Sh*te your co-workers say

J Mysterio

Textra_vision wrote: »

"Happy Friday" - feck off

Happy Monday

benjy1000

razorblunt wrote: »

Monkey2019 wrote: »

My manager is the worst for this. She is an expert on EVERYTHING. Cant have a simple conversation. Mention how my toddler always seems to wake super early when I have a busy day ahead...cue a lecture on child psychology and how kids in tribes have certain senses to continue the human existence....

*soul drains from body

There was a lad in my old team, bit of a know it all and a strange fella. Found out from someone at his previous company they called him "Two Shítes". If you came back from the loo saying you'd had a decent one, he'd jump saying he'd had two this morning.

Sounds Exactly like a guy I work with, we now have a saying for him “ if you **** a calf, he’d **** an elephant “

Hotblack Desiato

Textra_vision wrote: »

"Happy Friday" - feck off

Exactly. It's Thursday. Feckin' eejit :pac:

lapua20grain

There is a woman in my job that signs off all queries on email with please advice or can you revert, and cc's all and sundry on the mail. Does my fuppin head in

0gac3yjefb5sv7

lapua20grain wrote: »

There is a woman in my job that signs off all queries on email with please advice or can you revert, and cc's all and sundry on the mail. Does my fuppin head in

Can you revert is not even English

lapua20grain

Pheonix10 wrote: »

Can you revert is not even English

I know, this makes it more irritating, and the please advice is incorrect also.

0gac3yjefb5sv7

"I'd love to know your thoughts" Really...love to know thoughts on some mundane ****?

Excited for next quarter or for someone to join the team....seriously are you excited?

lapua20grain

Pheonix10 wrote: »

"I'd love to know your thoughts" Really...love to know thoughts on some mundane ****?

Excited for next quarter or for someone to join the team....seriously are you excited?

You should have a look at the state of LinkedIn on twitter, rips the piss out these inspirational people that are into all of these crappy buzzwords

Kindly do the needful.

I die a little bit more every time I hear this

lapua20grain

salonfire wrote: »

Kindly do the needful.

I die a little bit more every time I hear this

That's just gibberish, anyone that uses that deserves a slap

Squall Leonhart

There are a few people I work with who turn up late, take an extra long lunch, routinely disappear during the day, or go home early and still complain loudly and regularly about how busy they are and can't achieve anything they've so much to do.

We are due to start work at 830, two women without fail turn up at 930ish, "sorry, the kids...", and are gone at 1630, when due to leave at 1730. And often the first half hour of their day is a chat to each other about their children, so it's 10 before they see a desk.

It's private sector.

It's infuriating and disheartening. Sometimes you'd wonder why you're the fool doing a full days work!

0gac3yjefb5sv7

Is there any non bull**** office workplaces? Would be so refreshing

DeiseNew

Squall Leonhart wrote: »

There are a few people I work with who turn up late, take an extra long lunch, routinely disappear during the day, or go home early and still complain loudly and regularly about how busy they are and can't achieve anything they've so much to do.

We are due to start work at 830, two women without fail turn up at 930ish, "sorry, the kids...", and are gone at 1630, when due to leave at 1730. And often the first half hour of their day is a chat to each other about their children, so it's 10 before they see a desk.

It's private sector.

It's infuriating and disheartening. Sometimes you'd wonder why you're the fool doing a full days work!

You are the fool. Do what they do and come in late and leave early. If the boss asks you why, say "So and so do it every day, are you going to say anything to them?". Im all for equality in the workplace.

EmmetSpiceland

DeiseNew wrote: »

You are the fool. Do what they do and come in late and leave early. If the boss asks you why, say "So and so do it every day, are you going to say anything to them?". Im all for equality in the workplace.

That’s just going to end badly for you.

All managers hate “confrontation” and every office has a few staff who do **** all. They’ve always done **** all and they’ll always do **** all.

If you point that out you’ll be the one getting the “dressing down”. The other thing that’ll get you is when the useless clowns go to the manager about your phone or internet “usage” you’ll be getting it in the neck there too.

The key is to get up the ladder as quick as you can and do your best to avoid having the “dead wood” on your team.

titan18

Can you help me?

Fcuk off and learn to do the job like I had to. You've been here for years.

4Ad

Turf..
Short block of time.
Sure I'm only a fool.. (He's f##king loaded)
Kubota

optogirl

Can we take this offline? Huh?

Do we have the bandwidth? Wha?

Reach out. Oh, I was thinking of giving them a call.

Constantly being told how excited we all are about data. Oh aye. Pure thrilled.

DeiseNew

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

That’s just going to end badly for you.

All managers hate “confrontation” and every office has a few staff who do **** all. They’ve always done **** all and they’ll always do **** all.

If you point that out you’ll be the one getting the “dressing down”. The other thing that’ll get you is when the useless clowns go to the manager about your phone or internet “usage” you’ll be getting it in the neck there too.

The key is to get up the ladder as quick as you can and do your best to avoid having the “dead wood” on your team.

But if you don't want to climb up the ladder? If you just want to come in and do your job and head home to live your life? I know well that every workplace has the wasters and that's life but im certainly not one for going over and beyond when they don't have to. There are subtle but effective ways to point this out to your boss, such as when they are getting on your back about a deadline "We all work at different rates, I thought you appreciated that given how late some people can be. Im doing my best". Theres nothing they can say to that and you have effectively told them that if they turn a blind eye to other wasters then they can also turn a blind eye to you!

Hotblack Desiato

salonfire wrote: »

Kindly do the needful.

I die a little bit more every time I hear this

That's what the wife used to say to me when it was my turn to change the baby's big sh!tty nappy

Naggdefy

Three of us share an office. One girl is on a month's leave, she's sound.

I said good morning to the other girl, in a friendly manner, last week. She kinda half replied.

As she has often done didn't say a word from 8.30 to 4pm. Typing away on her PC, faux seriously busy.

She'd know I'm into sports, nephews and niece play gaelic and rugby, but I wouldn't go on about it. At 4pm she goes 'How is your day? My girls are doing well in primary school. They don't play GAA, it's the grab all association, I wouldn't give my money to that.' 'Like rugby, a lot of the kids and teens who play think they're God's gift'.

This type of sniping. Pure b*tch. I ignore her, her problem.

optogirl

A few years ago I was on my last day before maternity and showing my replacement the ropes. She was fairly humourless and hard work but I was on my last day for 6 months and had found the last few weeks hard going with giant bump so was in relatively chipper form. Colleagues were coming up to say goodbye to me at the end of the day & wish me luck etc and I was slowly packing up my stuff and chatting to people, my replacement says 'Are you actually going to leave or not?'.

Pheonix10

Pheonix10 wrote: »

Is there any non bull**** office workplaces? Would be so refreshing

i mean

the people itt really seem to struggle with the concept that they work with people, who will bytimes annoy you, like people do.

the pettiness of most of these supposed transgression is in some contrast to the fury expressed

gmisk

optogirl wrote: »

A few years ago I was on my last day before maternity and showing my replacement the ropes. She was fairly humourless and hard work but I was on my last day for 6 months and had found the last few weeks hard going with giant bump so was in relatively chipper form. Colleagues were coming up to say goodbye to me at the end of the day & wish me luck etc and I was slowly packing up my stuff and chatting to people, my replacement says 'Are you actually going to leave or not?'.

Response should be.

No I am staying you are fired.

razorblunt

razorblunt wrote: »

There was a lad in my old team, bit of a know it all and a strange fella. Found out from someone at his previous company they called him "Two Shs". If you came back from the loo saying you'd had a decent one, he'd jump saying he'd had two this morning.

Cannot stand those trying to one-up everything that the rest of the office does or says.

"Oh yeah, well last year we went to ELEVENerife"

*cocks shotgun*

Princess Calla

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Cannot stand those trying to one-up everything that the rest of the office does or says.

"Oh yeah, well last year we went to ELEVENerife"

*cocks shotgun*

Did you post that before? Definitely saw it on this site and I've been racking the brains....the post you replied to reminded me of it. Knew it was a play on eleven, but I kept coming up with elephants... Which I knew was wrong..... Cheers

Princess Calla

optogirl wrote: »

A few years ago I was on my last day before maternity and showing my replacement the ropes. She was fairly humourless and hard work but I was on my last day for 6 months and had found the last few weeks hard going with giant bump so was in relatively chipper form. Colleagues were coming up to say goodbye to me at the end of the day & wish me luck etc and I was slowly packing up my stuff and chatting to people, my replacement says 'Are you actually going to leave or not?'.

Oh my god what a weapon.... At least you knew she wouldn't replace you....who would work with that given the choice?

optogirl

Princess Calla wrote: »

Oh my god what a weapon.... At least you knew she wouldn't replace you....who would work with that given the choice?

I was welcomed back with open arms and whenever her name is mentioned now there's an audible groan from many of my team. A pain in the swiss by all accounts.

wally1990

optogirl wrote: »

I was welcomed back with open arms and whenever her name is mentioned now there's an audible groan from many of my team. A pain in the swiss by all accounts.

What Is up with these miserable people...

I know a woman like this in our accounts dept
She would suck the life out of you
Everything is negative
She is so blunt and has zero personality
I genuinely wonder is she like that outside of work or does she have any Interests or hobbies.

I get there are people who aren't extroverted or maybe chatty but some people wouldn't even look at ya or are just as blunt and a downer to even speak with..

Cheer up, you've only 1 life

Unusually personalities

heldel00

New person started. Fairly small staff. I work next door. Haven't had time to catch my breath for the past two weeks but popped my head in during the week just to say "how are ya getting on? Only next door if you need anything...blah blah blah"
Thanked me but they didn't even lift their eyes from computer screen. There I stood like a gom while they tappy tap tapped away on the keyboard. Manners cost nothing.

heldel00

New person started. Fairly small staff. I work next door. Haven't had time to catch my breath for the past two weeks but popped my head in during the week just to say "how are ya getting on? Only next door if you need anything...blah blah blah"
Thanked me but they didn't even lift their eyes from computer screen. There I stood like a gom while they tappy tap tapped away on the keyboard. Manners cost nothing.

Monkey2019

Colleague keeps showing us pictures of his 16 year old daughter and her friends in their bikinis. It's so creepy.

Lollipops23

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Laughs LOUDLY at her own jokes. Endlessly. Nobody else is laughing.

Tried to get me to look at her infected earlobe yesterday. I told her I had no interest.

Interrupts me to show me photos of her dog/garden/granny.

Asks incessantly about what she could be doing (I'm not her boss, I'm busy doing my own stuff).

I am so happy she's only maternity cover for a much more productive and pleasant coworker.

She's stressed out that she left her phone at home today.

In the fridge.

italodisco

Could be worse, we have an absolute demon of a woman on the team.
Throws looks all day, tuts haws and grunts, moans on and on about men , foreigners, everything and anything.

Dravokivich

heldel00 wrote: »

New person started. Fairly small staff. I work next door. Haven't had time to catch my breath for the past two weeks but popped my head in during the week just to say "how are ya getting on? Only next door if you need anything...blah blah blah"
Thanked me but they didn't even lift their eyes from computer screen. There I stood like a gom while they tappy tap tapped away on the keyboard. Manners cost nothing.

You interrupted them, while they were working and think they lack manners?

optogirl

Dravokivich wrote: »

You interrupted them, while they were working and think they lack manners?

Ah come on.

Dravokivich

optogirl wrote: »

Ah come on.

I don't go around expecting people to down tools for me.

partyguinness

I used to work with this old dear- spinster, lived with spinster sister both late 50's at the time (over 10 years ago now) and went to morning mass everyday. Real Holy Mary type. While I had no interaction with her work wise as a different department we did share the same building.

While she was a perfectly nice lady, she had two topics of conversation- the weather and local deaths.

She shared a large open plan room next to office with my secretary and God help it if anyone sneezed:

Lady 1: (sneezes)
Holy Mary: God Bless You
Lady 1: Thank you
Holy Mary: You're welcome.

I would overhear this 5 times a day

*eye twitching

partyguinness

Dravokivich wrote: »

I don't go around expecting people to down tools for me.

2 second eye contact is hardly downing tools- the person was hardly a steeplejack on top of a church fixing slates. He was at a computer screen.

partyguinness

optogirl wrote: »

. Colleagues were coming up to say goodbye to me at the end of the day & wish me luck etc and I was slowly packing up my stuff and chatting to people, my replacement says 'Are you actually going to leave or not?'.

I remember taking a job over from a lady years ago. During the Celtic years and the pressure got to her so she carted herself off to South America for 12 months.

To be fair she was sound but she was a little indignant when I met her 12 months later that I never called or emailed her on her files her matters being so complicated and pressurised and all:-

'I know the pressure got to you but it wasn't that hard and I can take it. I can see why you got so wound up and pissed off a few good clients. You swamped them with paperwork on a daily basis when they made it clear that they did not like it or even read it but yet you persisted.'

But there was a month between her leaving the job and flying out- she pretty much came into the office 1-2 a week for chats.

'Jesus Christ. Just go already'.

Even 12 months later she called in to see us...why...you have gone off working elsewhere. This is my turf now...eff off.

I guess that is a lesson I learnt- you are never as important as you think you are and always replaceable.

hunter164

Monkey2019 wrote: »

Colleague keeps showing us pictures of his 16 year old daughter and her friends in their bikinis. It's so creepy.

Would you?

J Mysterio

partyguinness wrote: »

I used to work with this old dear- spinster, lived with spinster sister both late 50's at the time (over 10 years ago now) and went to morning mass everyday. Real Holy Mary type. While I had no interaction with her work wise as a different department we did share the same building.

While she was a perfectly nice lady, she had two topics of conversation- the weather and local deaths.

She shared a large open plan room next to office with my secretary and God help it if anyone sneezed:

Lady 1: (sneezes)
Holy Mary: God Bless You
Lady 1: Thank you
Holy Mary: You're welcome.

I would overhear this 5 times a day

*eye twitching

I'm not religious in the least and would generally refrain saying 'bless you' because of that, but ive always felt kind of bad to say nothing. Should probably say 'gesundheit'.

But on that point, ive noticed that this is much the same everywhere. The youth today are very dissafected with religion generally. Result of this is when someone sneezes in my office, no one says anything at all, which I find quite odd. I'd like someone to say it :pac:

EmmetSpiceland

J Mysterio wrote: »

I'm not religious in the least and would generally refrain saying 'bless you' because of that, but ive always felt kind of bad to say nothing. Should probably say 'gesundheit'.

But on that point, ive noticed that this is much the same everywhere. The youth today are very dissafected with religion generally. Result of this is when someone sneezes in my office, no one says anything at all, which I find quite odd. I'd like someone to say it :pac:

Personally, I think it’s up to the “sneezer” to say “excuse me” rather than anyone “bless” them.

J Mysterio

Monkey2019 wrote: »

Colleague keeps showing us pictures of his 16 year old daughter and her friends in their bikinis. It's so creepy.

Seems inappropriate. When you say 'keeps showing us', that's more concerning still. But you keep looking, or how does it work?

The pictures would have to be of a photo set from a holday or some such, no?

J Mysterio

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Personally, I think it’s up to the “sneezer” to say “excuse me” rather than anyone “bless” them.

Sneezer: hachoo! Excuse me.
Observer: Thank you.

EmmetSpiceland

J Mysterio wrote: »

Sneezer: hachoo! Excuse me.
Observer: Thank you.

Sneezer: You’re welcome.

Deebles McBeebles

On hearing of the passing of Terry Jones.

"Who is Terry Jones?"

"You know Monty Python? He was in The Life of Brian."

"Never heard of him before. I didn't like TLOB"

"Really? I thought it was great. If you're into that sort of comedy I suppose"

"I didn't watch it all, only 10 minutes of it. It made fun of religion."

Rx713B

Guy here answers 90% of questions with ...indeed...

ILikeBoats

My boss says "with that being said" a lot.
I keep tally. 9 is the record in a 30 minute call.

Sardonicat

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

On hearing of the passing of Terry Jones.

"Who is Terry Jones?"

"You know Monty Python? He was in The Life of Brian."

"Never heard of him before. I didn't like TLOB"

"Really? I thought it was great. If you're into that sort of comedy I suppose"

"I didn't watch it all, only 10 minutes of it. It made fun of religion."

He sounds like a riot.

stoneill

Monkey2019 wrote: »

Colleague keeps showing us pictures of his 16 year old daughter and her friends in their bikinis. It's so creepy.

Are you working in Doonbeg?