Sh*te your co-workers say

Stevieluvsye

facehugger99 wrote: »

I work with a guy called William, who insists on being called Willie.

I feel weird using the word 'willie' multiple times a day and have to really concentrate on not letting my eyes drift down to his crotch when using his name.

I mean what's wrong with using 'William'? - it's a perfectly good name without any of the 'word for cock' connotations.

I feel the same about any Richards who want to be Dicks - I basically point blank refuse to engage with that nonsense.

Ye i hear ye. Bit pedantic

I get called everything from Ste, Stevie, Stevo, Steph, Pr!ck face (Mrs) and i couldn't care less

facehugger99

Rufeo wrote: »

You sound obsessed with cock.

I'm 8hrs a day sitting opposite a 6ft willie FFS!

05eaftqbrs9jlh

facehugger99 wrote: »

I'm 8hrs a day sitting opposite a 6ft willie FFS!

BJ is another one. I can't say with without internally skitting.

seagull wrote: »

The heating bill would be nothing compared to the penalties when H&S come calling

A quarter of staff were out sick last week, so chickens, roost etc

the purple tin

I had a snotty boss who once told me 'it's not rocket surgery', when I was having trouble grasping something new.

optogirl

It's sitting upstream

It's 'in train'

The extant work


All ways of saying I'm doing sweet FA

"Everyone's signed off on this" = nobody told me not to do it

seagull

Deleted User wrote: »

"Everyone's signed off on this" = nobody told me not to do it

Alternatively, nobody in authority could be bothered to read the request, and signed off on something they really shouldn't have.

optogirl

seagull wrote: »

Alternatively, nobody in authority could be bothered to read the request, and signed off on something they really shouldn't have.

we're all aligned

Lonesomerhodes

I have a colleague who says

"I'm not being funny with ya but.............................


He must say it to me 10 times a day.

Sound out lad but my God does he say this alot!

Wanderer2010

Lonesomerhodes wrote: »

I have a colleague who says

"I'm not being funny with ya but.............................


He must say it to me 10 times a day.

Sound out lad but my God does he say this alot!

Yeah I work with someone like this. Anytime someone says something he disagrees with, he throws in "Now im not being funny but..." or "Look im not being funny but". Its a slightly bullying way to try and bend someone else to his will or opinion, which of course is the only opinion that is valid, in his head.

Irony is, he is the least funny person I have ever met.

optogirl

Lonesomerhodes wrote: »

I have a colleague who says

"I'm not being funny with ya but.............................


He must say it to me 10 times a day.

Sound out lad but my God does he say this alot!

I also work with a lad who says this A LOT. I always reply with 'No, you're not being funny at all'

dancingqueen

OH LOOK! It's 5 o'clock and not a child in the house washed.

Every. Single. Day.

Deebles McBeebles

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Its not something that is said but....smileys in work emails. No, no, no.

Both here aand in the last place I worked we used the inadequately named Skype for Business. It has emojis turned on by default with no way of turning them off. Sometimes I work with log file snippets, and if a colon or semi-colon is in an unfortunate position, Skype for 'business' translates it automatically into its emoji, so instead of:

Sat 12:13:48.33 Protocol :(Some boring protocol error )

You might get

Sat 12:13:48.33 Protocol : Some boring protocol error )

And sometimes its an emoji you aren't familiar with and have to go and find what makes that emoji, because the charachters might be relevant to the log.

In a business setting it looks so unprofessional, and is a real pain in the a$$.


A few of us went for a drink on a friday night a few weeks ago. Just 2 or 3 quiet drinks, nothing mad. Young guy in the office, I always assumed he was 21 because he acts 21, or even younger. Turns out he's 26, says he can't go because his parents don't allow him drink. Fair enough, but it doesn't end there, he goes on to explain why, because he used to get hammered in college and have blackouts, and did stupid stuff.

Come 5pm, he announces he is coming but he'll just have one, and what would be something he could have that they wont smell off him, opts for a budweiser, and starts telling us about his cousin who is going through a psychotic episode, including things he's said and stuff. Around an hour later, everyone is finishing their second and debating a final one, yer man is finishing his 4th. "Oh I figured, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb".

26. Acts more like 16.

Bullocks

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Both here aand in the last place I worked we used the inadequately named Skype for Business. It has emojis turned on by default with no way of turning them off. Sometimes I work with log file snippets, and if a colon or semi-colon is in an unfortunate position, Skype for 'business' translates it automatically into its emoji, so instead of:

Sat 12:13:48.33 Protocol :(Some boring protocol error )

You might get

Sat 12:13:48.33 Protocol : Some boring protocol error )

And sometimes its an emoji you aren't familiar with and have to go and find what makes that emoji, because the charachters might be relevant to the log.

In a business setting it looks so unprofessional, and is a real pain in the a$$.


A few of us went for a drink on a friday night a few weeks ago. Just 2 or 3 quiet drinks, nothing mad. Young guy in the office, I always assumed he was 21 because he acts 21, or even younger. Turns out he's 26, says he can't go because his parents don't allow him drink. Fair enough, but it doesn't end there, he goes on to explain why, because he used to get hammered in college and have blackouts, and did stupid stuff.

Come 5pm, he announces he is coming but he'll just have one, and what would be something he could have that they wont smell off him, opts for a budweiser, and starts telling us about his cousin who is going through a psychotic episode, including things he's said and stuff. Around an hour later, everyone is finishing their second and debating a final one, yer man is finishing his 4th. "Oh I figured, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb".

26. Acts more like 16.

What stands out most to me there is how mad was he to think they wouldn't smell Budweiser off him?

I’m afraid that I think Skype for Business should be called Shyte for Business

Bullocks

Bullocks wrote: »

What stands out most to me there is how mad was he to think they wouldn't smell Budweiser off him?

I imagined the conversation when he got home was straight out of Fr Ted:

Him: "Im 26! But you still treat me like I was 22!"
His ma: "I'll start treating you like you are 26, when you start acting like you are 26. Now go upstairs and have your bath"
Him: "A bath! Ah no! This is so unfair!"

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

I’m afraid that I think Skype for Business should be called Shyte for Business

Or just Shyte.

nthclare

Tipping away there, are ye lads

Titclamp

Feisar wrote: »

I've met one or two lads like that in my time. Some eye contact and "I don't fancy your chances however if you want to give it a go..." Has settled it.

One lad threatened to put me out the window, it was in a stacked porta cabin on a building site temp office. I locked the door and said, window's the only option now. Soon softened his attitude.

Haha brilliant.

Titclamp

Mutilated corpse.

Vita nova

When I heard "working hard or hardly working?" I thought it was clever word play but hearing it for the fiftieth time makes me want to kill my colleagues.

anewme

We have someone who stops by the bosses door every time they are going home at 5pm and says "I'm going now on a half day" as if he's always in the place.

05eaftqbrs9jlh

[Deleted User] wrote: »

"Everyone's signed off on this" = nobody told me not to do it

I operate a policy in work of "It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission".

We have rules about the most trivial things (even moreso now with "GDPR") and don't have policy on extremely important things.

anewme

Giana Rich Condo wrote: »

I operate a policy in work of "It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission".

We have rules about the most trivial things (even moreso now with "GDPR") and don't have policy on extremely important things.

They are on a mission in my office to eliminate the forgiveness type people. Policies being created left right and centre to outfox them.

It's like watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

the purple tin

Every morning- happy monday, happy tuesday etc F*ck off!

Seamai

We have one who says " another day, another dime" no matter how many times we tell her it's "dollar" she wont change.

L1011

Bullocks wrote: »

What stands out most to me there is how mad was he to think they wouldn't smell Budweiser off him?

Because its so close to water anyway?

1800_Ladladlad

the purple tin wrote: »

Every morning- happy monday, happy tuesday etc F*ck off!

These types should be forced to drink bleach

AllForIt

the purple tin wrote: »

Every morning- happy monday, happy tuesday etc F*ck off!

Like they know you're more than likely to be utterly depressed working for them.

TaurenDruid

anewme wrote: »

They are on a mission in my office to eliminate the forgiveness type people. Policies being created left right and centre to outfox them.

It's like watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

They'll likely fail?

Our office introduced a policy that says you can't work without supervision - your manager must be present.

Lovely policy in some young graduate's head.

Then you point out that HR's new policy effectively means nobody can start work until the CEO is in their office.

"Ah, now, we didn't mean it to be taken so literally." "Then why did you literally write it that way." "Er..." "Shall we just ignore it, then, and go on as we were?"

Which unfortunately means the few good bits in the new policy get ignored, as well as the many dumb bits.

anewme

TaurenDruid wrote: »

They'll likely fail?

Our office introduced a policy that says you can't work without supervision - your manager must be present.

Lovely policy in some young graduate's head.

Then you point out that HR's new policy effectively means nobody can start work until the CEO is in their office.

"Ah, now, we didn't mean it to be taken so literally." "Then why did you literally write it that way." "Er..." "Shall we just ignore it, then, and go on as we were?"

Which unfortunately means the few good bits in the new policy get ignored, as well as the many dumb bits.

We got one policy that was 650 pages. No one knows what's in it as they've refused to read it.

TaurenDruid

anewme wrote: »

We got one policy that was 650 pages. No one knows what's in it as they've refused to read it.

Jaysus! And nobody's copped on that producing that ****e is completely pointless and even counter-productive?

Titclamp

Edible underwear tastes like ****e

cycling is fun

Blueshoe wrote: »

Eastern European co worker tells me regularly how his country is better than Ireland.
This is better, that is better.

Yet you are here . Why don't you gather up more of your countrymen and **** back to Poland

was not going to comment on this thread but I have the same issue where I work where I work they all think they are better than us, had a disagreement with one of the polish people I work with as she seemed to think that everything that comes out of her mouth is fact even when its not she is a narcissistic as well and has to be centre of attention she belittles a fellow worker who left her husband, yet she is having an affair with a fellow polish co worker

Titclamp

cycling is fun wrote: »

was not going to comment on this thread but I have the same issue where I work where I work they all think they are better than us, had a disagreement with one of the polish people I work with as she seemed to think that everything that comes out of her mouth is fact even when its not she is a narcissistic as well and has to be centre of attention she belittles a fellow worker who left her husband, yet she is having an affair with a fellow polish co worker

**** yeah I've worked in factory's and heard the same ****e and felt the same.

Don't get it. If its so go why come here?

I've been to Poland and its a backwards dystopia

They must miss eating boiled pike.

Seamai

Titclamp wrote: »

**** yeah I've worked in factory's and heard the same ****e and felt the same.

Don't get it. If its so go why come here?

I've been to Poland and its a backwards dystopia

They must miss eating boiled pike.

It is pretty grim alright, I've had several Polish colleagues who've all spoke about the desire to move back but never have. There's only one who admits to having a much better life here than she would in Poland.

Titclamp

Can't imagine any Irish who move abroad and be constant saying the natives its way better back home would be tolerated the same as who say similar here.

We are a soft touch

"I think now is a good time to stop for a bio break"

Bio break, Christ almighty.

Collie D

salonfire wrote: »

"I think now is a good time to stop for a bio break"

Bio break, Christ almighty.

I’ll need this one explained to me. Are they going for a ****e?

Seamai

Collie D wrote: »

I’ll need this one explained to me. Are they going for a ****e?

That's what I understood from it, a new one on me.

Conall Cernach

Co-worker: You're a vegetarian, aren't you?
Me: Yeah.
Co-worker: Do you eat fish?
Me: No.
Co-worker: I thought vegetarians only avoided meat.
Me: Animals are made of meat.
Co-worker: Fish aren't animals.
Me: ....

pinkyeye

Conall Cernach wrote: »

Co-worker: You're a vegetarian, aren't you?
Me: Yeah.
Co-worker: Do you eat fish?
Me: No.
Co-worker: I thought vegetarians only avoided meat.
Me: Animals are made of meat.
Co-worker: Fish aren't animals.
Me: ....

Tbf there are a lot of vegetarians who eat fish?

"Hi , hi ,hi" to everyone each time they sit down, "bye, bye, see you later" each time they leave their seat, including bathroom breaks

Chorcai

Asked about doing a 4 day working week, to which the nob-end-work-colleague turns around and says... "I like my evenings".... utter tool... evenings Vs Full day off.... this twat also takes glee in saying its his "democratic right not to vote" but will complain to the end of the day about the XYZ political party.

Realt Dearg Sec

pinkyeye wrote: »

Tbf there are a lot of vegetarians who eat fish?

There are zero vegetarians who eat fish.

con___manx1

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

There are zero vegetarians who eat fish.

A vegetarian who eats fish is called a pescatarian.

Hotblack Desiato

TaurenDruid wrote: »

They'll likely fail?

Our office introduced a policy that says you can't work without supervision - your manager must be present.

Lovely policy in some young graduate's head.

Then you point out that HR's new policy effectively means nobody can start work until the CEO is in their office.

"Ah, now, we didn't mean it to be taken so literally." "Then why did you literally write it that way." "Er..." "Shall we just ignore it, then, and go on as we were?"

Which unfortunately means the few good bits in the new policy get ignored, as well as the many dumb bits.

There's no cure for stupid, so expect more from them in future I'm afraid.

Leg End Reject

A lot of work is now based on sh1te.

Meetings, meetings about meetings, reviews and updates of meetings, policies, reviews of policies, updates of policies, amendments to policies, steering groups, team bonding exercises, performance reviews and appraisals.

A lot more work was actually done before this nonsense started. I'm doing the same that I've always done regardless of updates/reviews/buzzwords and the wheels haven't come off the cart yet.

Nod and smile whilst pretending to listen and care is the best tactic. We're all just numbers on payroll at the end of the day, and the vast majority of us are easily replaceable and forgotten.

Realt Dearg Sec

con___manx1 wrote: »

A vegetarian who eats fish is called a pescatarian.

They are called a pescatarian but they're not called a vegetarian.

seagull

Someone who eats fish and claims to be a vegetarian has demonstrated two things
1. They are an arsehole
2. They are an idiot.