What's the etiquette here??

Nevin Parsnipp

Unfortunate incident in the drinks aisle of my local supermarket today...

Took a small break from my working at home duties to injest a couple of can's of cider in the back garden...not something I normally do.

Seen the supplies in Fridge 2 was running low ..so decided to hai up to local supermarket to replenish stoxx.

Was strolling down the drinks aisle when I felt an ar$eful of wind building up...without thinkin I blew out a strong muscular fart which I am sure created a minor bakdraft down the aisle .

I thought the aisle was empty but failed to notice two auld beuers pushin a trolly behind me .....

The fcukin reaction ! "Good job we were wearin masks"....."Young people have no manners"....."Store will have to be deep cleaned"...and other such mutterings .

I did mutter an apology and flapped a pizza box behind my hole to disperse any odours ..which was all I could do in the circs.

Still got dirty looks as I exited via the self check out ...

Made a mental note "Check before you release an industrial strength breezer"

Just thought I would share the experience ....

Rodney Bathgate

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Should be plenty of fat mackerel shoaling around the outpipe.

Fond of spicey loads them kernts.

Are you suggesting he should go mackerel fishing?

NewbridgeIR

Anyone ever had these?
Ate a full portion last night.

Between 9.00am and 5.00pm today, there were eight toilet visits - increasing in urgency each time. Had to abruptly terminate a Zoom call and abandon a lunchtime stroll around the estate.

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Unfortunate incident in the drinks aisle of my local supermarket today...

Took a small break from my working at home duties to injest a couple of can's of cider in the back garden...not something I normally do.

Seen the supplies in Fridge 2 was running low ..so decided to hai up to local supermarket to replenish stoxx.

Was strolling down the drinks aisle when I felt an ar$eful of wind building up...without thinkin I blew out a strong muscular fart which I am sure created a minor bakdraft down the aisle .

I thought the aisle was empty but failed to notice two auld beuers pushin a trolly behind me .....

The fcukin reaction ! "Good job we were wearin masks"....."Young people have no manners"....."Store will have to be deep cleaned"...and other such mutterings .

I did mutter an apology and flapped a pizza box behind my hole to disperse any odours ..which was all I could do in the circs.

Still got dirty looks as I exited via the self check out ...

Made a mental note "Check before you release an industrial strength breezer"

Just thought I would share the experience ....

Hard to blame them, my friend,the bang of blown whelks and crab claws would stagger even the brace of tugboats you upset.

“ Could be the sour batther off your crotchband, honey, I’ll hold the stink meter between your thighs and check” .

Given the blow out you gave I wouldn’t try that though, could attract the polis to the premises.

Well handled Nevin..... fessed up.

JohnnyFlash

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

The fcukin reaction ! "Good job we were wearin masks"....."Young people have no manners"....."Store will have to be deep cleaned"...and other such mutterings .

They must have been about 120 years old, if they were to regard you as young, Nevin. Very much in your dotage by all accounts - in the priority lane for the firey pits of hell if the rumours are to be believed.

Nevin Parsnipp

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

They must have been about 120 years old, if they were to regard you as young, Nevin. Very much in your dotage by all accounts - in the priority lane for the firey pits of hell if the rumours are to be believed.

Another out of order post Flash...but for you ..par for the course.

"The Nev" is far from dotage ...had to turn down a request to line out with the junior C hurling team as they had me spotted as a lad not to flinch when the timber is flying.

And well able to clear out a top set of delph with the heel of the caman...as well.

So less of your snippy comments please .....

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Another out of order post Flash...but for you ..par for the course.

"The Nev" is far from dotage ...had to turn down a request to line out with the junior C hurling team as they had me spotted as a lad not to flinch when the timber is flying.

And well able to clear out a top set of delph with the heel of the caman...as well.

So less of your snippy comments please .....

See on the Twitter machine Fingal CoCo are complaining about domestic rubbish being ‘dumped ‘ in public refuse bins.

Saw a lad in ‘mobile bathchair’ rock up to a litter bin, park, unlock a commode from underneath and dump at least a half kilo of runny midden into the bin.

Disgusting Fcuker..... know anything about that, pal

Nevin Parsnipp

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

See on the Twitter machine Fingal CoCo are complaining about domestic rubbish being ‘dumped ‘ in public refuse bins.

Saw a lad in ‘mobile bathchair’ rock up to a litter bin, park, unlock a commode from underneath and dump at least a half kilo of runny midden into the bin.

Disgusting Fcuker..... know anything about that, pal

"Disgusting Fcuker"?

Strange comment from a cove wit serious form in top decking pub toilets ...blowing out sour midden in an oven dish...and sh1tting in the sock drawer of a party house ?

Don't know the chappie you refer to but if I was sitting in a bath chair with runny midden lapping around my clock weights I would get rid it of wherever I could. !

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

"Disgusting Fcuker"?

Strange comment from a cove wit serious form in top decking pub toilets ...blowing out sour midden in an oven dish...and sh1tting in the sock drawer of a party house ?

Don't know the chappie you refer to but if I was sitting in a bath chair with runny midden lapping around my clock weights I would get rid it of wherever I could. !

Uh.. maybe you got a point Parsnipp, maybe the guy ‘ shorted out’ on the way to the shops and sprayed a half gallon of ripe pork strudle into the pot.

Can’t have your nut purse wallowing in that load for any length of time

Especially up to the ‘high tide ‘ mark.

I withdraw my suspicions.... just a randomer so, I suspect

California Dreamer

If you clench for extended periods of time, does that count as exercise???

Brendan Bendar

California Dreamer wrote: »

If you clench for extended periods of time, does that count as exercise???

For sure, very important if you end up on Rikers Island, Attica State, or perhaps a seminary in Ireland.....


Very good for the glutes they say...

Ush1

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

See on the Twitter machine Fingal CoCo are complaining about domestic rubbish being ‘dumped ‘ in public refuse bins.

Saw a lad in ‘mobile bathchair’ rock up to a litter bin, park, unlock a commode from underneath and dump at least a half kilo of runny midden into the bin.

Disgusting Fcuker..... know anything about that, pal

Par for the course in Fingal to be fair.

JohnnyFlash

Made a big pot of chilli on Monday night and had a huge portion yesterday evening - loads of beans, chilli, onions. Absolutely atrocious farts today. The sort that would wither your house plants.

Took a massive dump there about 10 minutes ago - absolutely textbook. Unfortunately there’s just a hint of ring sting as a result. Hope it doesn’t flare up later and have me reaching for the bag of frozen peas and the Eurax cream.

gerrybbadd

I'm in dire straits myself the past few days, with outragously smelly liquid chits. Pint upon pint of it. Rumbling away through my guts.

All of that paperwork is having quite the impact on the anal lips. I'm seriously considering applying a liberal dose of "Chapstick" to the area to see will it sooth things a bit.

The aul leather cheerio is starting to feel a bit "raised", I suppose you could say. Significant swelling. I haven't popped down in front of the full length mirror, legs "akimbo" just yet to investigate, but i imagine it's looking something like yer man's hand after the alkaline burn in that Fight Club scene

JohnnyFlash

This stuff, Gerry. Absolutely top class and available in 100g tubes if you’ve got a wide area to cover. Immediate and extremely effective relief. Absolutely fine for working into the balloon knot as well.

EmmetSpiceland

Consumed a meal containing large amounts of cauliflower yesterday evening. The cheese sauce kept it “interesting” but I’ve had to make 3 trips to the toilet, already, today.

Large deposits with quite a strong, “earthy”, stench. Not the nice soily smell one might encounter when doing a “spot” of gardening. No, this was more of the chthonic, mulching, variety.

I’m due to “attend” the pub later this evening. Can’t see half a dozen pints of stout doing this any good. But one must soldier on in this “new normal”.

fuerte1976

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Consumed a meal containing large amounts of cauliflower yesterday evening. The cheese sauce kept it “interesting” but I’ve had to make 3 trips to the toilet, already, today.

Large deposits with quite a strong, “earthy”, stench. Not the nice soily smell one might encounter when doing a “spot” of gardening. No, this was more of the chthonic, mulching, variety.

I’m due to “attend” the pub later this evening. Can’t see half a dozen pints of stout doing this any good. But one must soldier on in this “new normal”.

Cauliflower is OK, but the cheese sauce is pure evil.
Give the squits with no end to it.
Copious pints of stout will ripen things good n proper I'd imagine.
You'll have a scent on ya like a Puck goat in season.
Go steady!

ILikeBoats

Could it lead to some "curdling"?

EmmetSpiceland

Had a very “trying” morning here, folks. Took to the water closet at, around, 10:30am. The usual. What came next was anything but “usual”.

Not sure if any of you would have “experienced” this before, I have but never to this extent. Stuck, that’s the only way to describe it. Wasn’t sore, or anything. Just stuck.

Once I sat down and got comfortable things proceeded as normal. Two, decent sized logs “sluiced”, no bother. Broke the water without any fuss. What came next was a stout, little, egg shaped stool. Point first.

I couldn’t get it out. It was like my body didn’t know it was there and thought that I was being “dramatic”. I heaved and heaved but to no avail. Even used the, tried and trusted, “method” of cupping behind the knees and rocking to and fro. No joy.

I really didn’t know what to do. Obviously, I’ve faced some challenging “exits” but never one this stubborn. There was only one thing left to try. Manual intervention. What else could I do?

On my first approach I went “round the back” but any leaning or standing caused this egg-turd to bob back inside. Thus alluding my, heaving tissued, pincers.

I knew then that this “matter” would have to tackled from a seated position. And from the front. I had long ago accepted that there would be a high chance of getting my hands dirty but I was hoping to avoid any form of “sac smear”.

So I sent my, again heavily papered, hand downward. Stayed to the right, ensuring to only brush against the ball bag as to avoid suffering a “pissy hand” scenario. This worked fine. As you can imagine, I’m flying blind here there was no time to “double mirror”.

I gave the area a cursory “feel”. The nub was there alright. I wasn’t sure how to proceed, would I need a second hand to push back the “ring piece” so as to free the bulb? Thankfully that wasn’t necessary.

Once I managed to get a, papered, “pinch on” it held things in place. One big push and a slight shift in my weight, where I had to raise up a little, got the blighter out. Landed right into my, papered, palm. Not a pleasant feeling but just dropped it into the bowl. Again, no pain, even though there must have been a high level of stretching.

The relief was immense. I ran over the area with a couple of “flushable” wipes, even though I know they aren’t great for the environment but this was an “extenuating” situation and extra attention was required.

I stayed sitting there until I was no longer sweating and the legs went numb. Spent a fair bit of time at the sink, as you can imagine.

Taking it as easy as I can since. Savouring every cup of tea. Can’t imagine how stressful it would have been to have to go see a doctor about a “lodged” bolus. Our healthcare workers are overworked as it is.

partyguinness

E, did you milk the ol' prostate while you are in the area? Silver lining and all that..

IAMAMORON

Spice, your predicament is commonly known as " Limbo dropping". Not to be confused with the world famous dance craze performed by pissheads, drunks and show offs the world over. I have been there, it can be frustrating trying to empty the socket of any "shy" deposits, once the turtle gets worried it will hide itself.

My best advice in dealing with turtles that become acrophobic is to throw a few plies up there and and walk it off. Neck a few beers and let it gather courage.

I have not being suffering from any such malign during my spell in solitary confinement. I adapted well to my curfew and began spending more time outdoors. I took to performing Off License Crawls to pass my time. This involves embellishing my drinking to knacker drinking on the street, in public parks and in other places where I can socially distance appropriately.

One complaint I have discovered during my current haze of alcohol degeneracy is the distinct lack of public facilities available. As a result I have been learning to poo and defecate outdoors a lot more than I had planned to in my new years resolution last January. I have been dropping the trousers in public for over 3 months now. In fact I have never peppered the city so well since I was a poor child being dragged up with no shoes and wearing me big brothers' handmedowns.

I have spent most of the lockdown crawling through the city centre, I am a feral enough creature of habit if I am being honest. This has led to issues when tinglings of movement have arrived. For example I was necking a 4 pack in Dublin Castle gardens last month and suddenly realised that the time was nigh. Oh oh.... I mean when the initial signals are sent out you tend to not immediately go for the panic button. Under normal circumstances there are a wide range of facilities available. However this was after 6pm so the public jacks were shut. My options were the Garda Memorial Garden park, the Pink Gay Rights statue, the bush at the front of the Chester Beatty Library or the flat fountain.... all thing considered I was in a tight enough spot.

Any attempt to disengage or stonewall your sphincter in such a circumstances basically are a waste of time. As a matter of fact, as soon as your sphincter becomes aware that you are not suitably located within range of a facility it tends to get a fit of the giggles and put you on the spot fairly pronto. When this happens you need to start making plans fairly expediently.

On this occasion I managed to leg it out beyond the west gate and legged it down Ship street, now inhabited by trendy overpriced CC apartments. I searched my trouser pockets and took a sigh of relief when I found a used Burger King napkin with which I had been wiping my nose, sweaty brow and hands with for the afternoon. In fairness now was not the time to be fussy. Suddenly I found myself eyeballing the pavement for a street gutter with the tenacity of a bald eagle following its prey from 200 yards above in the sky. It is worth noting that at this point your sphincter will be sending out warnings that the bomb doors are open and that release is imminent. My eyes and heartbeat racing I suddenly spotted a trap door behind a red Toyota Corolla ( 16 CN ) and in a nanosecond managed to get myself leaning against the bonnet trouserless and dropping splurge at a sincere velocity. It is actually a wonderful moment of relief. I mean the fact that anyone could walk by and witness you bollick naked on a city centre street having a full on Barry White is the furthest thing from your mind at that moment. It is sheer simple relief. On this occasion I did notice two youngish moths at the top of the road looking down in fits of laughter. A fair enough cop and I am all about sharing. I wiped mehole and shouted " wouldyeeverphuckoffyoubleedinperverts" and moved on.

Mission accomplished.

Nevin Parsnipp

Great to see on a recent visit to my golf club that the Sh1tters were open again. !

Hefted out an oily baton of thick midden to mark the occasion..and then shot a neat 37 points in the monthly medal.

What's not to like about that ?

EmmetSpiceland

partyguinness wrote: »

E, did you milk the ol' prostate while you are in the area? Silver lining and all that..

God no, while on the toilet? No. Was in no mood for any of that. Also, I’m not in my 20s anymore, P, only my doctor “pokes around” in there now.

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Great to see on a recent visit to my golf club that the Sh1tters were open again. !

Hefted out an oily baton of thick midden to mark the occasion..and then shot a neat 37 points in the monthly medal.

What's not to like about that ?

Good to hear, N. While I haven’t had any “trouble” in the toilet, I’m suffering a bit from being too “active” in this heat.

Had to apply a, liberal amount of, talc to the ball bag area after my shower this morning. Suffering from a, particularly, angry bout of “ire” around them parts. Nothing worrying but very uncomfortable.

I’ll be trying to keep the “feet up” today, don’t want to angry up the chafe. Never a good idea to double down on such an “affliction”.

Wash your hands, folks. And let’s keep up with the, current, protocols. We’ve had a setback with the “situation” in the midlands but we will get through this. Together.

How is this thread still going..

Nevin Parsnipp

Deleted User wrote: »

How is this thread still going..

Some folks like to discuss football....other dudes are interested in literature and things cerebral.

Still others is interested in politics and matters of the State.

The excellent people on this forum are interested in sh1ttery in all it's many forms..back boarding....using a sock drawer.....how to sh1te safely al fresco ( surely important in these times).

The different sh1tters in use in various countries...again of special importance if caught short ..say....in downtown Tokyo or Mombassa.

All vital information my friend ....and a valuable social skill that should be part of the schools curriculum.

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Some folks like to discuss football....other dudes are interested in literature and things cerebral.

Still others is interested in politics and matters of the State.

The excellent people on this forum are interested in sh1ttery in all it's many forms..back boarding....using a sock drawer.....how to sh1te safely al fresco ( surely important in these times).

The different sh1tters in use in various countries...again of special importance if caught short ..say....in downtown Tokyo or Mombassa.

All vital information my friend ....and a valuable social skill that should be part of the schools curriculum.

Excellent observation Nevin, I’ll as quick as I can outline the value of this thread in real life.

Was traveling on the overnight train from Nairobi to Kampala and at a rather late hour full of Tuskar beer needed the lav

Rolled up the the convenience ,in, to be confronted by ... nothing.

Out and bursting and there was a local gent in dressing gown and slippers.

“Excuse me sahib, I’m new to the area, how does this unit work”?

“ Welcome my friend, allow me to show you.”

In he goes and points to a ‘manhole ‘ like device on the floor and a hooked rod hanging in the wall.

TAkes the rod, hooks to the cover, and exposes a hole in the floor with the tracks flashing by underneath.

Then. without warning, hikes up the dressing gown, flexes the knees like a golfer on the tee box, drops the muzzle and explodes a solid gout of meaty scutther into the hole...... nothing but net!!!

“That’s how to do it says he, to a lad who has dried up considerably.

“ Now I clean up in my carriage ,but now you know what to do”

Took me a while to pluck up the courage to unload.

Just a bit of advice for these situations... as Nevin said.

JohnnyFlash

Deleted User wrote: »

How is this thread still going..

Some of the advice and support given here is absolutely world class. The vast majority of people in the world bake an arse sourdough at least once per day, yet it's rarely spoken about. Why?

Take the current affairs forum for example. There's a large amount of very 'bound up' individuals over there, and at least some of that 24/7 irritability is undoubtedly down to severe constipation as a result of the bedsit diet of spaghetti hoops, frozen pizza, microwavable cheeseburgers, and strong Eastern European 'cooking lager'.

All they have to do is come in here, admit they have a problem, and they will get a sympathetic ear, practical advice, and stories of hope and inspiration from those of us lucky enough to have very little difficulties when it comes to 'snipping off a length of spine'. :cool:

A regular and smooth bowel movement is a sign of good emotional and physical health, and has positive impacts on all aspects of your life.

Nevin Parsnipp

A point very well made Brendan think about all the time you wasted in college reading Peig Sayers and the ****in Gallic Wars when you could have boning up (pardon the pun) on African Railway Sh1tters ?

You could have sluiced down an ar$eful of bhladdery midden without recourse to the gentleman in the dressing gown and slippers ...

Who sounded like a right dodgy cnunt ..if you dosent mind me observing.....

leocullensface

Oh dear

Bullocks

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Excellent observation Nevin, I’ll as quick as I can outline the value of this thread in real life.

Was traveling on the overnight train from Nairobi to Kampala and at a rather late hour full of Tuskar beer needed the lav

Rolled up the the convenience ,in, to be confronted by ... nothing.

Out and bursting and there was a local gent in dressing gown and slippers.

“Excuse me sahib, I’m new to the area, how does this unit work”?

“ Welcome my friend, allow me to show you.”

In he goes and points to a ‘manhole ‘ like device on the floor and a hooked rod hanging in the wall.

TAkes the rod, hooks to the cover, and exposes a hole in the floor with the tracks flashing by underneath.

Then. without warning, hikes up the dressing gown, flexes the knees like a golfer on the tee box, drops the muzzle and explodes a solid gout of meaty scutther into the hole...... nothing but net!!!

“That’s how to do it says he, to a lad who has dried up considerably.

“ Now I clean up in my carriage ,but now you know what to do”

Took me a while to pluck up the courage to unload.

Just a bit of advice for these situations... as Nevin said.

Brave man Ben, I'd sooner **** my pants than ask someone in Nairobi for help, he probably had your wallet gone while opening his robe! An awful hole of a place, I was fierce bound up when visiting