What's the etiquette here??

safeasparagus

Hector Savage wrote: »

Witches kiss ?

edit nevermind ...

Witches kiss
The cold wet sensation when your penis accidentally touches the porcelain of a toilet bowl.

Hector , it’s as important to avoid the kiss wherever possible as you don’t want a chunk of cheese lodged ‘under the skin’ if you catch my drift . Christ knows what behemoth of a man has been there before you unloading sour arse gravy and might enjoy the coolness of said ‘kiss’ . This is especially important in fast food outlets , when Paddy from Ballina comes looking for his snackbox , large coke , and a side order of taco fries , that’s after 12 pints of Arthur’s medicine the night before , one could say he has no bother leaving his own ‘taco fries’ in the facilities while reading the latest copy of the farmers journal laughing to himself as the smell envelopes the whole bathroom , so much so the next person coming in can actually ‘taste’ the ‘taco fries’ recently deposited.

One could say hector , absolutely savage .

Hector Savage

safeasparagus wrote: »

Hector , it’s as important to avoid the kiss wherever possible as you don’t want a chunk of cheese lodged ‘under the skin’ if you catch my drift . Christ knows what behemoth of a man has been there before you unloading sour arse gravy and might enjoy the coolness of said ‘kiss’ . This is especially important in fast food outlets , when Paddy from Ballina comes looking for his snackbox , large coke , and a side order of taco fries , that’s after 12 pints of Arthur’s medicine the night before , one could say he has no bother leaving his own ‘taco fries’ in the facilities while reading the latest copy of the farmers journal laughing to himself as the smell envelopes the whole bathroom , so much so the next person coming in can actually ‘taste’ the ‘taco fries’ recently deposited.

One could say hector , absolutely savage .

Tears running down my face here in work ... best thread in a long time!!

Hotblack Desiato

Former Observer wrote: »

The hand dryer disturbs anal flora littered throughout the lavatory region lifting it from other surfaces with discrete currents of air.

Anal Flora?

Is that what Marlon Brando used in Last Tango In Paris?

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Turns out Savalon isn't a good balm when it comes to trying to soothe the old '18 spoker' either. Not looking for medical advice, obviously, but any advice for an effective topical medication for a case of 'ring sting' that would have the Pope himself pleading to Satan for relief??

Got a tube of ointment in Australia years ago which was the best stuff ever - insect bite cream with Lidocaine. Fantastic for the 'ring sting' although tolerance and physical dependence are possible with regular use - you'd never think your arse could get hooked on drugs, so be warned.

Stuff is no doubt highly illegal over here and it was a sad day in the Desiato household when the tube finally ran out. Never been able to find the likes of it over here.

The relief, though - I remember the sensation to this day. Just amazing stuff.

Peatys

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Not looking for medical advice, obviously, but any advice for an effective topical medication for a case of 'ring sting'

Wet the tissue in the sink before wiping.

You're welcome.

Hector Savage

Peatys wrote: »

Wet the tissue in the sink before wiping.

You're welcome.

That's a dangerous one Peat ... the paper can come apart in as you wipe and one can end up giving oneself an involuntarily prostate exam.

Come on , these are rookie mistakes here!!

TP in the fridge the night before is a better option.
Nice and cool and refreshing as you polish the sheriffs badge...

Voodoomelon

Well over a decade ago when I was a barman, we used to work long ass hours, the guts of 6pm to 3am with essentially a 30 minute break towards the end. Many of us, myself included would suffer from the horrendous affliction that was 'waiters butt'.

Hours and hours of hot, relentless, sweaty work would result in an arsehole akin to a Thai Onion Ring. The cheeks would become inflamed and itchy, you could spot it a mile off as youd have staff waddling like John Wayne to grab the G&Ts. Left long enough, it became rightly painful.

A good way to kick it down the road was to nip upstairs to the jacks and have a solid wiping session. All too often one of the lads would say 'back in a minute, just off for a wipe'.

The chafing would persist though, at the end of the night you'd be back home with a bag of frozen broccoli stuck between your arse cheeks.

The first poop the next day was never pleasant, like rubbing a hot takeaway sausage against burnt skin. Not fun.

Brendan Bendar

Aah heeyur


Lookit.... your lass... get a kernt cork off her.... dip it in water for a short time... into the pub.... cork into the freezer.... when the dogs start barking... out of the freezer....stoop from the hips......lodge the device into the arse crack hard agin the raisin.....rope side down..... r. e. l. i. e. f.



Common sense boys.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Aah heeyur


Lookit.... your lass... get a kernt cork off her.... dip it in water for a short time... into the pub.... cork into the freezer.... when the dogs start barking... out of the freezer....stoop from the hips......lodge the device into the arse crack hard agin the raisin.....rope side down..... r. e. l. i. e. f.



Common sense boys.

Make sure it’s water, Brendan, and not vinegar, or God forbid, sulphuric acid.

Do you think vodka would work?

sligojoek

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

There’s a lot of oddballs and weirdos in Galway, Utter. Was she a Connie?

Utter Consternation wrote: »

No, East Galway. One would think that someone with a predilection for that type of thing would come from the west side of the county. They're pure muck savages out there.

THat's for sure. I know a guy near Letterfrack who laid a cable in the middle of his lane to keep tourists away. I posted an email I got from him before. I'll have a look for it when I get to the laptop.

sligojoek

Found it.

I hadta get up early round 6 am to piss but then awful dose of c**tscour hit wit vengeance so wit cool,calculating,deliberation i ran out onto the c***** road & emptied my arse right in the middle of it, now all the tourists are staring at it when walkin over the road from michael *****'s b&b, there's no rain ta wash it away & because road so narrow & it in the middle of the road even a car cant run over it so looks like it'll be there for a long time! Looks like a king cobra thats coiled up & a pointy top on it like from an ice cream machine - never let it be said i did'nt do my bit for the tourist industry

Brendan Bendar

Sign that dude up, bro.

sligojoek

I must look up my old phone. I've a load of texts from him. Most of them start with "You wouldn't believe what just came out of my ar$e"

Hector Savage

How are the balloon knots this morning ?

Sonny noggs

sligojoek wrote: »

THat's for sure. I know a guy near Letterfrack who laid a cable in the middle of his lane to keep tourists away. I posted an email I got from him before. I'll have a look for it when I get to the laptop.

How long? I laid a couple of feet of cable earlier.

tgdaly

Few of the cubicles in work already wrote off and not halfway through the day. Must be lads getting through a serious back log of "work" after the long weekend. Thank fook they're cleaned every evening

Bartyman

Seeing as the up and coming Boards legend JohnnyFlash brought up the issue of "Ring Sting", I thought I'd add my contribution.

Last job I had we had a version of "Come dine with me", every second Thursday someone would cook a dish for the gang of 8.

My dish was the then hottest curry in the world " Satans Ashes". https://bridge-troll.livejournal.com/407144.html


It was hot going in and was going to be twice as hot coming out, anyway roll on Friday morning, made sure all the lads had a good mug of coffee.

About 10:30am, would make my way to the toilets, it would sound and smell like the chimp house in Dublin Zoo.

Oooh, oooh, aahhhh, lads cursing and swearing, some of the older lads even renewed their religion.

After one Friday morning episode, one lad looked out at the wet grass and said " He felt like dropping the cacks and dragging his arse along the grass like a dog to get some relief". :D

partyguinness

I can feel the pain. I did this with a Vindaloo about 10 years ago and stone cold sober and just milk. I trashed about the kitchen like a shot deer. My brain has blocked out the experience and cannot recall what else happened.

Utter Consternation

I'd say this lads training 'diet' might lead to some interesting emissions.

https://www.rte.ie/archives/2018/0425/957178-around-ireland-in-a-currach/

sligojoek

I found another email from Connemara man.

Last night I was dreamin I was on top of croagh patrick, Irelands holy mountain to those of you of the thicker nature of c*nts who dont know geography or c*nt all in general, anyway, I was on top and beside the oratory and next ting I felt a sensation like a knife in my arse (a very familiar feeling by all accounts) so I pulled down my trousers as fast as I could so as to keep the ould veteran underpants safe from sh1t-shrapnel & dangerous wet "ghost farts" so I crouched down like a dog out in the fields and I emptied my arse, I could feel *****cour flowing outa my ****crack like lava out of a c*nt volcano, and then my arse got airlocked and awful pressure built up and next ting a huge fart exploded outa my ****ter and c*ntscour went flying everywhere, twas on the back of my balls and on my ankles and of course being on top of croagh patrick, there was'nt any c*ntpaper to wipe my sh1ttcrack so I had to drag my arse after me on the bit of sparse grass that was there, reminded me of a dog with tapeworm dragging his arse after him in the grass, so I was able to see c*ntscour running down the side of croagh patrick all the way as the eye could see and it even flowed into westport.......Hope to f*ck matt molloy was'nt there
Well the dream ended there and tank **** I wakened up, I looked down, the w4nking machine was still there, the red light was on so that meant twas full again so f*ck all new there, but at least I was home in bed and not on top of croagh patrick sh1tting like some mad, deranged c*nt, f*ck I'm gonna havta cut back on my alcohol intake as thats what I'm blaming on last nights nocturnal brain activity. I said it before and I'm sayin it again.......its not aizy ta be a c*nt.
Right, well I must empty the w4nking machine & put in a new bag, off for the cure after that and tis badly wanted.

partyguinness

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I'd say this lads training 'diet' might lead to some interesting emissions.

https://www.rte.ie/archives/2018/0425/957178-around-ireland-in-a-currach/

I'd say the fat ****er is still out there rowing trying to complete it. His press up technique was atrocious.

Former Observer

Anyone ever experience anal gasping? Haven't had it in donkey's years but always wondered how common it was.

Hector Savage

Former Observer wrote: »

Anyone ever experience anal gasping? Haven't had it in donkey's years but always wondered how common it was.

Sounds wretched, like some sort of mad antics that consenting adults having sexy time would get up to ...

Former Observer

Hector Savage wrote: »

Sounds wretched, like some sort of mad antics the gay fellas would get up to ...

Ah now there's nothing sexual about it.

dib

I don't do cubicles. Too many variables that make for an undesirable evacuation. Always go for the disabled jacks or the baby changing jacks.

Which was exactly what happened a few days ago.

I was driving through Blackrock village on my way back to work after a nice long lunch when I felt the familiar gurgle and shifting in my guts that could only mean one thing. A searing dose of the Leon Trotskies was imminent and I had to find somewhere NOW.

As fate would have it, I saw vacant parking space near The Three Tun Tavern. The sunlight beamed down upon it as if the heavens were showing me the way (or giving me a sidequest) so I swung the car in and made a swift waddle towards the boozer. "Use the parking app on the phone while I'm pebble dashing the bowl", I rationalized and burst through the front doors.

Old men deep in their afternoon cups looked up in annoyance at my urgency but I cared not a whit. A quick scan for signs near the bar revealed nothing. Things were bad at this stage. My arsehole felt like it was pulsing between the size of a 1c coin and a manhole and back again. I looked to my right and a saw door that slightly ajar for which I made a beeline. I was fully prepared to use a staff toilet at this stage but lo and behold! It was the holy grail of public toilets - the baby changing toilet!

My belt already open I slammed the door behind me, whipped the bags down and let it all go.
The result shook me to my core. Chief O' Brien from Star Trek would have declared that structural integrity levels were at 0.01% and falling but luckily I'd contained the hull breach until I found that little room in The Three Tun Tavern. I felt like I'd shat out every major organ in my body and I was sweating, shaking and breathing heavily, which I quickly realized was my undoing because the smell was horrific.

I'm usually absolutely fine with the smell of my own ****e but this was something else. Like a bag of dead skunks on a hot day. Like Brian Cowan's y-fronts after three days on him in the Galway Tent. I could take no more so I vowed to leave as soon as my weakened and shocked body would allow.
But then I heard it. The knock on the door and the young lady assuring her wee boy that the toilet would be free soon and to hold on.

I wiped my arse as best I could, but it took forever. The toilet paper just kept coming as it was if someone had glued a warm stick of butter to my barse. I was wiping but more and more yellow scutter was coming away, smeared on the one ply tracing paper that doubled for jacks roll in this "Fine establishment". So much for Blackrock being a posh town.

Finally having wrangled myself into some sort of a presentable state I flushed the jacks and looked down, praying. My prayers went unanswered as the water level in the bowl rose to dangerous levels and then stayed there. Rivulets of yellow ****e and strips of jacks roll swam around the bowl looking like I'd just liquidized a Mummy. Nothing to do but wash the hands and beat a hasty retreat.

I opened the door and mumbled a brief sorry to the mother and her son and tried to move towards the door but there was a group of Americans in the way.
My heart sank when I heard the toilet door close. From inside I heard the poor child start to cry and say he that didn't want to go but couldn't hold it. Then came his little retches - HURP! HURP! HURP! - as he began to puke into the jacks. I heard his Mother telling him it was going to be ok, but I knew it wasn't.
It was never going to be ok for that little lad. I felt terrible but pushed my way past the Americans and just ran to my car and sat there for 5 mins wracked with guilt and sweat.

I hope I never have a reason to go back there.

Former Observer

dib wrote: »

I don't do cubicles. Too many variables that make for an undesirable evacuation. Always go for the disabled jacks or the baby changing jacks.

Which was exactly what happened a few days ago....

You sir are a hero.

Utter Consternation

partyguinness wrote: »

I'd say the fat ****er is still out there rowing trying to complete it. His press up technique was atrocious.

I saw fair fcuks to him. Exercising is a new form of religion these days. Cnuts pontificating about how they're running marathons in Berlin and such like. I couldn't give a bollocks about it. I couldn't give a toss how quick someone did a 5k.

Boring bastids.

Voodoomelon

dib wrote: »

and just ran to my car and sat there for 5 mins wracked with guilt and sweat. laughing my arse off

is what I would have done!

Doctors room ghost

partyguinness wrote: »

I'd say the fat ****er is still out there rowing trying to complete it. His press up technique was atrocious.

I googled him lads not being a million miles from him and having never heard of him.he died in 2014. Dont know how far he got in the boat.anyone know post it out of interest

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I saw fair fcuks to him. Exercising is a new form of religion these days. Cnuts pontificating about how they're running marathons in Berlin and such like. I couldn't give a bollocks about it. I couldn't give a toss how quick someone did a 5k.

Boring bastids.

I’d say your only exercise, pal, is lifting a 568ml weight off the counter.

Pero_Bueno

dib wrote: »

I don't do cubicles. Too many variables that make for an undesirable evacuation. Always go for the disabled jacks or the baby changing jacks.

Which was exactly what happened a few days ago.

I was driving through Blackrock village on my way back to work after a nice long lunch when I felt the familiar gurgle and shifting in my guts that could only mean one thing. A searing dose of the Leon Trotskies was imminent and I had to find somewhere NOW.

As fate would have it, I saw vacant parking space near The Three Tun Tavern. The sunlight beamed down upon it as if the heavens were showing me the way (or giving me a sidequest) so I swung the car in and made a swift waddle towards the boozer. "Use the parking app on the phone while I'm pebble dashing the bowl", I rationalized and burst through the front doors.

Old men deep in their afternoon cups looked up in annoyance at my urgency but I cared not a whit. A quick scan for signs near the bar revealed nothing. Things were bad at this stage. My arsehole felt like it was pulsing between the size of a 1c coin and a manhole and back again. I looked to my right and a saw door that slightly ajar for which I made a beeline. I was fully prepared to use a staff toilet at this stage but lo and behold! It was the holy grail of public toilets - the baby changing toilet!

My belt already open I slammed the door behind me, whipped the bags down and let it all go.
The result shook me to my core. Chief O' Brien from Star Trek would have declared that structural integrity levels were at 0.01% and falling but luckily I'd contained the hull breach until I found that little room in The Three Tun Tavern. I felt like I'd shat out every major organ in my body and I was sweating, shaking and breathing heavily, which I quickly realized was my undoing because the smell was horrific.

I'm usually absolutely fine with the smell of my own ****e but this was something else. Like a bag of dead skunks on a hot day. Like Brian Cowan's y-fronts after three days on him in the Galway Tent. I could take no more so I vowed to leave as soon as my weakened and shocked body would allow.
But then I heard it. The knock on the door and the young lady assuring her wee boy that the toilet would be free soon and to hold on.

I wiped my arse as best I could, but it took forever. The toilet paper just kept coming as it was if someone had glued a warm stick of butter to my barse. I was wiping but more and more yellow scutter was coming away, smeared on the one ply tracing paper that doubled for jacks roll in this "Fine establishment". So much for Blackrock being a posh town.

Finally having wrangled myself into some sort of a presentable state I flushed the jacks and looked down, praying. My prayers went unanswered as the water level in the bowl rose to dangerous levels and then stayed there. Rivulets of yellow ****e and strips of jacks roll swam around the bowl looking like I'd just liquidized a Mummy. Nothing to do but wash the hands and beat a hasty retreat.

I opened the door and mumbled a brief sorry to the mother and her son and tried to move towards the door but there was a group of Americans in the way.
My heart sank when I heard the toilet door close. From inside I heard the poor child start to cry and say he that didn't want to go but couldn't hold it. Then came his little retches - HURP! HURP! HURP! - as he began to puke into the jacks. I heard his Mother telling him it was going to be ok, but I knew it wasn't.
It was never going to be ok for that little lad. I felt terrible but pushed my way past the Americans and just ran to my car and sat there for 5 mins wracked with guilt and sweat.

I hope I never have a reason to go back there.

I think we have a new winner!!