What's the etiquette here??

Roger Hassenforder

dartboardio wrote: »

Get your own private cubicle if you're so bothered ye idiot.

This can be achieved in most starting stalls with a 20c coin, and locking the trap after you.
An effective "reservation" if you will

EmmetSpiceland

dartboardio wrote: »

Get your own private cubicle if you're so bothered ye idiot.

I only ever go poo if the toilet is empty too though. Thats my own security problem, the same as you.

He wasn't in the wrong just because you're uncomfortable hearing someone else go toilet.

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

This can be achieved in most starting stalls with a 20c coin, and locking the trap after you.
An effective "reservation" if you will

I think we’ve gotten off the mark again here. The issue isn’t sharing the toilet, having someone come in or whatever.

This about two colleagues in one place, a toilet with only two stalls and one colleague going into the other stall while the other guy in there. This is the issue. And it is clearly in breach of standard toilet usage, be it between work colleagues or personal friends.

It would be great to have your own jacks or get to lock everyone else out but no one really minds when they don’t know who’s in the stall next to them.

Roger Hassenforder

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I think we’ve gotten off the mark again here. The issue isn’t sharing the toilet, having someone come in or whatever.

This about two colleagues in one place, a toilet with only two stalls and one colleague going into the other stall while the other guy in there. This is the issue. And it is clearly in breach of standard toilet usage, be it between work colleagues or personal friends.

It would be great to have your own jacks or get to lock everyone else out but no one really minds when they don’t know who’s in the stall next to them.

Im sorry, youre right.
Strayed off topic with a protip
May be worthy of a seperate thread

EmmetSpiceland

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Im sorry, youre right.
Strayed off topic with a protip
May be worthy of a seperate thread

Apology accepted, let’s put it behind us now.

There’s a couple of potentially separate threads in here, the “work ****” for one. Could even add a poll to see who does it and who lies.

Roger Hassenforder

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Apology accepted, let’s put it behind us now.

There’s a couple of potentially separate threads in here, the “work ****” for one. Could even add a poll to see who does it and who lies.

That work **** stuff sits uncomfortably in this thread, almost like a turd in a sink, to use a pertinent simile

TomasMacR

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

If you are regularly getting one of these buoyant bastards I would be remiss if I didn’t suggest a change in diet, maybe try adding more fibre intake.

You could do this with the addition of bran to your morning porridge or possibly with some sort of supplement.

Would I be right in thinking you’d be a “gassy” fella? Bacteria in the gut likes to feast on the shítty matter within and this produces gas, once this stuff gets imbedded into the stool you could use them to keep a small child afloat in a swimming pool.

You’d want to be putting more than a simple sheet on it if you’re looking to get that up pass down under the “arch”, it’s weight you need as modern fracking techniques would have no effect on such a small scale.

I’ve a theory on those floating turds. I don't think its dietary. They could be down to a thing called hydraulic jumps which is what drowns loads of dumb ass kayakers going down small flowing dams. End up in a washing machine. I’ve been working on the below all night and replaced the hapless dumbass kayaker with a turd to prove my theory.




https://youtu.be/GVDpqphHhAE

Kermit.de.frog

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

One lad will actually wait outside the stalls for one to free up. He’s right there as soon as you open the door. Why he won’t just use the handicapped toilet like a normal person is beyond me.

Are you a horse, or what?

EmmetSpiceland

TomasMacR wrote: »

I’ve a theory on those floating turds. I don't think its dietary. They could be down to a thing called hydraulic jumps which is what drowns loads of dumb ass kayakers going down small flowing dams. End up in a washing machine. I’ve been working on the below all night and replaced the hapless dumbass kayaker with a turd to prove my theory.




https://youtu.be/GVDpqphHhAE

That is certainly a very interesting theory, one that doesn’t fully discount the effect of gas bubbles within the stool itself. There is certainly enough there that would warrant further study.

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

Are you a horse, or what?

It’s above average, alright. Certainly never had any complaints.

topper75

I'm with Emmet on this.
I tend not to be swayed by colourful diagrams and don't accept the theory. Even in extremely low-turbulence environments some will rise to bob mockingly at you, and some will fall to the bottom of the u-bend. We've got to look again at the turd itself.

partyguinness

TomasMacR wrote: »

I’ve a theory on those floating turds. I don't think its dietary. They could be down to a thing called hydraulic jumps which is what drowns loads of dumb ass kayakers going down small flowing dams. End up in a washing machine. I’ve been working on the below all night and replaced the hapless dumbass kayaker with a turd to prove my theory.




https://youtu.be/GVDpqphHhAE

The main weakness in the above theory is that the water in a kayak situation has room to bulge upward into the surrounding atmosphere. Whereas the U Bend and waste pipe is a sealed water right environment with no where to go.

We cannot ignore the consistency, length, size and solubility of the turd. All turds are not created equally.

Where is the control?

Ush1

The kayak floats in such a way as it is full of air, composition of the stool is very relevant here.

partyguinness

Ush1 wrote: »

The kayak floats in such a way as it is full of air, composition of the stool is very relevant here.

Indeed, it's made of plastic!!

I would add that kayaks are consistent whereas turd are not.

Ush1

partyguinness wrote: »

Indeed, it's made of plastic!!

I would add that kayaks are consistent whereas turd are not.

It's a common enough scenario when the "pre gas" stage of brewing said turd has accidentally introduced some gas into the log itself.

Often manifested with an otherwise textbook dump is half way birthed, it suddenly gets lock in and pauses, followed by what is akin to a shotgun blast mid way, hurtling ballistics all over the back of the bowl. CSI would have a field day.

JohnnyFlash

Ush1 wrote: »

It's a common enough scenario when the "pre gas" stage of brewing said turd has accidentally introduced some gas into the log itself.

Often manifested with an otherwise textbook dump is half way birthed, it suddenly gets lock in and pauses, followed by what is akin to a shotgun blast mid way, hurtling ballistics all over the back of the bowl. CSI would have a field day.

The 3 states of matter in one movement: solids, liquids, and gases.

Ray Bloody Purchase

Ush1 wrote: »

It's a common enough scenario when the "pre gas" stage of brewing said turd has accidentally introduced some gas into the log itself.

Often manifested with an otherwise textbook dump is half way birthed, it suddenly gets lock in and pauses, followed by what is akin to a shotgun blast mid way, hurtling ballistics all over the back of the bowl. CSI would have a field day.

You'd need a Sh1t-Splatter Expert in to examine the scene of 'the crime.'

partyguinness

I would be of the opinion that if you are regularly pebble dashing the toilet bowel outside of a hard weekend of boozing then you have some gastrointestinal issues that need medical investigation.

JohnnyFlash

Ray Bloody Purchase wrote: »

You'd need a Sh1t-Splatter Expert in to examine the scene of 'the crime.'

‘Bag her up, detective inspector’.

Ray Bloody Purchase

partyguinness wrote: »

I would be of the opinion that if you are regularly pebble dashing the toilet bowel outside of a hard weekend of boozing then you have some gastrointestinal issues that need medical investigation.

True enough. If you're hosing it out like a fcuking sh1t geyser, you may need to close the national park down and seek medical help.

For the average joe, eating plenty greens and drinking a lot of water should have you bunting out velvet logs on demand.

JohnnyFlash

I was over in Germany about a year ago at a trade conference, and made an absolute pig of myself - kebabs every night stumbling home from the boozer, sausages for breakfast, smoking 40 a day, drinking about 6 litres of beer per day. My digestive system was in tatters by the end - squirting out pure stomach acid, and left with a hole like the tale light on a Massey Ferguson 135. There was a hellish mixture of painful 'ring sting' and almost unbearable itch as well. The German equivalent of Renne wasn't working, and I was considering visiting a hospital to see if I was dying. Ended up just sticking a few bags of peas in the minibar and using them on rotation to keep the pain to a minimum. A mild hydrocortisone cream also helped tremendously.

Don't know how serious pintmen or beer merchants deal with that side-effect. They must never have anything that approaches a solid movement.

partyguinness

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I was over in Germany about a year ago at a trade conference, and made an absolute pig of myself - kebabs every night stumbling home from the boozer, sausages for breakfast, smoking 40 a day, drinking about 6 litres of beer per day. My digestive system was in tatters by the end - squirting out pure stomach acid, and left with a hole like the tale light on a Massey Ferguson 135. There was a hellish mixture of painful 'ring sting' and almost unbearable itch as well. The German equivalent of Renne wasn't working, and I was considering visiting a hospital to see if I was dying. Ended up just sticking a few bags of peas in the minibar and using them on rotation to keep the pain to a minimum. A mild hydrocortisone cream also helped tremendously.

Don't know how serious pintmen or beer merchants deal with that side-effect. They must never have anything that approaches a solid movement.

You might want to consider hitting the spirits and mixers instead of beers for long preplanned sessions. The fallout is nowhere near as radioactive.

Former Observer

To be fair lads, it was myself that introduced the theme of unwanted sexual emissions in the workplace.

Deepest apologies if the thread became a little seedy.

TomasMacR

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

There was a hellish mixture of painful 'ring sting' and almost unbearable itch as well.

How did you cope with the itch?

An itchy ring has 3 options and two types of people.

When it comes to itching your hole there are two types of people:

1. Those that admit to itching their hole
2. Those that lie about not itching their hole

Even that cracker you saw earlier wherever you were has at some point has had those perfectly manicured and painted fingernails between her ass cleft providing some relief.

The three options are:

1. A very polite and unsatisfactory shuffle on a seat which only teases and toys with your ring.
2. The preferred polite trip to the jacks for the jacks roll to do what it can, does the job.
3. If you don’t give a f*ck you can go full Joachim Lowe on your arsehole and scratch the ‘****’ out of it bareback, pun intended.

https://youtu.be/j7USaBkHt8o

Brendan Bendar

I always say when I see a lad scratching his hoop “Have you something in your eye, pal”.

Hector Savage

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Believe that was true.... lad working in, Finance...I think, was waiting for a free trap at the 1030 evacuation, when in rolls an Executive Officer and claims ‘privelege’.

Lad says he blew out a load like a bolt of otters going off a riverbank, and left the pan like the Derby Co. goalmouth in the 1960s.

Fcuking whack of stale salmon and peanuts was vile the lad said.

Like a bears den after a winter hibernation.....fcuking rank.

post of the year ?

mfceiling

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I always say when I see a lad scratching his hoop “Have you something in your eye, pal”.

I prefer the old...

"Are you off to the cinema?"

"No, why?"

"Sorry I thought I saw you picking your seat"


My mate prefers...

"Are you cutting teeth?"..."hate to see the state of your gums"

Brendan Bendar

Just after sluicing out a nice buttery baton round....


Been a bit bound so I thought I’d mark the occasion.

bodhrandude

Johnny any festival stories, there must be a few crackers around the portaloos of some of the big events, will try and find the one from Life Festival 2013 if I can, classic portaloo incident. :D:D

EmmetSpiceland

Regular showering and a solid wiping routine should keep the average hole itch free.

If you feel like it’s itching more than usual you should get checked out. You could have worms or something more severe.

You can get de-worming medicine over the counter so no need for any potentially embarrassing inspection by your local GP, I know this as it happened someone I know. My own hoop is pristine and rarely ever itchy.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Just after sluicing out a nice buttery baton round....


Been a bit bound so I thought I’d mark the occasion.

Any idea on what caused you to get bound up? It’s never a pleasant experience. I recommend getting plenty of fibre into your diet, along with leafy green vegetables. Stay away from the near dated beer shelf in JC’s as well

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Any idea on what caused you to get bound up? It’s never a pleasant experience. I recommend getting plenty of fibre into your diet, along with leafy green vegetables. Stay away from the near dated beer shelf in JC’s as well

You could have something there, John.

Had a spicy Korean stir fry tonight,so expecting the sump valve to be a tad angry amarach.

I have a damp handkerchief in the fridge so she could be lodged for a while in the morning.

Either that or a few squarts of cold water from the chicken baster.