What's the etiquette here??

Ush1

Funny one there this morning, made my 5 year old son cry from a foul smelling fart I did.

Usually we get a great laugh out of one anothers farts but there was something different this morning.

I let one rip right in his face(his height makes this handy) as we entered the kitchen.

Normally he would be in convulsions of laughter but he went stoic silent. "What's that smell dad?" he asked, eyes beginning to well up. I farted son says I, then his face turned to anger "That's not fair!" he shouts. Then as the tears were streaming down his face he murmurs "It smells like raw eggs and poison".

Memories like this he will cherish.

Former Observer

Oh lads I fancy a prawn vindaloo tonight.

Vindaloo, chips, naan, samosa, rice and banana fritters from the Chinese. I will wash this down with a few cans of Guinness before Game of Thrones starts.

EmmetSpiceland

padd b1975 wrote: »

The style over there is not to have an ensuite crapper.
Instead, they have a door directly from the master bedroom to the "throne room".

Sorry, P, but is that not the definition of an “en suite” bathroom?

Boom_Bap

Former Observer wrote: »

Oh lads I fancy a prawn vindaloo tonight.

Vindaloo, chips, naan, samosa, rice and banana fritters from the Chinese. I will wash this down with a few cans of Guinness before Game of Thrones starts.

Put the baby wipes in the freezer

EmmetSpiceland

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Serious question time here now lads.

What is your stance on wiping technique? some do it standing up once the turf is out of the bucket. Others opt to wipe away on the starfish while still sitting down.

Also, opinions on wet/baby wipes?

Ah, G, we’d be here all day if we starting talking “technique” when it comes to “polishing the badge”.

Always found standing up to be quite cumbersome. I mean, I’m there to sit and contemplate, and to overuse my phone, of course, so I only want to get up when I’m ready to go and can’t feel my legs.

A simple lean coupled with a raise of the arse cheek is enough to get “the job” done. Wholly effective. But there is a third option, not widely practised and for good reason.

This would be the method of going “down and under” and then back to front. This can inevitable lead to getting a pissy hand and a shítty “barse” or, worse still, ball sac. If you get the skills you can avoid these and really get in there for a “deep” clean but if you haven’t by now then I would say it’s too late to start.

Former Observer

Oh lord I've been standing to wipe my arse my entire life. Some of you lads must have rather extended prolapsed knots if you can reach around under your cheeks for a rub while remaining seated. And would you not be worried you'd get chite or pubes on your sleeve or wrist when you're sliding your hand around? Some of you lads make me sick with your talk.

Boom_Bap

Standing Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hector Savage

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Ah, G, we’d be here all day if we starting talking “technique” when it comes to “polishing the badge”.

Always found standing up to be quite cumbersome. I mean, I’m there to sit and contemplate, and to overuse my phone, of course, so I only want to get up when I’m ready to go and can’t feel my legs.

A simple lean coupled with a raise of the arse cheek is enough to get “the job” done. Wholly effective. But there is a third option, not widely practised and for good reason.

This would be the method of going “down and under” and then back to front. This can inevitable lead to getting a pissy hand and a shítty “barse” or, worse still, ball sac. If you get the skills you can avoid these and really get in there for a “deep” clean but if you haven’t by now then I would say it’s too late to start.

Women do that method more apparently, or so I've been told, I don't believe it myself - women don't poo.

Ush1

Boom_Bap wrote: »

Standing Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, surely you would end up with your arse cheeks chock full of sh*te? Seems messy to me.

Former Observer

Ush1 wrote: »

Yeah, surely you would end up with your arse cheeks chock full of sh*te? Seems messy to me.

In sixty pages this is the most disturbing reveal yet.

No way am I reaching around under my own sweaty loins with the sleeve of my shirt brushing up against the plastic palace where the last lad's grease is still affixed, groping around for my smelly freckle from a diagonal angle all the while chaffing against anal debris, vile sawdust and curly blacks with my starched cotton. Genuinely disturbed.

Ush1

Former Observer wrote: »

In sixty pages this is the most disturbing reveal yet.

No way am I reaching around under my own sweaty loins with the sleeve of my shirt brushing up against the plastic palace where the last lad's grease is still affixed, groping around for my smelly freckle from a diagonal angle all the while chaffing against anal debris, vile sawdust and curly blacks with my starched cotton. Genuinely disturbed.

You misunderstand. I'm saying standing up and penguining around the cubicle is madness.

With the sitting down, you lean forward and shift your weight also in that direction so you're perched nicely on the front of the bowl, giving your arm handy access to your dirty bullet hole via the back "over the top". Only some sick monster would be shoving the hand deep into the nethers between your legs and wiping from the front.

Former Observer

Ush1 wrote: »

You misunderstand. I'm saying standing up and penguining around the cubicle is madness.

With the sitting down, you lean forward and shift your weight also in that direction so you're perched nicely on the front of the bowl, giving your arm handy access to your dirty bullet hole via the back "over the top". Only some sick monster would be shoving the hand deep into the nethers between your legs and wiping from the front.

I'm giving this a run now on my office chair, trying to ease over on to one buttock to provide access from the opposite side but I'm struggling. Perhaps I haven't developed the muscles.

Boom_Bap

Surely once you stand up pre wipe you are mashing the paste onto both cheeks and filling the gap causing a seal of sorts.

Former Observer

Sorry I misread. We're trying to gain access from the rear, not the flank. I dunno, would you knot be worried about bits of chite and globs of grease and debris from the back edge and undercarriage of the toilet seat weaseling their way onto your shirt sleeve as you coil around?

Boom_Bap

Roll up your bleedin sleeve.

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

I'm giving this a run now on my office chair, trying to ease over on to one buttock to provide access from the opposite side but I'm struggling. Perhaps I haven't developed the muscles.

This article gives a good breakdown of the subject:

https://brobible.com/life/article/butt-wiping-technique/

According to the author, you “standers” make up 50% of the people he’s consulted so it’s a perfectly acceptable technique.

Utter Consternation

What sort of dirty animal can't wipe their hole without getting sh1te on their sleeve?

Ush1

Former Observer wrote: »

Sorry I misread. We're trying to gain access from the rear, not the flank. I dunno, would you knot be worried about bits of chite and globs of grease and debris from the back edge and undercarriage of the toilet seat weaseling their way onto your shirt sleeve as you coil around?

These are very real risks that must be taken in to consideration however they can be mitigated. Rolling up of sleeves and making sure you get a good lean forward, if necessary cup your c*ck, balls and scrotum and let them flop down from inside the bowl to the outer region, fully on show. There will be piss dribbles sure, but with feet far enough apart they will gently plink onto the tiles below, rather than your shoes.

This all ensures a good "feed zone" for the wiping from the back.

Former Observer

You stand up off the seat with your legs placed firmly on the ground with good spacing. You half-lean forward and pucker the lips of your angus in preparation for contact. There is no smearing. Every man in this country stands. This reach around method you fellows are describing is vile.

partyguinness

I am a stander or really more of a squatter but a word of caution.

This only happened a few months ago. Basically later on in the day at work having delivered my payload I did note a unmistakable whiff of buckshot but ignored it.

Later on I was just adjusting my belt and shirt and again a funny smell.

That night at home getting undressed I noted a hardened brown stain on the tail of my shirt and on my belt. Instinctively I though some chocolate or biscuit I must have sat on but no my a darkest fears were realised.

Basically I worked out that when I wiped some dark matter went rogue and made a bid for freedom- a piece of wet **** dropped down on to my trousers at the belt line. Unknown to me I buckled up and of carried on. It promptly smeared my shirt, top of my trousers and belt.

I am more careful now.

gerrybbadd

I was a lifelong stander myself, never even considered the aul sit down method, until one day, an eye opening thread opened on Boards about it.

I mostly stand still, but on the odd occasion, i will treat myself to a sit wipe. Its very effective. The aul Leather Cheerio does be ever so slightly puckered, allowing for more effective cleaning

Ush1

To the standers, your cheeks will inevitably be in more contact than the sitters so how do you get right in to the red zone so to speak since your legs are locked together doing the penguin by your jocks.

I could see how this could work if you were some mentallist who hooped one foot, shoe and all out of the entanglement of the jocks and could perform a deep squat.

Boom_Bap

I think that the standers are saying that they get into a ski pose, or that of a jockey getting ready for a jump.

Hector Savage

Boom_Bap wrote: »

Surely once you stand up pre wipe you are mashing the paste onto both cheeks and filling the gap causing a seal of sorts.

You don't stand up straight!
You are at an angle, your arsehole cheeks are still open.

Polish the sheriffs badge with decently folded paper.

This is school boy stuff lads.

Utter Consternation

Boom_Bap wrote: »

I think that the standers are saying that they get into a ski pose, or that of a jockey getting ready for a jump.

This is the position i adopt. Like the Eddie the Eagle or Lester Piggott of arse wiping.

padd b1975

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Sorry, P, but is that not the definition of an “en suite” bathroom?

Absolutely not.

The main bathroom has two doors, one from the hallway and one from the master bedroom.

There is no ensuite bathroom.

Utter Consternation

padd b1975 wrote: »

Absolutely not.

The main bathroom has two doors, one from the hallway and one from the master bedroom.

There is no ensuite bathroom.

So you've to lock two doors if you need some discretion whilst using the facilities?? :mad:

gerrybbadd

padd b1975 wrote: »

Absolutely not.

The main bathroom has two doors, one from the hallway and one from the master bedroom.

There is no ensuite bathroom.

Two doors? Feckin danger there if i ever heard it. You could be in laying down a length of wavin and be disturbed mid crimp. Though it'd possibly be more embarrasing to be walking in on when you'd be tackling the mud dungeon with toilet roll

EmmetSpiceland

padd b1975 wrote: »

Absolutely not.

The main bathroom has two doors, one from the hallway and one from the master bedroom.

There is no ensuite bathroom.

I get you now, wasn’t clear that there was a second door in your post. I believe that’s what’s know as a “Jack and Jill” bathroom, an abomination in my opinion.

Aglomerado

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Two doors? Feckin danger there if i ever heard it. You could be in laying down a length of wavin and be disturbed mid crimp. Though it'd possibly be more embarrasing to be walking in on when you'd be tackling the mud dungeon with toilet roll

"Mud Dungeon"

padd b1975

Utter Consternation wrote: »

So you've to lock two doors if you need some discretion whilst using the facilities?? :mad:

Absolutely, or go through the rigmarole of asking for a key for the second door.

Strange strange country.

Aglomerado

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I get you now, wasn’t clear that there was a second door in your post. I believe that’s what’s know as a “Jack and Jill” bathroom, an abomination in my opinion.

I rented a room in a house in Galway many years ago. While I was having a shower one morning the house owner came in and did a wee, not a bother on them.
At least it wasn't a poo. They didn't try to have a gawk at me in the nip either, I just heard the door, tinkle and flush.
A shyte in a steamy bathroom, now that would have driven Bin Laden out of hiding.
The door to the landing that us tenants used had a frosted glass panel on it so we could see if someone was in there... So we never walked in on the owner.

padd b1975

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Two doors? Feckin danger there if i ever heard it. You could be in laying down a length of wavin and be disturbed mid crimp. Though it'd possibly be more embarrasing to be walking in on when you'd be tackling the mud dungeon with toilet roll

Not really a problem when you're three sheets to the wind on Jamaican Old Holborn as most of Holland seem to be on a permanent basis.

Former Observer

I just took a late lunch and found myself wandering Patrick's Street in a kind of daze. I couldn't stop thinking about the rear entrance wipe method and the stats shared with me on this thread which indicate that at the very least there is parity of numbers between sitters and standers. I think I'm going to concentrate on work for the rest of the day. It just doesn't seem right. It reminds me of those games where you had to lead a coat hanger along a looping and rolling piece of wire and if you so much as touched the wire it would emit a loud harrowing beeeeeepp. There is just too much anal flora on the undercarriage guys. But I think I may try it this evening?

gerrybbadd

Former Observer wrote: »

I just took a late lunch and found myself wandering Patrick's Street in a kind of daze. I couldn't stop thinking about the rear entrance wipe method and the stats shared with me on this thread which indicate that at the very least there is parity of numbers between sitters and standers. I think I'm going to concentrate on work for the rest of the day. It just doesn't seem right. It reminds me of the those games where you have to lead the coat hanger along the looping and rolling bits of wire and if you so much as touch the while it emits a loud beep. There is just too much anal flora on the undercarriage guys. But I think I may try it this evening?

Give it a go. I rise up the right cheek, reach around and under. No touching of the toilet seat or anything.

If you've never had at it with a baby wipe - pick up a pack as well. It's like an angel coming down from heaven and licking the marmite motorway clean

Utter Consternation

padd b1975 wrote: »

Absolutely, or go through the rigmarole of asking for a key for the second door.

Strange strange country.

I'm sure you loaded up in the transit van with your cargo of fannypads and headed back to Mayo bewildered.

EmmetSpiceland

Aglomerado wrote: »

A shyte in a steamy bathroom, now that would have driven Bin Laden out of hiding.

The dreaded “Dutch Sauna”.

partyguinness

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Give it a go. I rise up the right cheek, reach around and under. No touching of the toilet seat or anything.

If you've never had at it with a baby wipe - pick up a pack as well. It's like an angel coming down from heaven and licking the marmite motorway clean

I feel that by adopting the Skiing Stance you are able to get right in there as your ass cheeks are spread further apart.

gerrybbadd

partyguinness wrote: »

I feel that by adopting the Skiing Stance you are able to get right in there as your ass cheeks are spread further apart.

You achieve full spread when sat however. All is out in the open, with a slight pucker. Like an auld wan after sucking a lemon with no false teeth in

EmmetSpiceland

partyguinness wrote: »

I feel that by adopting the Skiing Stance you are able to get right in there as your ass cheeks are spread further apart.

But to get there would you not be worried about slight clamping together if you’re not too careful?

Could leave you with damage looking like a “Rorschach test”.

Aglomerado

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

The dreaded “Dutch Sauna”.

Which you can also do to yourself in the shower if you had a vindaloo the night before. f^cking fent of it.

gerrybbadd

Aglomerado wrote: »

Which you can also do to yourself in the shower if you had a vindaloo the night before. f^cking fent of it.

There's very little worse than a shower fart. Of course, they are absolutely hilarous to release, esepcially if the water happens to be running down the English channel at the time, but when the smell hits. No, is all i'll say.

partyguinness

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

But to get there would you not be worried about slight clamping together if you’re not too careful?

Could leave you with damage looking like a “Rorschach test”.

That is indeed true and a most noteworthy observation unless you use one hand to grab a fist full of arse cheek in a vice like grip to keep it separated.

It would be interesting to hear JohhnyF's take on this.

padd b1975

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I'm sure you loaded up in the transit van with your cargo of fannypads and headed back to Mayo bewildered.

To be honest I'd rather deal with a toilet with no door than one with two of questionable security.

At least you know what you're dealing with then, and us more resourceful patrons could probably engineer something with planks of wood or corrugated sheets and a straightened leg.

Brendan Bendar

partyguinness wrote: »

I am a stander or really more of a squatter but a word of caution.

This only happened a few months ago. Basically later on in the day at work having delivered my payload I did note a unmistakable whiff of buckshot but ignored it.

Later on I was just adjusting my belt and shirt and again a funny smell.

That night at home getting undressed I noted a hardened brown stain on the tail of my shirt and on my belt. Instinctively I though some chocolate or biscuit I must have sat on but no my a darkest fears were realised.

Basically I worked out that when I wiped some dark matter went rogue and made a bid for freedom- a piece of wet **** dropped down on to my trousers at the belt line. Unknown to me I buckled up and of carried on. It promptly smeared my shirt, top of my trousers and belt.

I am more careful now.

‘In off the crossbar’ I believe it’s called in some circles.

Bullocks

I wipe from behind and usually throw one leg up on the toilet seat to make the reach around a bit easier.
Any of ye that indulge in using wet wipes just be aware that they aren't flushable no matter what it says on the pack. Lovely clean wipe but they will clog the sewers eventually

padd b1975

A damp microfibre cloth takes some beating I find.

If it's good enough for the most fastidious of car detailing, it's more than adequate for the old balloon knot.

Doctors room ghost

Pull the chain and in a jiffy,you’re sh1te goes floating down the Liffey.
Brendan behan

mad muffin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkJehlr1tEw

Hego Damask

Ripped the hole of myself last night, you know those massive chites that stretch the ring - this was one of the worst ever, just kept stretching it, I'd say me hole looked like a snake eating an ostrich egg.
Some blood after and a sore hole today.
Jaysus