What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

The gamble

You got to know when to hold ‘em.

Bobblehats

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You got to know when to hold ‘em.

But of paramount importance; and the reason we do so indulge is when to offload it.

My sweet release may well be overbearing for some and so I always test the waters with the gaseous odoùr which may or may not precede a sneaky peak

Pero_Bueno

Speaking of fart roulette, I remember one night back in college we had been drinking since noon, and then went out for some fast food meal, the food probably tasted nice at the time, but adding in a gallon of carlsberg and a few guinness didn't add well to the mix.

I was on the dance floor busting some moves (well randomly moving to my own beat) when I was 100% confident of a dry fart coming, let it rip as it was back in the smoking days so no one would smell the thing - only for a hot gout of watery midden to exit my arsehole and roll down my legs.
Hot tailed it to the jax and did the best clean up job I could - left the place and had to walk home, I could hardly get a taxi home could I ?

I was living in Raheny at the time, it's about 1h45m walk from town to Raheny , I'd always get a bit nervous going through North Strand and Fairview, but once I'd be along Killester I'd be fine and enjoying the walk - mind you, I doubt any attackers would have come near me that night, the stench of rotten kippers would have knocked a troop of sewage workers out.

Hector Savage

This thread is the gift that keeps giving, it's almost a competition at this stage on who the best Ross O Carrol Kelly/Viz/Irvine Welsh writer is !

partyguinness

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Could you have gotten it into the shower? Then you could just “toe” it down the hole.

Jesus man that's cold.

That will just open up a whole new dimension of horror. A blocked shower cubicle filling up with last nights dinner floating around your feet plus you are naked.

I have no interest in picking bits of pepper and carrot from between my toes.

The horror is endless.

partyguinness

Out running last night on a 10k woodland trail with a new guy who joined us 2 weeks ago but he is anything but new. Late 50s, weathered tanned face that's a cross between Keith Richards and Iggy Pop- a veteran of over 90 marathons and already nicknamed the 'Warhorse'.

Running up a hill got some tell tale grumbles in the pit of the stomach. No interest playing fart roulette 5km from facilities in running shorts so I stopped to assess the situation while Warhorse ran on. Carefully let out a fart and caught up with him.

Me: 'Just a bit of trapped wind.'
Warhorse: 'So you farted.'
Me: 'Yes'

Warhorse and I will get on just fine. He knows the score.

Hector Savage

partyguinness wrote: »

Out running last night on a 10k woodland trail with a new guy who joined us 2 weeks ago but he is anything but new. Late 50s, weathered tanned face that's a cross between Keith Richards and Iggy Pop- a veteran of over 90 marathons and already nicknamed the 'Warhorse'.

Running up a hill got some tell tale grumbles in the pit of the stomach. No interest playing fart roulette 5km from facilities in running shorts so I stopped to assess the situation while Warhorse ran on. Carefully let out a fart and caught up with him.

Me: 'Just a bit of trapped wind.'
Warhorse: 'So you farted.'
Me: 'Yes'

Warhorse and I will get on just fine. He knows the score.

I'd say the warhorse has some stories to tell if he's a seasoned runner, get him on this thread !

Utter Consternation

partyguinness wrote: »

Jesus man that's cold.

That will just open up a whole new dimension of horror. A blocked shower cubicle filling up with last nights dinner floating around your feet plus you are naked.

I have no interest in picking bits of pepper and carrot from between my toes.

The horror is endless.

The dead eyes of a psychopath, staring at the turd as he slowly pushes it down the plughole.

JohnnyFlash

Had a proper feed of porter last night watching the Liverpool game last night, and also had a large portion of extra-hot chicken wings. Woke up this morning with an absolute belter of a headache, but had to go into the office regardless. Was driving past the McDonald's on East Wall Road and decided I'd head in for the breakfast - a double sausage and egg McMuffin, and a double bacon and sausage McMuffin. Two cups of coffee as well. I was only half way through the 2nd cup when I got a terrible cramp in my stomach , and a low and ominous rumbling sound. I had to get to a shítter - pronto. Bounded up the stairs 3 steps at a time, crashed through the door of the jacks, into the first cubicle, and released a huge load of liquid arse caramel. 'Shelved' most of it, and there was even specks of it right under the toilet seat. Had a little chuckle, then went to start the clean-up operation. Disaster! No TP for my bunghole! Not as much as a single solitary sheet.

Panicked for a few moments, but then started to put a plan into place - I'd trouser up, and see if the disabled toilets had more adequate supplies. I was as nervous as a taxi driver with 10 penalty points as I left the gents, and shuffled slowly and deliberately down the corridor to the disabled can. Be just the sort of time you'd bump into an old flame, or some gimp you play golf with wanting to have a chat about fundraising to redo the bunkers on the back 9. Thankfully the coast was clear, and the toilet had plenty of toilet paper. I'll admit there had been a small bit of 'spread' during my journey of survival, and a large amount of paperwork was required to bring the 'valley of death' back to 'Blue Flag' status. One of the things I do like about using the disabled toilets is those taps you can turn on with your elbow. There's also that bar beside the can that you could use for support if you are struggling to pass a bolus, but I've never had to rely on it.

Feel much better now, and will head to Punchstown this afternoon with an empty colon and a couple of hot tips I intend to lash the money on.

Voodoomelon

Question, how did you notice there was speckles of arse spray on the underside of the seat? Was it a case of lifting it in the hope you'd get a chuckle out of it? If so, kudos.

JohnnyFlash

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Question, how did you notice there was speckles of arse spray on the underside of the seat? Was it a case of lifting it in the hope you'd get a chuckle out of it? If so, kudos.

I lifted my arse cheeks slightly from the seat and took a very quick peek to see if things were as bad as I thought. They were and I could see that most of it was ‘walled’ with a very large ‘fallout zone’.

partyguinness

Stop...I am cracking up here.

Doctors room ghost

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I lifted my arse cheeks slightly from the seat and took a very quick peek to see if things were as bad as I thought. They were and I could see that most of it was ‘walled’ with a very large ‘fallout zone’.

It’s like blowing your nose johnny.its human nature to open the tissue to check the product before binning it.
It’s the same when you open the bomb doors and there’s a mass evacuation.its a built in human nature instinct to check on the outgoing goods to make sure there are no problems in the manufacturing department and that you are firing on all cylinders so to speak.

I remember one time I donated blood and the nurse said to take something for iron. The missus was pregnant at the time and she was on galfer so I spotted them and says they’ll do the job.i took two cos they were small and harmless looking.
Anyway fast forward and the following day I was in the old “post office” sending out my mail and when I stood up I instinctively checked the outgoing mail sitting pretty in the bowl.
Jet black she was.got the fright of my life.looked like something a coal miner would leave after him.
Had to get on the old dr google to see what was happening and ensure I wasn’t going to die from a rare form of blackus turdus.turns out galfer can in fact turn the bombers black.a known side effect.
Last time I double dropped a galfer.

Hector Savage

Art.

JF should receive a commission per post/thank on this thread

Brendan Bendar

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Question, how did you notice there was speckles of arse spray on the underside of the seat? Was it a case of lifting it in the hope you'd get a chuckle out of it? If so, kudos.

What the lad experienced there was,to use an aviation term ‘a microburst’ where a very strong ‘downdraught’ creates a very unstable situation close to the ground.

Before unloading in unstable profile it’s always best to assess this phenomenon as if the muzzle is close to ‘ground zero’ there can be severe ‘backdraught’ which can coat the extended units in a thin skein of sour scutter, that’s the ballbag and biffers ridge and possibly the knob and helmet.

Best to fire from ‘the shotgun’ in these forecast situations as the force will dissipate over the latrine furniture but leave the ‘launch pad area’ clear of contamination.

Hope that helps train folk to handle tricky manouvers such as this.

EmmetSpiceland

Ah you can see if you’ve splattered or speckled the upper rim with some blast discharge when you stand up and you know if it’s there then it’s probably under the seat itself.

I’ve had some poor luck in the toilets recently and that’s continued into today. Had a few pints last night and the first trip to the bog was very loud. The stool itself was soft and very dark.

The impact of the gassy farts meant it felt like my hole was coughing out black porridge. There was a lot of unwanted splashback whenever the expelled dump slapped the water.

That was the first of four or five trips in, the last one was squittsy. Not a lot of volume but a lot of heat and noise in sharp, short, bursts. Very uncomfortable.

I’m hoping a slight detox over the weekend will bring this rotten run to an end.

Pintman Paddy Losty

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Ah you can see if you’ve splattered or speckled the upper rim with some blast discharge when you stand up and you know if it’s there then it’s probably under the seat itself.

I’ve had some poor luck in the toilets recently and that’s continued into today. Had a few pints last night and the first trip to the bog was very loud. The stool itself was soft and very dark.

The impact of the gassy farts meant it felt like my hole was coughing out black porridge. There was a lot of unwanted splashback whenever the expelled dump slapped the water.

That was the first of four or five trips in, the last one was squittsy. Not a lot of volume but a lot of heat and noise in sharp, short, bursts. Very uncomfortable.

I’m hoping a slight detox over the weekend will bring this rotten run to an end.

Emmet, you were the one who advised covering the bowl with TP prior to splattering to prevent splashback. Did you not follow your own advice?

EmmetSpiceland

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Emmet, you were the one who advised covering the bowl with TP prior to splattering to prevent splashback. Did you not follow your own advice?

No. And I lived to regret it, P.

It wasn’t just the cheeks that got splashed, I took a cold jet right to the bulls(brown)eye. Caused me to jolt as it hit, nearly let out a shriek.

I’m just glad tomorrow is Friday. I know I spoke of a detox but I can’t help but feel that four pints of stout would settle things down.

Hotblack Desiato

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Stepped out of the lift and into an adjoining corridor, no one around so I let out a real trumpeting fart.

Missed opportunity there, you could have left the next lift passenger a little 'gift gas' as they used to call it in WWII

By the time they 'get it' the doors are closed, the lift is moving and it's too late to escape. :cool:

EmmetSpiceland

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Missed opportunity there, you could have left the next lift passenger a little 'gift gas' as they used to call it in WWII

By the time they 'get it' the doors are closed, the lift is moving and it's too late to escape. :cool:

Dirty pool, HD.

Utter Consternation

I heard a story about an auld one that uses the jacks in Galway Train Station. She goes in, takes a massive sh1t, covers it in toilet paper and sets fire to it. Apparently it has set the fire alarm off on numerous occasions. So if you ever see them doing a fire drill down there, it's probably because some auld one has torched her turds in the can.

Anyone ever heard of this type of carry on? Is it a fetish or some old time method for getting rid of 'the evidence?'

Hector Savage

Had a meeting there, usually I'm grand in the mornings and am quite carefull to have any "movements" sorted before a meeting.
This morning however I was a little careless and had a large coffee before the meeting.
We use Microsoft Teams as most of my colleagues are in different offices around Europe.
So normally if one needs to step out, it's barely noticed, of course just as I was about to excuse myself one lad over in the UK says "Hector can you give us an update on ...... "

F*ck me! just as the turtles head was poking out of the sheriffs badge too ..

Don't know how I composed myself, but managed to briefly speak and explain things for about 5 mins - of course then some other prick asks a question ..... finally finished up and casually skipped to the jacks, got the wranglers barely to the knees when there was a hot ejection of loose spluttery coffee coloured midden splattering on the freshly cleaned pewter.
The relief!!
Feels great afterwards, to get that toxic radioactive waste out of one's body.
clean hands, and have a nice new coffee in front of me!!!

Bliss..

Hector Savage

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I heard a story about an auld one that uses the jacks in Galway Train Station. She goes in, takes a massive sh1t, covers it in toilet paper and sets fire to it. Apparently it has set the fire alarm off on numerous occasions. So if you ever see them doing a fire drill down there, it's probably because some auld one has torched her turds in the can.

Anyone ever heard of this type of carry on? Is it a fetish or some old time method for getting rid of 'the evidence?'

Too big to flush ?
it's a weird one allright, I wouldn't think shit would burn either.

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I heard a story about an auld one that uses the jacks in Galway Train Station. She goes in, takes a massive sh1t, covers it in toilet paper and sets fire to it. Apparently it has set the fire alarm off on numerous occasions. So if you ever see them doing a fire drill down there, it's probably because some auld one has torched her turds in the can.

Anyone ever heard of this type of carry on? Is it a fetish or some old time method for getting rid of 'the evidence?'

There’s a lot of oddballs and weirdos in Galway, Utter. Was she a Connie?

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

There’s a lot of oddballs and weirdos in Galway, Utter. Was she a Connie?

No, East Galway. One would think that someone with a predilection for that type of thing would come from the west side of the county. They're pure muck savages out there.

EmmetSpiceland

That’s barbaric behaviour, UC. Barbaric.

Was just thinking there of a tip I once got for situations where you’ve left streaks or a bad smell in a work, or public, toilet.

Before you exit the cubicle lift up the seat, grab a bit of toilet paper, act like you’re blowing your nose and once the door is open throw the paper into the bowl to “cover your tracks”, as it were.

If any miscreant is breaching toilet etiquette by waiting for you to come out they’ll be thrown by the seat being up and the paper will disguise the mess you’ve left behind.

Nothing wrong with maintaining a little mystery.

JohnnyFlash

Some advice needed. I’ve a long journey coming up this morning - driving to North Donegal. Now I’ve currently no great desire to visit a latrine. There’s something a baking down there, but I’d say I have another hour or two to spare. Do I visit the jacks now and try and squeeze it out - the old clutching your knees, grunting and grimacing, doing those deep breathing exercises like a woman about to give birth, maybe take a hold of the toilet paper dispenser for extra leverage? Or should I wait until I’m on the road to find a facility and just sluice it out? Please note I’ll be smoking heavily and drinking about a litre of coffee on the way up there, so I might not have the luxury of time to find a dunny. And I don’t want to have to hop a gate and have do dump al fresco.

Utter Consternation

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

That’s barbaric behaviour, UC. Barbaric.

Was just thinking there of a tip I once got for situations where you’ve left streaks or a bad smell in a work, or public, toilet.

Before you exit the cubicle lift up the seat, grab a bit of toilet paper, act like you’re blowing your nose and once the door is open throw the paper into the bowl to “cover your tracks”, as it were.

If any miscreant is breaching toilet etiquette by waiting for you to come out they’ll be thrown by the seat being up and the paper will disguise the mess you’ve left behind.

Nothing wrong with maintaining a little mystery.

All smoke and mirrors. The David Blaine of taking sh1ts.

Hector Savage

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Some advice needed. I’ve a long journey coming up this morning - driving to North Donegal. Now I’ve currently no great desire to visit a latrine. There’s something a baking down there, but I’d say I have another hour or two to spare. Do I visit the jacks now and try and squeeze it out - the old clutching your knees, grunting and grimacing, doing those deep breathing exercises like a woman about to give birth, maybe take a hold of the toilet paper dispenser for extra leverage? Or should I wait until I’m on the road to find a facility and just sluice it out? Please note I’ll be smoking heavily and drinking about a litre of coffee on the way up there, so I might not have the luxury of time to find a dunny. And I don’t want to have to hop a gate and have do dump al fresco.

I'd go now JF, just dump whatever is in the hull at the moment, no need to bust a gut.

Otherwise (especially with the coffee) you could have a serious situation by 11.30

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Some advice needed. I’ve a long journey coming up this morning - driving to North Donegal. Now I’ve currently no great desire to visit a latrine. There’s something a baking down there, but I’d say I have another hour or two to spare. Do I visit the jacks now and try and squeeze it out - the old clutching your knees, grunting and grimacing, doing those deep breathing exercises like a woman about to give birth, maybe take a hold of the toilet paper dispenser for extra leverage? Or should I wait until I’m on the road to find a facility and just sluice it out? Please note I’ll be smoking heavily and drinking about a litre of coffee on the way up there, so I might not have the luxury of time to find a dunny. And I don’t want to have to hop a gate and have do dump al fresco.

Sorry, Johnny, when you say “north Donegal” are we talking Gweedore or the Moville north?

Either way, I’d hold off on dropping a stressful, forced, pre-travel dump. You don’t want to blow your arse inside out or suffer some sort of burst blood vessel in your head.

If you’re heading towards Moville I’d save it all up for a particularly nasty and vile evacuation in Portadown. If you think of it try down a jar of pickled gherkin juice and cod liver oil.

If it’s the Gweedore area I’d just tip the load at The Diamond in Monaghan town. Wouldn’t go seasoning the mess but still be sure to leave the good people with a smile and a nod as you go on your way.

Have a safe trip, chief.