Sh*te your co-workers say

machiavellianme

lapua20grain wrote: »

Living the dream, 1 bloke I work with that's his tag line

Do I work with you?
I saw it on a bottle of Black's of Kinsale IPA and thought, how apt!

Nikki Sixx

Giveaway wrote: »

"TIME for tea" every 15 mins and "we did a great days work today". Both in the same job in uk. Same job in ireland would do 3 times the work with half the staff, but a much nicer work environment in Ireland

The Irish work environment is far from a picnic, if you read through the posts here.

Nikki Sixx

Fake people who will be nice to you at work when the cameras are rolling and who couldn’t give a fiddlers about you when the right people aren’t looking on. The person I refer to was a psychotic biatch when she was single, she was bitter and hypersensitive. Now she is married, (probably the only guy who hung around) and has put on the facade of niceness. But I know the real woman behind this thin veneer.

somefeen

Thank **** I've never had to work in an office

Panthro

"Any plans for the weekend?"
You don't care about my weekend, I don't care about you weekend.
Let's just leave it at that.

Monday rolls around.
"what did you get up to at the weekend?"

Oh sweet baby jesus, not this shyt again.

Nigel Fairservice

Am I the only one that actively avoids the work canteen? There's some fairly toxic characters in ours.

Nikki Sixx

Panthro wrote: »

"Any plans for the weekend?"
You don't care about my weekend, I don't care about you weekend.
Let's just leave it at that.

Monday rolls around.
"what did you get up to at the weekend?"

Oh sweet baby jesus, not this shyt again.

Tell them you did a “park run,” that’s meant to be the height of sophistication these days.

Hotblack Desiato

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

Used work with an auld boy from up by the border

Anyone he met

Morning. Howaya?

Our hero "Worse"

Very funny twice

Doesn't he know the mandatory answer to that question is always "Grand."

Doesn't matter if you have depression, cancer or a recent amputation, the answer is still "Grand."

Nikki Sixx wrote: »

“6 o’ clock is not early.” This gob****e I work with loves/ used to love throwing that one out, just to highlight how great he is for getting up at that time. He also fell over himself a few times trying to tell the boss what time he arrived at work at (he comes in way earlier than the boss and other coworkers).

I fcukin' hate early risers. Sanctimonious bunch looking down their noses at normal people making out that we're all lazy, well you get to feck off home at 4 or 4:30 and I'm still in there at 7pm (or sometimes later, unpaid) but you're not around to see that, you lazy (just at a different time of day) fecker.

Hotblack Desiato

somefeen wrote: »

Thank **** I've never had to work in an office

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5i1cJIwE7M

Hotblack Desiato

Nigel Fairservice wrote: »

Am I the only one that actively avoids the work canteen? There's some fairly toxic characters in ours.

We work in IT, the unwritten rule is never go down to the canteen otherwise someone will ask you to fix their next door neighbour's cousin's friend's PC :rolleyes:

Heckler

At a management meeting and hearing an utterly incompetent supervisor answer a question with "we'll address that offline". i started laughing till i realised he was serious and noone else was laughing. What an absolute tit of a phrase. Basically means "I have no idea". I found myself saying "going forward" last week and punched myself in the balls for it.

YFlyer

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Referring to a photo of a car...

Can you Photoshop it another color ?

Me : Yeah sure.

Can you Photoshop a country background?

Me : Yeah sure

Can you put a dog in it?

Me : oookay ....Will i get rid of the reflection of the photographer in the windshield and the bounce card?

Oh I hadn't noticed that.

Read the title.

gypsy79

Someone in my job yesterday was trying to impress people and said

Lets socialise this information instead of send an email

I nearly wet myself

kippy

Heckler wrote: »

At a management meeting and hearing an utterly incompetent supervisor answer a question with "we'll address that offline". i started laughing till i realised he was serious and noone else was laughing. What an absolute tit of a phrase. Basically means "I have no idea". I found myself saying "going forward" last week and punched myself in the balls for it.

To be fair, that phrase is often used to stop a meeting being derailed by an completely off topic and/or irrelevant point/question. Also, there's nothing wrong with not having an idea.....

somefeen

kippy wrote: »

To be fair, that phrase is often used to stop a meeting being derailed by an completely off topic and/or irrelevant point/question. Also, there's nothing wrong with not having an idea.....

But...if they were talking to each other in the same room they were already offline.

Wanderer2010

Ive noticed in my job a lot of these buzzwords from management are just an excuse to deal with poor performers too. I was recently thrown under a bus by a workmate who said he had edited a document we both worked on but in fact he only did 1 out of 10 pages and I was the one who was pressed to finish it on time. I was really annoyed and I told my boss about it and all I got was "Going forward, im going to tell him to email you every edit he has made, that way you are both in the loop"...

Instead of just having the balls to have an adult conversation with that worker about how unacceptable it was to lie..going forward. Wow.

Heckler

kippy wrote: »

To be fair, that phrase is often used to stop a meeting being derailed by an completely off topic and/or irrelevant point/question. Also, there's nothing wrong with not having an idea.....

Maybeso. In my workplace its used by incompetent supervisors and production managers who have no good answer to a specific question. Its a buy time answer. Which I rarely get. An hour meeting with the people who actually do the work would shame these useless idiots caught up in their own self importance.

Nikki Sixx

One girl who sniggers behind people’s backs and clearly talks behind people’s backs, will be as nice a pie to your face. She’ll talk as if she is genuinely concerned about whatever teenager is missing etc., in a very wholesome kind of way. Rotten to the core behind this facade.

BandMember

Nikki Sixx wrote: »

One girl who sniggers behind people’s backs and clearly talks behind people’s backs, will be as nice a pie to your face. She’ll talk as if she is genuinely concerned about whatever teenager is missing etc., in a very wholesome kind of way. Rotten to the core behind this facade.

There's always at least one person like this in every workplace. Those constantly smiling and always falling over themselves to be nice to you people? Don't trust them for a second!

amadangomor

BandMember wrote: »

There's always at least one person like this in every workplace. Those constantly smiling and always falling over themselves to be nice to you people? Don't trust them for a second!

Used to go for lunch with one colleague and he would often talk behind peoples backs and back in the office would be sickly sweet nice to them.

Had enough when he spent half an hour ripping someone apart one lunchtime and then was chatting with them nice as pie in the office. He got miffed when I stopped going for lunch with him and probably bitches about me now. :rolleyes:

Think he has some serious psychological issues. Very fake but needs to be popular.

Nikki Sixx

amadangomor wrote: »

Used to go for lunch with one colleague and he would often talk behind peoples backs and back in the office would be sickly sweet nice to them.

Had enough when he spent half an hour ripping someone apart one lunchtime and then was chatting with them nice as pie in the office. He got miffed when I stopped going for lunch with him and probably bitches about me now. :rolleyes:

Think he has some serious psychological issues. Very fake but needs to be popular.

I find it’s the one who are referred to as “lovely girls” by older naive colleagues are the ones to look out for.

suicide_circus

Up Donegal wrote: »

Some time ago, a co-worker said that (name) went 'off in a transit' instead of 'off on a tangent'.

Cretinous co workers continuously abusing the queens's english

"for all intense and purposes"

"on tender hooks"

"escape goat"

"Irregardless"

"revert back to"

TaurenDruid

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

We work in IT, the unwritten rule is never go down to the canteen otherwise someone will ask you to fix their next door neighbour's cousin's friend's PC :rolleyes:

Or "I can see you're having your lunch, but I'm having this problem with my computer..."

You can see I'm having my lunch and yet you're still going to interrupt it for some minor tech issue? **** off!

Strumms

BandMember wrote: »

There's always at least one person like this in every workplace. Those constantly smiling and always falling over themselves to be nice to you people? Don't trust them for a second!

Yep, know the sort, head wide fake smile, bringing back cake for everyone from the shops, offering to cover the odd shift and being ‘helpful’ but absolutely leaving the knife in multiple backs in quiet one to ones with managers and supervisors and really only putting in suitable effort when that effort might get them the odd headline.

Up Donegal

Strumms wrote: »

Yep, know the sort, head wide fake smile, bringing back cake for everyone from the shops, offering to cover the odd shift and being ‘helpful’ but absolutely leaving the knife in multiple backs in quiet one to ones with managers and supervisors and really only putting in suitable effort when that effort might get them the odd headline.

People like that love cutlery - some were born with a silver spoon, talk with a forked tongue and knife everyone else in the back.

branie2

Asking the boss questions when he's trying to tell you something

DeanAustin

On a related note, there are an awful lot of narcissistic clowns on LinkedIn. Posting pictures of themselves and their “achievements” for likes dressed up as some sort of fight against adversity or to “thank all the people who helped them”.

Id love everybody to respond saying well done to “those who helped” rather than the attention seeker posting that nonsense.

That said, LinkedIn is used a lot by brown-nosers and office politicians to do little more than to be seen to like the right things or say “we’ll done” to the right people.

TaurenDruid

DeanAustin wrote: »

That said, LinkedIn is used a lot by brown-nosers and office politicians to do little more than to be seen to like the right things or say “we’ll done” to the right people.

Is it? My email went awful quiet after GDPR came in, so LinkedIn is a useful check that my email service is still up - at least one mail a day via LinkedIn from someone I've never met or heard of

Sonny noggs

suicide_circus wrote: »

Cretinous co workers continuously abusing the queens's english

"for all intense and purposes"

"on tender hooks"

"escape goat"

"Irregardless"

"revert back to"

This is turning into a damn squid.

pinkyeye

I genuinely don't mind small talk about the weather or whatever, sometimes it's just to fill a silence and you can just ignore it.

One colleague does drive me mad though. She constantly whispers, even when it's not confidential and I've told her 100 times at least I'm hard of hearing and can't hear and she continually does it so I just have to avoid like the plague.

Why do some people whisper all the time???? :mad::mad::mad:

heldel00

pinkyeye wrote: »

I genuinely don't mind small talk about the weather or whatever, sometimes it's just to fill a silence and you can just ignore it.

One colleague does drive me mad though. She constantly whispers, even when it's not confidential and I've told her 100 times at least I'm hard of hearing and can't hear and she continually does it so I just have to avoid like the plague.

Why do some people whisper all the time???? :mad::mad::mad:

My boss does this and it's so embarrassing because i have to say "i actually can't hear you"!
On a more important note, it has brought an uncomfortable atmosphere to what was once a very contented workplace. It has also started to trickle down to the rest of staff and there's always a few standing whispering because if the boss is doing it then we should all be doing it.

pinkyeye

heldel00 wrote: »

My boss does this and it's so embarrassing because i have to say "i actually can't hear you"!
On a more important note, it has brought an uncomfortable atmosphere to what was once a very contented workplace. It has also started to trickle down to the rest of staff and there's always a few standing whispering because if the boss is doing it then we should all be doing it.

THANK GOD someone gets me!!! It really is uncomfortable, I actually have to work out ways to pass this lady by through different routes to the loo because it's so embarrassing when someone rattles on and you can't hear them.

Nikki Sixx

“I hope it stays fine for him/her” (I hope all his/her family die screaming, because they are doing so well at the moment)

kippy

heldel00 wrote: »

My boss does this and it's so embarrassing because i have to say "i actually can't hear you"!
On a more important note, it has brought an uncomfortable atmosphere to what was once a very contented workplace. It has also started to trickle down to the rest of staff and there's always a few standing whispering because if the boss is doing it then we should all be doing it.

Why do some people whisper? While I know its not a great thing to be at, after reading this thread I reckon a lot of people will be whispering in case what they say ends up here.

ToddyDoody

'Take complaints from members of the public seriously.'

dartboardio

When you work in a call centre and sit beside idiots everyday, you can hear them not having an absolute clue what they are on about to people on the phone.

Reading the application comments that the processors left as if its a foreign language and you wish you could just take the phone off them and explain in a clear, simple context.

I actually deal with colleagues on a daily basis that ask questions everyday that we would have been taught in training day 1.

Hotblack Desiato

pinkyeye wrote: »

Why do some people whisper all the time???? :mad::mad::mad:

Loud people are far worse.

B_ecke_r

suicide_circus wrote: »

Cretinous co workers continuously abusing the queens's english

"for all intense and purposes"

"on tender hooks"

"escape goat"

"Irregardless"

"revert back to"

heard someone say "third world problems" the other day when referring to something about an iPhone

MrMusician18

I think there's a bit of a lack of self awareness on this thread. I can guarantee that everyone that's posted on this thread is not the perfect colleague and has habits that about those that work with them. There are even people who've posted on this thread that participate in inane chatter, gossip, back stabbing, brown nosing and greasy pole climbing.

Before you start throwing rocks at your colleagues, people should perhaps look at themselves. I include myself in this too.

Edgware

IK09 wrote: »

I just have to say it. You people are all soft. If you have a problem, end it. End of. Grow some stones.

Agreed. They are pathetic. You don't have to be too bright to find ways to bring ***** like these into line

kg703

MrMusician18 wrote: »

I think there's a bit of a lack of self awareness on this thread. I can guarantee that everyone that's posted on this thread is not the perfect colleague and has habits that about those that work with them. There are even people who've posted on this thread that participate in inane chatter, gossip, back stabbing, brown nosing and greasy pole climbing.

Before you start throwing rocks at your colleagues, people should perhaps look at themselves. I include myself in this too.

Was literally thinking the same thing reading this thread I’m definitely guilty of a few of these crimes - gossiping probably the worst but the minute one of us hears “those two from so and so office did it in a bathroom at the Xmas party” we have shared it with each other. Fair enough gossip is bad but at least it gives us a common denominator to talk about rather than work, weather and ‘plans for the weekend’ (I hate that one). I have a really nice small team in a big big company which has offices in a few other countries so we don’t get much good gossip anyway

I’m also guilty of some of those buzzwords, they are used so often they have crept into my vocab.

Help me.

What am I becoming.

2 fast

Not what is said more the loud eating, drinking and belching my boss does... its frankly disgusting and rude

Nikki Sixx

Pescatarians, vegans and vegetarians making a song and dance about their food choices.

Seanachai

Nikki Sixx wrote: »

Pescatarians, vegans and vegetarians making a song and dance about their food choices.

That's not just enthusiasm for a diet, it's religious fervour.

Monkey2019

Colleague is a bit late to the party discovering Narcos on Netflix.

Now we are all being subjected to Pablo Escobar's full history being read out from Wikipedia.

mfceiling

DeanAustin wrote: »

On a related note, there are an awful lot of narcissistic clowns on LinkedIn. Posting pictures of themselves and their “achievements” for likes dressed up as some sort of fight against adversity or to “thank all the people who helped them”.

Id love everybody to respond saying well done to “those who helped” rather than the attention seeker posting that nonsense.

That said, LinkedIn is used a lot by brown-nosers and office politicians to do little more than to be seen to like the right things or say “we’ll done” to the right people.

I had to come off LinkedIn for that reason. People fishing for likes. It was like a new facebook. Not for me.

Wildly Boaring

mfceiling wrote: »

I had to come off LinkedIn for that reason. People fishing for likes. It was like a new facebook. Not for me.

I particularly like the ones who are #blessed and #honoured as they got a cert or diploma from some pay as you go spot from all their #hardwork

Hector Savage

DeanAustin wrote: »

On a related note, there are an awful lot of narcissistic clowns on LinkedIn. Posting pictures of themselves and their “achievements” for likes dressed up as some sort of fight against adversity or to “thank all the people who helped them”.

Id love everybody to respond saying well done to “those who helped” rather than the attention seeker posting that nonsense.

That said, LinkedIn is used a lot by brown-nosers and office politicians to do little more than to be seen to like the right things or say “we’ll done” to the right people.

One of my ex colleagues who was so fecking zealous - good worker but just too bloody energetic and positive, on his linked in page had all sorts of ****e like that something like ...

* Outstanding in his class on Botany university of queensland
* first to carry a selvin orchard across the chilean desert.
* proven leader .... bla bla bla
* Excellent communicator ... horse**** ....
* Multi lingual .... zzzzzzz.
* And now , just for something different ...

<Video of him playing accoustic guitar and singing some song ..... >


Wasn't even that good, total narcissist ..

mistersifter

Hector Savage wrote: »

One of my ex colleagues who was so fecking zealous - good worker but just too bloody energetic and positive, on his linked in page had all sorts of ****e like that something like ...

* Outstanding in his class on Botany university of queensland
* first to carry a selvin orchard across the chilean desert.
* proven leader .... bla bla bla
* Excellent communicator ... horse**** ....
* Multi lingual .... zzzzzzz.
* And now , just for something different ...

<Video of him playing accoustic guitar and singing some song ..... >


Wasn't even that good, total narcissist ..

Jaysus, what a wreck-the-head :eek:

I'd be curious to know what kind of employer would look at that profile and think "this is the guy we're after".

The video should be a major red flag. Sounds like someone who would end up being really difficult to put up with.

Deebles McBeebles

Probably the kind of lad who takes the guitar out, totally uninvited, at house parties and regales everyone with f*ckin Wonderwall.