men who are “not my type” as well.

- To the poster who asked about my Dad, I have a very difficult relationship with mine and I do think this plays into it a lot. I’m actually very aware of it, but the awareness alone hasn’t prompted a change.

- As regards the FWB thing, I know everyone who is telling me not to get involved in those situations is right. It’s just hard for a few reasons – as women go, I think I have quite a high sex drive, and I basically wouldn’t have had sex in the last decade if I never did this. I also greatly miss the less sexual aspects – kissing, cuddles, falling asleep with someone next to you… and I find it hard to turn down the opportunity for those things even when I’m ultimately not having all my needs fulfilled by them. It’s a case of learning to play the long game, I think.

I’m really glad I posted here, and any other advice is still welcome. I feel a lot better now than I did when I first posted. You guys are nice. Who knew the internet isn’t always a terrible place?

SozBbz

Hi OP,

Just to through in my 2 cents, as you're already gotten some good advice. Your post spoke to me a bit

I met my current partner after a prolonged period of singledom, (5/6 years which included a few short term relationships which in hindsight I could see from a mile off weren't right). I think this long period of being single effected (or I allowed it to effect) my self confidence and I found myself making silly decisions and putting up with things that were no good for me.

Before I met my partner, I'd just stopped seeing another guy I'd met online and had been seeing for 8/9 months although it had never been smooth sailing. I'd tried to finish it with him on 2 or 3 occasions but he'd always asked/pleased with me to reconsider, and then he ultimately finished it with me and I found myself really hurt.

While it really smarted at first, I had to accept that I'd allowed myself to become attached to someone who was totally unsuitable. This was coming from the place you described, not wanting to be single. I was basically trying to make it work with someone with whom I was totally incompatable, just because I wanted to be with someone. He had characteristics I liked (intelligent, family oritentated etc, a gentleman) but fundamentally we were poles apart. He didn't get my humour, he was much more religious that I am, he was a bit pious frankly. I wasn't even really physically attracted to him, but I had talked myself into it. While I was compromising on all of the above, I thought "at least he wants to be with me, at least I have someone". This is a horrible admission about myself, but I actually thought he was doing well to have me, so once I was lowering my standards, that at least I'd be able to have someone. Yeah, he was a bit boring but at least he wasnt a lad about town, unwilling to commit.

The experience of getting dumped by someone you don't even like that much taught me a very valuable life lesson. It was an extremely confusing and hurtful and my self confidence felt like it had been kicked in the guts. However, I realised that being single really wasn't the worst thing in the world - that the previous 8/9 months of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole were infinitely more painful and corrosive to my self worth.

Now, thankfully as much as my pride was wounded, I was able to get over this quickly enough as I knew we werent right for each other. I resolved to never make the same mistake again -no more settling - its unfair to everyone.

I resolved to be unashamedly myself. I stopped trying to be the "cool girl", the people pleaser. I got comfortable in asking for exactly what I wanted, and if I didnt get the answer I was looking for, then "NEXT!".

I went back on line (different site) and set up a new profile. I put up honest pictures, wrote fairly about myself and my interests, and said I was interested in relationships only - hook up artists need not apply.

I was chatting to a few men, and culled some conversations quickly as soon as I spotted any warning signs in their behaviour or I saw anything about this that didnt appeal to me personally. In short, I stopped compromising. Now this doesnt mean I was looking for solid 10 out of 10's only but I had to see something in that that I could find attractive.

I met one guy for a date and we're still together. He was fun and funny. He was intelligent and witty. He was no pushover, but also a nice person. I'm sure he's not everyones cup of tea, but he was my type.

I'm not one of these people who believes in karma or and the universe or the "one" but I do think that if you hold your head up high, believe in your own worth, and refuse to settle, that others will recognise that in you and you've a much better chance of meeting someone successfully. I found it amazing that as soon as I decided to stop trying to be what (I thought) other people wanted me to be (thinner, more agreeable, more pliable) and accepted myself as a single individual who was good enough in her own right, that my luck changed.

Stay true to yourself OP. Make changes in your life only if they make you happy. Lose weight if it would make you happy. Try to get an idea in your head of the type of man you want and don't compromise on the core qualities you want in a partner - I firmly believe that by talking ourselves into spending time with unsuitable partners, we waste time and make ourselves miserable in the long run.

lainey_d_123

SozBbz wrote: »

Hi OP,

Just to through in my 2 cents, as you're already gotten some good advice. Your post spoke to me a bit

I met my current partner after a prolonged period of singledom, (5/6 years which included a few short term relationships which in hindsight I could see from a mile off weren't right). I think this long period of being single effected (or I allowed it to effect) my self confidence and I found myself making silly decisions and putting up with things that were no good for me.

Before I met my partner, I'd just stopped seeing another guy I'd met online and had been seeing for 8/9 months although it had never been smooth sailing. I'd tried to finish it with him on 2 or 3 occasions but he'd always asked/pleased with me to reconsider, and then he ultimately finished it with me and I found myself really hurt.

While it really smarted at first, I had to accept that I'd allowed myself to become attached to someone who was totally unsuitable. This was coming from the place you described, not wanting to be single. I was basically trying to make it work with someone with whom I was totally incompatable, just because I wanted to be with someone. He had characteristics I liked (intelligent, family oritentated etc, a gentleman) but fundamentally we were poles apart. He didn't get my humour, he was much more religious that I am, he was a bit pious frankly. I wasn't even really physically attracted to him, but I had talked myself into it. While I was compromising on all of the above, I thought "at least he wants to be with me, at least I have someone". This is a horrible admission about myself, but I actually thought he was doing well to have me, so once I was lowering my standards, that at least I'd be able to have someone. Yeah, he was a bit boring but at least he wasnt a lad about town, unwilling to commit.

The experience of getting dumped by someone you don't even like that much taught me a very valuable life lesson. It was an extremely confusing and hurtful and my self confidence felt like it had been kicked in the guts. However, I realised that being single really wasn't the worst thing in the world - that the previous 8/9 months of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole were infinitely more painful and corrosive to my self worth.

Now, thankfully as much as my pride was wounded, I was able to get over this quickly enough as I knew we werent right for each other. I resolved to never make the same mistake again -no more settling - its unfair to everyone.

I resolved to be unashamedly myself. I stopped trying to be the "cool girl", the people pleaser. I got comfortable in asking for exactly what I wanted, and if I didnt get the answer I was looking for, then "NEXT!".

I went back on line (different site) and set up a new profile. I put up honest pictures, wrote fairly about myself and my interests, and said I was interested in relationships only - hook up artists need not apply.

I was chatting to a few men, and culled some conversations quickly as soon as I spotted any warning signs in their behaviour or I saw anything about this that didnt appeal to me personally. In short, I stopped compromising. Now this doesnt mean I was looking for solid 10 out of 10's only but I had to see something in that that I could find attractive.

I met one guy for a date and we're still together. He was fun and funny. He was intelligent and witty. He was no pushover, but also a nice person. I'm sure he's not everyones cup of tea, but he was my type.

I'm not one of these people who believes in karma or and the universe or the "one" but I do think that if you hold your head up high, believe in your own worth, and refuse to settle, that others will recognise that in you and you've a much better chance of meeting someone successfully. I found it amazing that as soon as I decided to stop trying to be what (I thought) other people wanted me to be (thinner, more agreeable, more pliable) and accepted myself as a single individual who was good enough in her own right, that my luck changed.

Stay true to yourself OP. Make changes in your life only if they make you happy. Lose weight if it would make you happy. Try to get an idea in your head of the type of man you want and don't compromise on the core qualities you want in a partner - I firmly believe that by talking ourselves into spending time with unsuitable partners, we waste time and make ourselves miserable in the long run.

This is absolutely true. It's just so, so easy to talk yourself into settling, and it's also easy to let others convince you that you're being picky if they see you turning down a few guys in a row. I was seeing a guy last year who on paper was great. He was available enthusiastic about seeing me, wanted the same things I did, good fun to spend time with. But as soon as I agreed to date him officially, he totally changed and it was red flag after red flag. Not respecting my boundaries, whether it was pressuring me to stay out late when I was tired and drained or insisting I could afford to do something when I told him I couldn't (he assumed I was making loads of money because I'm self employed...I wasn't).


The last straw was we were arranging a date and I told him it would have to be coffee because I was broke and struggling to find new clients, and he agreed. When I arrived, he got up and told me he'd tricked me and we were actually going to a nice restaurant for dinner. I was a bit confused and uncomfortable, as I generally like to pay my way, but we'd known each other a while at that stage and I thought it was sweet that he wanted to treat me when he knew I was struggling for money. Except....he didn't treat me. The bill came and he expected me to pay my half, after I'd very clearly told him I was struggling and could only afford a coffee that week. Only then did he seem to grasp that I wasn't talking bollix (why the hell would someone claim to be broke when they weren't??), which I found hugely disrespectful. It was one boundary violation too far. I put the money down for my half (which was my grocery money for the entire week...I went hungry that week), walked out and told him not to contact me again. He was texting me for weeks telling me to 'calm down' and that he was a misunderstanding, and it would have been easy to fall for it, but that's the thing. It wasn't 'a' misunderstanding. It was the culmination of weeks of not listening to me, not believing me and not respecting me. It was a pattern. That's who he was. And I knew that in my heart. I'm actually really proud of myself for walking away and not just putting up with it and trying to see past it.

It can get really hard sometimes, especially remembering the couple of long term relationships I had. The feeling of security, of having someone there for you all the time. But then I have to remind myself is that the reason I'm single now is because I overlooked red flags then. Instead of waiting to find someone who was right for me, I stayed with people who weren't. And I don't want to do it again.

.......

OP I just have a very small thing to say.

Dont settle for FWB if thats not what you are after - for a number of reasons.

1 - you are wasting time while in an FWB, probably hoping more will come of it, but not looking for someone proper while youre in it. It just ties you up with time wasters.
2 - its effecting your self esteem.
3 - it becomes a pattern if you keep doing it.
4 - terrible cliche - but you get what you settle for. I used to tell fellas that I thought more of myself than FWB and if they wanted to be with me they had to offer something more than just casual sex - which I could get anywhere. And guess what - the only people that that puts off are people who just want FWB - that you dont want to be with anyway!!

lainey_d_123

....... wrote: »

OP I just have a very small thing to say.

Dont settle for FWB if thats not what you are after - for a number of reasons.

1 - you are wasting time while in an FWB, probably hoping more will come of it, but not looking for someone proper while youre in it. It just ties you up with time wasters.
2 - its effecting your self esteem.
3 - it becomes a pattern if you keep doing it.
4 - terrible cliche - but you get what you settle for. I used to tell fellas that I thought more of myself than FWB and if they wanted to be with me they had to offer something more than just casual sex - which I could get anywhere. And guess what - the only people that that puts off are people who just want FWB - that you dont want to be with anyway!!

Totally true. The thing with FWBs is that you can think 'well I enjoy spending time with this person, the sex is good, so what's the harm?' The harm is that you're not spending time looking for an actual partner because the FWB is meeting all those needs....for now. Rather than get out to a meetup or a sports event or onto an app, you hang out with the FWB because you like them and it's fun but in the long run a giant waste of time.

professore

aloneforever99 wrote: »

I feel like men are more forgiving of women's personality flaws when they find her more attractive.

This guy was an asshole. You say looks aren't that important to you but I think they are. You are going after men on Bumble who have plenty of options and are using that to have plenty of casual sex.

Apps like Bumble are ALL about looks. If you find a guy attractive, how many more women on Bumble do you think do too?

Another thing is the activism, most men are not obsessed about the issues you are interested in, not that they don't care but it's just another issue to them, but some pretend to in order to get laid, as they know many women do. So any men you meet through activism is likely to be a disaster.

I'd say try to meet men in the real world.

suicide_circus

aloneforever99 wrote: »

I have quite a big personality

red flag.
what do you mean by "big"?

aloneforever99

suicide_circus wrote: »

red flag.
what do you mean by "big"?

I'm outgoing and chatty, I have strong opinions, and sometimes I can be loud without realising it, although I've gotten much better at not doing that as I've gotten older.

I have two main hobbies I've pursued over the last couple of years and one of them is stand up comedy.

dellas1979

Am single - numerous years.

Throughout my 20s, I was in one bad relationship after another.

Hadnt a clue who I was.

Over the last few years, Ive worked on myself-self-esteem, confidence, doing things for myself, gaining respect back for myself.

I've also met men who were totally unsuitable for me.

I do love being single (the amount of things I can do for myself, have experienced, I LOVE that about myself :-)

There are times when I do miss having a partner. Am building a house at the moment. And it has been a bit stressful handling everything. I feel if Id a partner "imaginary john" as I call him - that Id be less stressed. I then have to remind myself that Ill have built it, and Ill own it :-D

I was imagining the other day what it would feel like/to remember to hold someone's hand-that basic. I let myself wander off, and be ok with that, and then come back to reality an remind myself that am fine.

Reading through your posts, I can see you are clear they type of person youd like to attract. That is half the battle. The other half is loving yourself.

If the person is right for you, what a person looks like wont matter. Theyll love you regardless.

Keep your chin up, give yourself a good life, love yourself, do things that make you happy (youre a stand up comic ffs!), and when you least expect it, it will happen. That advice stands to me and anyone else out there in singledom whod like a (good) partner.

You could also practice an auld flirt, in person. A big smile and a "hows it going!?" to a fella can start conversations/a door to talk to guys.

suicide_circus

aloneforever99 wrote: »

I have two main hobbies I've pursued over the last couple of years and one of them is stand up comedy.

i'll get pilloried for this but in general men want women to laugh at their jokes, not the other way around. its a pathetic male ego thing, no doubt, but its true.

aloneforever99

suicide_circus wrote: »

i'll get pilloried for this but in general men want women to laugh at their jokes, not the other way around. its a pathetic male ego thing, no doubt, but its true.

Sadly, I think you're absolutely right.

I've actually said exactly this to my therapist. If I was a guy, I'd be a catch: Average looking maybe but with a good job, hobbies, funny, confident, outgoing, always up for a bit of banter... but unfortunately I don't think my 'good qualities' match up very well with what men look for in a partner.

It also explains why I'm easily able to maintain friendships with men, but none of them ever want to go out with me,

professore

suicide_circus wrote: »

i'll get pilloried for this but in general men want women to laugh at their jokes, not the other way around. its a pathetic male ego thing, no doubt, but its true.

I dunno, I think lots of guys like a funny woman who doesn't take herself too seriously and is good at banter. I do anyway. Banter being back and forth fun, not cutting at people passive aggressively, or giving it but not being able to take it.

Taking the piss in a fun way is great.

Give me a funny woman over a good looking one every day of the week. If we don't laugh until our sides are sore then theres no second date. Speaking theoretically now of course.

suicide_circus

aloneforever99 wrote: »

Sadly, I think you're absolutely right.

I've actually said exactly this to my therapist. If I was a guy, I'd be a catch: Average looking maybe but with a good job, hobbies, funny, confident, outgoing, always up for a bit of banter... but unfortunately I don't think my 'good qualities' match up very well with what men look for in a partner.

It also explains why I'm easily able to maintain friendships with men, but none of them ever want to go out with me,

yep i think youve got a point.
you seem to be fulfilling the "male" roles yourself and even the most woke modern metro men need to feel they can bring some kind of traditional masculinity to the table. conversely and perhaps unfortunately this also means that most men are looking for some slight glimps of traditional femininity in a woman. we didnt lick these gender stereotypes off the stones and people's real preferences are not as up to date as we think from what we see in the media.

suicide_circus

professore wrote: »

I dunno, I think lots of guys like a funny woman who doesn't take herself too seriously and is good at banter. I do anyway. Banter being back and forth fun, not cutting at people passive aggressively, or giving it but not being able to take it.

Taking the piss in a fun way is great.

Give me a funny woman over a good looking one every day of the week. If we don't laugh until our sides are sore then theres no second date. Speaking theoretically now of course.

oh im with you on that but im talking in generalities here.

the ability to make women laugh is far more important to a man's biological success than it is for a woman to make men laugh.

Idle Passerby

If we are to believe half the advice here, women should present themselves as bland personality-free gigglers at men's jokes in order to get a date. I say rubbish to that!

There's no point watering yourself down so a majority will think "meh, she's ok". You only need one guy to think your amazing. Present yourself in your best light, if something's important to you you shouldn't have to downplay it so some random insecure guy isn't intimidated by you.

Personally I think being able to stand in front of a crowd and make them laugh is a really impressive personality trait!

suicide_circus

not telling the OP to change who she is, just pointimg out some potential blockers from another point of view.

Ursus Horribilis

Without seeing how you behave, it's hard to give exact advice. The only thing I can suggest is that perhaps you are a bit too full on?

aloneforever99

suicide_circus wrote: »

most men are looking for some slight glimps of traditional femininity in a woman.

I've got big boobs and I like to wear red lipstick?

suicide_circus

aloneforever99 wrote: »

I've got big boobs and I like to wear red lipstick?

i was really referring to behaviours rather than physical stuff

aloneforever99

suicide_circus wrote: »

i was really referring to behaviours rather than physical stuff

Ah I got you, I was joking.

Honestly there's certain things I thought were good things to do that I think I really need to stop. For example, a guy took me out for dinner a while back and I insisted on paying my half even though he was happy to treat me... Maybe I should have just let him, but I didn't want to seem entitled.

Same with a different guy for a first date at the cinema. I make more money than most guys my age, and it feels ridiculous for me to expect them to pay, but maybe it's a masculinity thing and I should just let them pay if they want to??

lainey_d_123

Idle Passerby wrote: »

If we are to believe half the advice here, women should present themselves as bland personality-free gigglers at men's jokes in order to get a date. I say rubbish to that!

There's no point watering yourself down so a majority will think "meh, she's ok". You only need one guy to think your amazing. Present yourself in your best light, if something's important to you you shouldn't have to downplay it so some random insecure guy isn't intimidated by you.

Personally I think being able to stand in front of a crowd and make them laugh is a really impressive personality trait!

But she's absolutely right. A woman who does stand-up is intimidating to a huge proportion of men. I know women who do it and the harassment and abuse they get for daring to think women can be funny is insane.

A hilarious, witty woman vs a pretty woman who wears make-up and dresses up? I think the vast majority of men would go for the latter. It's what I see.

lainey_d_123

aloneforever99 wrote: »

Ah I got you, I was joking.

Honestly there's certain things I thought were good things to do that I think I really need to stop. For example, a guy took me out for dinner a while back and I insisted on paying my half even though he was happy to treat me... Maybe I should have just let him, but I didn't want to seem entitled.

Same with a different guy for a first date at the cinema. I make more money than most guys my age, and it feels ridiculous for me to expect them to pay, but maybe it's a masculinity thing and I should just let them pay if they want to??

I would absolutely feel entitled if I didn't offer to pay. I won't keep insisting, but I feel like just letting him pay and not saying anything would make me look like a princess. I don't make good money and even if I go out with someone making ten times more, I still offer to pay and they almost always accept. Is this wrong?

LegacyUser

Idle Passerby wrote: »

If we are to believe half the advice here, women should present themselves as bland personality-free gigglers at men's jokes in order to get a date. I say rubbish to that!

There's no point watering yourself down so a majority will think "meh, she's ok". You only need one guy to think your amazing. Present yourself in your best light, if something's important to you you shouldn't have to downplay it so some random insecure guy isn't intimidated by you.

Personally I think being able to stand in front of a crowd and make them laugh is a really impressive personality trait!

Pretty much this. Are you willing to compromise who you are and the things you like just to get a guy? Is that going to make you happy long term? I doubt it somehow. And let's face it, who wants to be with an insecure man who can't handle a woman who is funny and intelligent?

There's no guarantee in this life that any of us will find someone. That's why it's so important to make the best life for ourselves and be happy on our own. That way if someone comes along, one has something to bring to the relationship.

Idle Passerby

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

But she's absolutely right. A woman who does stand-up is intimidating to a huge proportion of men. I know women who do it and the harassment and abuse they get for daring to think women can be funny is insane.

A hilarious, witty woman vs a pretty woman who wears make-up and dresses up? I think the vast majority of men would go for the latter. It's what I see.

I'm not saying this isn't the case. I'm saying diluting yourself to appeal to these guys is counter productive. It's no victory to find a guy if it's at the expense of being who you really are.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Not much to add here, OP, except to say that I'm male and I'd definitely be interested in someone who was smart, funny, informed about current affairs, had varied life experience, was gainfully employed, and enjoyed physical intimacy (not just sex, but being held, sleeping together, etc). That would tick pretty much all my boxes -- and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone among the male population in saying that, either. So don't give up, because there are men out there who will most definitely be interested in you. Best of luck.

lainey_d_123

heretothere wrote: »

I'm the same age as you, it seems like a lot of my friends are in the same boat as you. I got lucky, and some of it really is down to luck, just the right place right time and being 'open' to meeting someone. I don't want to sound harsh but are you maybe coming across too strong? I've seen it happen, I know its not something you're doing on purpose.

I do think dating apps have a lot to answer for though, internet dating was just kicking off really when I meet my husband so I don't have experience of it, but I agree with others does it give people the sense that there will always be something better out there instead of really giving what they've found a go!

In saying all the above there are plenty of men in the 30 - 40 bracket looking to settle down I'm not saying rule out younger men just in general they're probably not going to be looking to settle down. You might just be going for the wrong sort of fella too, there is a lot to be said for the 'nice' guy.

Funnily enough, I've found the opposite. I find a lot of men between 26 and 29 seem to want a serious relationship. I turned one guy down when I was 31 and he was 25 thinking he was too young for me, and I regret it now. When you get a bit older, the age gap doesn't seem as big. I actually find long term single men in their late thirties the worst at being willing to commit. The guy I was seeing is now 37 and dating a 24-year-old. People like this just doesn't seem able to grow up. They're grand for going out drinking but when you're looking for the relationship to 'go somewhere', they don't want to know.

Apollocredit

<snip>

lainey_d_123

Apollocredit wrote: »

<snipped>

I never said it did. But it's poor form not to disclose to people you date that you basically don't ever want a traditional relationship. It's also a bit tragic to be dating people much younger than you and in a totally different life stage. I have very little in common with people in their early twenties - they're a different generation! I don't think getting older has to mean having a family, but yes, I do think it's a bit sad for a man of almost 40 to be chasing college students, hanging out in student bars and so on. I think it's a refusal to grow up.

Glitter

Funny and conventionally pretty are not mutually exclusive!
So I say keep up with the jokes AND the red lipstick.

The open mic stand up circuit in this country is insanely cutthroat so I would say if you're trying to meet potential partners on that scene you might be better off focussing your attention elsewhere for potential dates and keeping the stand up as a separate hobby that you do for yourself. But do keep it up!

Green&Red

OP, just a few thoughts on what you’ve put up that sprung out to me

Your family background could have a huge amount to do with how you view things, you mentioned once that you can be quiet argumentative, how does that manifest? (wrt men)

You also say you’re quite political, which is great, I am too, I think it’s importang. However majority of people are not. One thing I noticed at the referendum last year was that people on the left couldn’t believe that anyone could possibly have a different opinion and proceeded to ram their opinion down people’s throats. Even as someone who held similar views to them I found it overbearing. Could you be guilty of that? Majority of people don’t care one way or the other and some will have different views to you, are you someone who can accept that?

You described yourself as being loud with stories, I would find that a turnoff but lots don’t, as someone else said it can be about listening too

On the bumble thing, it’s not like there’s a group of lads who go on bumble and a separate group who go to pubs and another that go exercising, they’re all subsets of each other, I’m not sure what it achieves to go off it. As you said maybe temper your expectations.

Finally the FWB, there’s no real explaining it, some people you see as long term things and other you see as someone to call when you’re horny. It’s completely unfair but it’s human nature. It’s not anything you’re doing wrong IMO and it’s even less likely to be down to your looks. In blunt terms they fancy you enough to do that.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi Op, I feel like I'm in the same situation as yourself except I'm a lad. (I actually stumbled on your thread while considering starting my own)

Anyway my situation is similar, (minus the friends with benefits)

I feel like I'm a really nice guy. I always pay for drinks/food and like doing so, If I'm not interested in someone I try to be straight up in the nicest way possible. I think when i meet someone I really like i come across as too keen. I try my best to be 'a lovely lad' and i like people to think of me as 'really nice'

I'm pretty much terrible at pulling on a night out. I struggle to chat to girls and only get any success when well drunk. I wouldn't chat to many girls on a day to day basis. People would consider me as 'quiet' .

All my friends are good looking, confident, stylish, energetic guys and I feel shattered and **** after most nights out when they get all the attention and I get none. Since this has been going on practically since I started going to pubs and clubs, I just have to get on with it. It feels like a destructive circle of No Female Attention = No Confidence, No Confidence = No Female Attention.

Luckily I can rely on Tinder because and I go on plenty of dates (Maybe 5 or 6 in a year). I enjoy them all but I feel like the girls that I like, they don't want to meet up again and the girls that I don't like tend to be interested.

Every now and again (twice in the last few years and maybe 3 or 4 times since I started dating) I've met someone I really clicked with, had the same interests, found attractive and who's found me attractive.

Because this doesn't happen often, I really fall for them and I probably appear too keen and after about 3 months, they decide they don't want to meet anymore and I sink down this rabbit hole of depression for awhile.

This happened to me very recently and this time especially it was a really tough one to take. I was very invested in a girl I met and was really looking forward to taking it further and tried my hardest not to screw it up, but now I'm back to where I started and its hard to move on.. No girlfriend, no FWB, no chance of getting one any time soon, feeling unattractive, more un-confident than ever, dreading having to go back onto tinder and begin all over again.

The worst thing is I don't know what goes wrong so its very hard not to blame myself and even harder to fix.

Anyway sorry for hijacking your thread, at least you might be able to relate to my story and take something from it !

KikiLaRue

Similar_Situation wrote: »

Hi Op, I feel like I'm in the same situation as yourself except I'm a lad. (I actually stumbled on your thread while considering starting my own)

Anyway my situation is similar, (minus the friends with benefits)

I feel like I'm a really nice guy. I always pay for drinks/food and like doing so, If I'm not interested in someone I try to be straight up in the nicest way possible. I think when i meet someone I really like i come across as too keen. I try my best to be 'a lovely lad' and i like people to think of me as 'really nice'

I'm pretty much terrible at pulling on a night out. I struggle to chat to girls and only get any success when well drunk. I wouldn't chat to many girls on a day to day basis. People would consider me as 'quiet' .

All my friends are good looking, confident, stylish, energetic guys and I feel shattered and **** after most nights out when they get all the attention and I get none. Since this has been going on practically since I started going to pubs and clubs, I just have to get on with it. It feels like a destructive circle of No Female Attention = No Confidence, No Confidence = No Female Attention.

Luckily I can rely on Tinder because and I go on plenty of dates (Maybe 5 or 6 in a year). I enjoy them all but I feel like the girls that I like, they don't want to meet up again and the girls that I don't like tend to be interested.

Every now and again (twice in the last few years and maybe 3 or 4 times since I started dating) I've met someone I really clicked with, had the same interests, found attractive and who's found me attractive.

Because this doesn't happen often, I really fall for them and I probably appear too keen and after about 3 months, they decide they don't want to meet anymore and I sink down this rabbit hole of depression for awhile.

This happened to me very recently and this time especially it was a really tough one to take. I was very invested in a girl I met and was really looking forward to taking it further and tried my hardest not to screw it up, but now I'm back to where I started and its hard to move on.. No girlfriend, no FWB, no chance of getting one any time soon, feeling unattractive, more un-confident than ever, dreading having to go back onto tinder and begin all over again.

The worst thing is I don't know what goes wrong so its very hard not to blame myself and even harder to fix.

Anyway sorry for hijacking your thread, at least you might be able to relate to my story and take something from it !

Hiya. I'm the OP. I re-regged under a different name because I didn't want to be known as "aloneforever" for my entire Boards life.

I really related to your story. I don't have a lot of advice to offer but it sounds like you're actually doing okay and just had a bit of bad luck, not unlike myself.

Chin up. Maybe take a couple of weeks off dating or even trying to think about it and focus on something else that makes you happy. Then when you're a bit happier in yourself, dive back in.

That's what I'm trying to do.