Wedding guests not giving gifts (Mod note in 1st post!)

CoBo55

Witcher wrote: »

'Cough up the cash'

I love it...the mask slips

Sums it up really. Cash received didn't match the hotel bill, not a great way to start out in married life if you're expecting the guests to balance the books.

B_ecke_r

baby and crumble wrote: »

Ok well that's mad money (in particular for the booze) if you ask me, but fair enough. I also don't understand why you have to get new clothes all the time? Like, especially for the 2nd day?

500 was what we budgeted for the 2 days drinking based on the whole day and night when you consider most places it's well over a tenner for 2 drinks it's not that much,

RE the new shirt for the next day - this was a family wedding and I needed one to be honest - wouldn't always have this expense

the last time I had to buy a suit was €350 plus in M and S now obviously this wouldn't be a regular expense.

I dunno maybe I'm doing it wrong but I could not envisage any wedding where I would spend €100 for the day,

theteal

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP I hope your parents provided your husband with a decent dowry.

Or don't you follow that part of the lavish wedding tradition?

The OP is a dude

love_love

Getting married in a few weeks and fully expect there to be several friends who do not give any gift, as it is their first real wedding and would not necessarily know the "done thing" (I remember having to ask my parents what the norm was when I went to my first "friend wedding"). I'm glad of it because it means they can't stress themselves out over not being able to afford to get there AND a gift - our main priority is having our friends and family there to celebrate. It's weird to even articulate that because it seems like a given - there would be no other reason for us to have a wedding if it wasn't about who we were spending the day with.

I may be treading over well worn ground with my response but I really don't have the patience at the moment to read through any posts who may disagree!!

Edit: Not to imply we're holier than thou - we've put on our invites that if people want to give a gift, we'd appreciate cash, but basically tried to imply that we'd much rather nothing than a "token gift". People turning up shows that they care, I don't need a picture frame or an ornament to prove that.

GingerLily

theteal wrote: »

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP I hope your parents provided your husband with a decent dowry.

Or don't you follow that part of the lavish wedding tradition?

The OP is a dude

Boards users LOVE bridezillas, if anyone acts up its just assumed it's the Brides

Neyite

I'm guessing that with 300 there, many guests paid above and beyond the cost of their plate, so probably overall you weren't at a loss.


You are pissed off that you didn't get a generous present from a tiny handful and you are scathing about the cheaper presents you got. You try to dress it up as it being bad manners but in reality, the only person displaying bad manners and poor decorum here is you, I'm afraid.



I hope that someone in real life has a word with you before you embarrass yourself further by mouthing off about them and risk the extended family finding out the way you think of your guests.

obi604

L'prof wrote: »

Not that it matters but do the numbers again and come back to me

You had the below. ie. 50 as what they would pay the hotel. Gifts are the 28.3k


300 x €50 = €15k bill to the hotel. 283 x €100 = €28.3k leaving you with €13.3k for the rest of your “expenses”

Sinister Kid

I'm curious if the 300 guests were all full day guests or if some were just invited to the afters.
I hope the OP wasn't expecting gifts off guests only invited for the after!

I don't think I know 300 people never mind like 300 people!!

BettePorter

Op you're in for some shock if and when you start having kids !

Them wee bastards pay for nothin !

teednab-el

[Deleted User] wrote: »

seems a bit of a wind up


but at the same time


turning up to a wedding without a reasonable amount in the card isnt something id do myself

if you cant afford it you cant afford it. stay home.

Exactly and I agree with you.

teednab-el

robinph wrote: »

Your party, you pay.

Where did you get the idea that weddings were a ticketed event?

Well that's an insult by the guest to the bride and groom.

Tacitus Kilgore

teednab-el wrote: »

Exactly and I agree with you.

Classy -


"Come to my wedding, but only if you have enough money to spoil me because I'm a princess"

teednab-el

obi604 wrote: »

You had the below. ie. 50 as what they would pay the hotel. Gifts are the 28.3k


300 x €50 = €15k bill to the hotel. 283 x €100 = €28.3k leaving you with €13.3k for the rest of your “expenses”

Not everyone gave 100 so why are people working out the maths. It doesn't matter what they gave as money but Its the fact someone would turn up empty handed. I must try not giving a present at my next wedding. See how far I be respected for it. Seems to be OK to do it on here.

IJS84

We are getting married in 2020, we are choosing to get married, choosing the expense, choosing the location, and are in no way expecting our guests on the day to stump up for our chosen expense. We are also considering putting on our invitations that gifts are optional as its the presence of guests is more important to us then an actual gift.

Having been to a almost 10 weddings in the past 3 years and with ones that are coming up in our families before our own, we are well aware of the expense some people go to just attend the day before adding to it with a gift and do not want our guests to feel this pressure, but this is just our view.

I just find the OP as a money making/bill paying scheme to cover the costs that the couple chose to go to for their own day

pwurple

teednab-el wrote: »

Well that's an insult by the guest to the bride and groom.

Yes, listen... we know both of these to be true.

1) It's rude not to bring a gift to a party

2) It's rude to EXPECT a gift if you're a host.

Hibernicis

theteal wrote: »

The OP is a dude

And quite possible that the spouse was also....

My first time visiting this forum. Thought I was in AH. Where’s my coat.....

doiredoire

This thread reminds me of this scene from Curb Your Enthusiasm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eakJ06TTYPs

robinph

teednab-el wrote: »

Exactly and I agree with you.

So you'd rather not know your friends who are not sufficiently wealthy to meet the costs of your choice of wedding venue?

loyatemu

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP I hope your parents provided your husband with a decent dowry.

Or don't you follow that part of the lavish wedding tradition?

OP is the husband.

heretothere

I don't know how any one thinks they'll cover the cost of their wedding with gifts. The OP clearly did and is annoyed now that they didn't.

On a FB group I was a member of one girl was saying that on the day of the wedding they were relying on cards to cover the cost of the band/ DJ/ photographer. You don't need a big lavish wedding have one within your budget and don't expect people to cover the costs.

Also just wondering what age group did you start counting the 'non gifters'? You hardly expected a gift from you 21 year old cousin!

robinph

teednab-el wrote: »

Well that's an insult by the guest to the bride and groom.

It is significantly higher on the insult scale to be checking that every guest has spent sufficiently on their gift to you and be talking about it on social media forums. The "insult" from the person who turned up to your party to celebrate your life event with you and your significant other but happened to only spend a tenner on a photo frame is negligible relatively.

Misguided1

We got married in a hotel in the midlands and it meant that everyone who attended needed to stay in local accommodation or travel some distance home. We specifically said on the invites that wedding gifts are not necessary, that attending the wedding is a gift in itself (words to that effect anyway). You can't ask people to fork out on all the expenses that go with a wedding and then demand a wedding present.

We sent handwritten notes of thanks to everyone who attended the wedding, sent a card, flowers, gave a gift etc.

You want to share your wedding day with family and friends. That's it really. Counting the cash afterwards sounds a little disingenuous to me.

robinph

teednab-el wrote: »

Not everyone gave 100 so why are people working out the maths. It doesn't matter what they gave as money but Its the fact someone would turn up empty handed. I must try not giving a present at my next wedding. See how far I be respected for it. Seems to be OK to do it on here.

It clearly does bother you though or you'd not have mentioned it, or mentioned the photo frames.

irelandrover

teednab-el wrote: »

Not everyone gave 100 so why are people working out the maths. It doesn't matter what they gave as money but Its the fact someone would turn up empty handed. I must try not giving a present at my next wedding. See how far I be respected for it. Seems to be OK to do it on here.

But you also gave out about people who only gave you photo frames. So it's clearly about the money for you and not about people showing up empty handed

baby and crumble

teednab-el wrote: »

Well that's an insult by the guest to the bride and groom.

How?

You chose to have a big party.

You chose to invite 300 people.

Why in Gods name would you expect someone else to pay for something you chose to do? You don't have to have a massive wedding to be married in Ireland. You literally only have to pay for the license and a registrar. Every single other thing is a choice.

300 folk wedding, bums on seats job IMO, some analysis of the gifting to be fair. Did ye use excel or paper?

Large bottle small glass

heretothere wrote: »

I don't know how any one thinks they'll cover the cost of their wedding with gifts. The OP clearly did and is annoyed now that they didn't.

Dude you haven't a clue; economies of scale.

Fixed cost for a large or small wedding can be the same.(church, car, photographer, flowers all that b0llix)

When you ask 300 people you can use it as leverage with hotel to get cost per head down; as the 300 customers sorry guests will have hotel rooms booked out and they'll be paying 5.50 a pint.

You then get more gifts from your customers and a better margin.

You'll always get scumbags who won't pay. The modern equivalent of lads who'd hop a wall rather than pay into a game.

A fairly tight system so you have a visible chain of custody over the cash will help to keep this down
#freakonomicsmeetsirishweddings

Tukazahn

This happens often that they don’t give. I had the same. We were a little upset, but then we calmed down and laughed at it.

CoBo55

Augeo wrote: »

300 folk wedding, bums on seats job IMO, some analysis of the gifting to be fair. Did ye use excel or paper?

Excel all the way in its own "wedding" folder along with the "car" folder the "household expenses" folder... the....folder...

baby and crumble

CoBo55 wrote: »

Excel all the way in its own "wedding" folder along with the "car" folder the "household expenses" folder... the....folder...

Ah here now don't be slagging off spreadsheets, it's how i organise my life :P:P:P

red petal

Some people are unbelievably childish and selfish on their wedding day! This sounds like a child giving out about how much they or didn't get on their communion day.

Your wedding means more to you than anyone else in the room. They have probably spent a fortune to get their in the first place, took time off work, spent money on outfits, accommodation, inconvenienced by having to arrange childcare etc. and you have a stringent plan in place to ensure no card goes amiss and counting cards. Very tacky! If you can't afford to host your friends and family for the day without expecting them to foot the bill, then keep your special day to yourselves.

And yes I do give a generous gift when attending a wedding but I wouldn't be expecting one in return for each guest if I was hosting my own.

Big Words

Send a solicitors letter to each of the couples that didn’t pay up. Demand your money. It’s your civil right.

road_high

This sums up why I hate weddings and the massive mcweddings are mostly meaningless generic fake days- would be so great if thr tradition swung back towards small, intimate close family by friends only.

GingerLily

baby and crumble wrote: »

CoBo55 wrote: »

Excel all the way in its own "wedding" folder along with the "car" folder the "household expenses" folder... the....folder...

Ah here now don't be slagging off spreadsheets, it's how i organise my life :P:P:P

I'm the same, I had a spread sheet for literally everything wedding related EXCEPT expected gifts! Nothing wrong with trying to be organised and knowing your outgoings!

Marcus Rashford

10% of people not giving a gift suggests to me that the gifts were stolen.

It’s too high a percentage.

(15 couples out of 300 people)

NinjaTruncs

OP I know this is a bit late but you should have managed presents like they do in Taiwanese weddings. As the guests are coming in, there is a table with what can only be called book-keepers, as you come in they will record your name take your present, it's all cash, and will open the envelope cash the cash and record what you gave. This system would have suited you perfectly.

scarepanda

Jesus op, you might not like to hear it, but you do sound extraordinarily miserable as well as selfish, entitled and greedy. Why did ye have such a big wedding if ye either couldn't afford it or invited people ye didn't want to spend money on? Like, seriously?

We got married in late 2017. We organised the wedding WE wanted and that WE could afford. Every single guest that was invited was invited because we genuinely wanted them there. And this might come as a bit of a shock to you, so you might want to sit down for this, we specifically, very clearly stated in our invitations, to both full and evenings, that we did NOT want any gifts from people, that the biggest and most important gift they could give us was their time and company in helping us celebrate our day. Now we did know some people would want to give us something no matter what, so to try circumvent this, so that no-one felt under pressure to 'cough up the cash', we asked that if they really wanted to gift us something that they make a donation on our behalf to a charity of THEIR choice.
And why did we do this you might ask? Well we did it because we don't know the financial situation of any of our guests and we did not want anyone under any more pressure financially just to go to our wedding. We got married on a Friday, a few weeks before Christmas, so most People had to take a day off work and it's a tight time of year with Christmas around the corner. At the end of the day, our guests were more important to us than the bottom line in the budget spreadsheet.

baldbear

"On the day we had a system in place"


What? to make as much money as possible. To me you sound immature, I'm guessing you are in your 20s.

300 people is a ridiculous number. Guests spend enough money going to weddings, accommodation, travel, babysitters etc.

We had 130 at our wedding and didn't want any cash. If I had my way we would have had about 15 people but with so many elderly in our family it was a good way to get people together in the one room where it wasn't a funeral.

Anyway all the best with married life.

teednab-el

IJS84 wrote: »

We are getting married in 2020, we are choosing to get married, choosing the expense, choosing the location, and are in no way expecting our guests on the day to stump up for our chosen expense. We are also considering putting on our invitations that gifts are optional as its the presence of guests is more important to us then an actual gift.

Having been to a almost 10 weddings in the past 3 years and with ones that are coming up in our families before our own, we are well aware of the expense some people go to just attend the day before adding to it with a gift and do not want our guests to feel this pressure, but this is just our view.

I just find the OP as a money making/bill paying scheme to cover the costs that the couple chose to go to for their own day

You are very generous and fair play.

bucketybuck

neris wrote: »

This has to be trolling.

Its pretty obvious what it is.

teednab-el

robinph wrote: »

It clearly does bother you though or you'd not have mentioned it, or mentioned the photo frames.

You are easily fooled it seems.

Ursus Horribilis

So are you going to cut these skinflints from your life?

Big Words

bucketybuck wrote: »

Its pretty obvious what it is.

Erection section for the Joe Duffy show.

teednab-el

robinph wrote: »

It clearly does bother you though or you'd not have mentioned it, or mentioned the photo frames.

Yes it does bother me. People turning up without a present is an insult. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean it's right.

baby and crumble

teednab-el wrote: »

Yes it does bother me. People turning up without a present is an insult. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean it's right.

But OP, for wedding presents the etiquette is up to 1 year after the wedding. It's only been a few weeks for you.

teednab-el

scarepanda wrote: »

Jesus op, you might not like to hear it, but you do sound extraordinarily miserable as well as selfish, entitled and greedy. Why did ye have such a big wedding if ye either couldn't afford it or invited people ye didn't want to spend money on? Like, seriously?

We got married in late 2017. We organised the wedding WE wanted and that WE could afford. Every single guest that was invited was invited because we genuinely wanted them there. And this might come as a bit of a shock to you, so you might want to sit down for this, we specifically, very clearly stated in our invitations, to both full and evenings, that we did NOT want any gifts from people, that the biggest and most important gift they could give us was their time and company in helping us celebrate our day. Now we did know some people would want to give us something no matter what, so to try circumvent this, so that no-one felt under pressure to 'cough up the cash', we asked that if they really wanted to gift us something that they make a donation on our behalf to a charity of THEIR choice.
And why did we do this you might ask? Well we did it because we don't know the financial situation of any of our guests and we did not want anyone under any more pressure financially just to go to our wedding. We got married on a Friday, a few weeks before Christmas, so most People had to take a day off work and it's a tight time of year with Christmas around the corner. At the end of the day, our guests were more important to us than the bottom line in the budget spreadsheet.

Jesus christ is there people like that out there unbelievable.

Tom Mann Centuria

teednab-el wrote: »

Yes it does bother me. People turning up without a present is an insult. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean it's right.

But according to your original post some did give you a present, just not the one you wanted.

teednab-el

Big Words wrote: »

Erection section for the Joe Duffy show.

You are annoying.

GingerLily

baby and crumble wrote: »

teednab-el wrote: »

Yes it does bother me. People turning up without a present is an insult. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean it's right.

But OP, for wedding presents the etiquette is up to 1 year after the wedding. It's only been a few weeks for you.

I rarely bring gifts to the wedding, I usually give them the day after or drop in into them after the honeymoon, usually the bridal party find it very stressful to handle that many cards!

FrancieBrady

teednab-el wrote: »

Yes it does bother me. People turning up without a present is an insult. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean it's right.

It isn't an 'insult'. An 'insult' would be if you specified that guests must give a gift and they then didn't.
You basically organised a massive wedding on the basis of a hunch - that people would pay for it. That hasn't happened, your hunch was wrong.

Try specifying on an invite next time, that there has to be a gift above x amount. And see how many turn up.