What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Small amount of Baking Soda. You'll be grand in an hour or so

I’ll look into that, S. Thanks.

Was wondering if the chemist would stock seaweed “capsules”. I’ve heard that stuff is supposed to work well with cattle and their “emissions”.

Might go some way to lessening my own “carbon skidmark”.

Utter Consternation

I'm making fairly pungent dumps these days. The missus has me exiled to the jacks under the stairs. Fcuking jacks is freezing, no radiator in it.

My own personal Coventry.

Hector Savage

Dr Strange wrote: »

Thread's gone to shit yet again. :mad:

I apologise, I think I derailed it by asking about that ****eing on a table kink...

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Small amount of Baking Soda. You'll be grand in an hour or so

Really ?
interesting ...

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Anyone know of any remedies to combat gas? I’ve been farting fairly frequently today. No real smell but they’re coming out in lengthy “bursts”.

The sound would be similar to that of a two-stroke motorbike revving, 750cc.

It’s as if a big bubble of gas is on its way out but hitting a “blockage” and that’s causing it to break up in a flurry of smaller rapidly exiting farts.

I’m having to go for a walk to let these out. Granted, it’s fun to lift the leg and mimic reviving while out and about but it’s comprising my “productivity” for the day.

‘Country and Western Medley’ I think some lad called it.

Great description.

Bobblehats

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I'm making fairly pungent dumps these days. The missus has me exiled to the jacks under the stairs. Fcuking jacks is freezing, no radiator in it.

My own personal Coventry.

Has me hunched under the stairs like a reprobate too it can get a bit pent up in there, the only release being to seep up and out through the staircase. Cream carpet’s a definite tinge of yellow now

NeinNeinNein

Some lovely recipes and household tips on here today. Who would have foreseen that in a thread about defecation etiquette?

EmmetSpiceland

Bobblehats wrote: »

Cream carpet’s a definite tinge of yellow now

Are you from “up north”, B, or maybe CoI?

Omackeral

Bobblehats wrote: »

Where are we going with this. Why don’t you just dip your knob in a hot pocket

That's incidentally what I call a vagina. That or a fleshy envelope or a sausage wallet

Bobblehats

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Are you from “up north”, B, or maybe CoI?

How do you figure that emmet I’m just busy offsetting her sense of regalia.

Sharp MZ700

Not good lads. Trouser coughing all day here, left the throne like the back wall of a horse's stable just there now. A feed of Taco chips and whiskey last night giving it a CeltMex aroma, even the silverfish are coming out from under the floorboards.

Can't believe that was me tbh.

Bullocks

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Not good lads. Trouser coughing all day here, left the throne like the back wall of a horse's stable just there now. A feed of Taco chips and whiskey last night giving it a CeltMex aroma, even the silverfish are coming out from under the floorboards.

Can't believe that was me tbh.

I'm leaking air loudly here myself today . Pure bittersweet if its ok to describe farts as bitter sweet . I ate roughly a full ring of Kellys pudding (white ) this morning early with a hape of sourdough bread , bit of rasberry jam to finish but that would be carbon neutral as far as i know .
It's savage pudding and the resulting fumes smell awful like the pudding did on the way in practically unaltered . I actually think they smell nice , the wife isn't in agreement though .
Try that Kelly's pudding lads , you don't have to go to Newport for it , they have it stocked in Dunnes and Tesco now . Serious stuff

Bullocks

Bullocks wrote: »

I'm leaking air loudly here myself today . Pure bittersweet if its ok to describe farts as bitter sweet . I ate roughly a full ring of Kellys pudding (white ) this morning early with a hape of sourdough bread , bit of rasberry jam to finish but that would be carbon neutral as far as i know .
It's savage pudding and the resulting fumes smell awful like the pudding did on the way in practically unaltered . I actually think they smell nice , the wife isn't in agreement though .
Try that Kelly's pudding lads , you don't have to go to Newport for it , they have it stocked in Dunnes and Tesco now . Serious stuff

I prefer the James Whelan white pudding myself, not too bad on the way out either.

EmmetSpiceland

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I prefer the James Whelan white pudding myself, not too bad on the way out either.

Probably depends on where you’re putting it.

EmmetSpiceland

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Probably depends on where you’re putting it.

FFS, sounded so innocent when I typed it out first!

EmmetSpiceland

[Deleted User] wrote: »

FFS, sounded so innocent when I typed it out first!

I’ll have to take your word for it, N. You do seem like a normal. You just can’t be too sure with the “users” of this site.

Some them are into things, you know? Weird “things”.

Brendan Bendar

Ohh... don’t mention pudding, black or white...please.

Last time I partook in a few rings, blew out a thin blanket of butt soup over the furniture.

Fcuking whiff was like someone burning well used runners.

JohnnyFlash

Down in Cork for the weekend. Had 12 pints of Murphy’s last night and decided I’d try tripe and onions today for lunch. This was a very bad decision. Long low ominous rumbles all afternoon, and have started seeping out those silent farts with a ‘damp finish’.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Down in Cork for the weekend. Had 12 pints of Murphy’s last night and decided I’d try tripe and onions today for lunch. This was a very bad decision. Long low ominous rumbles all afternoon, and have started seeping out those silent farts with a ‘damp finish’.

Would have thought you would have packed the TK Maxx ‘dozen for €5.00 striped selection’ of cheap skiddies after that lot ,John.

Probably left a burst of fecal matter all over the back of the ‘comfort fits’ like a fcuking saucepan after cooking re-fried beans.

Most likely consigned the skids to the Brown Bin to encourage the maggots to get to work and break things down.

fuerte1976

Oh Lads, lads, lads..
A horrendous week I'm
enduring and I'm not outta the woods yet..
Knew on Monday my carcass was acting up and I was about to hit the floor.. Felt cold all day and true to form I hit one of those mobile canteen ****ters attached to the back of a trailer. Dear gawd, I and the porcelain were worn out after my visit.. I broke every etiquette protocol during the encounter.. The fellas scoffing tea, bread n jam @ 5pm had to perform their own evacuation from the adjoining canteen.
My suspected man flu is in fact a respiratory infection for which I'm dosed with antibiotics with and me frame isn't used to any antibiotics..
Kids have disowned me, wife is gonna turf me out all due to the mix running a bit lean.. I contemplated actually setting up a few concrete blocks over the septic tank to deliver the payload directly to the end user..
Please make this end...

Bullocks

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Kids have disowned me, wife is gonna turf me out all due to the mix running a bit lean.. I contemplated actually setting up a few concrete blocks over the septic tank to deliver the payload directly to the end user..
Please make this end...

I was thinking about this today , would many of ye consider having a personal ****house ? For your own comfort and also to keep the rest of the household happy not to have to endure any manly strong bodied evacuations ?
We do a bit of farming here and I know two farming buddies that crap in the cow sheds to avoid complaints from the missus' . One lad is on slats so it drops away into the tank out of sight but the other lad is in a straw bedded shed and you can see dots of andrex around the shed (not ideal )
I built a crapper for a retired man a few years ago too , I think he used to poop on company time and didn't like dropping grout at home after he retired so got me to help him make a small lean to against the back of his house . Really cheap and cheerful job but he was delighted not to be sharing

sligojoek

My late great father in law built a garage/workshop next to the house. First and foremost in the plans was a 'potty house' in the corner. Radiator and tiled to the ceiling. Shelf for reading material. Swarfega for 'oily' clean-ups. Top facility.
I lived there temporarily for a few months 20 years ago. I had to go out for something one morning after he'd been in there dropping off the load. Not pleasant. Best kept out of a nice house.

KWAG2019

Bullocks wrote: »

We do a bit of farming here and I know two farming buddies that crap in the cow sheds to avoid complaints from the missus' . One lad is on slats so it drops away into the tank out of sight but the other lad is in a straw bedded shed and you can see dots of andrex around the shed (not ideal )

Your first buddy has probably fallen foul of some obscure EU rule drawn up by a German Green MEP banning the use of the cattle “facilities”. The stress these animals must suffer at the sight of yer man heaving in to view after a feed of 14 pints and a takeaway Indian plus a few kebabs can only be horrendous. The beasts will be immune to their own stink but the noxious emissions of buddy 1 must cause weight loss to the animals as well as souring the milk. Disgusting.

Your second buddy is a right snowflake. Who ever heard of Andrex when there is good straw bedding available! A vigorous abrasive like that will straighten him up and a few stray wisps out the back of his trousers will add to his rustic charm.

Brendan Bendar

sligojoek wrote: »

My late great father in law built a garage/workshop next to the house. First and foremost in the plans was a 'potty house' in the corner. Radiator and tiled to the ceiling. Shelf for reading material. Swarfega for 'oily' clean-ups. Top facility.
I lived there temporarily for a few months 20 years ago. I had to go out for something one morning after he'd been in there dropping off the load. Not pleasant. Best kept out of a nice house.

What was the “reading material” The Capuchin Annual and the Messenger?

KWAG2019

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

What was the “reading material” The Capuchin Annual and the Messenger?

The Messenger was always superior paper to The Far East. Beware of glossies lads. Poor absorption and liable to skid.

sligojoek

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

What was the “reading material” The Capuchin Annual and the Messenger?

Bullseye on the 'Messenger'. Never heard of the other one.

Brendan Bendar

KWAG2019 wrote: »

The Messenger was always superior paper to The Far East. Beware of glossies lads. Poor absorption and liable to skid.

Lad I knew was devoid of arse wad and the only thing he had on his person was an old Aer Lingus ticket cover.

Needs must,so he drew the said cover across his hoop, but unfortunately there was a a staple embedded in the unit and ripped the hole off him.

Took weeks to get back to normal, not reccomended.:eek:

Sharp MZ700

Amateur mistake that Brendan.
Have been caught short like that outdoors once or twice myself there's nothing handier than your own sock. Softer than the best 4ply around it's an absolute luxury and a must try for everyone at least once in a lifetime.
Distractions are not good lest you go putting it back on subconsciously. Wipe and throw,wipe and throw.

KWAG2019

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Amateur mistake that Brendan.
Have been caught short like that outdoors once or twice myself there's nothing handier than your own sock. Softer than the best 4ply around it's an absolute luxury and a must try for everyone at least once in a lifetime.
Distractions are not good lest you go putting it back on subconsciously. Wipe and throw,wipe and throw.

A good emergency step to know. On the other hand I’m now looking at hipsters in a very strange light. No socks like. What we thought was fashion lads might be very sinister.

EmmetSpiceland

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Amateur mistake that Brendan.
Have been caught short like that outdoors once or twice myself there's nothing handier than your own sock. Softer than the best 4ply around it's an absolute luxury and a must try for everyone at least once in a lifetime.
Distractions are not good lest you go putting it back on subconsciously. Wipe and throw,wipe and throw.

The sock would be my “go to” as well, S.

Have never had to avail of its “services” in that regard but, tell me, which side did you use? The outside that has been stuck in your smelly shoe or the inside that’s been stewed over your sweaty feet?

I’d go outside as I’d fear some form of weird “cross contamination”. Wouldn’t fancy suffering from some weird fungal fronds sprouting across my hole, a dose of “athlete’s arse”, as it were.

Your input on this matter, not my hole, would be appreciated.

Sharp MZ700

I've used both inside and out E, I'd actually go inner preferably as at least if I did catch athlete's arse the same ointment would do my feet and hairy canyon.
I'm sure there's medical research out there disputes my reasoning but it beats having to contend with unknown bacteria on the inside of my boot or shoe.

What troubles me more is the reusability of the sock. Something akin to those rubbish pickers the council lads use, only a pocket version which would turn the sock inside out and conceal the shìt pebbles and fecal vomit inside, pop it in a freezer bag( I know I know), and save it in the glovecatch for the next nature excursion. Less environmental impact, four wipes per pair.

Am I overthinking this?