What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland

I’m at a “team building”/conference event in Cork this week, shocking waste of time.

The place we’re in is quite nice though but the toilet, while immaculate and well appointed, had one major flaw, the toilet bowl itself. They are almost circular in shape, a long throat with a small splash zone. Also, the rim is very thin, as is the seat.

When you sit on the razor’s edge it’s very far up the back of your thigh and it’s almost instant blood cut off.

Anyway, this morning I had to use the main facilities. Everything was fine, I’ve had a good run of slick and solid movements of late, but the log itself was a joke. Very long, but not too thick, and it stayed connected even as it was breaking the surface of the water.

This is where the circular shape of the bowl went against me. I’m not sure exactly what happened but I think when the beast tapered off that it “coiled” in on itself and then sprung itself back up and to the side. It was beached on the bowl.

If I’d taken my own advice and “papered down” before unloading I think it would have been fine. The smell was very strong, nothing acrid but it did have that very “low register” pong that doesn’t go away.

I continued my “clean up” and hoped gravity would take its toll on the monster but it stayed put. I gave it a flush but the flush itself was one of them new “eco flo” types that are only ever set to stun. To my horror the log broke off below the water and was spirited away but the rest stay fixed to the porcelain. There was no brush behind the toilet, only a mocking silver holder.

I gave it two more goes with the flush but nothing changed. If I’d had a wire hanger I’d have been set but I wasn’t going to go up to the room to get one. So I did what anyone would have done. I covered the thing in paper, waited until the jacks sounded quiet and made my escape.

Hopefully it’s gone by now.

tgdaly

Happy 1,000 posts lads, more to come I'm sure!!

Woke Hogan

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Eh haven't you said very similar about your daughter.

Those in glass houses and all that

I never referred to her needing a crane to lift her anywhere.


My daughter has issues with her weight and I disagree with her "fat acceptance movement" ****e but she's still a human being at the end of the day.

gerrybbadd

All this chat about clothes hangers for chopping logs -

Do ye reckon there would be a market, in the current climate, for a new product - a shyte chopper? Imagine the scene now, you could have a set up beside the jacks, a bit like the fireside poker set. Your toilet brush, and your shyte chopper.

What form would it take? Would it require serrated edges for those more fibrous masses? I reckon something along the lines of half a hedge clippers would get the job done.

Bullocks

gerrybbadd wrote: »

All this chat about clothes hangers for chopping logs -

Do ye reckon there would be a market, in the current climate, for a new product - a shyte chopper? Imagine the scene now, you could have a set up beside the jacks, a bit like the fireside poker set. Your toilet brush, and your shyte chopper.

What form would it take? Would it require serrated edges for those more fibrous masses? I reckon something along the lines of half a hedge clippers would get the job done.

A hand blender . Battery powered

Purple Mountain

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

The shelf? Oh that's the SVP*

*Sh*t Viewing Platform

Anyone got an image of these toilets??

JohnnyFlash

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Anyone got an image of these toilets??

Disgusted even looking at the picture. Make you want to vote for Irexit.

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Disgusted even looking at the picture. Make you want to vote for Irexit.

You really do have to put some paper on the shelf to avoid shítty “streaks” after the flush drags it into the water below.

gerrybbadd

Jesus thats an abomination (abumination?)

I've never seen anything like that before. Why? Why God? That's a pure haven for streakage.

The only thing a man could do there is the aul Reverse Kanga, and sit backwards to drop off the Scheisse

Eggonyerface

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Jesus thats an abomination (abumination?)

I've never seen anything like that before. Why? Why God? That's a pure haven for streakage.

The only thing a man could do there is the aul Reverse Kanga, and sit backwards to drop off the Scheisse

Aka an A.C. Slater

EmmetSpiceland

gerrybbadd wrote: »

The only thing a man could do there is the aul Reverse Kanga, and sit backwards to drop off the Scheisse

I believe that’s also called “AC Slater-ing”.

EmmetSpiceland

Eggonyerface wrote: »

Aka an A.C. Slater

Good man, E.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You really do have to put some paper on the shelf to avoid shítty “streaks” after the flush drags it into the water below.

Would you believe the Germans have a word especially for that? Bremsspuren. It roughly translates as 'skid marks left from the lay and display toilet'.



And here is a Continental attempting to explain the etiquette around using them. Weirdos.

Purple Mountain

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Jesus thats an abomination (abumination?)

I've never seen anything like that before. Why? Why God? That's a pure haven for streakage.

The only thing a man could do there is the aul Reverse Kanga, and sit backwards to drop off the Scheisse

It's to stop the splash back from hitting your cheeks when you land one at 5mph in the water below I'd say.

SEPT 23 1989

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Disgusted even looking at the picture. Make you want to vote for Irexit.

How does that work?

There would be sh1te going up your back

JohnnyFlash

Compare and contrast with the cutting edge design of a Japanese boombox.

SEPT 23 1989

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Compare and contrast with the cutting edge design of a Japanese boombox.

What does that wire on the right hand side do or should I ask?

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Would you believe the Germans have a word especially for that? Bremsspuren. It roughly translates as 'skid marks left from the lay and display toilet'.



And here is a Continental attempting to explain the etiquette around using them. Weirdos.

Flushing while seated is just inviting a serous amount of splash water on the cheeks and “hole” area.

JohnnyFlash

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

What does that wire on the right hand side do or should I ask?

Of course you should ask; it shows a curious mind for the world. It's the pipe that heats the water used to clean your 'rusty tea towel holder'. So you select a cleansing option using the control panel on the left (or right, if you've just shunted out an arse baguette). The options determine the velocity, radius and temperature of the water. There's also buttons to dispense a 'strong deodorant', or to change the level of music played as you sit on the throne.



Some of the 5-star hotels over there also include toilets that allow you to finish up with a jet of warm air buffering your ringpiece, and a button that allows you to upload data pertaining to your movement to a compatible mobile application using bluetooth.

super_furry

Lads, does anyone still say gick?

Crusty Jocks

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

What does that wire on the right hand side do or should I ask?

see that plastic bit at the back with a small indent? a rod comes out and sprays your hoop. the control panel controls, temperature of the water and the pressure. when your knot is crystal clean, you then administer the blow dry on your arsehole hair. Your pucker essentially gets groomed by a machine everytime you take a dump.

(World Cup 2002 in Niigata - we were going to the jacks in supermarkets, department stores, fastfood places just for a rest and the experience, looked into ordering one when I got back, pricey...stuck with the jacksroll. I'd nearly go back there for the experience.

Matt Holland, daisy cutter....great moment followed by my best dump experience ever, nearly blew my beans being honest.)

Former Observer

Loving the internationalist vibe to this evening's posts. A lot of knowledgeable folk on here. A+ research.

Bobblehats

シ dakkosh!te!

EmmetSpiceland

super_furry wrote: »

Lads, does anyone still say gick?

I’ve heard it used for “crap” on one’s shoe and it’s also the “unofficial” nickname of a south Dublin school in the D6/6W area.

Now, “gicker” would have a very different meaning altogether but haven’t heard that one in a good while. It’s all “goother” this and “gowl” that these days.

SEPT 23 1989

Crusty Jocks wrote: »

see that plastic bit at the back with a small indent? a rod comes out and sprays your hoop. the control panel controls, temperature of the water and the pressure. when your knot is crystal clean, you then administer the blow dry on your arsehole hair. Your pucker essentially gets groomed by a machine everytime you take a dump.

(World Cup 2002 in Niigata - we were going to the jacks in supermarkets, department stores, fastfood places just for a rest and the experience, looked into ordering one when I got back, pricey...stuck with the jacksroll. I'd nearly go back there for the experience.

Matt Holland, daisy cutter....great moment followed by my best dump experience ever, nearly blew my beans being honest.)

I presume the blow dryer has heat settings

Last thing you need on the ring after a night on the indian and gargoyle is high temperatures

Former Observer

Crusty Jocks wrote: »

Your pucker essentially gets groomed by a machine everytime you take a dump.

I'd be very anxious about a toliet having so many moving parts. You'd have wet rods covered in another man's chite strafing your buthole, and then the last fella's pubes blown up into your gaping wound by the hairdryer.

JohnnyFlash

The Japanese are funny when it comes to facilities - most of them are cutting edge, and obviously have come about as a result of deep thinking by some of the finest minds in their engineering and ergonomics industries. But then you rock up to a rural train station and are met with a spartan and depressing squat facility. Strange country.

I was in Nara last year, and decided I'd have a feed of deep fried octopus from their equivalent of a chipper. The food is outstanding over there, but the octopus and 10 pints of lager was a bad combination, and I knew that the next morning as I found myself urgently trying to find a shítter. Marched into a small bus station, and all they had was squats. Had to squat extremely low down as I knew this was going to be a 'blowout' situation and I didn't want 'shrapnel' gathering on the back of my hiking shoes. God love the poor auld fella who looked like Mr. Miyagi who was waiting to use it after me. Really crop dusted that one.

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

I'd be very anxious about a toliet having so many moving parts. You'd have wet rods covered in another man's chite strafing your buthole, and then the last fella's pubes blown up into your gaping wound by the hairdryer.

Moving parts and whirring cogs could spell disaster for the man with a more “hirsute” cleft.

Hotblack Desiato

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Plenty involving continentals I’d imagine. The Germans in particular are depraved when it comes to that sort of thing.

I heard some of them even shyte into trouser presses. Dirty bastids.

Hotblack Desiato

Aglomerado wrote: »

With those "inspection shelf" bowls there is a plentiful harvest of fartile material.

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Italian shers always have the shelf. Bizarre and frankly disturbing design.

I used to think "continental shelf" was something to do with geology, then I spent a summer in Munich

"How the F is an average healthy man-turd supposed to fit down that tiny hole? And what in the living fcuk is that shelf there for?"

Crusty Jocks

Former Observer wrote: »

I'd be very anxious about a toliet having so many moving parts. You'd have wet rods covered in another man's chite strafing your buthole, and then the last fella's pubes blown up into your gaping wound by the hairdryer.

Fair point, but you have to factor in the jappers culture and respect for one another. It wouldn't last a week here, no decent free service does. There'd be lads bending the rod up giving self administered enemas, sticking their own tag nuts into the chute to fire up the next lads hoop. This would all happen before they get ripped off and you see "used jap jacks control panel and rod - bargain" on Adverts.ie

We're horrible c*nts.

JohnnyFlash

Has there ever been a finer piece of engineering than this?



I. S. Brunel rightly gets the plaudits as the finest engineer of the Victorian era. Thomas Crapper has to be up there though with the pull chain toilet. It's a piece of practical design and engineering that still remains the gold standard in shítter 'philosophy'. A man whose legacy will live throughout the ages.

Bullocks

I'd say a 20litre flush there and head of water from the cistern up high gave a great flush . There would be no need to hang around to give a second flush with those beauts . They would push a sod of turf far into the atlantic first time

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Has there ever been a finer piece of engineering than this?



I. S. Brunel rightly gets the plaudits as the finest engineer of the Victorian era. Thomas Crapper has to be up there though with the pull chain toilet. It's a piece of practical design and engineering that still remains the gold standard in shítter 'philosophy'. A man whose legacy will live throughout the ages.

With a drop like that the nutpurse would get a sluicing, one would suspect?

Lad I knew had a...well .. well filled freeswinging ballsack used to take those clear plastic bags you see in the veg dept of JCs and encase the cluster in one of them before going onto the thunderbox.

Kept the tackle dry as a witches tit, so he said.

Looks kind of ‘naked’ though, a few grip bars would be handy if shunting out a reluctant chod.

Would be hard to get good compression I would suggest.

EmmetSpiceland

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

With a drop like that the nutpurse would get a sluicing, one would suspect?

You put a buffer down first, B. Only way to avoid “Neptune’s Kiss”.

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You put a buffer down first, B. Only way to avoid “Neptune’s Kiss”.

The auld ‘Firemans Blanket’.

Good call

JohnnyFlash

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Has there ever been a finer piece of engineering than this?



I. S. Brunel rightly gets the plaudits as the finest engineer of the Victorian era. Thomas Crapper has to be up there though with the pull chain toilet. It's a piece of practical design and engineering that still remains the gold standard in shítter 'philosophy'. A man whose legacy will live throughout the ages.

That takes me right back to primary school, and memories of flushing away my ham sandwiches (I was an early opponent of pig farming), marietta biscuits (we were very poor), teachers' letters, other boys' pogs, and (once) an absolutely ruined pair of underpants (no explanation required).

Never once did she waver. Never once did she fail me.

Fair waters, you utter beauty. You are missed.

partyguinness

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

I locked the room up and headed off to the airport very happy with my innovative customer feedback. That was last Thursday. Still no word from mila with a review so I can only surmise my feedback is still stewing in the bowl.

Outstanding work Pintman. You have raised the bar in a thread packed with Sergey Bubkas.

All I can do is stand and applaud.

JohnnyFlash

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

That takes me right back to primary school, and memories of flushing away my ham sandwiches (I was an early opponent of pig farming), marietta biscuits (we were very poor), teachers' letters, other boys' pogs, and (once) an absolutely ruined pair of underpants (no explanation required).

Never once did she waver. Never once did she fail me.

Fair waters, you utter beauty. You are missed.

Lots of emotion in this post. Have you ever considered visiting Coole Park? There's a tree there where poet and writer sorts used to mince around. Top class dunny just off the tea rooms as well.

Voodoomelon

Google must be tracking my contributions in this thread, the following video popped up in my YouTube feed. Did I watch all 59 minutes of it? You're damn right I did.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZHm3vkavgM

The golden moment is 52:50, when Mr. Dignified shows his true colours.

Pero_Bueno

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Have it on good authority that after dropping a hefty load of brown sausage meat on to the shelf, most Germans stoop down bending from the hips and get right in there. Nostrils mere inches from the fecal stack and inhale deeply. Why is another question. Something deeply ingrained in the German psyche. Likely sexual.

Explains why she is so obsessed ..

Hotblack Desiato

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I. S. Brunel rightly gets the plaudits as the finest engineer of the Victorian era. Thomas Crapper has to be up there though with the pull chain toilet.

I grew up in a house with a pull chain toilet, an engineering marvel and work of lavatorial art it was.

Massive cast iron tank near the top of the wall, with an inscription in big raised letters

THE "HAMMOND"

 HAMMOND LANE FOUNDRY

     - DUBLIN -

Well any artist signs his work, does he not?

A handle of black bakelite with just the right heft to it. A chain of generous length and ample tensile strength to anchor a small tugboat. A massive iron lever on the top of the tank which raised and lowered the cast iron "bell" which did the actual flushing. No diaphragms or washers or any of that wimpy shyte to go wrong which modern toilets have, this was a toilet firmly in the Victorian tradition. A bog for the ages.

Problem was, any visitors couldn't flush the damn thing. It had a rhythm of its own which had to be respected. A half-hearted wimpy pull would produce nothing but a half a cupful to mock your efforts. An excessively speedy and vigorous attempt would bang the bell up and down too fast for the syphonic action to begin, producing maybe a half pint. Many's the time we heard the visitor repeatedly pulling the chain in desperation, sometimes advice was offered through the closed toilet door, sometimes we even had to intervene to get the job done.

The technique was a firm, but not excessively hard, pull
A vital pause, of 200 to perhaps 250 milliseconds at the end of the downstroke, to allow the syphon to 'prime'
Then a controlled return of the chain to the rest position, simply letting go did not produce optimum results.

A technique once learned, never forgotten and this thing could flush out an entire Russian spy ring in one go. Even my dad's Guinness shytes could not defeat it.

Over the decades it proudly took on sole responsibility for disposal of the waste products of not one, but two successive families in that one-pot household, from the first post-potty efforts to adulthood to... well I was going to say grandchildren's visits, but having grown up with modern lesser shytters they could never master the technique.

It soldiered on in its uncomplaining fashion, always getting the job done, until after over forty years and many arses and untold thousands of flush actions each resulting in the heavy cast iron bell impacting the bottom of the tank, the latter started to wear thin to the point where replacement was deemed necessary.

We got a modern toilet. It was never the same.

The tank alas probably ended up in a skip, even then it would have had considerable (s)crap value, they're collectors items today.

The "HAMMOND". Once known, never forgotten.

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

With a drop like that the nutpurse would get a sluicing, one would suspect?

These toilets were NOT intended to be flushed while in the sitting position.

Why would you want to, anyway? You could chuck in as many arts degrees as you liked, no need for an interim flush like so many inadequate 'water saving' (but not when you have to flush it a zillion times) crappers.

Pero_Bueno

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Would you believe the Germans have a word especially for that? Bremsspuren. It roughly translates as 'skid marks left from the lay and display toilet'.



And here is a Continental attempting to explain the etiquette around using them. Weirdos.

Feckin weirdos is right!!
Jaysus

Deebles McBeebles

Flushing twice, not very green now is it. I'm surprised the EU haven't banned them. An affront to a comfortable Sunday morning sh*te.

Scoundrel

I've had a stomach bug the last 2 days and I've been producing nothing but brown water since though im thankful to report that the consistency has improved to something resembling an aero youghurt this morning

Boom_Bap

Scoundrel wrote: »

I've had a stomach bug the last 2 days and I've been producing nothing but brown water since though im thankful to report that the consistency has improved to something resembling an aero youghurt this morning

The youghurt or the mousse?

gerrybbadd

I still can't get my head around this shelf craic.

Any bog that requires you to lay down sheets of toilet paper first is an abumination.

Scoundrel

Boom_Bap wrote: »

The youghurt or the mousse?

Mousse would be a better description right enough.

Hotblack Desiato

Voodoomelon wrote: »

The golden moment is 52:50, when Mr. Dignified shows his true colours.

I saw that when it was on TV

I didn't see anything too unusual at 52:50, what am I supposed to be looking for?

yermandan

Eggonyerface wrote: »

Aka an A.C. Slater

W.C. Slater