What's the etiquette here??

KWAG2019

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

The diversions this thread takes always surprise, I can see some xmas recipes coming soon.

Recipes, Outgoings and Remedies I hope 9. On another note the "aytin" houses referred to by the esteemed Dr. B. Bendar should form the basis of a list of establishments to frequent or avoid as the need arises.

Many's the man been laid low by them: the sign that lured the country cousins to their toilet purgatory for many years was "Meat Teas". It could be seen in the environs of Croker as the hungover multitudes marched from Connolly or Heuston.

Dehydrated and full of bilious porter from the journey with no chance of "relief" on the train as the traps were blocked from the first wave of passengers they plunged recklessly into the embrace of the Meat Tea Madam. God knows what meat it was but the first 21 yard free of the match would see the afflicted rush headlong from the stands and terraces to the concrete pillboxes. Win or lose was irrelevant after that, it was a grim fight for survival. The "aytin" house brought it all back. Good times.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

What!

Input and Output dude.

Jaysus, you can’t concentrate on one issue without taking account of the other issue.

Causality my friend.... like ... how can I ingest a half kilo of blown curry and not reference that action to the shower of buckshot which peppered the pan and coated the pewter with a spray of fawn midden two hours later?


Cause and event ,pal.


Fcuking standard operating procedure...

Strikes me a general operative sort, Brendan.

tgdaly

tgdaly wrote: »

Having a bit of a disaster with my toilet trips this week lads. On a training week in Dublin so getting the train early and on the cheap coffee which I wreckon is the cause of my trouble.

Arrived to the training place Monday morning and had to pinch out a chocolate hot dog straight away. One of those horrible little cramped toilets with your legs practically up against your chin, and ended up being an infinite wipe moment, might as well been running the tp over a brown highlighter. Didn't learn my lesson anyways, had a coffee and peanut butter donut on the train later, beef stir fry then for dinner and shot out a watery load in the downstairs toilet.

Yesterday had a nice normal drop off but was a bit bunged up and didn't "ship the goods" till I got caught short on the train home.

Today the coffee was really running through me, dropped a scuttery buttery load not too long after lunch. Bit of a nightmare this evening, not long after standing up to leave I had a fight or flight moment of my own, felt the rumble in the jungle, was on the ropes and knew I needed to go but didn't have much time having to get the Luas and make my train home. Decided to fight on like Ali, made it to the station, straight onto the train and dropped the jeans and unloaded a flurry of shots as they might say in boxing.

Always feel a bit unclean getting caught short and having to go on the train. One thing I'd have to say though, they give a great flush. Could do with a bit more water in them (I get it's probably not possible as the movement of the train would cause many a spillage), but they have great suction and move on the load with some force They could probably shift a Swiss roll with no effort

Still not right lads, something definitely gone wrong in the septic tank must have been something I ate. Got in the door yesterday evening and spewed out another gallon of brown water, and again before bed. I've lost count of how many times I've gone today, the hoop is in agony, spraying out nothing but hot oxtail all day. Looking forward to getting home and putting a bit of cold water and or baby wipes on the area. Feels like someone rubbed a habanero over my Johnny onion ring, definitely a spicy ring now

Stevieluvsye

tgdaly wrote: »

Still not right lads, something definitely gone wrong in the septic tank must have been something I ate. Got in the door yesterday evening and spewed out another gallon of brown water, and again before bed. I've lost count of how many times I've gone today, the hoop is in agony, spraying out nothing but hot oxtail all day. Looking forward to getting home and putting a bit of cold water and or baby wipes on the area. Feels like someone rubbed a habanero over my Johnny onion ring, definitely a spicy ring now

That's a bug you have. "Going around" as the old saying goes. Plenty of Uisce in to ye. Stick to soup (Not the sherry type), nice thick chicken soup, you'll be brand new by Saturday

Voodoomelon

tgdaly wrote: »

Still not right lads, something definitely gone wrong in the septic tank must have been something I ate. Got in the door yesterday evening and spewed out another gallon of brown water, and again before bed. I've lost count of how many times I've gone today, the hoop is in agony, spraying out nothing but hot oxtail all day. Looking forward to getting home and putting a bit of cold water and or baby wipes on the area. Feels like someone rubbed a habanero over my Johnny onion ring, definitely a spicy ring now

That sounds like a bug I had a few weeks back; sprayed the pan with muddy water, stood up for a wipe and no sooner had I flushed the evidence away, I got an agonising rumble below indicating round two was on the way. Dumb and Dumber style stuff, the splashback was horrendous, akin to directing a pressure washer into a puddle.

After using two trees of paper and much sweating, I wasn't happy with my overall "demeanor" so instead of pulling the trousers up, off they came along with everything else and stepped into the shower for a good "rinse". Came out clean as a whistle.

Sharp MZ700

Voodoomelon wrote: »

That sounds like a bug I had a few weeks back; sprayed the pan with muddy water, stood up for a wipe and no sooner had I flushed the evidence away, I got an agonising rumble below indicating round two was on the way. Dumb and Dumber style stuff, the splashback was horrendous, akin to directing a pressure washer into a puddle.

After using two trees of paper and much sweating, I wasn't happy with my overall "demeanor" so instead of pulling the trousers up, off they came along with everything else and stepped into the shower for a good "rinse". Came out clean as a whistle.

Upgraded to a rainwater shower there a few years back V, herself wanted one of those extra handheld rinsers so one we got. It's a great job, up there with the George Foreman.
If ever there's a chance of dried out clags threatening the chassis or the likelihood of Newton's Dangleberry Cradle developing there's nothing quite like it....Open up the two back legs and powerhose that arse canyon like a motherf<cker.

Like your man looking for the WiFi in the basement though, certain sick kernts would take it too far ending up with a clogged shower head, and nobody wants that

NeinNeinNein

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Strikes me a general operative sort, Brendan.

No harm Mr Flash, the Anco man keeps sayin he'll get me apprenticid some day soon.

Nevin Parsnipp

Eased out two meaty chubbs of midden this morn after a generous input of dark beer last nite.

Feeling much better.

Thank you...

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Eased out two meaty chubbs of midden this morn after a generous input of dark beer last nite.

Feeling much better.

Thank you...

Fchuukerr bang probably lifted tiles off the wall, dude.

Did you have to give them a prod with the ‘turkey fork’ to shift them.

Give it a good wipe down before Xmas, pal.

JohnnyFlash

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Eased out two meaty chubbs of midden this morn after a generous input of dark beer last nite.

Feeling much better.

Thank you...

Was on my way to play 9 holes of golf this morning and decided I’d call into that Supermacs in the Circle K there at Stockhole Lane for an epic Super Fry and a mug of tea.

Fücking place wasn’t open. Decided I’d go for a shïte then seeing as I’d gone out of my way. Headed into the first cube and lifted the seat. Some cünt had left a massive ‘William the Third’ floating there. First half a foot of it was above the waterline and the smell was outrageous.

All this before 8am on a day of rest and leisure. In a foul mood since and shot 6 over for 9 holes. Not good. Gonna have to give Pat McDonagh a shout on the blower to complain.

Lewis_Benson

Here's a joke in the spirit of this thread.



Have you heard the story about the constipated mathimatition?

He worked it out with a pencil?

tgdaly

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Here's a joke in the spirit of this thread.



Have you heard the story about the constipated mathimatition?

He worked it out with a pencil?

I'd say Pythagoras came up with his theorem while passing out a big log, that Greek food probably does some job on the lower intestine

EmmetSpiceland

tgdaly wrote: »

I'd say Pythagoras came up with his theorem while passing out a big log, that Greek food probably does some job on the lower intestine

Considering he was a strict vegetarian, although he, allegedly, didn’t eat beans, you’d have to imagine he “bunted” out some industrial sized logs.

tgdaly

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Considering he was a strict vegetarian, although he, allegedly, didn’t eat beans, you’d have to imagine he “bunted” out some industrial sized logs.

Didn't know he was a vegetarian E. Just shows you the value of this thread, the learning goes beyond toilet etiquette. Could be some value to National Archives

Sharp MZ700

Speaking of vegetarians, I've a brother in law too lazy to start his own frying pan, considers himself vegetarian but I can see right through the f<cker.
Fodders on veggie burgers and tins of sweet corn mostly, and I gotta hand it to the kernt, he'd blow the front door off with one of his farts. He'd drown out a foghorn such is the intensity of the rippers he let's off. And god help anyone brave enough to take on the bathroom after he's done a number 2, it's a Grade 1 hazchem environment in there.
I'd love to do the rabbit diet just to see could I achieve similar octave levels, but haven't the heart and I'd only be wasting my time.

Aglomerado

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Considering he was a strict vegetarian, although he, allegedly, didn’t eat beans, you’d have to imagine he “bunted” out some industrial sized logs.

Some tzatziki I ate in Corfu once was 98% garlic, nearly had to strap a toilet to my arse all day I was that bad.

sligojoek

I like to sh1t at home and hate doing 'it' anywhere else

I was down in Tipperary at the "ancestoral home" since Friday, drinking with my brother. Before \i left today I had to let a load go. Into their downstairs jacks I went goosestepping. After dropping the 18 inches there was no wiping. But the smell was horrendous.

I got a text from his wife as I was passing through Roscommon.

"Joe, Don't ever **** in my house again"

Bullocks

sligojoek wrote: »

I like to sh1t at home and hate doing 'it' anywhere else

I was down in Tipperary at the "ancestoral home" since Friday, drinking with my brother. Before \i left today I had to let a load go. Into their downstairs jacks I went goosestepping. After dropping the 18 inches there was no wiping. But the smell was horrendous.

I got a text from his wife as I was passing through Roscommon.

"Joe, Don't ever **** in my house again"

What was the reply to that Joe?
Will the brother "repay" you when he is your house next?
I believe the whole Joyce fued started from similar actions so be careful how you go

Hector Savage

Speaking of vegetarians seemingly having woeful chites, I always assumed human/dog/cat etc chites smelled so bad was cos we ate meat.

Cow**** is pretty harmless as is sheep/goat crap - just grass really.

What is it about the human digestive system that makes it so ****ing rank ?

Borderfox

The bogs in our factory were freezing today, I'm in a cubicle with a north face jacket on to stay warm while making a sticky deposit. Stuck to everything too, was hanging on for dear life for three flushes

Sharp MZ700

sligojoek wrote: »

I like to sh1t at home and hate doing 'it' anywhere else

I was down in Tipperary at the "ancestoral home" since Friday, drinking with my brother. Before \i left today I had to let a load go. Into their downstairs jacks I went goosestepping. After dropping the 18 inches there was no wiping. But the smell was horrendous.

I got a text from his wife as I was passing through Roscommon.

"Joe, Don't ever **** in my house again"

I'd be clingfilming under all the toilet seats the next time she's visiting Joe.

partyguinness

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

I'd be clingfilming under all the toilet seats the next time she's visiting Joe.

Clingfilming your own toilet does seem a tad counterproductive.

Sharp MZ700

partyguinness wrote: »

Clingfilming your own toilet does seem a tad counterproductive.

It'll be the test of her character whether she'll discreetly tidy it up or immediately vacate the premises, which at that stage her husband, Joe's brother, will have to step in and clean it up. If he doesn't, it's not a very strong marriage .
It's a precarious step I will admit that, but texting like that is just rude.

partyguinness

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

It'll be the test of her character whether she'll discreetly tidy it up or immediately vacate the premises, which at that stage her husband, Joe's brother, will have to step in and clean it up. If he doesn't, it's not a very strong marriage .
It's a precarious step I will admit that, but texting like that is just rude.

How very Spartan but sending a text like that was below the belt and uncalled for.

To crank up the pressure, it might be an idea to make sure there is no paper, towels or cleaning products of any description in the toilet to see how she copes. A discreet camera might provide enjoyable viewing for decades to come.

If she crumbles under the pressure then you can take the high moral ground in that she "failed" a true test of character.

Sharp MZ700

That could be comedy gold right there PG. It'd definitely be an online hit, could be a handy revenue stream if Joe was so inclined.

Hector Savage

^^ agree lads but the whole "camera in the toilet" angle, I'd leave that one out - could open up very very dangerous litigation areas ...as well as just being creepy as f*ck, you should always own your perversions, like me - I just hide behind the shower curtain when my sister in law uses our WC.

KWAG2019

I’d suggest a delayed reaction retaliation. No point having her mess up on your premises. A selection of tasty snacks, carefully prepared, designed to bind up then deliver explosive release several days later might be the way to go. When the waft of her own delights overpowers her Aldi perfume and forces the dog to vomit she’ll regret her Mrs Bouquet house proud posing. But retaliation there has to be.

The thread expects Joe, the thread expects.

partyguinness

KWAG2019 wrote: »

I’d suggest a delayed reaction retaliation. No point having her mess up on your premises. A selection of tasty snacks, carefully prepared, designed to bind up then deliver explosive release several days later might be the way to go. When the waft of her own delights overpowers her Aldi perfume and forces the dog to vomit she’ll regret her Mrs Bouquet house proud posing. But retaliation there has to be.

The thread expects Joe, the thread expects.

That's the idea. Let her have her "Dumb & Dumber" toilet moment on the drive back to Tipp. Encourage them to take the scenic route home- well away from any sort of facilities. Let her unload somewhere in the Mudlands like Offaly or Longford. See how the marriage holds up with her squatting away on the side of the road. Bonus if she falls into the ditch.

Sharp MZ700

"A cup of tea before ye go?"

sligojoek

Bullocks wrote: »

What was the reply to that Joe?
Will the brother "repay" you when he is your house next?
I believe the whole Joyce fued started from similar actions so be careful how you go

I sent her a teary eyed smiley.

Myself and the brother will be sharing a hotel room in Dublin next week. He'll probably leave a "deposit" for me then.