What's the etiquette here??

Bullocks

BlaktainPicard wrote: »

Serious dose of the scutters lately, maybe its nervers over this corona bollix.

Am I right in thinking that it's a symptom of the Corona bollix ?
Don't ****e within 2 metres of people just to err on the side of caution in these uncertain times

gerrybbadd

BlaktainPicard wrote: »

Serious dose of the scutters lately, maybe its nervers over this corona bollix.

I've a wild dose of the Shkittery doo dah's myself the past 3 or 4 weeks. It could be many things, such as a fair amount of aspartame intake through the numerous cans of coke etc i've been skulling, or the shyte quality nicotine i've been vaping. Or my penchant for curry or spicy dinners on the daily. Maybe its that actually.

Though, i think i may have an undiagosed case of IBS (Irritable Badge Syndorome)

Brendan Bendar

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I've a wild dose of the Shkittery doo dah's myself the past 3 or 4 weeks. It could be many things, such as a fair amount of aspartame intake through the numerous cans of coke etc i've been skulling, or the shyte quality nicotine i've been vaping. Or my penchant for curry or spicy dinners on the daily. Maybe its that actually.

Though, i think i may have an undiagosed case of IBS (Irritable Badge Syndorome)

I’d dab a wodge of ‘ RingDamp’ on a hoop like that must be,Gerard, kinda rapido.

That diet is not good for the muzzle, reduce her to something like a perished hose dumped behind a Fire Station.

Need to eat fresh fruit an fish, dude ,before your guts slip out.

Just sayin’

padd b1975

Anyone ever hear about the lad who was in Dublin for an All Ireland Final (most likely hurling) sometime in the mid eighties?

According to legend, our hero arrived back at a B&B on the Upper Drumcondra Road in the early hours and decided to pipe one out in the downstairs cludgie.

Nodded off while perusing the Sunday Press...

Unfortunately he had forgotten to lift the lid and was woken by the owner next morning having Cleveland Pancaked his own arse cheeks.

Thankfully the lid was black plastic so damage was minimal.

Place hasn't catered for GAA supporters since I believe.

Urethral Buttercup

Shat out a big grainy length of rope there that sat up in the bowl with two pinched ends either side of the waterline like turkey legs. Closer inspection confirmed the meleagris was male, with one willowy protrusion clutching tenderly to the drumstick like a putrefied umbilical chord still attached to its host, not to be confused with the darker liver coloured section or pope's nose also breaking the waterline.

Some fat molecules visible in the water, and an unpleasant smell of beached mammal left to rot on shore, seaweed, Sunday roast, and brewer’s yeast. Made a bit of a mess afterwards trying to push him down the hatch and got excrement and toilet paper matted and clogged up all through the toilet brush, which I am yet to attend to, as I am home alone with a bottle of fine wine from Languedoc and a tub of warm water for my feet.

Brendan Bendar

Urethral Buttercup wrote: »

Shat out a big grainy length of rope there that sat up in the bowl with two pinched ends either side of the waterline like turkey legs. Closer inspection confirmed the meleagris was male, with one willowy protrusion clutching tenderly to the drumstick like a putrefied umbilical chord still attached to its host, not to be confused with the darker liver coloured section or pope's nose also breaking the waterline.

Some fat molecules visible in the water, and an unpleasant smell of beached mammal left to rot on shore, seaweed, Sunday roast, and brewer’s yeast. Made a bit of a mess afterwards trying to push him down the hatch and got excrement and toilet paper matted and clogged up all through the toilet brush, which I am yet to attend to, as I am home alone with a bottle of fine wine from Languedoc and a tub of warm water for my feet.

Hope you rang the shït farm.

Fireball81

Lads, I'm getting bits of ****e caught when wiping. In these days of lockdown can anyone suggest an arse hair shaver?

Need to be careful with the low hanging fruit too.

gerrybbadd

Fireball81 wrote: »

Lads, I'm getting bits of ****e caught when wiping. In these days of lockdown can anyone suggest an arse hair shaver?

Need to be careful with the low hanging fruit too.

Small dab of Veet for Barse & Arse will sort you right out.

Careful however, the "muffling" effect of having a crack on ya like Lionel Ritchie's head in the Three Times A Lady video is lost to the plughole, leading to amplification of your egg and cadaver truck emmissions.

IAMAMORON

Fireball81 wrote: »

Lads, I'm getting bits of ****e caught when wiping. In these days of lockdown can anyone suggest an arse hair shaver?

Need to be careful with the low hanging fruit too.

The Dangleberry is considered by many to be an art form. I would feel lost and unfulfilled without the company of least one Dangleberry in my life. Regular showering or bathing is your friend here.

If you want to shave your hole I suggest reaching out for assistance. Unless you are an expert at double mirroring you are threading on dangerous ground. Your Barse is an incredibly sensitive zone which demands respects from sharp items, believe.

I would advocate the showering technique. I find that by soaping and washing my hole I can keep a good control over my Dangleberries. However if you're adamant about removal I suggest procuring a beautician and requesting a back, sack and crack. This will completely remove all your pubic hair from the top of your bum cheeks, right through your Barse, to the surrounds of your anus and then will finally remove all hairs from your bollocks and testicles. All in about 3 or 4 movements.

I might add the caveat that your "bum jungle" ,whilst being an annoying source of unwanted arse grooming, is also used to disable unwanted aliments around your ass, it is a very sensitive region. Please take care of it.

Brendan Bendar

Very good advice there Moron.

Hang your hoop over a saucepan of steaming water, loosens the tag nuts and drops them into the ‘pot’

In the event the taggies fail to drop, an old towel, well washed and leathery, sawed vigourously twixt the thighs should shift the reluctant ones.

The towel can be used as a golf towel later, so. Win-win.

Fireball81

Thanks for the sound advice lads, the veet and back sack and crack options seem quite extreme.

Will wash my poo hole properly, oddly hasn't been an issue in the past, must be growing more hair there at the moment for some reason.

EmmetSpiceland

Fireball81 wrote: »

Will wash my poo hole properly, oddly hasn't been an issue in the past, must be growing more hair there at the moment for some reason.

Just a little on that, might I suggest using a small amount of hair “oil”, maybe even Brylcreem, in conjunction with a little “long handled” comb and you could part the hair far more effectively.

The only draw back would be having to continually “groom” the area, the greasy buildup and the stains that would form. But other than that you’d be in the clear.

Brendan Bendar

I’d go for the ‘dry hole ‘look meself Emmett.

Little blast of the hairdryer on medium heat after a good shower.

Never hot , as one could scald the shady side of the nut purse.

IAMAMORON

Spice, attaching vanity to your anal region is trotting on dangerous ground. Going all Elvis on your bum jungle could lead to problems down the line. You really need to future proof your rectal area.

One of the most common complaints I hear from waxy types is the increase in anal acne that occurs as a result of over tampering in the region. You need to remember that anal grooming is very much a contemporary discipline. I never remember or recall hearing of Leonardo Di Vinci developing an anal scissors back in the 1500's, even Robert Hinchcliffe may have scoffed at the concept. He certainly would not have been happy to witness his inventions being abused.

The main purpose of rectal hair is to "keep out" any foreign invaders.... don't get kinky now, I am discussing other objects of less desire. Imagine the complexities a lost ant or fly might uncover at 3 or 4 in the morning on the wild Albanian sea? Rectal hair combined with rectal sweat glands are sending a clear signal to such types to seek solace elsewhere. Obfuscating this region with 20th century product adds obvious complications to existing pheromone. Brylcream or Elvis ass is not worthwhile long term. Let nature work its' miracles. A bar of soap and warm water and let the jungle flow.

gerrybbadd

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Spice, attaching vanity to your anal region is trotting on dangerous ground. Going all Elvis on your bum jungle could lead to problems down the line. You really need to future proof your rectal area.

One of the most common complaints I hear from waxy types is the increase in anal acne that occurs as a result of over tampering in the region. You need to remember that anal grooming is very much a contemporary discipline. I never remember or recall hearing of Leonardo Di Vinci developing an anal scissors back in the 1500's, even Robert Hinchcliffe may have scoffed at the concept. He certainly would not have been happy to witness his inventions being abused.

The main purpose of rectal hair is to "keep out" any foreign invaders.... don't get kinky now, I am discussing other objects of less desire. Imagine the complexities a lost ant or fly might uncover at 3 or 4 in the morning on the wild Albanian sea? Rectal hair combined with rectal sweat glands are sending a clear signal to such types to seek solace elsewhere. Obfuscating this region with 20th century product adds obvious complications to existing pheromone. Brylcream or Elvis ass is not worthwhile long term. Let nature work its' miracles. A bar of soap and warm water and let the jungle flow.

Such sweet, sweet poetic words.

I love this thread. So few of us have given so much, for so little in return. In times to come, society will look fondly back on the advice given in this thread, perhaps with a single tear in their collective eye.

Well done Moron

Flavour Diaper

Delivered a thick, medium-dry rope of tawny pork sausage dotted with purple coloured sand on the stroke of midnight. As I was on my haunches applying the salve, I noticed the specimen snap in two to reveal a coarse mealy centre which to my eyes resembled damp chipboard. Paperwork was almost nonexistent, just a little bore dust and a few solitary specks of blood.

Brendan Bendar

Flavour Diaper wrote: »

Delivered a thick, medium-dry rope of tawny pork sausage dotted with purple coloured sand on the stroke of midnight. As I was on my haunches applying the salve, I noticed the specimen snap in two to reveal a coarse mealy centre which to my eyes resembled damp chipboard. Paperwork was almost nonexistent, just a little bore dust and a few solitary specks of blood.

Well done, no diaper required, I suspect.

Nevin Parsnipp

Flavour Diaper wrote: »

Delivered a thick, medium-dry rope of tawny pork sausage dotted with purple coloured sand on the stroke of midnight. As I was on my haunches applying the salve, I noticed the specimen snap in two to reveal a coarse mealy centre which to my eyes resembled damp chipboard. Paperwork was almost nonexistent, just a little bore dust and a few solitary specks of blood.

Crackin post my man ...good of you to come in so early with a quality submission.

Look forward to many more missives from the bang! box.

Too many flibberty dudes on here promulgating on light weight issues such as Brexit, Covid 19, General Elections etc.

When we all know the only really serious issue is how to take / recognise / prepare for ......a good sh1te.

Flavour Diaper

I'm reminded of an older gentleman I met fifteen or twenty years ago in a pub attached to a community hall used for set dancing in the middle of nowhere. One of those fellas who looks like he has a deluxe space hopper ball tucked in underneath his wine coloured v-neck, giant bulge on the man, with beads of perspiration attaching themselves ferociously to his forehead underneath a fullish head of oily grey hair patted flat and to the side, proud eyes gone a bit yellow, rosy complexion, almost as tall as he was wide. I remember this guy for a few reasons, but namely because he was a bit of a legend around town due to the fact that despite having more or less the outside presentation of deformed crab apple or softened malteser. he assumed the skill, gaiety and lightness of step of a ballerina as soon as he danced a polka set, marvelous little feet on the man and of course he loved dancing with the young wans as the wife looked on drinking glasses of brandy.

Anyway the other reason I remember this great rotund specimen is one evening we ended up side by side, appendages in hand, standing in fealty before the porcelain receiver, finishing up our business with a little shake and a tinkle, and of course I was wondering how this ape manages to use his hands so deftly underneath that fat bulbous overhanging belly which was pressing up against the urinal and probably orientating it off its bracket, when out of nowhere he amicably grabs me my the rim of my pants, a fat wet finger touching my waist flesh, and I don't remember what he said, but he wanted me to see something in the cubicle, which was unoccupied, and which I gather he had just been in himself before I arrived.

So he escorted me over to the cube pointed inside and said something to the effect of "whatcha think of that, young fella?" to me. I remember going in and stooping over the pot a little hesitantly, and inside was a long tawny rope about as thick as a man's wrist, very fresh, and a fresh fent off it too from memory, obviously born within the last quarter of an hour, and he had been, what, waiting in the toilet for an impressionable blow-in like myself to show it to? I'll never know, but fancying himself a bit of a teacher, his parting words to me were "come back to me when you can lay one as straight as that boy and there'll be a club orange in it for yah". Sadly this man is passed away, but I'll always remember how you went out of your way to set me on the right path old fella, I'll always remember.

EmmetSpiceland

Flavour Diaper wrote: »

almost as tall as he was wide.

A human “chode”, F? Not all that uncommon back in the day but you only see few and far between these days.

A “potach” is what I believe the native Irish speaker would call them.

Flavour Diaper

Indeed Emmet. A lot less characters doing the rounds too. Everyone is watching the same "shows", listening to the same podcasts, spinning around and around on the same dull, refined circuit.

Brendan Bendar

I knew that was a mistake Parsnip , I just knew it.!

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I knew that was a mistake Parsnip , I just knew it.!

What happened, Brendan? Did ‘The Nev’ soil himself in your company or something? Overdid it on the old prunes for breakfast, and followed through getting the zimmerframe out of the boot of the the Kia Sportage?

The dirty shïte.

Nevin Parsnipp

" The Nev" has a sphincter as tight as a young nun's klopper pal !

Last time I had an "incident! was just before attempting a difficult 5 iron approach to the 15th green....had to hit a high feathery draw and drift her down to the pin.

Loosed what I thought was a harmless fart just before address and blew out a thick glob of runny skuther into the chinos .

Luckily was faced away from playing partners so took the shot ...a miserable semi slice....and headed for nearby trees....did a quick trouser drop ...whipped out the good golf towel and clen up as best I could.

badly soiled towel ..thought of abandonment...or slyly stuffing into one of my playing partners bags ...but too risky...so stuffed in my own bag to muffle the thick fent.

Got thru remaining holes in fine style.....forgot about towel ..until I had occasion to pull it out at an important corporate event.

Got some very strange looks from the senior businessmen I was playing with.....

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

What happened, Brendan? Did ‘The Nev’ soil himself in your company or something? Overdid it on the old prunes for breakfast, and followed through getting the zimmerframe out of the boot of the the Kia Sportage?

The dirty shïte.

Over praised a newbie and released a flood of flowery shïte prose on us John.

As you know we are not used to that.

Apart from that the fcuker was wearing a set of ‘Blue Harbors’ well faded and heavily ‘caulked’ at the seams with deep ingrained buttery midden.

Heard he had the nerve to bring the fcukers to the cleaners and was told “Its the incinerator you want for them,pal’

Hector Savage

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Very good advice there Moron.

Hang your hoop over a saucepan of steaming water, loosens the tag nuts and drops them into the ‘pot’

In the event the taggies fail to drop, an old towel, well washed and leathery, sawed vigourously twixt the thighs should shift the reluctant ones.

The towel can be used as a golf towel later, so. Win-win.

Just don't use the pan to fry up tomorrow morning's breakfast...

fuerte1976

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Over praised a newbie and released a flood of flowery shïte prose on us John.

As you know we are not used to that.

Apart from that the fcuker was wearing a set of ‘Blue Harbors’ well faded and heavily ‘caulked’ at the seams with deep ingrained buttery midden.

Heard he had the nerve to bring the fcukers to the cleaners and was told “Its the incinerator you want for them,pal’

Laughing away to myself at this!

Hotblack Desiato

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hope you rang the shït farm.

Jaysus lads but I was badly caught short the other day while on an "important" conference call.

Imminent delivery of a Whopper I hadn't ordered, "you need two hands just to hold that thing", no drink no fries.

At least I remembered to mute the mic... and it wasn't a video call.

Curious silence when I was asked a question while washing my hands - pretended I was having connection trouble. I mean, I could hardly tell them I was washing up after a massive shyte, could I?

Hotblack Desiato

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Very good advice there Moron.

Hang your hoop over a saucepan of steaming water, loosens the tag nuts and drops them into the ‘pot’

It's like the male version of Gwyneth Paltrow holding her gaping vadge over a steaming pot full of "botanicals".

Hotblack Desiato

IAMAMORON wrote: »

I might add the caveat that your "bum jungle" ,whilst being an annoying source of unwanted arse grooming, is also used to disable unwanted aliments around your ass, it is a very sensitive region. Please take care of it.

In my 20s I used to lie down on the bathroom floor, stick my ankles in the air and shave my hoop with a disposable Bic or Wilkinson Sword

I'm rather less flexible these days and don't give a hoop hoot, I prefer to sleep naked but if the hoop is contaminated then a pair of boxers two sizes too big is acceptable until the next good scrub in the shower. Anything too constricting on the aul lad disrupts my sleep, need room for the erections during REM phase.