What's the etiquette here??

Bullocks

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I make no apologies for my “technique” when it comes to wiping. My natural position on the subject is the sit and lean, with a little lift. It’s pretty much automated at this stage.

But, I should point out, I have experimented with other options. I found standing up yielded no more greater “clean” than my favoured sit and lean. What did surprise me was that by going the more “female” route of down and under that you really get the most “purchase” and really does thoroughly clear out the area.

But with high reward comes high risk and when you go that way you really are leaving yourself open to a case of “pissy hand”, “sac smear” or, at the very least, “stained barse”. No amount of clean is worth an experience like that.

I just don’t see the point in doing the “stand and wipe”. I might explain a lot of the groaning that goes on in the cubicles at work, lads bending there backs trying to get eye to eye with their ball bag while their little mickey drips into their slacks. And, tell me this, V, if you were in an en-suite or the downstairs jacks at home would you be throwing a leg up onto the sink to really get into the “spokes”?

As for the glimpse in the mirror, yes, that is something I could do without. Wasn’t it John McGahern who pointed out that a man truly looks pathetic wearing a shirt without trousers, particularly if he’s just wearing socks? I believe he called it “absurd”.

It’s just not a good look and if remaining seated allows me so avoided seeing myself in such a “vulnerable” state then that is what I shall do, even if it means suffering insults from lesser men, like your good self.

Good day, sir.

Do you slip the wiping hand down the front and around Fagan and the two Molloys to clean up or twist your arm over the seat and under a buttock?
I'll have to try this sitting wipe for the craic even though I'll probably end up giving my lad pink eye in the process.
I stand up and throw one leg above on the toilet seat to open up the purse strings and give as good access as possible for the tissue paw.

EmmetSpiceland

Bullocks wrote: »

Do you slip the wiping hand down the front and around Fagan and the two Molloys to clean up or twist your arm over the seat and under a buttock?
I'll have to try this sitting wipe for the craic even though I'll probably end up giving my lad pink eye in the process.
I stand up and throw one leg above on the toilet seat to open up the purse strings and give as good access as possible for the tissue paw.

While I do feel that a person’s wiping “style” is a deeply personal choice I’m not sure I could condone putting a dirty boot up onto the seat to get “down to business”.

If you are planning on “experimenting” with a different “technique” please do so carefully. Very carefully. Especially with the frontal “dip”, be sure to go down the side of the ball bag and be sure to avoid any kind of “smearing”.

It should be noted that the “sit down” wipe is the only one you will ever see on the television or in film.

Brendan Bendar

Bullocks wrote: »

Do you slip the wiping hand down the front and around Fagan and the two Molloys to clean up or twist your arm over the seat and under a buttock?
I'll have to try this sitting wipe for the craic even though I'll probably end up giving my lad pink eye in the process.
I stand up and throw one leg above on the toilet seat to open up the purse strings and give as good access as possible for the tissue paw.

Mr B, just a word of friendly warning on that technique, be careful in the event of exiting the shower and suddenly getting the urge to blow out the pipes, then after dispatching the lobbage,one plants the foot on seat to perform the cleaning. Did that myself and of course the foot slipped and the Bren was tumbled to tiles clutching a wodge of well coated dung roll to my good DG.

Not a pretty sight I have to admit,made worse by an upsetting of the brush system which deposited a thin stream of sepia coloured drittle over floor.

No permanent damage, but just a heads up.

Bullocks

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Mr B, just a word of friendly warning on that technique, be careful in the event of exiting the shower and suddenly getting the urge to blow out the pipes, then after dispatching the lobbage,one plants the foot on seat to perform the cleaning. Did that myself and of course the foot slipped and the Bren was tumbled to tiles clutching a wodge of well coated dung roll to my good DG.

Not a pretty sight I have to admit,made worse by an upsetting of the brush system which deposited a thin stream of sepia coloured drittle over floor.

No permanent damage, but just a heads up.

I do appreciate the heads up Mr B B.
Being honest the fact that I'd have to go and drop grout after showering the whole rear end out (I give myself as good a colonic irrigation as a mira pumped shower will allow) is a huge bummer for me, if you can excuse the pun.
I'd nearly not bother wiping if I was still wet from a shower and just hop in and hose it all down again. Safer than chancing standing on one wet foot to do a tricky job.

EmmetSpiceland

Bullocks wrote: »

I do appreciate the heads up Mr B B.
Being honest the fact that I'd have to go and drop grout after showering the whole rear end out (I give myself as good a colonic irrigation as a mira pumped shower will allow) is a huge bummer for me, if you can excuse the pun.
I'd nearly not bother wiping if I was still wet from a shower and just hop in and hose it all down again. Safer than chancing standing on one wet foot to do a tricky job.

Be sure to “toe” any oversized claggers down the drain, B. They can be stubborn and could lead to an embarrassing explanation.

Hector Savage

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Be sure to “toe” any oversized claggers down the drain, B. They can be stubborn and could lead to an embarrassing explanation.

Exactly, we don't want a repeat of the IlGemini saga

EmmetSpiceland

Hector Savage wrote: »

Exactly, we don't want a repeat of the IlGemini saga

Still haven’t eaten prawns since.

Hector Savage

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Still haven’t eaten prawns since.

Still haven't looked at my freezer the same way since .... or a frisbee ....

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Be sure to “toe” any oversized claggers down the drain, B. They can be stubborn and could lead to an embarrassing explanation.

I have installed new facilities in casa Brendan recently Emmett and regretfully the drain from the shower is a flat grid kind of affair exiting off a slate ‘tray’.

I hadn’t the nerve to mention to the young lady salesperson, “How the fcuk am I going to toe some serious bolts of semi-solid midden down that”

Had to initiate a new clagg clearance strategy.

‘Nothing bigger than a raisin’

Good times are gone when you could go in with a hoop like a badly dashed gable end :mad:

Nevin Parsnipp

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I have installed new facilities in casa Brendan recently Emmett and regretfully the drain from the shower is a flat grid kind of affair exiting off a slate ‘tray’.

I hadn’t the nerve to mention to the young lady salesperson, “How the fcuk am I going to toe some serious bolts of semi-solid midden down that”

Had to initiate a new clagg clearance strategy.

‘Nothing bigger than a raisin’

Good times are gone when you could go in with a hoop like a badly dashed gable end :mad:

Hollow out the Star before enterin the Sluice is the secret Ben....nowt left but little pellets of dried midden which can be softened by a direct shower application and a vigorous rubb of the good facecloth.

Result = Star shining like the tail pipe of a Phantom Jet !

Happy daze !

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Hollow out the Star before enterin the Sluice is the secret Ben....nowt left but little pellets of dried midden which can be softened by a direct shower application and a vigorous rubb of the good facecloth.

Result = Star shining like the tail pipe of a Phantom Jet !

Happy daze !

Thanks Nevin, that’s a good piece of advice for sure.

The good point is the clag has to be softened up prior to entering the Sluice as you call it.

I’ll adopt that strategy but am a little concerned that direct shower application might damage an already abraided hoop.

Having a Star like the tail pipe of an F4 might not be too comfortable.

Might take a heavy application of Savlon to calm down.

Hmmm

Fingerbang2

Jaysus reading the wiping techniques here women must be extra careful

JohnnyFlash

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Hollow out the Star before enterin the Sluice is the secret Ben....nowt left but little pellets of dried midden which can be softened by a direct shower application and a vigorous rubb of the good facecloth.

Result = Star shining like the tail pipe of a Phantom Jet !

Happy daze !

Might I suggest you get an extra wide bottle brush, dip it in Jeyes Fluid, and use that to get rid of the heavy soiling first?

Give it a go, pal, and let us know how you got on.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Might I suggest you get an extra wide bottle brush, dip it in Jeyes Fluid, and use that to get rid of the heavy soiling first?

Give it a go, pal, and let us know how you got on.

John, what you can’t do is disturb the starfish, delicate membranes there John, not agreeable to harsh brushes, fluids, and chemical products.

That is not the way to cleanse the balloon knot John.

Now you should know, the Japanese have the process sorted.

Sit up on the bafflebox, blow out the load and then, without moving, press the appropriate button and a jet of warm emollient water will hit the bullseye square in the notch and clear off any clagging,winnitts, tag nuts, arse raisins and hoop grapes.

The Nips know how to take care of those areas, John.

No fcuking brushes or harsh chemicals, just melt the fcukers.

Bullocks

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

John, what you can’t do is disturb the starfish, delicate membranes there John, not agreeable to harsh brushes, fluids, and chemical products.

That is not the way to cleanse the balloon knot John.

Now you should know, the Japanese have the process sorted.

Sit up on the bafflebox, blow out the load and then, without moving, press the appropriate button and a jet of warm emollient water will hit the bullseye square in the notch and clear off any clagging,winnitts, tag nuts, arse raisins and hoop grapes.

The Nips know how to take care of those areas, John.

No fcuking brushes or harsh chemicals, just melt the fcukers.

After this rugby craic over there I can see these Japanese Jacks getting their foot in the door here. Especially seeing that the economy is flying so we all have a few bob extra to blow ó fine food to give us more ****e and finer ware to take the ****e away from us

Nevin Parsnipp

Bullocks wrote: »

After this rugby craic over there I can see these Japanese Jacks getting their foot in the door here. Especially seeing that the economy is flying so we all have a few bob extra to blow ó fine food to give us more ****e and finer ware to take the ****e away from us

Too true Bull ...I can envisage some smart country solicitor...over there for the Rugby World Cup thinkin to himself ..."how could I get the EU franchise on these to die for jax"

The country is ready ..awash with SUV's ....trophy homes and cocain....all thats missin is a de lux kludgy ...where you can invite the neighbours in and imagine the face of Marge from no 42 when the hott jett hits her fanny ?

Have to make sure she is a "Consenting Adult"

Might have a cut myself ....anybody have the tel No of the Japanese equivelent of Armitage Shanks ?

sligojoek

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Too true Bull ...I can envisage some smart country solicitor...over there for the Rugby World Cup thinkin to himself ..."how could I get the EU franchise on these to die for jax"

The country is ready ..awash with SUV's ....trophy homes and cocain....all thats missin is a de lux kludgy ...where you can invite the neighbours in and imagine the face of Marge from no 42 when the hott jett hits her fanny ?

Have to make sure she is a "Consenting Adult"

Might have a cut myself ....anybody have the tel No of the Japanese equivelent of Armitage Shanks ?

Have you tried "Trotter" Independent Trading?

Hector Savage

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I see you are one of those maniacs who prefers to wipe their arse whilst sitting down. Another fine example of why one would always wipe whilst standing up, shirt/jumper clenched in one hand around the stomach area whilst the other hand attends to business with some firm, re-assuring wipes.

I can only surmise that any male in adulthood than continues to wipe his arse whilst seated on the pan still feels the burdensome pressure of his mother from his formative years to remain on the seat in fear of soiling the bathroom rug, or lacks the discipline of facing the mental consequences of accidentally spotting ones reflection in the aforementioned position in a nearby mirror whilst performing such a standing wipe.

Such a reflection can bring a man to deep levels of disgust if not properly reared. If ever I have such an unlucky glimpse of myself, I have the stomach to chuckle at myself and think "jesus, if anyone I knew could see me now...", safe in the thought that we've all been in the same boat at some stage of our lives. Apart from you seated wiping lunatics.

MY mirror thankfully is behind and to the left of my trap at home, but I remember when I was a kid a cousins house had a full length mirror right beside the jacks.

JAysus , I would avoid at all costs going for a dump in that bathroom , was not a pretty site as you wiped..

NeinNeinNein

armaghlad wrote: »

I’m not sure how a thorough clean up can be achieved whilst sitting. In fact I’d say many of those who choose to to remain seated have more skidmarks on their €3 guiney’s briefs than a Donegal crossroads.

Don't be fibbing now, what exactly have you got against the Guineys?

For the record it's €3.50 for 2 brief and €4.50 for 2 seamless boxer.

A friend told me.

Utter Consternation

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Too true Bull ...I can envisage some smart country solicitor...over there for the Rugby World Cup thinkin to himself ..."how could I get the EU franchise on these to die for jax"

The country is ready ..awash with SUV's ....trophy homes and cocain....all thats missin is a de lux kludgy ...where you can invite the neighbours in and imagine the face of Marge from no 42 when the hott jett hits her fanny ?

Have to make sure she is a "Consenting Adult"

Might have a cut myself ....anybody have the tel No of the Japanese equivelent of Armitage Shanks ?

The good times are back indeed. It's a good period for a young executive to be caught up in the world of FMCG.

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

The good times are back indeed. It's a good period for a young executive to be caught up in the world of FMCG.

Fast moving chod gouts?

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Fast moving chod gouts?

Fast moving cock grabber.

Brendan Bendar

Utter Consternation wrote: »

The good times are back indeed. It's a good period for a young executive to be caught up in the world of FMCG.








Note the console on the right and the one on the left

I used an edition which had a ‘joystick’ kinda like an A320 which one could manipulate and direct to the area and even had a little button on top which directed a thin jet or a soft shower over ground zero.

Also had a little ‘trim wheel ‘ built in which controlled the water temp.

Excellent units, way better than the big swipe.

Edit... note the little hand sink on top which can be used after the flush.

EmmetSpiceland

What’s the max temperature of that cleaning “spout”? I wouldn’t be keen on anything over 34 degrees hitting me right in the “brown star”.

Especially if someone can set it above 38 and cause the machine to not register any changes to the settings.

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

What’s the max temperature of that cleaning “spout”? I wouldn’t be keen on anything over 34 degrees hitting me right in the “brown star”.

Especially if someone can set it above 38 and cause the machine to not register any changes to the settings.

Very good question Emmett.

The little temp unit on the joystick has a little clicker system on it and visual marking which can be inspected prior to dump.

Now it’s personal preference, but one ‘click’ is nicely warm and two is nicer, and I have to admit I did not go over that .

However one could get a Jap with a ‘star’ like the tongue of a five year old golf shoe and maybe he could take a 4 which is the max.

John Flash could have some info so maybe hit him up for further info.

You’ll find him in the ‘serious soiling’ section:D

NeinNeinNein

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Fast moving cock grabber.

That's Father McGreevey in a nutshell.

Hector Savage

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Utter Consternation wrote: »

The good times are back indeed. It's a good period for a young executive to be caught up in the world of FMCG.








Note the console on the right and the one on the left

I used an edition which had a ‘joystick’ kinda like an A320 which one could manipulate and direct to the area and even had a little button on top which directed a thin jet or a soft shower over ground zero.

Also had a little ‘trim wheel ‘ built in which controlled the water temp.

Excellent units, way better than the big swipe.

Edit... note the little hand sink on top which can be used after the flush.

Amazing piece of machinery, but I have to ask this joystick element of it, does it have an accompanying screen to direct said spouts of warm twater ?
it would be a little offputting to see HD images of my sheriffs badge on screen - or is it more a do as you feel plug and play joystick.


Also as someome who works in the QA industry, I am fascinated about how this thing is tested.
I'd love to see an official test case document for it

Brendan Bendar

Hector Savage wrote: »

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Amazing piece of machinery, but I have to ask this joystick element of it, does it have an accompanying screen to direct said spouts of warm twater ?
it would be a little offputting to see HD images of my sheriffs badge on screen - or is it more a do as you feel plug and play joystick.


Also as someome who works in the QA industry, I am fascinated about how this thing is tested.
I'd love to see an official test case document for it

For Fcuks sake Hector is done by feel.... like it’s set up to hit the bulls eye by default.

If in the unlikely event as they say in aviation ,there is some ‘spread’you manipulate the joystick .

If you happen to hit a stream off the back of the ball sack you
pull back on the stick to target the biffers bridge, or the higher reaches of the arse crack.

Side to side if there is ‘caking’ on the arse cheeks due to ‘reverse thrust ‘ attempts being somewhat unsuccessful.


Just feel the stream dude....... fuuuherkes sake:rolleyes:

That's an amazing looking bit of kit, wonder if importing one would be difficult. I'd imagine plumbing could be awkward, they probably use different size pipework over there.

padd b1975

[Deleted User] wrote: »

That's an amazing looking bit of kit, wonder if importing one would be difficult. I'd imagine plumbing could be awkward, they probably use different size pipework over there.

I've never seen anything like it to be honest.

Hopefully she's Saniflo compatible, could park her anywhere then.

Corner of the living room, conservatory, etc etc

Probably talking somewhere in the region of 20k onto the price of the house virtually overnight.