Farting

JohnnyFlash

Tacitus Kilgore wrote: »

Dropped one getting out of bed the other morning while herself was getting dressed in the jacks -

"What" she says - in reply to the muffled question my arse apparently asked

Plenty of opportunities to demonstrate some Wildean wit when presented with an opportunity like that.



Darling, I was preparing for an after dinner speech.
More tea, Vicar?
Now I'm no expert of rugby, but I'm pretty sure that's a knock-on.
etc
etc

PhilOssophy

I don't mind farting but I have absolutely zero time for people sharting.......

Mr. CooL ICE

I fart a lot. Like, a lot. Rarely smell but they're loud and frequent.

When I first started seeing my girlfriend, I was wary of farting in front of her. Whenever I called over to hers and were watching a movie or something, I'd hold them in for ages, then would go to the toilet, sit there and fart my ass off for like 5 minutes. Just sit there and make ungodly noises with my arse. She would definitely have heard me because farting into a toilet bowl amplifies the sound so there was no hiding it but would always come back and prepare myself to hold my farts in until my next toilet break.

This went on for a few months until one day when we were going for a walk and I needed to let off a loud one. A truck was driving nearby so I used the opportunity to fart just as it passed. I farted louder than the truck, she laughed at it, then laughed more when I told her what I was trying to do. To this day, she regrets laughing that one time because as far as I'm concerned, the ice had been broken and I felt free to fart whenever I wanted.

davidk1394

A common saying by a friend of mine “speak again oh toothless one”

blackwhite

Mark Rippetoe wrote: »

I fart a lot. Like, a lot. Rarely smell but they're loud and frequent.

When I first started seeing my girlfriend, I was wary of farting in front of her. Whenever I called over to hers and were watching a movie or something, I'd hold them in for ages, then would go to the toilet, sit there and fart my ass off for like 5 minutes. Just sit there and make ungodly noises with my arse. She would definitely have heard me because farting into a toilet bowl amplifies the sound so there was no hiding it but would always come back and prepare myself to hold my farts in until my next toilet break.

This went on for a few months until one day when we were going for a walk and I needed to let off a loud one. A truck was driving nearby so I used the opportunity to fart just as it passed. I farted louder than the truck, she laughed at it, then laughed more when I told her what I was trying to do. To this day, she regrets laughing that one time because as far as I'm concerned, the ice had been broken and I felt free to fart whenever I wanted.

It's not really a relationship until you've farted in her company

Keyzer

Its about consideration for other people - no one wants to smell the gaseous contents of someone elses hoop.

Its deplorable on a packed train, someone lets a ripper off and stinks the entire carriage out.

Repugnant behaviour.

davidk1394

davidk1394 wrote: »

A common saying by a friend of mine “speak again oh toothless one”

I wonder where that originates from. In many cultures, you have the myth of the vagina dentata - the toothed vagina - where the vagina is a trap for masculinity/ manhood.

The toothless (less dangerous) anal orifice (*shudder*) is an interesting corollary. I wonder if there's any link here to the vagina dentata, seeing as though anal intercourse cannot result in pregnancy and is less associated with female power. That's speculation, and may be a long shot.

Having said that, in Joyce's Ulysses, it was the vagina which was the toothless one: "She fixes her bluecircled hollow eyesockets on Stephen and opens her toothless mouth uttering a silent word"

Keyzer

And on that bombshell:

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he ****s on you."

magentis

Another variation "Speak again oh chocolate lips".

Bigbagofcans

magentis wrote: »

Another variation "Speak again oh chocolate lips".

That's rotten

Ashleigh1986

I dropped one in a very very quiet bar at a night club .
Moved away from the scene , 2 lads went up to the bar .
There was literally tears in their eyes .
They moved away broken men !!!

TomSweeney

I remember once I was in a strip club and it was a seedy place with f- all men in the place, I was having a beer and watching the ladies dance, the stage was a good distance away so I let one off .... a silent but violent one, of course 20 seconds later a stripper comes over looking for a private dance.


Jaysus

JohnnyFlash

TomSweeney wrote: »

I remember once I was in a strip club and it was a seedy place with f- all men in the place, I was having a beer and watching the ladies dance, the stage was a good distance away so I let one off .... a silent but violent one, of course 20 seconds later a stripper comes over looking for a private dance.


Jaysus

How did you deal with that, Tom? Go with the classic, ‘can’t get good staff these days’, or something more creative?

Dial Hard

I have a friend who's married seven years and she has never farted in front of her husband. I find that immeasurably sad. The day when you can fart in front of your partner is a happy one indeed. Nothing worse than coming home for the first few months doubled over with cramps from holding them in all night.

Titzon Toast

I've always wanted to change my GamerTag to "A good fart"

The kill feed would be great.

You've just been killed by "A good fart"

Dial Hard

Dial Hard wrote: »

I have a friend who's married seven years and she has never farted in front of her husband. I find that immeasurably sad. The day when you can fart in front of your partner is a happy one indeed. Nothing worse than coming home for the first few months doubled over with cramps from holding them in all night.

It's probably no coincidence that in my longest relationship, we were both comfortable enough that we'd fart in front of one another. In fact there was always a bottle of Febreze close-to-hand for exactly that purpose - the penalty for farting in bed was having it sprayed all over you.

Farting: bringing people closer together since the dawn of mankind.

valoren

valoren wrote: »

The ones that sound like they're asking a question get me

Would that be ones with a Cork accent?

Roger Hassenforder

I think theres no issue with being relaxed enough with someone, to be comfortable to let one rip., now and then when "under a bit of pressure"

That said, while it is a natural function.as is an ejaculation, bare in mind that you're basically ejecting the gaseous contents of your rectum, that heretofore had been permeating through your faeces.
You wouldn't drop the keks and drop a deuce, which is merely another state of matter from the same orifice, in front of your other half, stranger or recent acquaintance (with voluntary and solicited exceptions) without expecting some objection.

Roger Hassenforder

No they're the ones that go up and down.


Ones that go up at the end are more Australian?

Roger Hassenforder

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

No they're the ones that go up and down.


Ones that go up at the end are more Australian?

I wouldn’t know. I don’t fart. I literally don’t actually fart!

BarryD2

Lads I was in college with used to light them up. Killed the whiff a bit I guess.

Roger Hassenforder

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I wouldn’t know. I don’t fart. I literally don’t actually fart!

Ah hear. Everyone farts!
Some a bit more con brio than others

Zorya

Someone just stuck their head round the door and said what the hell are you laughing so much about!?

Roger Hassenforder

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Ah hear. Everyone farts!
Some a bit more con brio than others

No I don’t, I don’t have the organ that farts!

Zorya

Deleted User wrote: »

No I don’t, I don’t have the organ that farts!

You don't have a bum? :eek:

Roger Hassenforder

[Deleted User] wrote: »

No I don’t, I don’t have the organ that farts!

You might not have an organ, but i bet you've a hoop.

Zorya

Zorya wrote: »

You don't have a bum? :eek:

Nope, got it stitched closed after my entire colon was removed 😂

Roger Hassenforder

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

You might not have an organ, but i bet you've a hoop.

See above

DJIMI TRARORE

Went to pickup a GF years ago,a farmers daughter. The nerves were high and the gut on edge,got her in the car and as we were leaving her father was speeding slurry. Young Djimi spotted his moment and let one out,it was vile,some whack of that slurry says I,sure is says she, quickly followed by did u swallow much if it!!!!!!

sjb25

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Nope, got it stitched closed after my entire colon was removed 😂

..

Roger Hassenforder

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Nope, got it stitched closed after my entire colon was removed 😂

Pix or GTFO


i dont want pix

Zorya

Deleted User wrote: »

See above

Oh. I'm sorry.

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

Nope, got it stitched closed after my entire colon was removed ��

Jesus. Tell me not to pry if I am doing so, or if this is a stupid question, but -- is there a particular reason why that's done after removing the colon?

Can they not just connect the parts of the gastro-intestinal tract that are still working?

Fifty grades of shay.

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Nope, got it stitched closed after my entire colon was removed 😂

Well at least you can't be called an arshole again.

orourkeda1977

A powerful ripping fart first thing in the morning is life affirming.

It's akin to waking up with a massive erection.

tayto lover

davidk1394 wrote: »

Nothing better than leaving off a ripper in a pub or night club especially on the dance floor or the bar

Great craic in a lift. The silent assassin.

TomSweeney

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

How did you deal with that, Tom? Go with the classic, ‘can’t get good staff these days’, or something more creative?

I started the old blowing trick .... you know when you try and disperse the noxious fumes ? - but of course you need to try and disguise the actual blowing action, so it's like you are playing an invisible tin whistle.





Sometimes I miss the smoking ban.

TomSweeney

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

It's probably no coincidence that in my longest relationship, we were both comfortable enough that we'd fart in front of one another. In fact there was always a bottle of Febreze close-to-hand for exactly that purpose - the penalty for farting in bed was having it sprayed all over you.

Farting: bringing people closer together since the dawn of mankind.

We even have an expression for it - on farting terms with someone!

TomSweeney

TomSweeney wrote: »

I started the old blowing trick .... you know when you try and disperse the noxious fumes ? - but of course you need to try and disguise the actual blowing action, so it's like you are playing an invisible tin whistle.





Sometimes I miss the smoking ban.

I don't know this is an urban myth, but I had a classmate who swears she dated a guy with acid reflux, and every time she came back from the bar or from the ladies', he was tilting in his seat, with a cigarette-lighter pointed towards his ass.

Apparently acid reflux causes gassiness, and his was barely under control.

Reader, they did not remain a couple for very long.

In the immortal words of Dave Allen....

If we didn't fart, we'd explode!

TomSweeney

Ever get the really strong smell of a fart on a plane ?
For some reason it seems stronger up there , thinner air in the pressurised cabin ?

Dunno, but it's one of the reasons I hate flying - especially long haul, breathing in recycled farts of 300 people for ~10 hrs.

chicorytip

Mark Rippetoe wrote:

I fart a lot. Like, a lot. Rarely smell but they're loud and frequent.

This is not normal. You may have a gastric disorder or else a bad diet.

TomSweeney

chicorytip wrote: »

This is not normal. You may have a gastric disorder or else a bad diet.

I don't think so, I had an uncle who farted a lot and was grand, my Dad seemed to too, and now in my old age (41) my arse sounds like a trumpet, but my movements are grand and feels fine down below.

bodhrandude

Parp!

bodhrandude

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

Maybe you need to test public opinion as to your assertion OP?

Get in to a lift full of people in your place of employment, do it, and admit it.

See how they react? Then you'll know.

The silent ones are the best.

bodhrandude

Do you know Hawkwind the famous space rock band with the hit single Silver Machine, there's a funny story behind their name.

'The story goes that sax player/singer Nik Turner was nicknamed "Hawkwind" due to his habit of hawking (clearing his throat) and his wind (flatulence). Following an impromptu inaugural performance as "Band X" in 1969 they were signed to a recording contract and needed a name quickly.'

screamer

Well this is some shyte thread

It’s the smell I object to, that’s been in someone’s bowels and now it’s in my lungs, pure disgusting

Annd9

Just proves how funny farts are , I have tears running down my face reading this thread yet not a smell nor sound of a real fart anywhere.

Used to love letting a silent one then challenge one of the lads to whistle backwards .

the_pen_turner

screamer wrote: »

Well this is some shyte thread

It’s the smell I object to, that’s been in someone’s bowels and now it’s in my lungs, pure disgusting

Every breath you have ever taken has been inside someone. And probably straight through loads

Jim Bob Scratcher

chicorytip wrote: »

This is not normal. You may have a gastric disorder or else a bad diet.

I'm sure he's grand. Long as they don't smell like shower farts.