Sh*te your co-workers say

optogirl

ILikeBoats wrote: »

My boss says "with that being said" a lot.
I keep tally. 9 is the record in a 30 minute call.

I've got a 'in terms of' tally going here every meeting - ridiculous volumes

Wildly Boaring

Vis-a-vis

Stevieluvsye

optogirl wrote: »

I've got a 'in terms of' tally going here every meeting - ridiculous volumes

"Going forward" is a fav where i work

Fireball81

Revert back or reply back - morons

partyguinness

"touch base"

"can you chase this up"- no go **** yourself

Everyone loves a bit of bull**** bingo.

Cordell

"we need to make sure we move this forward; let's touch base next week"
means
"I'm going to check on you in a week and you'd better get it done by then on else you lazy incompetent ahole"
and 9/19 the one saying it it's just as lazy and incompetent so f all will get done about it.

Hego Damask

I remember going to an offsite years ago for a tech company I worked for, and in fairness it was a nice hotel and we had a nice breakfast and lunch and then in the afternoon we did paintballing, but the f*cking meeting in the morning was utter hell.

Just a concoction of buzzwords, MOVING FORWARD, and TOUCHING BASE was used a lot that day - thank f*ck I didn't need to present.

One of the slides I clearly remember was this :



F*CK OFF!!!

angel eyes 2012

I've worked with a few crazies in various offices throughout the years. One 'lady' who comes to mind, used to seat opposite me and was really defensive and passive agressive about anything and everything. She was actually the junior grade in the office but the overall boss was scared of her and he couldn't handle confrontation so I knew for any easy life to ignore most of her cr#p and just be pleasant when necessary. She would slam the phone down, call customers c##nts, say she is going to get a gun and shoot someone else in a real angry manner.

She would never pass messages to you when you were out. Give out if she was not credited on a report that you prepared even though she wanted no role in it from the outset. She would have standing arguments with other women about the best method of cleaning windows, full blown arguments with the ex on the phone (he was lucky he broke free). I had zero in common with her. I could go on and on..the day I got promoted from that office was one of the happiest days of my life!

Hotblack Desiato

angel eyes 2012 wrote: »

full blown arguments with the ex on the phone (he was lucky he broke free).

Not free enough

Winning_Stroke

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

On hearing of the passing of Terry Jones.

"Who is Terry Jones?"

"You know Monty Python? He was in The Life of Brian."

"Never heard of him before. I didn't like TLOB"

"Really? I thought it was great. If you're into that sort of comedy I suppose"

"I didn't watch it all, only 10 minutes of it. It made fun of religion."

I'll admit I never heard of the guy before yesterday and still wouldn't be able to pick him out of a line-up.

The past few weeks, my superior and others at this rank have been emphasizing the importance of the "new strategy" and how it's "challenging to turn our back on the old mode and thinking" and everything is questioned as being "is it in line with the new strategy". I have no idea what the strategy is. I have no idea what the old strategy is. I think I'm better off. I nod the head and get on with my day.

Wildly Boaring

Our new strategy is "We have absolutely no money for anything"

Really strange method for building anything

gmisk

I do remember a co worker who's every second word was basically.
Very annoying.
I honestly have so many in new job, everyone refers to a PowerPoint as a "deck" no idea why, oh "hitting the ground running" and "burning platform"..bunch of tossers

Monkey2019

gmisk wrote: »

I do remember a co worker who's every second word was basically.
Very annoying.
I honestly have so many in new job, everyone refers to a PowerPoint as a "deck" no idea why, oh "hitting the ground running" and "burning platform"..bunch of tossers

I have a co worker currently who constantly says "like ya know". She could use it 3 times in a sentence. Incredibly annoying - epsecially when you find yourself saying back.

In terms of irritating things people say theres a woman who appends the phrase "You know that sort of way" to practically every sentence she says. Especially if she is explaining something. I must hear "You know that sort of way" 50-60 times a day.

doughef

[Deleted User] wrote: »

In terms of irritating things people say theres a woman who appends the phrase "You know that sort of way" to practically every sentence she says. Especially if she is explaining something. I must hear "You know that sort of way" 50-60 times a day.

People who say ‘in terms of’ ..

It’s actually an epidemic.
People say it so fu*kin much

dartboardio

'please ensure'

This idiot of a woman I work with who can barely spell her own name, thinking she was all high and mighty one day when she responded to me trying to tell me what to do.

'please ensure you check all systems next time'

Overheard her saying 'I love saying please ensure to people'

She would often correct me on things that were actually her mistake :V

lapua20grain

I work with a bloke that shoehorns the word fundamentally in to every sentence even out of context. Does nothing but make him look like a tit

Sober Crappy Chemis

lapua20grain wrote: »

I work with a bloke that shoehorns the word fundamentally.........

In this thread, that is the definition of irony.

Panthro

When someone comes up with a new saying and it catches on within hours.
The other morning I heard a manager say "banging the drums" in reference to a project that was progressing and was getting attention.

That day.. That day I heard the term spouted 3 more times by 3 different people referring to their individual projects.

Jaysus.

mr.anonymous

gmisk wrote: »

I do remember a co worker who's every second word was basically.
Very annoying.
I honestly have so many in new job, everyone refers to a PowerPoint as a "deck" no idea why, oh "hitting the ground running" and "burning platform"..bunch of tossers

I had to Google burning platform:
"In business, burning platform is a term used to describe the process of helping people see the dire consequences of not changing."

In business... as if it's a technical enough field to need its own terminology

Sober Crappy Chemis

The learning curve is steep for me on this thread....

I’m basing this on ‘turn-based movements’ and ‘permanent death’ scenarios.. ....

vixdname

We have a guy in my office who loves to use his 'corporate speak'.

We were in a meeting before xnas and he said 'I'll put that into the Ideas Fridge, and I'll snack on it later'.

Everyone in the room looked at him to see if he was joking, but nope he was serious.

gmisk

vixdname wrote: »

We have a guy in my office who loves to use his 'corporate speak'.

We were in a meeting before xnas and he said 'I'll put that into the Ideas Fridge, and I'll snack on it later'.

Everyone in the room looked at him to see if he was joking, but nope he was serious.

Ok that is a new low...how about he sticks his head in the blender of tossers!

2ygb4cmqetsjhx

Synergy is the new in-word in our office.

Sabella

“Do you get me?”, yes for the 70th time today I get ye

beerguts

Sabella wrote: »

“Do you get me?”, yes for the 70th time today I get ye

By any chance is this person from Mayo. It seems to be some sort of nervous tick with anybody from there saying this line.

Sgt Hartman

beerguts wrote: »

By any chance is this person from Mayo. It seems to be some sort of nervous tick with anybody from there saying this line.

Or is this person possibly from Wicklow? And does this person also always say "you know that kind of way like" ?

Panthro

vixdname wrote: »

We have a guy in my office who loves to use his 'corporate speak'.

We were in a meeting before xnas and he said 'I'll put that into the Ideas Fridge, and I'll snack on it later'.

Everyone in the room looked at him to see if he was joking, but nope he was serious.

So help me god but I'll find a conversion to use that in tomorrow!

Winning_Stroke

vixdname wrote: »

We have a guy in my office who loves to use his 'corporate speak'.

We were in a meeting before xnas and he said 'I'll put that into the Ideas Fridge, and I'll snack on it later'.

Everyone in the room looked at him to see if he was joking, but nope he was serious.

Hey V, I had a nibble on that proposal last weekend in a bit of mischievous midnight snackage. Seriously dude my RDA for solutions-orientated, agile vantage-point goodness must have been totally exceeded! My dreamscape for the night was a veritable Davos soiree of the best thought-lines known to man.

I woke up and after my mindfulness I went full in on total carbo-loading from the idea chill-box. I smashed through two absolute decks in 20 minutes, like some sort of Chuck Yeager and Elon Musk hybrid blowing apart the sound-barrier of c-level mediocrity. I was on a roll, immediately went and presented them to the boys at KMPG and they were just Hiroshima-ed by it. Long story short, I drove home in new C-Class

FluffyTowel

Panthro wrote: »

So help me god but I'll find a conversion to use that in tomorrow!

Yes! It's brilliant. I'm going to use it next week!

I may even circle back to it.

"Now, lemme just circle back to the Ideas Fridge for a moment."

Promotion here I come.

Sabella

Sgt Hartman wrote: »

Or is this person possibly from Wicklow? And does this person also always say "you know that kind of way like" ?

Haha no but I see I’m not the only one

MrAbyss

I left one job because all them talked non stop about British soccer. All the 'us, we and them' going on about some corporation in Britain they follow on the TV.

They could literally talk about nothing else. It was also an eye opening experience in that I got to see how for so many Irish people British soccer is like a form of Prosac or Xannax. They are medicated by it once a week so they can continue to find a reason to live. It was very interesting to observe for about six months and then I had to leave. One guy from Limerick who was a Liverpool fan singing 'Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner, that I love Man Uuuuu' without a hint of irony and in a cockney accent taking the piss out of the Irish Man U fans. Quite incredible really.

Sober Crappy Chemis

Just raided the ‘Ideas Fridge’ for a snack....

Seems like I have a dirty mind.

Be right back

vixdname wrote: »

We have a guy in my office who loves to use his 'corporate speak'.

We were in a meeting before xnas and he said 'I'll put that into the Ideas Fridge, and I'll snack on it later'.

Everyone in the room looked at him to see if he was joking, but nope he was serious.

Think he won the thread for you. How did he say that with a straight face?

Fanny Wank

One lad in our place says "long story short" countless times an hour

"Robust" is the buzz phrase at the minute.

- we need a robust process
- we had a robust conversation

Can't post the worst one I heard as it'd identify me and my company, the whole place was laughing at the tosser who said it

The usual rubbish comes up all the time too, going forward, touch base, reach out, boil the ocean, circle back etc etc

aoh

Not exactly a co-worker but used to work in a dept where you answered your neighbours phone if it rang. A "mate" of my neighbour phoned every day at lunch time. Yer man was never around and the mate would just bark his name. I tried being polite and said Pardon and would get the name barked at me again. Never any hello, no please, just the name. I always put the call on hold and yelled for yer man (who was never far away). Until one day, I'd had enough. Got barked at twice, so dropped the handset on the desk from a height so the mate got an earful, then picked it up and yelled yer mans name into it. Yer man heard and came to talk to his mate but the mate never called at lunchtime again.

Sabella

Not an annoying things people say but a girl I used to work with used to eat an apple like a donkey eating a carrot, the noise of it was horrific, I’m normally very easy going and things like that wouldn’t get to me but I used to have to take a walk until it was over, first world problems I know

TimeToShine

UK and US based, this year has been particularly bad for corporate speak. From "low hanging fruit" and "quick win" to "strategic outlook" and "fundamentally speaking", the industry really seems to be going all out.

The one that really drives me up the wall, questioning anything and everything with "does it add value?".

The Tetrarch

"What day is today?"
"Tuesday ......... punchline ---> "all day"

patob

MrAbyss wrote: »

I left one job because all them talked non stop about British soccer. All the 'us, we and them' going on about some corporation in Britain they follow on the TV.

They could literally talk about nothing else. It was also an eye opening experience in that I got to see how for so many Irish people British soccer is like a form of Prosac or Xannax. They are medicated by it once a week so they can continue to find a reason to live. It was very interesting to observe for about six months and then I had to leave. One guy from Limerick who was a Liverpool fan singing 'Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner, that I love Man Uuuuu' without a hint of irony and in a cockney accent taking the piss out of the Irish Man U fans. Quite incredible really.

Welcome to 99% of workplaces in Ireland unfortunately, rabid Premiership mania going on for years. No interest in supporting local clubs of course or anything beyond old Blighty.

milehip

patob wrote: »

Welcome to 99% of workplaces in Ireland unfortunately, rabid Premiership mania going on for years. No interest in supporting local clubs of course or anything beyond old Blighty.

Either that or their fantasy team,lost count of the times I heard "I've him in my Fantasy football team" like I give one red fu*k

Also grown men excited about the latest metal gear -world of ****ecraft etc etc release Jesus wept!

Wanderer2010

patob wrote: »

Welcome to 99% of workplaces in Ireland unfortunately, rabid Premiership mania going on for years. No interest in supporting local clubs of course or anything beyond old Blighty.

What makes me laugh are these guys in their 30s or 40s who are staunch Celtic supporters and heartily engage in anti-British slogans and roar out old RA songs in the pub every week...then fight to get centre stage watching British teams like Liverpool play soccer every week, often debating passionately about how much they love their team, unaware of the irony..

ILoveYourVibes

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

What makes me laugh are these guys in their 30s or 40s who are staunch Celtic supporters and heartily engage in anti-British slogans and roar out old RA songs in the pub every week...then fight to get centre stage watching British teams like Liverpool play soccer every week, often debating passionately about how much they love their team, unaware of the irony..

I know they hate the GAA love Man UTD (or other football teams are there other football teams?) but up the RA (half ironically). :rolleyes:

Arghus

Haven't met too many staunch Celtic fans who are also staunch Liverpool or United fans.

milehip

Arghus wrote: »

Haven't met too many staunch Celtic fans who are also staunch Liverpool or United fans.

And that's a bad thing because??


Trust us they're out there, you've just been lucky up to now.

Wanderer2010

Arghus wrote: »

Haven't met too many staunch Celtic fans who are also staunch Liverpool or United fans.

They do exist, trust me. I know of 3 of them in my workplace.

and on the opposite end, women who natter on about ****e in Corrie/Eastenders/Love Island or some crap reality show

“Word of the month” where I work is “Conflate”. Apparently, we all conflate too much

Had to look it up...

lapua20grain

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

They do exist, trust me. I know of 3 of them in my workplace.

I worked with 2 lads that had a row about Liverpools best player nearly came to blows, both fans of Liverpool, clowns

Oranage2

lapua20grain wrote: »

I worked with 2 lads that had a row about Liverpools best player nearly came to blows, both fans of Liverpool, clowns

Yep, Liverpool fans are by far the worst fans in the work place.