Wedding guests not giving gifts (Mod note in 1st post!)

teednab-el

I got married in the first few weeks of 2019 and going through the wedding cards and gifts there were at least 15 couples out of 300 people who didn't give a gift.

On the day we had a system in place that the groommen and bridesmaids give the cards directly to the mothers of the bride and groom and all people involved here were very responsible people and all cards went directly to the bride and grooms safe in the room. The system of cards going missing didn't occur because everyone was on the ball and I know that with the bridesmaids and groomsmen and both mothers.

However there were 15 couples in total that gave no gifts. Out of these 15 couples, 5 of them said they had gifts for us, which we haven't received yet (not going to, receive now).

1 or 2 guests turned up on the day with just picture frames (10 euro job) . I am not trying to sound like I'm miserable but it's bad form that 17 couples couldn't even cover the cost of having them there. People know the cost of things these days. At the end of the day we paid for them. They don't have to give anything I know but most people know thats pretty miserable thing to do and rude especially if they are going to drink eat and enjoy the entertainment at the bride and grooms expense.

Anyone have similar experience? And to those who say guests don't have to give anything. Have you got married recently and if so did you mind the experience of forking the bill for guests that didn't cough up the cash?


I'm sure there are many people on here who have experienced this and I know exactly what I'm talking about.

What did people do as a result as a matter of interest?

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Mod note: Why do threads like this get started in the middle of the night while I’m sleeping?! I’ve tidied up a couple of nonsense posts, and possibly against my better judgement, I’m leaving the thread open. But please remember to attack the post, not the poster!

OU812

teednab-el wrote: »

They don't have to give anything I know

I don't see what the problem is.

You invited them, they came, you all enjoyed yourselves, right?

teednab-el

OU812 wrote: »

I don't see what the problem is.

You invited them, they came, you all enjoyed yourselves, right?

Most people don't see it that way. Have you had a wedding recently?

Geuze

When I got married I did not analyse whether or not all guests had given gifts.

Their presence was a gift to us.

Some of them paid 157.50 for B&B, and I was ashamed and somewhat embarrassed that people paid that much.

Forget about it, focus on the love that is at the centre of marriages.

Gifts, etc. are all transient.

Love is permanent.

Rachiee

You simply shouldn't invite people who you are not happy to cater for end of story.
Maybe they wanted to enjoy the day with you and having forked out on travel accommodation clothes and childminding couldn't afford a gift, but foolishly thought you wanted to share your day with them and that that was more important than your gift

Atlantic Dawn

Did the gig make a profit?

shamrock55

We're they family or friends who didn't give, miserable so and sos,

the_syco

teednab-el wrote: »

1 or 2 guests turned up on the day with just picture frames (10 euro job)

teednab-el wrote: »

but it's bad form that 17 couples couldn't even cover the cost of having them there.

teednab-el wrote: »

I am not trying to sound like I'm miserable

But you are. You're picking examples of how you are. Were they able to drive home to where they came from, or did they have to rent a room?

I find miserable people think only of themselves, and not of the money the people had to pay to go to your wedding; the babysitters, the cost of fuel, staying at your wedding.

colm_mcm

Would have to agree with above points. I wouldn’t attend a wedding and not give a gift, but wouldn’t be offended if any guests didn’t give one either (this happened) It’s not a business.
The trick is to invite the people who mean something to you and your partner - Inviting 300 people means there are a lot of filler guests, and not all will want to fork out.

Big Words

And the oh I’m getting married and I love my guests and don’t want gifts but now it’s all different when the hotel bill arrives. Op running a wedding on a profit isn’t possible.

dark crystal

I think it's bad manners not to bring some token or gift to a wedding you've been invited to, however small, although as others have said, attending a wedding can be a very expensive process in itself nowadays with the cost of clothing, accommodation, childcare, drinks, travel costs etc.

teednab-el wrote: »

1 or 2 guests turned up on the day with just picture frames (10 euro job) . I am not trying to sound like I'm miserable but it's bad form that 17 couples couldn't even cover the cost of having them there. People know the cost of things these days. At the end of the day we paid for them. They don't have to give anything I know but most people know thats pretty miserable thing to do and rude especially if they are going to drink eat and enjoy the entertainment at the bride and grooms expense.

Anyone have similar experience? And to those who say guests don't have to give anything. Have you got married recently and if so did you mind the experience of forking the bill for guests that didn't cough up the cash?

However, I think the bolded comments above are bad manners on your part. At the end of the day, ye got married to the person you love, presumably had a lovely day and shouldn't be looking to make a profit off your friends and family on what should be one of the happiest days of your life.

Paddy The Pirate

This post would make me take second thought as to the intentions of anyone who invited me to their wedding.

As previous posters have said, many of your guests may have already forked out decent chunks of cash.

Are you genuinely so petulant and shallow, that you would go as far as to figure out each guest who didn't contribute adequately to your feast?

Genuinely felt sick reading your post. How could you call yourself a friend to these people ?

If they saw this post, how would they feel?

Witcher

'Cough up the cash'

I love it...the mask slips

Big Words

Paddy The Pirate wrote: »

This post would make me take second thought as to the intentions of anyone who invited me to their wedding.

As previous posters have said, many of your guests may have already forked out decent chunks of cash.

Are you genuinely so petulant and shallow, that you would go as far as to figure out each guest who didn't contribute adequately to your feast?

Genuinely felt sick reading your post. How could you call yourself a friend to these people ?

If they saw this post, how would they feel?

+1 op totally fractious

bluelamp

teednab-el wrote: »

it's bad form that 17 couples couldn't even cover the cost of having them there.

No it's not. The day is special to you, not them. They've probably been to five other weddings in the past year.

I give generous gifts at weddings, but I only go to weddings of people I'm actually still close to.

I wouldn't invite people to my wedding if I was relying on their cash donations to fund it - I'm very aware not everybody has a spare couple of hundred quid floating around.

Dayo93

couples couldn't even cover the cost of having them there.

Why should they , at the end of the day it cost them to be there to make up your numbers so ye look like a popular couple, the fact your moaning says alot about u:p

Bannasidhe

And this is why I don't go to weddings.

Son - if you are reading this - you have been warned.
Mammy of the groom will be washing my hair that day.
What ever date you decide. Hair washing. :cool:

Rubberchikken

that you'd comment or even notice and sound very dismissive of the picture frames means i lost any sympathy or empathy i may have had.

bad form.

weddings arent done for profit whetger monetary or otherwise.
they are supposedly a happy day to share with people who are happy to be there to see a couple marry.

a gift shouldnt have to cover the expense the couple went to to put on the wedding.

Dayo93

Bannasidhe wrote: »

And this is why I don't go to weddings.

Son - if you are reading this - you have been warned.
Mammy of the groom will be washing my hair that day.
What ever date you decide. Hair washing. :cool:

Hope your joking , if ye were my ma id let ye rot in your old age

BuboBubo

So you invited 300 of your beloved family and closest friends (!) and only 15 couples or so didn't give gifts? You did quite well tbh.

Heres Johnny

I don't know 300 people never mind 300 I'd invite to a wedding.
Sorry your wedding cost ya a few quid OP but you're coming across very petty here.

NSAman

Jaysus this says a lot about you... talk about a bloody money grabber/gift checker.

You decided to get married. Your guests were invited as “friends”, or were they invited due to the amount you could get from them?

Be happy with what you got. Your partner in life!

It ain’t all about money/gifts. I think you will find that in life money may be important, but it is not THE most important thing in life.

Your “special” day is now an audit of what you got or didn’t get from people. That’s a great way to start a marriage. Imagine having to divvy up this in the divorce!!!

Bannasidhe

Dayo93 wrote: »

Hope your joking , if ye were my ma id let ye rot in your old age

If I was your Ma I'd die of shame that a son of mine would write such a badly constructed sentence.

jimbobaloobob

teednab-el wrote: »

However there were 15 couples in total that gave no gifts. Out of these 15 couples, 5 of them said they had gifts for us, which we haven't received yet (not going to, receive now).

1 or 2 guests turned up on the day with just picture frames (10 euro job) . I am not trying to sound like I'm miserable but it's bad form that 17 couples couldn't even cover the cost of having them there. People know the cost of things these days. At the end of the day we paid for them. They don't have to give anything I know but most people know thats pretty miserable thing to do and rude especially if they are going to drink eat and enjoy the entertainment at the bride and grooms expense.


I'm sure there are many people on here who have experienced this and I know exactly what I'm talking about.

What did people do as a result as a matter of interest?

Couple of questions if you don't mind.
How many of the 120 other couples over exceeded the cost of having them there on the day? How much did they exceed the cost by? ( would it cover much of the cost of those that did not pay)

Surely out of 300 people they can't all be close close friends and will not deem it justifiable to put in what you feel would cover the costs of them being there.

All seems a bit like a money making exercise. Almost like an election vote.

€10 frames comment is bit of a low blow to some who might be feeling they have to attend because of invitation.

I'd be more inclined to get on with the business of being married and accepting genuine good wishes from people.

ED E

teednab-el wrote: »

that 17 couples couldn't even cover the cost of having them there.

You're not an event promoter, if you expect to cover costs like Akon Productions its not an invitation.

From Cavan per chance?

BuboBubo

ED E wrote: »

its not an invitation.

From Cavan per chance?

Its a fcukin summons

Who on Earth has a 300-person wedding and then expects everyone to "cough up the cash" to be there.

All you did with your popularity exercise was make the thing less intimate for the people you actually wanted there. Waste of time.

Hoboo

Poor planning on your behalf OP. You should have been upfront and not send intvites, but instead sold tickets.

Ludikrus

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Who on Earth has a 300-person wedding and then expects everyone to "cough up the cash" to be there.

All you did with your popularity exercise was make the thing less intimate for the people you actually wanted there. Waste of time.

Red neck wedding/collection.

Big Words

Deleted User wrote: »

Who on Earth has a 300-person wedding and then expects everyone to "cough up the cash" to be there.

All you did with your popularity exercise was make the thing less intimate for the people you actually wanted there. Waste of time.

The boom is back, we have to have a prodigious wedding.

BettePorter

teednab-el wrote: »

On the day we had a system in place that the groommen and bridesmaids give the cards directly to the mothers of the bride and groom .The system of cards going missing didn't occur because everyone was on the ball and I know that with the bridesmaids and groomsmen and both mothers.

Op even the way you describe this system you had arranged for cards /money. You make it sound like you were organising someone to take the entrance fee at a nightclub. Most ppl don't consider the gift aspect never mind prempt a chain of authorised ppl to get it from guest to brides safe! I've seen random uncles and brothers hand over crumpled envelopes that were given to them to pass on. I've never heard of anyone so obsessed about the money from the off. Says a lot about you tbh. Also I note you aren't asking if you're 'right' to be annoyed. You're asking what did other ppl do in same position. So basically you want ppl to advise you how to get your 'fee' back is it ?

StupidLikeAFox

Bannasidhe wrote: »

And this is why I don't go to weddings.

Son - if you are reading this - you have been warned.
Mammy of the groom will be washing my hair that day.
What ever date you decide. Hair washing. :cool:

"Mam, why aren't you coming to my wedding?"

"A woman on the internet was being greedy son, I'd rather wash my hair"

ChikiChiki

The sense of entitlement is strong in this one. Good luck to your o/h.

twowheelsonly

A wedding, at it's most basic, needs a celebrant, a witness and a couple. Anything after that is fluff.

You chose to invite 300 people so obviously enough you can afford to pay for that. I'm absolutely gobsmacked that you actually took the time to sit down afterwards and mark down all the people that gave you gifts and those that didn't. You either wanted them at your wedding or you didn't - the gifts should be totally irrelevant.
If things are so tight that you were depending on these people to give you gifts ( obviously money going by your very demeaning 'photo frames' comment) then maybe you shouldn't have planned such an extravaganza.

BTW, I'd be very wary of saying that 'John and Mary' or whoever didn't give you anything. Despite your military like collection arrangements there's always a chance that one or two cards could be gone missing.

Necro

Hoboo wrote:

Poor planning on your behalf OP. You should have been upfront and not send intvites, but instead sold tickets.

Well technically they did, in the form of accommodation costs for the guests.

I have a few mates who are like this sadly. Saw the weddings as money making exercises and judged the guests by the gift or amount of money given.

Sad really.

My own wedding had 60 people of close friends and family and I never even thought about what gifts or whatever people gave us.

In fact at the time my best man was a bit down on his luck, was very embarrassed he couldn't give us a gift for the wedding. I took him aside and told him not to be so stupid that we didn't expect anything and the thing he was more worried about was the same mates above judging him on it.

So when the usual question came up I told them he gave us 500 quid :P

Tipp Red

I've never got married, but just wondering if this is a number's game, law of averages thing.....where a certain % of a certain number of guests are never going to buy a gift?

Snotty

Don't invite them to your next wedding.

AuldDaysul

Ha where's the OP gone, I want to hear more about the scroungers with their picture frames

Suckit

I was at a wedding last year (two nights in Kilkenny). Cost a fair bit as it was on the same time as Kilkenny Arts festival. Anyway, on the 2nd night, the bride approached me and said that she hadn't got my card. I had met the groom in the street the day before and had given it to him as I had it on me (after getting the card in the shop) and he put it in his car.
I told her I gave it to him.
30 minutes later she came back to me and said he says he never got it (everyone was fairly cut) We had to go to him, and I was asked in front of him and about 5-10 other people "did you give him the card yesterday?"
The groom stared straight at me in kind of shock (as he wasn't expecting to be confronted and knew I wasn't).
Long story short, we got the card out of the car, but the thing that shocked me most, was that she had already gone through the cards and was working out who hadn't given anything and decided that the best thing to do was confront them all the night before we all went home.

Noo

Suckit wrote: »

I was at a wedding last year (two nights in Kilkenny). Cost a fair bit as it was on the same time as Kilkenny Arts festival. Anyway, on the 2nd night, the bride approached me and said that she hadn't got my card. I had met the groom in the street the day before and had given it to him as I had it on me (after getting the card in the shop) and he put it in his car.
I told her I gave it to him.
30 minutes later she came back to me and said he says he never got it (everyone was fairly cut) We had to go to him, and I was asked in front of him and about 5-10 other people "did you give him the card yesterday?"
The groom stared straight at me in kind of shock (as he wasn't expecting to be confronted and knew I wasn't).
Long story short, we got the card out of the car, but the thing that shocked me most, was that she had already gone through the cards and was working out who hadn't given anything and decided that the best thing to do was confront them all the night before we all went home.

This is why I love lurking in the wedding forum, you get some absolute gems.

twowheelsonly

Suckit wrote: »

I was at a wedding last year (two nights in Kilkenny). Cost a fair bit as it was on the same time as Kilkenny Arts festival. Anyway, on the 2nd night, the bride approached me and said that she hadn't got my card. I had met the groom in the street the day before and had given it to him as I had it on me (after getting the card in the shop) and he put it in his car.
I told her I gave it to him.
30 minutes later she came back to me and said he says he never got it (everyone was fairly cut) We had to go to him, and I was asked in front of him and about 5-10 other people "did you give him the card yesterday?"
The groom stared straight at me in kind of shock (as he wasn't expecting to be confronted and knew I wasn't).
Long story short, we got the card out of the car, but the thing that shocked me most, was that she had already gone through the cards and was working out who hadn't given anything and decided that the best thing to do was confront them all the night before we all went home.

Poor fella.... Caught with his secret stash on the very first day !!

Seriously though, that's just sad.. I'm picturing all these couples sitting down on the laptop with their spreadsheets and marking off all the cards and gifts against their guest lists.

Third_Echelon

teednab-el wrote: »

I got married in the first few weeks of 2019 and going through the wedding cards and gifts there were at least 15 couples out of 300 people who didn't give a gift.

And to those who say guests don't have to give anything. Have you got married recently and if so did you mind the experience of forking the bill for guests that didn't cough up the cash?

You pay for your guest's dinner and entertainment! That's how it works.... If you didn't want to pay for their dinner, why did you invite them?

If a guest decided to give a physical or cash gift, that's a bonus. Planning on receiving money to pay for the wedding means that you couldn't afford your wedding. If you can't afford something, you don't do it. Simple.

Deja Boo

You sound as if you were throwing them a party and tsk tsk, how ungrateful they were not to foot the bill.

At your next big event, remember to pre-inform your guests of host expectations on the invite “rsvp accepted only with a cash advance, minimum 500 quid cover charge for admission.” ...Will no doubt affect that 17 out of 300 gift ratio you are so displeased with (and avoid any unnecessary hard feelings for sure*)

You can use your wedding as an expense basis - tally up each guests food and drink consumption, then add in a proper “disappointment percentage fee” to make up for any perceived guest entitlement allowance (like, did they enjoy the music too much, etc.)

…..or you could simply unfriend the 17 disappointmants on facebook, that’ll teach ‘em!


*sarcasm, without a picture frame - my gift to you.

Sir Oxman

teednab-el wrote: »

I got married in the first few weeks of 2019 and going through the wedding cards and gifts there were at least 15 couples out of 300 people who didn't give a gift.

On the day we had a system in place that the groommen and bridesmaids give the cards directly to the mothers of the bride and groom and all people involved here were very responsible people and all cards went directly to the bride and grooms safe in the room. The system of cards going missing didn't occur because everyone was on the ball and I know that with the bridesmaids and groomsmen and both mothers.

However there were 15 couples in total that gave no gifts. Out of these 15 couples, 5 of them said they had gifts for us, which we haven't received yet (not going to, receive now).

1 or 2 guests turned up on the day with just picture frames (10 euro job) . I am not trying to sound like I'm miserable but it's bad form that 17 couples couldn't even cover the cost of having them there. People know the cost of things these days. At the end of the day we paid for them. They don't have to give anything I know but most people know thats pretty miserable thing to do and rude especially if they are going to drink eat and enjoy the entertainment at the bride and grooms expense.

Anyone have similar experience? And to those who say guests don't have to give anything. Have you got married recently and if so did you mind the experience of forking the bill for guests that didn't cough up the cash?


I'm sure there are many people on here who have experienced this and I know exactly what I'm talking about.

What did people do as a result as a matter of interest?

Jesus Christ.:mad:

kayevajo

teednab-el wrote: »

I got married in the first few weeks of 2019 and going through the wedding cards and gifts there were at least 15 couples out of 300 people who didn't give a gift.

On the day we had a system in place that the groommen and bridesmaids give the cards directly to the mothers of the bride and groom and all people involved here were very responsible people and all cards went directly to the bride and grooms safe in the room. The system of cards going missing didn't occur because everyone was on the ball and I know that with the bridesmaids and groomsmen and both mothers.

However there were 15 couples in total that gave no gifts. Out of these 15 couples, 5 of them said they had gifts for us, which we haven't received yet (not going to, receive now).

1 or 2 guests turned up on the day with just picture frames (10 euro job) . I am not trying to sound like I'm miserable but it's bad form that 17 couples couldn't even cover the cost of having them there. People know the cost of things these days. At the end of the day we paid for them. They don't have to give anything I know but most people know thats pretty miserable thing to do and rude especially if they are going to drink eat and enjoy the entertainment at the bride and grooms expense.

Anyone have similar experience? And to those who say guests don't have to give anything. Have you got married recently and if so did you mind the experience of forking the bill for guests that didn't cough up the cash?


I'm sure there are many people on here who have experienced this and I know exactly what I'm talking about.

What did people do as a result as a matter of interest?

i am just wondering if any of the people who did give you a present and that present was a life?

because if they didnt , you need to go off and get one.

lbc2019

Is the OP a wind up?

Pawwed Rig

twowheelsonly wrote: »

Seriously though, that's just sad.. I'm picturing all these couples sitting down on the laptop with their spreadsheets and marking off all the cards and gifts against their guest lists.

You kinda have to do that though as when you're writing the thank you letters to everyone it might look petty to thank someone for a gift who didn't give one.

teednab-el

There is alot of foolish people on here. The same people would act the same if They found out some of their guests screwed them over. Oh you should enjoy your day because the people who turned up without gifts turned up to celebrate your day. The irony. There are some really stupid people in here I must say. Jump on the bandwagon.

teednab-el

Third_Echelon wrote: »

You pay for your guest's dinner and entertainment! That's how it works.... If you didn't want to pay for their dinner, why did you invite them?

.

How was I to know they wouldn't pay for their dinner?

teednab-el

Paddy The Pirate wrote: »

This post would make me take second thought as to the intentions of anyone who invited me to their wedding.

As previous posters have said, many of your guests may have already forked out decent chunks of cash.

Are you genuinely so petulant and shallow, that you would go as far as to figure out each guest who didn't contribute adequately to your feast?

Genuinely felt sick reading your post. How could you call yourself a friend to these people ?

If they saw this post, how would they feel?

It doesnt work that way unfortunately.

Deja Boo

teednab-el wrote: »

How was I to know they wouldn't pay for their dinner?

you have got to be kidding me...

lbc2019 wrote: »

Is the OP a wind up?

...the more he posts, the more it appears so!