What's the etiquette here??

In the trap at work earlier, having finished my business and getting the paperwork sorted when some clown enters the trap next door. A serious breach of etiquette, but it gets worse. A moment later and I can hear him watching a show on Netflix on his phone. At least have the decency to wear headphones ffs.

perrito caliente

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Was it missionary? Did you do a Van Gogh on the wall behind you? Did ye cuddle?

Missionary, her on top, from behind, and everything in between. I didn't stop when I realised what was happening.

Bullocks

perrito caliente wrote: »

Missionary, her on top, from behind, and everything in between. I didn't stop when I realised what was happening.

That was some days work, I don't know where you found the strength to keep going from.

NeinNeinNein

perrito caliente wrote: »

Was up in Westport for the holidays and ran into a young lady I spent a night with about seven or eight years ago.

I won't tell the whole story as it's not fair to the lass, but while we were having sex I shat the bed, rather abundantly it must be said, and the next morning the whole duvet had to be bundled up and disposed of as it was thick with slurry. I had to laugh though, because as we locked eyes, she was devouring a few of those miniature cadbury's chocolate gateaus.

Love stories begin in Westport.

JohnnyFlash

fuerte1976 wrote: »

That was a horrendous breach of etiquette.
Wonder what caused it...

Nordies - a very sour and bad-tempered sort of people. Probably overreacted to some perceived slight.

mobileforest

Stewie Griffin wrote: »

I'm here to get a refresher on witticisms that may be uttered in the wake of a loud and sonorous fart in a public facility. .

My father's classic was "Oh speak again o toothless one, share us your wisdom".

Another classic is "would you like some popsicle sticks to scrap the backs of your legs with?"

A friend's dad used to say "Oh speak again o chocolate lips" or "message from a@sehole, sh1te on the way".

Another would be "my your voice has changed, but your breath still stinks".

Finally, not so much a witty comment but an honest approach to the subject I think. A friend who once worked in an university library told me that a very hungover student once came into the reading room, stood, and declared loudly to the room that he was going to fart and if anyone didn't like it they could leave. He then let go a blast that echoed in the giant chamber. Next he sat down and quietly studied for the rest of the day.

DEFTLEFTHAND

Was out at a 40th last night. I wasn't really in the mood and my hole wasn't seaworthy. About two hours into the festivities a main hatch way gave in and I took on a severe list to starboard. I limped into the jacks and blew off the ballast to correct the list.

Flushed the jocks into the hole and took on another few long tonnes of porter.

Brendan Bendar

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

Was out at a 40th last night. I wasn't really in the mood and my hole wasn't seaworthy. About two hours into the festivities a main hatch way gave in and I took on a severe list to starboard. I limped into the jacks and blew off the ballast to correct the list.

Flushed the jocks into the hole and took on another few long tonnes of porter.

Seafaring lad are we?

mobileforest

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Seafaring lad are we?

I doubt it. He flushed his jocks. Every sailor knows that you never put anything into the 'head' unless you've eaten it first.

lawred2

perrito caliente wrote: »

Was up in Westport for the holidays and ran into a young lady I spent a night with about seven or eight years ago.

I won't tell the whole story as it's not fair to the lass, but while we were having sex I shat the bed, rather abundantly it must be said, and the next morning the whole duvet had to be bundled up and disposed of as it was thick with slurry. I had to laugh though, because as we locked eyes, she was devouring a few of those miniature cadbury's chocolate gateaus.

The NEXT morning?

You mean you both slept in your sh"he?

Brendan Bendar

mobileforest wrote: »

I doubt it. He flushed his jocks. Every sailor knows that you never put anything into the 'head' unless you've eaten it first.

Excellent observation, mobile.

JuanBerrosa

armaghlad wrote: »

You say it like it’s a bad thing. I’m a big advocate of maintaining the “rear garden” and there is a certain sense of satisfaction to be had with the increased bass.

Also comes in handy in the work place, if like me you work in a predominately male environment. Us alpha males need to emphasise our dominance and loud flatulence is a sign of disrespect to your lesser colleagues whilst also laying down a marker as your role as numero uno in the office.

I especially enjoy performing such acts whilst walking past a seated colleague, it really lets them know their place in the food chain. I wouldn’t advise such displays of dominance in the presence of female colleagues; however if one was so inclined, and with the proper execution, an “SBD” can always be released and blame placed on the office scivvy.

And working in IT - there should be plenty of fat smelly incels about the office to blame that on - nice suggestion.

Hotblack Desiato

The dreaded "soft serve" this afternoon. Bristol Scale 6, the worst of all.

Nothing worse than a brown 99 coming out of your arse-nozzle sideways and giving one or both cheeks a solid coating.

Got nowhere with the wiping. Had to sit on the edge of the bath and hose it off.

Even then, still got the ring sting.

The pure liquid "consommé" Bristol Scale 7 firing out of the hole would have been less unpleasant. And a 4, 3 or 2 would have been heaven. I'm not that fussy like.

Nevin Parsnipp

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

The dreaded "soft serve" this afternoon. Bristol Scale 6, the worst of all.

Nothing worse than a brown 99 coming out of your arse-nozzle sideways and giving one or both cheeks a solid coating.

Got nowhere with the wiping. Had to sit on the edge of the bath and hose it off.

Even then, still got the ring sting.

The pure liquid "consommé" Bristol Scale 7 firing out of the hole would have been less unpleasant. And a 4, 3 or 2 would have been heaven. I'm not that fussy like.

Exiting the arse nozzel sideways is a classic result of ar$e clag build up...where one side of the hoop is blocked up by dried in sh1te and matted hair.

You sound like a dude who needs the Bidet cleanse after every evac.

Strongly recommend designating one of your old face cloths (preferably a brightly coloured rough one) for hoop cleaning duties.

Correct and constant use will result in a straight spool...whatever the consistency and a cure for that annoying anal itch which accompanies the above condition.

PS Brightly coloured so you don't mistake it for one of the "regulars"

Rough....self explanatory.

Hotblack Desiato

armaghlad wrote: »

You say it like it’s a bad thing. I’m a big advocate of maintaining the “rear garden” and there is a certain sense of satisfaction to be had with the increased bass.

Must be quite the "furry glen" you're dealing with, there. Thick vegetation, maybe a petrol powered strimmer is called for - or a generous spraying of Roundup.

Also comes in handy in the work place, if like me you work in a predominately male environment. Us alpha males need to emphasise our dominance and loud flatulence is a sign of disrespect to your lesser colleagues whilst also laying down a marker as your role as numero uno in the office.

No better buachaill than Colonel Gadaffi himself, was fond of flatulating in the presence of foreign dignatories silly enough to be embarrassed by that sort of basic bodily function, but it worked in his favour. Until he got killed like.

I especially enjoy performing such acts whilst walking past a seated colleague, it really lets them know their place in the food chain. I wouldn’t advise such displays of dominance in the presence of female colleagues; however if one was so inclined, and with the proper execution, an “SBD” can always be released and blame placed on the office scivvy.

Sounds pretty sexist to me, in this day and age there's no reason to spare the "fairer sex" the full blast, you're doing them a disservice if anything. Embrace equality and all.

Hotblack Desiato

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Exiting the arse nozzel sideways is a classic result of ar$e clag build up...where one side of the hoop is blocked up by dried in sh1te and matted hair.

You sound like a dude who needs the Bidet cleanse after every evac.

Strongly recommend designating one of your old face cloths (preferably a brightly coloured rough one) for hoop cleaning duties.

Correct and constant use will result in a straight spool...whatever the consistency and a cure for that annoying anal itch which accompanies the above condition.

PS Brightly coloured so you don't mistake it for one of the "regulars"

Rough....self explanatory.

I can assure you that said exit nozzle, pre-deposit, was cleaner than your dinner plate.

That's the magic of Bristol Scale 6, not dense enough to drop straight down under gravity. Not loose enough to spray straight out. It's like standing on a toothpaste tube and there's no predicting where it goes. Chaos theory in action.

That said, I still can't figure out how the nation which invented Guinness still refuses to embrace the bidet. As I've said above, improvisation is often essential. If I win the lotto, damn right I'm getting one of those Toto pots in.

Hotblack Desiato

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I see cottaging trips to the Blue Mountains and brown paper bags becoming important shopping requisites in the Paddington area.

Not good vibes John.

Mrs D and my good self had the pleasure of spending part of the first week of our honeymoon in 2006 in the Blue Mountains area. 'Twas very gay even then, but our hosts were very pleasant and polite and correct. I was even given a free bottle of Boag's - NB that was the only thing I was offered.

Then we went off to the Hunter Valley on wine tours and got rat-arsed.

Brendan Bendar

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Mrs D and my good self had the pleasure of spending part of the first week of our honeymoon in 2006 in the Blue Mountains area. 'Twas very gay even then, but our hosts were very pleasant and polite and correct. I was even given a free bottle of Boag's - NB that was the only thing I was offered.

Then we went off to the Hunter Valley on wine tours and got rat-arsed.

Yes, lovely spot Dee, can be a bit ‘high on their heels’ as you say.

Could be a tad smokey now unfortunately.

Brendan Bendar

Just after blowing out a ripe porridgy load.......had to work the brush hard lads.

Hector Savage

Happy new year all, had a good break with plenty of loads deposited, I am for the 1st time in my life overweight, my BMI is just touching 25 ... so I have definetely overdone it this Christmas, doing my best to rid myself of as much possible weight in the form of buttery loads of rancid arse slurry - of course I'll keep you all posted.

But the reason I am posting today is , I had a dilema over the weekend, was over at the inlaws and the setup there is the parents in law have their own en suite, there is one WC for everyone to use and there is another upstairs - which is usually free and no one normally stays upstairs so its peaceful up there and I do enhjoy escaping up there with a book and spending a good 20 mins on the throne whilst reading.
Spacious jacks too, unlike the one downstairs where my knees are practically against the wall whilst sitting down.
This weekend the brother in law and his missus were also staying, and they are upstairs - and pretty much is their bathroom while they are here ... so was forced to use the downstairs jacks to my dissapointment.

They left earlier on Sunday so I saved up a big load and headed up with my _Doctor Sleep_ and was looking forward to a nice read.....

What greeted me though was unexpected - I noticed a small brown mark on the porcelain and I lifted the seat to check - to be presented with a load of splashes of dried midden on the underside of the seat and the side of the porcelain - the rim .... fecking disgusting!!!

MEanwhile I hear the mother in law pottering about upstairs and I'm thinking WTF is she doing up here!! and now she knows I'm in the jacks so I can't leave it like this , I don't want to be blamed !!
So what do I do ??? - Well I had to clean it didn't I .... washed my hands about 50 times after .... f*cking vile, never thought I'd get so intimate with my brother in law ... I cannot possibly imagine it's his hot blonde girlfriend.

So anyway I did my business and only read about a page and a half of _Doctor Sleep_ (great read btw ... highly recommend it) couldn't concentrate and left me in foul form to be honest.

Told the wife and she couldn't believe it, now we are thinking it was someone else (as on the saturday night we had a load of people over for dinner) - and now I'm paranoid that the brother in law might think it was me ... cos he knows I'm partial to using that upstairs (usually) luxury jacks..


A real pickle anyway ...

partyguinness

Hector Savage wrote: »

Happy new year all, had a good break with plenty of loads deposited, I am for the 1st time in my life overweight, my BMI is just touching 25 ... so I have definetely overdone it this Christmas, doing my best to rid myself of as much possible weight in the form of buttery loads of rancid arse slurry - of course I'll keep you all posted.

But the reason I am posting today is , I had a dilema over the weekend, was over at the inlaws and the setup there is the parents in law have their own en suite, there is one WC for everyone to use and there is another upstairs - which is usually free and no one normally stays upstairs so its peaceful up there and I do enhjoy escaping up there with a book and spending a good 20 mins on the throne whilst reading.
Spacious jacks too, unlike the one downstairs where my knees are practically against the wall whilst sitting down.
This weekend the brother in law and his missus were also staying, and they are upstairs - and pretty much is their bathroom while they are here ... so was forced to use the downstairs jacks to my dissapointment.

They left earlier on Sunday so I saved up a big load and headed up with my _Doctor Sleep_ and was looking forward to a nice read.....

What greeted me though was unexpected - I noticed a small brown mark on the porcelain and I lifted the seat to check - to be presented with a load of splashes of dried midden on the underside of the seat and the side of the porcelain - the rim .... fecking disgusting!!!

MEanwhile I hear the mother in law pottering about upstairs and I'm thinking WTF is she doing up here!! and now she knows I'm in the jacks so I can't leave it like this , I don't want to be blamed !!
So what do I do ??? - Well I had to clean it didn't I .... washed my hands about 50 times after .... f*cking vile, never thought I'd get so intimate with my brother in law ... I cannot possibly imagine it's his hot blonde girlfriend.

So anyway I did my business and only read about a page and a half of _Doctor Sleep_ (great read btw ... highly recommend it) couldn't concentrate and left me in foul form to be honest.

Told the wife and she couldn't believe it, now we are thinking it was someone else (as on the saturday night we had a load of people over for dinner) - and now I'm paranoid that the brother in law might think it was me ... cos he knows I'm partial to using that upstairs (usually) luxury jacks..


A real pickle anyway ...

I am sorry to point out that your BIL and the hot blonde do not share your deep rooted and meaningful quest for "enlightenment". The undeniable fact seems to be that regardless of who showed the jax such disrespect, your BIL and/or hot blonde left the jax in that state. Some people have no class.

If you had left as is guaranteed MIL would have taken the opportunity to have a quick spring clean while the place was empty. Cue a lot of passive aggressive huffing and puffing up and down the stairs in marigolds clutching bottles of Flash and Mr Muscle. She may well have taken you aside later on for a quiet word or even publicly shamed you over dinner. Your frame of mind would have taken a dark more sinister twist with revenge in your mind. Scarred for life and probably christened by the family with a new suitable nickname to boot. Stuff of nightmares.

You were left with no choice. As you are honorable and au fait with porcelain etiquette you had to clean it. Leaving it as is and taking a bullet may be appropriate in the right scenario but this was not the right scenario. Your good name would have been besmirched forever. You did the right thing and I for one stand behind you in solidarity. Admittedly a good safe distance behind you.

Blowheads

Fine examples of good and bad etiquette right there

Cartman78

Indeed...it was very much a lose lose situation for poor Hector.....either potentially take the "heat" from the MIL for destroying the jacks or take the unenviable (but morally and etiquette-ally compliant) option of "cleaning" someone else's nuclear fallout from the bowl.

And I wouldn't rule the hot blonde out of the equation either. With all the protein "shakes", smoothies and "slimming" teas floating around these days, who knows what goes on behind closed trap doors.

Relieved to read that nobody on here appears to have "blown" a head gasket over the Christmas, or God forbid, worn the clutch out. Although I'd imagine some fellas could do with an oil change and new brake discs perhaps.

Anyways, stay safe chaps, it's a jungle out there

partyguinness

I would propose that you ask yourself the following question:

"Should I and why should I take a bullet for somebody else's bad etiquette?"

If you cannot think of any compelling reason that would not leave you on the hook then start reaching for the toilet brush and accept your fate. Life is not always fair.

Nevin Parsnipp

One thing this poster finds puzzling about the previous posts is ..How does anyone who is a guest in the in laws gaff...bring a fcucking BOOK with them for an evac in the "good" toilet ?

Surely after an absence of about 20 mins somebody is bound to say "Anyone seen Hector" ??

And Auntie Maud...her tongue loosened by couple of bumpers of sherry....will pipe up "He is havin a sh1te in the upstairs...I seen him head that way with a copy of the Daily Mirror"

And Uncle Cecil on his third tumbler of Paddy will say " Well he better come out soon cause I'm burstin for a sh1te...what did you put in that stuffin Breda".?

So Hec ..when he re-appears has to run the gauntlet of ribaldry from the assembled guests who are increasingly high on intoxicants ......

"Had a good sh1te Hec" ?

" Hope you clen up" ?

" Right fcukin bang around here " ?

"Pages o that paper are very sticky Hec" ?

Nah ! would never billet at the in laws for more than two days at a time ....and always check out distances to decent hotel kludgies !

Makes fcukin sense......

Pintman Paddy Losty

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

One thing this poster finds puzzling about the previous posts is ..How does anyone who is a guest in the in laws gaff...bring a fcucking BOOK with them for an evac in the "good" toilet ?

Surely after an absence of about 20 mins somebody is bound to say "Anyone seen Hector" ??

And Auntie Maud...her tongue loosened by couple of bumpers of sherry....will pipe up "He is havin a sh1te in the upstairs...I seen him head that way with a copy of the Daily Mirror"

And Uncle Cecil on his third tumbler of Paddy will say " Well he better come out soon cause I'm burstin for a sh1te...what did you put in that stuffin Breda".?

So Hec ..when he re-appears has to run the gauntlet of ribaldry from the assembled guests who are increasingly high on intoxicants ......

"Had a good sh1te Hec" ?

" Hope you clen up" ?

" Right fcukin bang around here " ?

"Pages o that paper are very sticky Hec" ?

Nah ! would never billet at the in laws for more than two days at a time ....and always check out distances to decent hotel kludgies !

Makes fcukin sense......

Don't agree with that advice at all Nevin. Frankly a very stupid opinion.

Doesn't matter where a man is, he shouldn't be rushing his evacuations. Could easily completely blow a gasket if you rush these things. End up with an arse like a burst bag of pink butcher's mince. Not pleasant. Maybe that's what happened you and has you so cantankerous??

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

One thing this poster finds puzzling about the previous posts is ..How does anyone who is a guest in the in laws gaff...bring a fcucking BOOK with them for an evac in the "good" toilet ?

Surely after an absence of about 20 mins somebody is bound to say "Anyone seen Hector" ??

And Auntie Maud...her tongue loosened by couple of bumpers of sherry....will pipe up "He is havin a sh1te in the upstairs...I seen him head that way with a copy of the Daily Mirror"

And Uncle Cecil on his third tumbler of Paddy will say " Well he better come out soon cause I'm burstin for a sh1te...what did you put in that stuffin Breda".?

So Hec ..when he re-appears has to run the gauntlet of ribaldry from the assembled guests who are increasingly high on intoxicants ......

"Had a good sh1te Hec" ?

" Hope you clen up" ?

" Right fcukin bang around here " ?

"Pages o that paper are very sticky Hec" ?

Nah ! would never billet at the in laws for more than two days at a time ....and always check out distances to decent hotel kludgies !

Makes fcukin sense......

Excellent strategy Nevin, the ‘fitness regime’ or ‘ New Year Res.’ is vital in this situation.

When there’s a baton round primed in the chamber with the distinct prospect of a ‘rimshot round’ the proper strategy is ,rather that to hit upstairs,to announce to the comatose mob.

“Right lads , made an ‘NYR ‘more exercise, goin out for a quick walk to fulfil my promise”... Then out the door in a flash, as NeVin said, to an adjacent hotel and splatther the furniture with rich ripe buckshot.

No fear of Auntie Maud rattling the door and shouting..” Open the fcuking door I’m touchin’ fcuking silk here”

If no Hotel... over the nearest wall........fire and forget.

Simples.

Nevin Parsnipp

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Don't agree with that advice at all Nevin. Frankly a very stupid opinion.

Doesn't matter where a man is, he shouldn't be rushing his evacuations. Could easily completely blow a gasket if you rush these things. End up with an arse like a burst bag of pink butcher's mince. Not pleasant. Maybe that's what happened you and has you so cantankerous??

Nothin stupid about it Losty...unlike your ill tempered missive which I will print out and put in the golf bag for use in "on course emergencies".

If you bothered to read my post there is no advice to rush an imminent evac...".au contraire" as they say in China...the advice was to ensure that there was a good hotel kludgy in range to promote a restful, peaceful, full and complete release of any backed up bull skutter

Although in your case I fear there are not enough hours in the day for that.

Good day to you Sir !

Hector Savage

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

One thing this poster finds puzzling about the previous posts is ..How does anyone who is a guest in the in laws gaff...bring a fcucking BOOK with them for an evac in the "good" toilet ?

Surely after an absence of about 20 mins somebody is bound to say "Anyone seen Hector" ??

And Auntie Maud...her tongue loosened by couple of bumpers of sherry....will pipe up "He is havin a sh1te in the upstairs...I seen him head that way with a copy of the Daily Mirror"

And Uncle Cecil on his third tumbler of Paddy will say " Well he better come out soon cause I'm burstin for a sh1te...what did you put in that stuffin Breda".?

So Hec ..when he re-appears has to run the gauntlet of ribaldry from the assembled guests who are increasingly high on intoxicants ......

"Had a good sh1te Hec" ?

" Hope you clen up" ?

" Right fcukin bang around here " ?

"Pages o that paper are very sticky Hec" ?

Nah ! would never billet at the in laws for more than two days at a time ....and always check out distances to decent hotel kludgies !

Makes fcukin sense......

This house is a funny design, the upstairs is almost like another house, no one knows you are there - I would never take a book or spend longer then 5 mins in the "living" level jacks.


People will never try to use that one - unless the BIL + his mrs are over as they stay in the bedroom on this level - which is why I hadn't been using it whilst they were staying.

Thats why I was shocked when I heard the MIL pottering about - I thought "What the F*CK is she doing here!!!?" - first time in more than 10 years....

Hector Savage

Speaking of reading in the jacks, I do like a good read, but I always do it discreetly, I knew one lad who used to do it in work !!! seriously, he worked in a printing place and the boss even told him to stop, so he used to smuggle the book in !!

Can you imagine what was said about him in the place .... years later he worked in a regular office and I guess he must have done it there too ...