What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Admit to being partial to a slab o cider pal ...Woodgate from Lidle is to be recommended .

No Blue harbor gear nor rotted crotch neither ....

Top o the range Okanui shorts if you must know...nothin bogan about "The Nev" !

Duddnt want to dhhrift off topic anymore, but spotted a set of Okanui shorts well doused in watery scutther hanging out of a litter bin in the local area recently.

Couple of terns trying to pull the fcuker out.

Guy with a mask staggering away from the unit.

Any ideas?

JohnnyFlash

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Admit to being partial to a slab o cider pal ...Woodgate from Lidle is to be recommended .

No Blue harbor gear nor rotted crotch neither ....

Top o the range Okanui shorts if you must know...nothin bogan about "The Nev" !

Sandals and Gant socks as well?

Urethral Buttercup

Blew out a few knobbly small loads at work today, nearly chipped the varnish off the glassware, terminal velocity pellets but stealthy like a silenced pistol, just a wet soppy sound as the purse lips opened and closed, but with a rich smell of porcini mushrooms, which makes sense, coz that's what I've been eating. Living on expensive mushrooms and bottles of wine three times the value of my usual fare since the season of the virus began.

A-N-Y-W-A-Y, reason I'm bothering to tell this yarn is because the flusher on the jax has been wonky for a while, and you have to lean in and apply a fair degree of manual pressure and weight usually to get the water to flow, but today I pushed and I pushed, leaning into the large square button for what seemed like eternity, a daisychain of multicoloured pubes and detritus shimmying my levis, and I started to hear a very distant sound like an airplane coming in to land from a very great height, distant but getting louder and louder, and indeed the building I work in has many floors, and I keep leaning into the button, and the sound gets closer and louder, sounds like a randy sweating rhino in the tunnels of Hades chasing a fleeing ellen degeneres for a session of unwanted deep penetration, and then the sound became almost unbearable, so that the back of the toilet wall started shaking, and I swear to phuck a torrent of absolute slime and mixed, aged excrement started pumping into the bowl from where the water should be coming, filling up like creamy thick rum and raisin fudge and I fled the scene boys, and I didn't look back.

Bullocks

Urethral Buttercup wrote: »

Blew out a few knobbly small loads at work today, nearly chipped the varnish off the glassware, terminal velocity pellets but stealthy like a silenced pistol, just a wet soppy sound as the purse lips opened and closed, but with a rich smell of porcini mushrooms, which makes sense, coz that's what I've been eating. Living on expensive mushrooms and bottles of wine three times the value of my usual fare since the season of the virus began.

A-N-Y-W-A-Y, reason I'm bothering to tell this yarn is because the flusher on the jax has been wonky for a while, and you have to lean in and apply a fair degree of manual pressure and weight usually to get the water to flow, but today I pushed and I pushed, leaning into the large square button for what seemed like eternity, a daisychain of multicoloured pubes and detritus shimmying my levis, and I started to hear a very distant sound like an airplane coming in to land from a very great height, distant but getting louder and louder, and indeed the building I work in has many floors, and I keep leaning into the button, and the sound gets closer and louder, sounds like a randy sweating rhino in the tunnels of Hades chasing a fleeing ellen degeneres for a session of unwanted deep penetration, and then the sound became almost unbearable, so that the back of the toilet wall started shaking, and I swear to phuck a torrent of absolute slime and mixed, aged excrement started pumping into the bowl from where the water should be coming, filling up like creamy thick rum and raisin fudge and I fled the scene boys, and I didn't look back.

Some dirty article top decked it!

Pintman Paddy Losty

Slideways wrote: »

Not always the blokes to blame and in modern times it’s important to remember the fairer sex can drop nukes too.

Indeed I was house sharing with a nurse from Mauritius for a few years, stocky lass and I never was tempted to stray into the other room in my time there.

She was fond of the creole style cooking and often let a squeaky fart out when she thought I wasn’t within earshot.

Anyway, got up in the middle of the night for a slash and walked squinty eyes to the throne so as not to wake fully from my slumber. Was pissing like a race horse aiming by pure sound in the dark when it hit me. Like a sledge hammer to my olfactory system. Stopped mid-stream and turned on the light. Sweet mother of god. It was like someone had mixed paella with an Easter egg and melted it over a stove. The flow had broken it up and all hell had been awoken. Had a stern talking to her, she claimed it must have mis-flushed

Maybe Andreas77 had called over to cook that evening?

Lewis_Benson

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Yeah...thanx Lewis....meant steak...for sure ..for sure.


Bye ...bye .bye ...bye ...bye ..by....b .....:D

Bye now

Sober Crappy Chemis

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Maybe Andreas77 had called over to cook that evening?

Yeah, that 'scooping' that he often spoke about sounded like hungry work (In a manner of speaking).

Brendan Bendar

Sober Crappy Chemis wrote: »

Yeah, that 'scooping' that he often spoke about sounded like hungry work (In a manner of speaking).

Seems to like the sloppery action, so he does.

Kernt.

JohnnyFlash

Been making my own brown bread for the past few weeks. Must say I've seen a massive improvement in the consistency of my stools as a result of eating half a loaf each day. Plenty of salads as well, which I'd say can do no harm.

Shunted out a massive example this morning. The head of it was starting to drown in the bowl while the end of it was still saying goodbye to my colon. Have felt very light all day. Gonna have 12 cans of Guinness tonight to celebrate.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Been making my own brown bread for the past few weeks. Must say I've seen a massive improvement in the consistency of my stools as a result of eating half a loaf each day. Plenty of salads as well, which I'd say can do no harm.

Shunted out a massive example this morning. The head of it was starting to drown in the bowl while the end of it was still saying goodbye to my colon. Have felt very light all day. Gonna have 12 cans of Guinness tonight to celebrate.

Did you tweet the shït farm, dude.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Did you tweet the shït farm, dude.

I didn’t. Ringsend will be well able to deal with that ‘best in class’.

Sober Crappy Chemis

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Did you tweet the shït farm, dude.

Is there a shiitter Twitter?

Urethral Buttercup

What ever happened to the filthy kernt that was all about that workday ****? Did he top himself or wot? Fierce sweaty smell under the hood along with a coating of mackerel grime, a poisonous miasma escaping out through the cheapo slacks for all to marvel in the customer care centre by evening I imagine. Won't be missed.

Urethral Buttercup

Sober Crappy Chemis wrote: »

Is there a shiitter Twitter?

I say this brennar dude has one of those little flip phones, tiny little screen on it, with a whole gallery of 'diary' shots in two million megapixels of his turds going back 18 months.

EmmetSpiceland

Quick question here, folks. I “stocked up” a bit on the old jacks roll when this “crisis” was kicking off and on one of the shop runs I picked up a few 4 packs of this scented big roll.

The regular stuff has been burned through so I’m down to the 5 pack of the flavoured “jojoba” stuff and the 12 pack of this cheap 1 ply nonsense. It’s like bible paper, for heaven’s sake.

Obviously, I’m looking at opening the “smelly roll” first, really not looking forward to the accidental fingering when that 1 ply stuff “splits”. Bound to happen a few times.

Anyway, what I’m asking is, does anyone have any experience with “scented” toilet roll. Are there any dangers of allergic reaction? Irritation? Hoop discolouration? Odd, lingering, chemical smell? Malingering dangle-berries? Reoccurring “red eye”? Anal seepage? General weakening of ring piece integrity? Rectal itch?

My main concern is that it may burn. Should I use a test patch? Maybe tamp a single sheet up between my cheeks and leave it there for 30 minutes?

Any assistance with this matter would be, greatly, appreciated. Concern, and compassion, essential.

Let me know what you think.

IAMAMORON

Spice, just give thanks and praise to the options your early Covid paranoia enabled. Half a loaf is better than no bread, never complain about available resources all things considered. There is no lonelier avenue that the realisation that you have nothing to wipe your hole with after a decent shight.

Your musings brought me back to a public facility in Piraeus in the very early eighties. Bring yourself back to a time when telephones had curled wires dangling from their sides and public loos in Athenian suburbs were practical at best. Taking aim over a 2 foot line of half pipe sprayed and peppered by a fly ridden piece of tanned brown midden previously laid by one of Mesperiayan's desolate and deranged off spring. The rotten spurge of half nurtured Greek scutter actioned by an Oozo overdose at 3.30 in the morning... at 32 degrees Celsius.

In short a life changer , such torment is barely imaginable.

Don't forget sit down crappers in Greece were simply not available in 1981. Oh yeah, time to rest your drunken hands on two greasy metal bars nailed to the wall behind. Adopting a pose which resembles an advanced physiotherapy for a car crash victim. This is no time for pondering.

Think about the level of splash back rippling against the back of your poor squatting calves as you wince eyes closed into the steaming stench that remains. Your sandaled feet mired forever by the triple cocktailed flops of an unthinkable landing zone. Hell incarnate. The lowest low of the unenviable mid summer slurry.

Que dry retching and tears.

Sober Crappy Chemis

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Quick question here, folks. I “stocked up” a bit on the old jacks roll when this “crisis” was kicking off and on one of the shop runs I picked up a few 4 packs of this scented big roll.

The regular stuff has been burned through so I’m down to the 5 pack of the flavoured “jojoba” stuff and the 12 pack of this cheap 1 ply nonsense. It’s like bible paper, for heaven’s sake.

Obviously, I’m looking at opening the “smelly roll” first, really not looking forward to the accidental fingering when that 1 ply stuff “splits”. Bound to happen a few times.

Anyway, what I’m asking is, does anyone have any experience with “scented” toilet roll. Are there any dangers of allergic reaction? Irritation? Hoop discolouration? Odd, lingering, chemical smell? Malingering dangle-berries? Reoccurring “red eye”? Anal seepage? General weakening of ring piece integrity? Rectal itch?

My main concern is that it may burn. Should I use a test patch? Maybe tamp a single sheet up between my cheeks and leave it there for 30 minutes?

Any assistance with this matter would be, greatly, appreciated. Concern, and compassion, essential.

Let me know what you think.

One positive I found is that afterwards your flatulence is scented like fruits of the forest.

Fireball81

Urethral Buttercup wrote: »

What ever happened to the filthy kernt that was all about that workday ****? Did he top himself or wot? Fierce sweaty smell under the hood along with a coating of mackerel grime, a poisonous miasma escaping out through the cheapo slacks for all to marvel in the customer care centre by evening I imagine. Won't be missed.

That would be me I think (am hurt you won't miss me BTW!)

What can I say lads, havn't been around these parts for nearly a month. This forced work from home lark with 3 kids in toe has nearly killed me.

Having not been in the office i havn't had any personal time to myself on the throne, can barely go for a ****e without one of the kids banging on the door.

Been catching up on the 20 odd pages of posts since I was last here. My diet hasn't been the same as it would be working in town (not for the better I might add).

My ****s have been all over the place time and texture wise, what I'd do for some stability in my life right now!!

Brendan Bendar

Fireball81 wrote: »

That would be me I think (am hurt you won't miss me BTW!)

What can I say lads, havn't been around these parts for nearly a month. This forced work from home lark with 3 kids in toe has nearly killed me.

Having not been in the office i havn't had any personal time to myself on the throne, can barely go for a ****e without one of the kids banging on the door.

Been catching up on the 20 odd pages of posts since I was last here. My diet hasn't been the same as it would be working in town (not for the better I might add).

My ****s have been all over the place time and texture wise, what I'd do for some stability in my life right now!!

Good call Mr F, understand your predicament with the kids.

Was out for my 2k walk yesterday and felt a ‘pot roast’ of *loose midden coming to the boil en route.

Held her on the clutch for as long as I could and hit the thunderbox on arrival home.

Exploded a thick spatther of thick swampy midden- large footprint , map of the Phillipines stuff plastered over pot.

I barely had a chance to stand up and assay the damage when the front door rung and some kernt from neighbourhood watch or something wanted information on something.

Had to pull the jocks up and leave the cludgie like war zone and destroy the kex.

Complete Kernt.

* lot of rumbling- that’s how you know.

Brendan Bendar

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Good call Mr F, understand your predicament with the kids.

Was out for my 2k walk yesterday and felt a ‘pot roast’ of *loose midden coming to the boil en route.

Held her on the clutch for as long as I could and hit the thunderbox on arrival home.

Exploded a thick spatther of thick swampy midden- large footprint , map of the Phillipines stuff plastered over pot.

I barely had a chance to stand up and assay the damage when the front door rung and some kernt from neighbourhood watch or something wanted information on something.

Had to pull the jocks up and leave the cludgie like war zone and destroy the kex.

Complete Kernt.

* lot of rumbling- that’s how you know.

If some kernt comes to my door when I'm "taking care of business" they can ****ing wait where they are until I am good and ready.

Brendan Bendar

Deleted User wrote: »

If some kernt comes to my door when I'm "taking care of business" they can ****ing wait where they are until I am good and ready.

I was expecting an ‘important package’ from Joom as per message.

(Odyssey putter)

Urethral Buttercup

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Anyway, what I’m asking is, does anyone have any experience with “scented” toilet roll. Are there any dangers of allergic reaction?

Funny you ask, we had them in the house once, I've no idea why, presumably they were bought by mistake, or maybe herself got a whiff during the night if I was fingering around in there during my sleep (I've an itchy hole, sometimes it feels like the whole chute and mouth is lined with sand). Don't remember much about the product except that they were lavender scented violet coloured sheets, with.. bear with me, too high a ply count.

As I've shared many times before, I'm a schruncher rather than a folder, I just think it's unmasculine for a working man who brings home the bacon during the day to be tamping up on the pot at night, but the problem when you've got toilet roll that feels like it's near on double digits in ply, is you can't scrunch it very well, feels like you're trying to wipe your hole with a cushion if you get me. So I said if you ever buy that poxy chite again I'm gone (I was after a few bottles of wine, empty threat but she went with it) and I've never seen the evil stuff again.

How are you getting on yourself?

Voodoomelon

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Good call Mr F, understand your predicament with the kids.

Was out for my 2k walk yesterday and felt a ‘pot roast’ of *loose midden coming to the boil en route.

Disappointed with this yarn, was expecting a diversion into a nearby ditch where a large amount of human matter was emitted either into a scrunched up emergency sandwich bag and hurled over a fence into the adjoining Aldi carpark or directly into the foliage for mother nature to sort out.

EmmetSpiceland

Urethral Buttercup wrote: »

How are you getting on yourself?

Hi U, thanks for asking!

Well, I won’t lie. I took the cowards way out. What I did was, when I ran out of “regular”, I went upstairs and swapped two rolls with the smelly stuff. It’s not a feint odour neither, real whiff off it.

Haven’t heard any complaints yet so if things stay that way I’ll take it for a “spin” myself. Obviously, I’m proud of what I did but I was very worried about getting some form of “ring sting”.

And, I’ll have you know, I’ll be folding when the time comes. I just can’t get my head around anyone over five years of age “scrunching”. I mean, that’s what we did before we had the dexterity to fold.

I’ll keep you posted either way, appreciate the concern.

Urethral Buttercup

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

And, I’ll have you know, I’ll be folding when the time comes. I just can’t get my head around anyone over five years of age “scrunching”. I mean, that’s what we did before we had the dexterity to fold.

I’ll keep you posted either way, appreciate the concern.

Brings to mind a guy I knew who was on holidays once and contracted a weeping anus. His hole was weeping watery discharge through the skin for about ten days. Kind of like a wet sponge.

Wife thought he had pissed the bed the first night. She's the one who me btw.

Brendan Bendar

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Disappointed with this yarn, was expecting a diversion into a nearby ditch where a large amount of human matter was emitted either into a scrunched up emergency sandwich bag and hurled over a fence into the adjoining Aldi carpark or directly into the foliage for mother nature to sort out.

The two kilometer rule didn’t allow for such a manouvre, sorry Vee.

Sober Crappy Chemis

Considering some post-doctoral research on the conversion uptake rates from scrunchers to folders in preparation for the (now disproven) covid19 toilet roll shortage.

There is a paucity of peer reviewed reference material available on Google scholar though, for my initial literature review.

Slideways

For some unknown reason work has had the idea of changing the dinner menu here. Lots of very very cheap cuts of meat. Lamb belly three times this last fortnight with pork belly twice. Greasy poorly cooked efforts.

One advantage is the turds are slipping out like greased eels.

Sit, plop, wipe. Done and dusted before boards has a chance to even load up on the phone.

Hego Damask

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Good call Mr F, understand your predicament with the kids.

Was out for my 2k walk yesterday and felt a ‘pot roast’ of *loose midden coming to the boil en route.

Held her on the clutch for as long as I could and hit the thunderbox on arrival home.

Exploded a thick spatther of thick swampy midden- large footprint , map of the Phillipines stuff plastered over pot.

I barely had a chance to stand up and assay the damage when the front door rung and some kernt from neighbourhood watch or something wanted information on something.

Had to pull the jocks up and leave the cludgie like war zone and destroy the kex.

Complete Kernt.

* lot of rumbling- that’s how you know.

Map of the Philippines!!

BlaktainPicard

Serious dose of the scutters lately, maybe its nervers over this corona bollix.