If a man wants a woman......

Segotias

ArchXStanton wrote: »

There's a place that's terrifying to women.... A world were they might actually have to do a bit of groundwork and come under the same intense scrutiny by the opposite sex, a more level playing field...

So on the "level playing field" its acceptable to do the "groundwork" and get shot down or worse to even things out.

Why would anyone line themselves up for that when they know for sure the outcome is not going to be positive

Ariadne

ArchXStanton wrote: »

There's a place that's terrifying to women.... A world were they might actually have to do a bit of groundwork and come under the same intense scrutiny by the opposite sex, a more level playing field...

Are you kidding me? When I was a teenager I had my self esteem mostly destroyed by boys. Comments about how they'd never kiss "that", calling me ugly and criticising every aspect of my appearance. I don't mind making the first move on someone and don't shy away from it but men can absolutely be d1cks when it comes to a woman's appearance, not just something that women do to men. By the way, I've never once been cruel to someone who tried it on with me.

Floppybits

Zorya wrote: »

(*Googles DTF )

Your not the only one. Hard to keep up with this stuff, only found out what a peach and aubergine emojii represent.

lawred2

Floppybits wrote: »

Your not the only one. Hard to keep up with this stuff, only found out what a peach and aubergine emojii represent.

don't leave me hanging...

aloneforever99

lawred2 wrote: »

don't leave me hanging...

That's what he said.

Floppybits

lawred2 wrote: »

don't leave me hanging...

Well Peach is used for an arse and aubergine is for the male appendage. So be careful if you send someone a text saying meaning you like peaches as it could be picked up as you like their ass.

Deebles McBeebles

Succubus_ wrote: »

Are you kidding me? When I was a teenager I had my self esteem mostly destroyed by boys. Comments about how they'd never kiss "that", calling me ugly and criticising every aspect of my appearance. I don't mind making the first move on someone and don't shy away from it but men can absolutely be d1cks when it comes to a woman's appearance, not just something that women do to men. By the way, I've never once been cruel to someone who tried it on with me.

Its not about gender is it? There are c*nts and decent people. You were unlucky enough to come across quite a few c*nts by the sound of it.

Ted Johnson

Im into pua so I'm constantly out approaching. Naturally I get rejected loads but I can only think of one really bad rejection where the girl was a total bitch.

I'm tall and good looking, and I don't need to slam 3 pints on 30 mins to get the courage to approach, so that helps.

Also these days I only go for foreign women who seem much nicer and much more open to being approached than irish girls.

lawred2

Pua?

Zorya

Ted Johnson wrote: »

Im into pua so I'm constantly out approaching. Naturally I get rejected loads but I can only think of one really bad rejection where the girl was a total bitch.

I'm tall and good looking, and I don't need to slam 3 pints on 30 mins to get the courage to approach, so that helps.

Also these days I only go for foreign women who seem much nicer and much more open to being approached than irish girls.

Ah Howaye, long time no see. Can I sign up to your newsletter?

Ted Johnson

Im into pua so I'm constantly out approaching. Naturally I get rejected loads but I can only think of one really bad rejection where the girl was a total bitch.

I'm tall and good looking, and I don't need to slam 3 pints in 30 mins to get the courage to approach, so that helps.

Also these days I only go for foreign women who seem much nicer and much more open to being approached than irish girls.

Deebles McBeebles

lawred2 wrote: »

Pua?

Don't feed it.

lawred2

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Don't feed it.

Is it akin to what those goons used to read when I was on the lookout..

The game or something

Ted Johnson

lawred2 wrote: »

Is it akin to those goons who used to read the game when I was on the lookout..

Pick up artistry. Just men who want to get out and meet girls, and get better at doing it.

lainey_d_123

aloneforever99 wrote: »

Yeah, women are complete strangers to the idea of intense scrutiny by the opposite sex.........

Hilarious, isn't it?

I also don't know where this world is that all women need to do to find a partner is sit around and be approached, because it's not the one I live in. Even on apps, I'm very often the one to start the convo after a match.

izzyflusky

Well... I have to agree with the men here. I don't go out much anymore, I am by no means great looking but I do get approached if I'm out with friends or even in work (before they know I'm not single).

Over Christmas I was literally standing at the bus stop and had 3 people come up, surely it was a night out and all that but they seemed pretty decent and wouldn't have turned some of them down had it been years ago.

I also remember when I was single, you just minded your own business and someone would always come or else you just looked over to a guy you liked a few times and they did the rest. I don't think it's the same for men though, at least not as common. As a woman I never felt the need to do much, and I what I saw back then or even now is that you don't have to be good looking because there will always be someone interested and letting you know too.

lainey_d_123

izzyflusky wrote: »

Well... I have to agree with the men here. I don't go out much anymore, I am by no means great looking but I do get approached if I'm out with friends or even in work (before they know I'm not single).

Over Christmas I was literally standing at the bus stop and had 3 people come up, surely it was a night out and all that but they seemed pretty decent and wouldn't have turned some of them down had it been years ago.

I also remember when I was single, you just minded your own business and someone would always come or else you just looked over to a guy you liked a few times and they did the rest. I don't think it's the same for men though, at least not as common. As a woman I never felt the need to do much, and I what I saw back then or even now is that you don't have to be good looking because there will always be someone interested and letting you know too.

I think if you were single now and actually looking, you'd have a very, very different perspective. It's change enormously over the last decade.

Mister Vain

I'd find it difficult to cold approach someone in a place that wasn't a night club, which I'm probably too old for at this stage. People usually sit in groups in pubs and the social nights out in work are spent talking to colleagues for the most part. It seems the dating apps are the only option as far as actually pursuing goes.

kowloon

Zorya wrote: »

(*Googles DTF )

It's either Dental Treatment Facility or Drugs Task Force. Must be some sort of role play thing. They both examine cavities, I suppose.

Galwayguy35

Hayley Many Peak wrote: »

I like shyer men so I've done most of the chasing. Weeks it took me with my OH. There's another friend I have, he's good looking, lovely guy, gainfully employed and all that and has no luck with the women at all. Used to be mystified by it until I saw him with a woman who, while not being direct, was dropping some pretty clear encouraging hints, all of which he was cheerfully 100% oblivious to. You could see the moment she decided he was either gay or not interested.

Why didn't she just ask him out?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Why didn't she just ask him out?

You'd have to ask her?

lainey_d_123

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Why didn't she just ask him out?

I genuinely don't see the big deal here. Maybe it's because I'm on the spectrum, but it surely asking for someone's number doesn't even imply a romantic meeting right off the bat? Not like when you're 13 and boys are asking 'do you wanna be my girlfriend?'

If I'm out and I meet a guy I like, I'll very often ask for his number for the purpose of meeting up to do an activity/hobby we've both mentioned or having a drink. Not in an awkward datey way, just asking if he fancies meeting up sometime. That ensures that there's no feeling of regret, or thinking 'I should have asked for his number and now I'll never see him again'.

I've made friends this way and started dating several men this way, after starting off as friends meeting for drinks. Sometimes it's just stayed totally platonic. I genuinely do not understand why it's such a big deal.

Dien

buried wrote: »

Yeah you are right it is insulting. Especially if it's one you really liked and thought something could maybe go somewhere. Ya get the auld heave ho and have to deal with that, and do your best to get over it and move on. Then when you do, BANG, they back in your zone. Its fairly $hitty when it's one you liked because you got to start all end over again.

It is ****ty buried, and I wish people weren't like that..but it's not as complicated as you think. In situations like what you've experienced, they are just not that interested in the guy/girl (me/you), play the field for a while after and get nowhere and then come back for a confidence boost from the last guy they knew was into them. It's ****, but it's just the human ego/nature. Don't let it get you down, someone like that is no loss. But don't lose hope or become bitter over it either, you just haven't found the right one yet! Sounds like a cliche maybe, but I had given up hope and when I least expected it crossed paths with the perfect OH

izzyflusky

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I think if you were single now and actually looking, you'd have a very, very different perspective. It's change enormously over the last decade.

I just happened to be out with friends last night and had the same experience. Not sure if it's because I'm not actually looking for anything that it happens but pretty much the few times I happened to be alone someone came over to chat. I did talk to a male friend about this topic a bit and he said that 3 times in his life he had been approached by women while out. He said he acted very weird thinking that it was some sort of joke and was annoyed about it afterwards when he realised it wasn't and had lost an opportunity.

To be quite frank, I would be put off approaching anyone again if I had that reaction. I am aware that men go through it all the time, but if the alternative is to mind my own business and still get phone numbers without any of the awkwardness or possibility of being rejected...I think the answer is pretty clear.

ArchXStanton

izzyflusky wrote: »

I just happened to be out with friends last night and had the same experience. Not sure if it's because I'm not actually looking for anything that it happens but pretty much the few times I happened to be alone someone came over to chat. I did talk to a male friend about this topic a bit and he said that 3 times in his life he had been approached by women while out. He said he acted very weird thinking that it was some sort of joke and was annoyed about it afterwards when he realised it wasn't and had lost an opportunity.

To be quite frank, I would be put off approaching anyone again if I had that reaction. I am aware that men go through it all the time, but if the alternative is to mind my own business and still get phone numbers without any of the awkwardness or possibility of being rejected...I think the answer is pretty clear.

I've a fairly large group of both female and male friends, we've been hanging around since we've been teenagers, you get to see their trials and tribulations throughout life, when it comes to their love lives the difference is night and day, even my good looking male friends still have to work hard, the girls side of things, they could break up with someone and be dating someone else within a week and had other suitors in the wings(you get to see the infamous monkey branching too). The lads are most definitely operating from a scarcity mentality

Ariadne

ArchXStanton wrote: »

I've a fairly large group of both female and male friends, we've been hanging around since we've been teenagers, you get to see their trials and tribulations throughout life, when it comes to their love lives the difference is night and day, even my good looking male friends still have to work hard, the girls side of things, they could break up with someone and be dating someone else within a week and had other suitors in the wings(you get to see the infamous monkey branching too). The lads are most definitely operating from a scarcity mentality

I think it's easier for women to have casual sex if they want it but getting into a relationship is a different story, it's about the same for the sexes.

suicide_circus

Succubus_ wrote: »

it's about the same for the sexes.

women tend to mate with men who are a little older than them and in the same or higher socio economic group. there are also more biological clock pressure on women.

Ariadne

suicide_circus wrote: »

women tend to mate with men who are a little older than them and in the same or higher socio economic group. there are also more biological clock pressure on women.

I was talking about the level of difficulty the sexes face when getting into a relationship, I don't think there's a difference really. Both genders face different but similar level pressures.

ArchXStanton

Succubus_ wrote: »

I think it's easier for women to have casual sex if they want it but getting into a relationship is a different story, it's about the same for the sexes.

I'd have to disagree with you, the same bunch of friends nearly all the girls are in a relationship, married, kids etc. Only one of my male friends is married, and one in a relationship with kids. Women get far more opportunity to develop a relationship, night of fun,short love affair, thats not to say they don't have to deal with heartbreaks, cheaters and incompatible people but pound for pound it's not a very level or fair playing field and it's getting worse with tinder and the likes. To be fair a lot of it is men's fault, basically a women doesn't have to do anything but be a woman and lads will chase them.

Ariadne

ArchXStanton wrote: »

I'd have to disagree with you, the same bunch of friends nearly all the girls are in a relationship, married, kids etc. Only one of my male friends is married, and one in a relationship with kids. Women get far more opportunity to develop a relationship, night of fun,short love affair, thats not to say they don't have to deal with heartbreaks, cheaters and incompatible people but pound for pound it's not a very level or fair playing field and it's getting worse with tinder and the likes. To be fair a lot of it is men's fault, basically a women doesn't have to do anything but be a woman and lads will chase them.

I think the likes of tinder are just increasing the number of hook ups but not making it easier to find relationships, in fact possibly making it more difficult. I often find that when a man and woman break up from a long term relationship that it's the man who seems to be with someone new the next week rather than vice versa. That's just anecdotal though. Do your male friends who are single actually want to be married with kids though? Desire has an impact.

Daisy78

ArchXStanton wrote: »

I've a fairly large group of both female and male friends, we've been hanging around since we've been teenagers, you get to see their trials and tribulations throughout life, when it comes to their love lives the difference is night and day, even my good looking male friends still have to work hard, the girls side of things, they could break up with someone and be dating someone else within a week and had other suitors in the wings(you get to see the infamous monkey branching too). The lads are most definitely operating from a scarcity mentality

Complete opposite in my circle, my female friends would find it very difficult to meet someone, even getting chatted up or approached is a rarity. They are all decent looking, friendly, chatty, intelligent but some of them have gone years without even a date. The guys I know on the other hand have no such problem, break up with a girl one day and get with a new one the next. And to put it kindly none of them are killing it in the looks department. I don’t know, there must be some secret password or code that opens up the world of dating and relationships that we are not in on!!

ArchXStanton

Succubus_ wrote: »

I think the likes of tinder are just increasing the number of hook ups but not making it easier to find relationships, in fact possibly making it more difficult. I often find that when a man and woman break up from a long term relationship that it's the man who seems to be with someone new the next week rather than vice versa. That's just anecdotal though. Do your male friends who are single actually want to be married with kids though? Desire has an impact.

they're a bit torn like myself from talking with them, we're all approaching the 40 mark, sure we wanted it when we were younger but as you get older wiser, more experience under the belt, less inclined to put up with bull**** and games, the magic love dust that falls away from your younger eyes,you start nearly valuing your freedom more,put it this way the clearer your vision the more you wish you were blind.

Segotias

Daisy78 wrote: »

Complete opposite in my circle, my female friends would find it very difficult to meet someone, even getting chatted up or approached is a rarity. They are all decent looking, friendly, chatty, intelligent but some of them have gone years without even a date. The guys I know on the other hand have no such problem, break up with a girl one day and get with a new one the next. And to put it kindly none of them are killing it in the looks department. I don’t know, there must be some secret password or code that opens up the world of dating and relationships that we are not in on!!

This I completely agree with. The men I know seem to have no problem moving from one to the next. Whereas the women don't seem to have the same opportunity. I'd say its easily been 5 years since I've been on a date. Whereas a male friend of mine who split up his last long term relationship has had no problem getting dates. To the point recently he took a break from dating to focus on other things but is now ready to get out there again. I'd imagine he'll have no problem as usual.

ArchXStanton

Throbplump wrote: »

How often do you ask men out on dates?

There was a post a bit back were someone asked why didn't she ask him out when he didn't pick up on her subtle hints, in my experience men don't do subtle hints or mind reading, we operate in the world of clear, direct communication... It's how we navigate in the world. If we want something we ask for it. Of course she probably blamed him for not picking up on her hints and asking her out instead of actually just being direct herself and taking the hit of a rejection or the start of a beautiful love story.

Daisy78

ArchXStanton wrote: »

There was a post a bit back were someone asked why didn't she ask him out when he didn't pick up on her subtle hints, in my experience men don't do subtle hints or mind reading, we operate in the world of clear, direct communication... It's how we navigate in the world. If we want something we ask for it. Of course she probably blamed him for not picking up on her hints and asking her out instead of actually just being direct herself and taking the hit of a rejection or the start of a beautiful love story.

Well I guess it comes back to the idea (rightly or wrongly) that if a guy is interested, particularly if a woman is projecting her interest he will ask her out. It’s implied that if he doesn’t do the asking then he wasn’t that into you in the first place.

Segotias

ArchXStanton wrote: »

There was a post a bit back were someone asked why didn't she ask him out when he didn't pick up on her subtle hints, in my experience men don't do subtle hints or mind reading, we operate in the world of clear, direct communication... It's how we navigate in the world. If we want something we ask for it. Of course she probably blamed him for not picking up on her hints and asking her out instead of actually just being direct herself and taking the hit of a rejection or the start of a beautiful love story.

Where did I say this?

I said I didn't approach men and I tend to people watch and don't seem to be their type so why would I line myself up to be shot down. Never said anything about subtle hints

ArchXStanton

Segotias wrote: »

Where did I say this?

I said I didn't approach men and I tend to people watch and don't seem to be their type so why would I line myself up to be shot down. Never said anything about subtle hints

That wasn't aimed at you, it was at a post a bit back were someone asked why didn't the girl ask him out when he didn't pick up on her hints

Segotias

ArchXStanton wrote: »

That wasn't aimed at you, it was at a post a bit back were someone asked why didn't the girl ask him out when he didn't pick up on her hints

Apologies thought you were as you replied to someone who'd quoted my post

ArchXStanton

Daisy78 wrote: »

Well I guess it comes back to the idea (rightly or wrongly) that if a guy is interested, particularly if a woman is projecting her interest he will ask her out. It’s implied that if he doesn’t do the asking then he wasn’t that into you in the first place.

Or maybe he just thinks she's being friendly, like I said men in general don't do subtle hints

Segotias

Throbplump wrote: »

How often do you ask men out on dates?

I don't....wouldn't tend to be the type I see men go for so don't bother.

I'm aware its a not a good thing..but there you go. I definitely wouldn't be just comparing that male friend to me but to what I know from other friends etc Male and female

aloneforever99

ArchXStanton wrote: »

That wasn't aimed at you, it was at a post a bit back were someone asked why didn't the girl ask him out when he didn't pick up on her hints

It's because one of the worst things a woman can be called is 'desperate' and the perception is "if he liked you he'd ask you out".

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Mister Vain wrote: »

Yes this always baffled me. A bit of playful slagging can be fun, but its not exactly a transparent way of expressing an interest in someone. It's like there's some sort of ambiguous Celtic mystique to the whole dating process here. And if you try and use the more direct approach that you see being practiced in other countries, you'd likely evoke a response of sheer terror.

I don’t know. It doesn’t baffle me at all. A very important quality I’ve always looked for in a man is an ability to laugh at themselves. And it goes both ways. It’s a quality I like in anyone and strive for myself. I know there’s gentle ribbing and downright mocking and the latter isn’t good. But someone not being able to engage in the former is a red flag for me - it denotes humourlessness and insecurity.

I’d prefer flirty back-and-forth ribbing to the direct approach myself. It’s much more fun and I’d have to disagree that it’s not a transparent way of expressing interest. I think it’s pretty easy to decipher when the person who is slagging you is interested or not. Body language and eye contact give it away. I think I was always able to pick up when a guy would be slagging me in just a friendly way and wasn’t interested in me in a sexual or romantic way. There are so many tells.

ArchXStanton

aloneforever99 wrote: »

It's because one of the worst things a woman can be called is 'desperate' and the perception is "if he liked you he'd ask you out".

Another cop out to add to "that's the man's job" "a man has to feel he's worked for you" if you can't communicate effectively or directly what your feelings/intentions are, that's not the man's problem, that problem is with you. I don't go into a hardware shop to buy a hammer and ask for a carton of orange juice and expect to get a hammer, or hope that the cashier is a mind reader.

Mister Vain

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

I don’t know. It doesn’t baffle me at all. A very important quality I’ve always looked for in a man is an ability to laugh at themselves. And it goes both ways. It’s a quality I like in anyone and strive for myself. I know there’s gentle ribbing and downright mocking and the latter isn’t good. But someone not being able to engage in the former is a red flag for me - it denotes humourlessness and insecurity.

I’d prefer flirty back-and-forth ribbing to the direct approach myself. It’s much more fun and I’d have to disagree that it’s not a transparent way of expressing interest. I think it’s pretty easy to decipher when the person who is slagging you is interested or not. Body language and eye contact give it away. I think I was always able to pick up when a guy would be slagging me in just a friendly way and wasn’t interested in me in a sexual or romantic way. There are so many tells.

Well its not as transparent as the direct approach. I'd be up for a laugh just as much as anyone else, but I've just had better luck when the woman (usually Eastern European or American) was direct. For example, a Polish girl in work asked me out once and we went for a drink and ended up dating for a while. There was no tip-toeing around it or waiting until the inevitable social night out to make a move, which is generally the case with the Irish.

Now granted I don't drink very often, and when I do, I'd be bladdered after a few drinks, so those subtle hints are not as noticeable. I've had playful banter with girls on nights out who might have been interested in me but I just didn't pick up on it.

aloneforever99

ArchXStanton wrote: »

Another cop out to add to "that's the man's job" "a man has to feel he's worked for you" if you can't communicate effectively or directly what your feelings/intentions are, that's not the man's problem, that problem is with you. I don't go into a hardware shop to buy a hammer and ask for a carton of orange juice and expect to get a hammer, or hope that the cashier is a mind reader.

Are you suggesting that it's not the cultural norm/ tradition for the man to take the lead in these things? I'm not saying it's right, but it is very much the norm.

ArchXStanton

aloneforever99 wrote: »

Are you suggesting that it's not the cultural norm/ tradition for the man to take the lead in these things? I'm not saying it's right, but it is very much the norm.

No my whole problem is that it is the social norm for men to do it, it's sucks, it's outdated and what a lot women won't admit is that their egos wouldn't handle the hit of rejection

aloneforever99

ArchXStanton wrote: »

No my whole problem is that it is the social norm for men to do it, it's sucks, it's outdated and what a lot women won't admit is that their egos wouldn't handle the hit of rejection

Three weeks ago a guy asked me out for drinks on Bumble. He suggested Thursday. I don't know if he realised it or not but Thursday was Valentines Day. We agreed to go out. We hadn't chatted much so I wasn't super into him or anything but I was excited to have a date for Valentines.

The night before I text him to confirm and he came back straight away to say he was looking forward to it.

Two hours later he text me again cancelling the date because he had looked at some of my other photos and decided he wasn't attracted to me. The photos on my profile had not changed since he asked me out.

I was gutted. And it made me feel so, so ugly. I don't know where you got this idea that women don't get rejected but it's very wrong.

Zorya

aloneforever99 wrote: »

Three weeks ago a guy asked me out for drinks on Bumble. He suggested Thursday. I don't know if he realised it or not but Thursday was Valentines Day. We agreed to go out. We hadn't chatted much so I wasn't super into him or anything but I was excited to have a date for Valentines.

The night before I text him to confirm and he came back straight away to say he was looking forward to it.

Two hours later he text me again cancelling the date because he had looked at some of my other photos and decided he wasn't attracted to me. The photos on my profile had not changed since he asked me out.

I was gutted. And it made me feel so, so ugly. I don't know where you got this idea that women don't get rejected but it's very wrong.

Yegads! That's cruel. Did he actually SAY that was what happened?

aloneforever99

Zorya wrote: »

Yegads! That's cruel. Did he actually SAY that was what happened?

He said "Actually I just looked at some of your other photos. I'm not attracted to you. No hard feelings."

If he wasn't attracted to me
a) he could have decided that before asking me out
b) if he realised later he could have made literally any other excuse to cancel without hurting my feelings so harshly

Zorya

aloneforever99 wrote: »

He said "Actually I just looked at some of your other photos. I'm not attracted to you. No hard feelings."

If he wasn't attracted to me
a) he could have decided that before asking me out
b) if he realised later he could have made literally any other excuse to cancel without hurting my feelings so harshly

Rotten.

I hope you composed a devastating text message in return about him in his photos, the horrible fecker.