What's the etiquette here??

Alpha_zero

dib wrote: »

I don't do cubicles. Too many variables that make for an undesirable evacuation. Always go for the disabled jacks or the baby changing jacks.

Which was exactly what happened a few days ago.

I was driving through Blackrock village on my way back to work after a nice long lunch when I felt the familiar gurgle and shifting in my guts that could only mean one thing. A searing dose of the Leon Trotskies was imminent and I had to find somewhere NOW.

As fate would have it, I saw vacant parking space near The Three Tun Tavern. The sunlight beamed down upon it as if the heavens were showing me the way (or giving me a sidequest) so I swung the car in and made a swift waddle towards the boozer. "Use the parking app on the phone while I'm pebble dashing the bowl", I rationalized and burst through the front doors.

Old men deep in their afternoon cups looked up in annoyance at my urgency but I cared not a whit. A quick scan for signs near the bar revealed nothing. Things were bad at this stage. My arsehole felt like it was pulsing between the size of a 1c coin and a manhole and back again. I looked to my right and a saw door that slightly ajar for which I made a beeline. I was fully prepared to use a staff toilet at this stage but lo and behold! It was the holy grail of public toilets - the baby changing toilet!

My belt already open I slammed the door behind me, whipped the bags down and let it all go.
The result shook me to my core. Chief O' Brien from Star Trek would have declared that structural integrity levels were at 0.01% and falling but luckily I'd contained the hull breach until I found that little room in The Three Tun Tavern. I felt like I'd shat out every major organ in my body and I was sweating, shaking and breathing heavily, which I quickly realized was my undoing because the smell was horrific.

I'm usually absolutely fine with the smell of my own ****e but this was something else. Like a bag of dead skunks on a hot day. Like Brian Cowan's y-fronts after three days on him in the Galway Tent. I could take no more so I vowed to leave as soon as my weakened and shocked body would allow.
But then I heard it. The knock on the door and the young lady assuring her wee boy that the toilet would be free soon and to hold on.

I wiped my arse as best I could, but it took forever. The toilet paper just kept coming as it was if someone had glued a warm stick of butter to my barse. I was wiping but more and more yellow scutter was coming away, smeared on the one ply tracing paper that doubled for jacks roll in this "Fine establishment". So much for Blackrock being a posh town.

Finally having wrangled myself into some sort of a presentable state I flushed the jacks and looked down, praying. My prayers went unanswered as the water level in the bowl rose to dangerous levels and then stayed there. Rivulets of yellow ****e and strips of jacks roll swam around the bowl looking like I'd just liquidized a Mummy. Nothing to do but wash the hands and beat a hasty retreat.

I opened the door and mumbled a brief sorry to the mother and her son and tried to move towards the door but there was a group of Americans in the way.
My heart sank when I heard the toilet door close. From inside I heard the poor child start to cry and say he that didn't want to go but couldn't hold it. Then came his little retches - HURP! HURP! HURP! - as he began to puke into the jacks. I heard his Mother telling him it was going to be ok, but I knew it wasn't.
It was never going to be ok for that little lad. I felt terrible but pushed my way past the Americans and just ran to my car and sat there for 5 mins wracked with guilt and sweat.

I hope I never have a reason to go back there.

Hey Bro you got a good flow to your story, did you write Game of Thrones Finale.

Brendan Bendar

Pero_Bueno wrote: »

I think we have a new winner!!

Must have a hole like a cat flap.

Alpha_zero

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Must have a hole like a cat flap.

Could you be more descriptive on how you think his anus resembles a cat flap?

sligojoek

I just seen the score in the Liverpool Barca match. Squeaky bum time in Johnny's house.

JoeEJ

Worked in a place years ago where they use to have a 'huddle' every morning to discuss the deeds of the day.

I was new there but gathered that a bloke who was my colleague had a history with our team leader. She was a bitch and not respected but feared by the the team.

One morning, we met for the huddle and the bloke didn't turn up even though we all knew he was in that day.

When we went to have the 'huddle', she made us wait for him.

We waited.

10 minutes later he arrived.

She looked at him and said 'where were you?'

He sighed and shrugged.

She persisted.

So he laid it out. She was staring at him looking for an excuse. He turned, looked at the rest of the team, sighed and said 'i was going for a shyte'

:pac:

partyguinness

JohnnyF will be on flying form now. Get the man a chicken Madras and a slab of Guinness. Stat.

Pero_Bueno

sligojoek wrote: »

I just seen the score in the Liverpool Barca match. Squeaky bum time in Johnny's house.

AFAIK he is a Liverpool fan, so cannot wait to hear the story.
I'm sure he's cracking open the 14th can of Guinness now and enjoying his evening... good man Johhny, take your time and report back tomorrow.

Aglomerado

Pero_Bueno wrote: »

AFAIK he is a Liverpool fan, so cannot wait to hear the story.
I'm sure he's cracking open the 14th can of Guinness now and enjoying his evening... good man Johhny, take your time and report back tomorrow.

He'll never shyte alone!

safeasparagus

partyguinness wrote: »

JohnnyF will be on flying form now. Get the man a chicken Madras and a slab of Guinness. Stat.

Let’s hope he stayed away from the Jalepeno snacks or his ‘Japanese flag’ will be quickly turned into a Chinese one if your with me .

Hector Savage

Wow What a f*cking match!!!
Cannot wait to here from JF


Boards needs an @ notification system.

@JohnnyFlash calling @JohnnyFlash ....

partyguinness

Hector Savage wrote: »

Wow What a f*cking match!!!
Cannot wait to here from JF


Boards needs an @ notification system.

@JohnnyFlash calling @JohnnyFlash ....

He might be in labour as we speak....:pac:

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’d say your only exercise, pal, is lifting a 568ml weight off the counter.

Where's the shame in enjoying a few frothy beverages???

Brendan Bendar

He might have difficulty ‘logging’ on.

Probably hawking up and gobbing ‘gold watches’ on the footpaths after a night on the fags.

Teeth on him like rotten picket fence.

Utter Consternation

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

He might have difficulty ‘logging’ on.

Probably hawking up and gobbing ‘gold watches’ on the footpaths after a night on the fags.

Teeth on him like rotten picket fence.

Probably still hasn't turned over in the cot yet, Brenner.

Fr_Dougal

This thread is very much reminiscent of The Thunder Dome.

Wonder what John Q. Taxpayer feels about that.

EmmetSpiceland

He’ll be using both stalls in the work jacks today.

Utter Consternation

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

He’ll be using both stalls in the work jacks today.

God help the poor cnuts that work for him, having to put up with the smell of stale BO and fart for most of their working days.

Dirty bastid.

Brendan Bendar

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Probably still hasn't turned over in the cot yet, Brenner.

Aaah he would have, the big puddle of cold piss after the Bin Dippers win would have shifted him.

Whack of stale Guinness and Bombay mix off the bed.

Brendan Bendar

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

This thread is very much reminiscent of The Thunder Dome.

Wonder what John Q. Taxpayer feels about that.

Thunderdome?

Before my time I’m afraid.... is it still accessible?

What happened.

Utter Consternation

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Aaah he would have, the big puddle of cold piss after the Bin Dippers win would have shifted him.

Whack of stale Guinness and Bombay mix off the bed.

A dangerous situation for a middle aged man like himself to be in. Things might not be as 'elastic' anymore.

In all probability he has sh1t the bed on more than one occasion.

EmmetSpiceland

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

This thread is very much reminiscent of The Thunder Dome.

It’s the exact opposite, this thread started because “one man enters, two men leave”!

Former Observer

When I was thirteen I used to stay over in my friend’s house on Saturday nights once a month or so. Now we’d spend our evenings hanging out around the Marina in our X-Factor Jeans smoking Rothmans and Marlboros Lights before traipsing over to the video store to rent out Sly Stallone’s The Specialist, Basic Instinct, Nine and ½ Weeks, or Driller Killer. But in the morning his mother used to drive us out to a beautiful swimming pool with all the mod cons, water slide, jacuzzi etc.

I say the first time it happened it happened by accident. I would have been swimming in the main area wearing my swimming shorts (baggy pink, yellow and turquoise yokes as was popular back in the day) when I felt a twitch. Now when I say twitch I mean more like a very slight intake of breath from my sphincter. This was followed by a large gasp as my raisin ring sucked in what felt like a large volume of water, I then expelled this water through my anus. In this way I had achieved my first gasp. Once I started doing this I could not stop, and every time for the next three years that we went swimming I continued to recycle water through my angus as I swam, imagining as I did that I was a one of those cute tug boats that shoots out water from it's underside as it makes steady progress up the river channel laden down with goods or whatnot.

I say I was about 15 when I issued my first fin. Now all this anal breathing was good and all, but sure enough, one day I got the process ever so slightly wrong and instead of just microscopic debris and anal gasses circulating the pool, a little brown fin (a chite that I liked to imagine was smooth and flat shaped like a fin) poked a couple of inches out of my angus during an outbreath. This fin could be sucked back inside the chute or edged out a little further as I swam, and in my mind’s eye the brown tail would gently sweep left and right like a real fish as I dipped and dove throughout the leisure pool. I used to do this every time I swam.

So maybe a year or so after my discovery of the first scutterfish I was paddlin' around through the Jacuzzi section tail-intact as usual when a particularly strong updraft pulled up the back of my big puffy swimming shorts to reveal what must have looked like a long and dark and very robust length of chite coloured anchor rope protruding directly from my prune. I know this because the old folk and resting parents (including my friend’s mother) who were taking a breather in this section all gasped and started to struggle manically to exit the Jacuzzi section.

Of course all the commotion cut the little fecker loose so as of that moment, we had a turd loose in the pool. And oh my what a turd it was. Not the smooth little brown crest of lemon sole I’d always imagined but a long dark brown tentacle arm whose iron content must have been sky high. This bastard was the length of my fifteen year old forearm. A real river monster. In my naivety I thought the best way to deal with the situation was act like the others, flapping around and trying to get away from it as if it weren’t my own, but they’d seen it riding back and forth whilst still attached to my bare bottom and they’d seen the little fecker scuppered and set adrift, that pained look in my my eye as I winced and cut that baby loose from my balloon knot. They knew I was the culprit and as I tried to disappear and mingle with the crowd they panicked and tried to get further away from me, as the dark brown sea monster sank to its water grave.

Funny thing was that in those days something like that wouldn’t embarrass me, and I continued with underwater breathing and 'fining' for maybe another year.

Hate public pools now though. Will only swim in the sea unless I need a diving board.

Did you just admit to sh*tting yourself in a swimming pool and not being bothered about it? Or am I reading it wrong?

tgdaly

Former Observer wrote: »

When I was thirteen I used to stay over in my friend’s house on Saturday nights once a month or so. Now we’d spend our evenings hanging out around the Marina in our X-Factor Jeans smoking Rothmans and Marlboros Lights before traipsing over to the video store to rent out Sly Stallone’s The Specialist, Basic Instinct, Nine and ½ Weeks, or Driller Killer. But in the morning his mother used to drive us out to a beautiful swimming pool with all the mod cons, water slide, jacuzzi etc.

I say the first time it happened it happened by accident. I would have been swimming in the main area wearing my swimming shorts (baggy pink, yellow and turquoise yokes as was popular back in the day) when I felt a twitch. Now when I say twitch I mean more like a very slight intake of breath from my sphincter. This was followed by a large gasp as my raisin ring sucked in what felt like a large volume of water, I then expelled this water through my anus. In this way I had achieved my first gasp. Once I started doing this I could not stop, and every time for the next three years that we went swimming I continued to recycle water through my angus as I swam, imagining as I did that I was a one of those cute tug boats that shoots out water from it's underside as it makes steady progress up the river channel laden down with goods or whatnot.

I say I was about 15 when I issued my first fin. Now all this anal breathing was good and all, but sure enough, one day I got the process ever so slightly wrong and instead of just microscopic debris and anal gasses circulating the pool, a little brown fin (a chite that I liked to imagine was smooth and flat shaped like a fin) poked a couple of inches out of my angus during an outbreath. This fin could be sucked back inside the chute or edged out a little further as I swam, and in my mind’s eye the brown tail would gently sweep left and right like a real fish as I dipped and dove throughout the leisure pool. I used to do this every time I swam.

So maybe a year or so after my discovery of the first scutterfish I was paddlin' around through the Jacuzzi section tail-intact as usual when a particularly strong updraft pulled up the back of my big puffy swimming shorts to reveal what must have looked like a long and dark and very robust length of chite coloured anchor rope protruding directly from my prune. I know this because the old folk and resting parents (including my friend’s mother) who were taking a breather in this section all gasped and started to struggle manically to exit the Jacuzzi section.

Of course all the commotion cut the little fecker loose so as of that moment, we had a turd loose in the pool. And oh my what a turd it was. Not the smooth little brown crest of lemon sole I’d always imagined but a long dark brown tentacle arm whose iron content must have been sky high. This bastard was the length of my fifteen year old forearm. A real river monster. In my naivety I thought the best way to deal with the situation was act like the others, flapping around and trying to get away from it as if it weren’t my own, but they’d seen it riding back and forth whilst still attached to my bare bottom and they’d seen the little fecker scuppered and set adrift, that pained look in my my eye as I winced and cut that baby loose from my balloon knot. They knew I was the culprit and as I tried to disappear and mingle with the crowd they panicked and tried to get further away from me, as the dark brown sea monster sank to its water grave.

Funny thing was that in those days something like that wouldn’t embarrass me, and I continued with underwater breathing and 'fining' for maybe another year.

Hate public pools now though. Will only swim in the sea unless I need a diving board.

That sort of stuff in the bathroom, roadside, or even a very fast moving train = all good

That sort of stuff in a swimming pool? Think we have to draw the line somewhere in this thread, very high standards around here!

Former Observer

tgdaly wrote: »

That sort of stuff in the bathroom, roadside, or even a very fast moving train = all good

That sort of stuff in a swimming pool? Think we have to draw the line somewhere in this thread, very high standards around here!

I think it's important that there is space in here for all of us to tell our stories without judgment. Not all of our stories will have the big budget, crowd-pleasing, silver screen quality of say a Jaws or Titanic, but more marginal stories do need a place to be heard. We can't keep them inside all our lives. They need to be cut loose.

partyguinness

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

I googled him lads not being a million miles from him and having never heard of him.he died in 2014. Dont know how far he got in the boat.anyone know post it out of interest

TBH I sincerely doubt he made it more than a few days at the very very most- without wishing to be a prick but look at the state of him.

Utter Consternation

partyguinness wrote: »

TBH I sincerely doubt he made it more than a few days at the very very most- without wishing to be a prick but look at the state of him.

Being a bit unfair there PG, this was back in 1978 or so. Different times and all that.

Drinking pints and eating hardboiled eggs was probably an approved method of training back then.

partyguinness

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Being a bit unfair there PG, this was back in 1978 or so. Different times and all that.

Drinking pints and eating hardboiled eggs was probably an approved method of training back then.

It was in 1878 but not 1978. Proper training techniques etc were well advanced in 1978. I know it was not the Olympics and just a bit of a gimmick by the looks of it but he was terribly unfit and massively overweight.



Sorry we digress...

Utter Consternation

partyguinness wrote: »

It was in 1878 but not 1978. Proper training techniques etc were well advanced in 1978. I know it was not the Olympics and just a bit of a gimmick by the looks of it but he was terribly unfit and massively overweight.



Sorry we digress...

No problem PG, this thread is all about sharing stories, differing opinions and challenging world views.

Sh1t happens. :cool:

gerrybbadd

No sign of Jonathan Flashington yet at all today. I'd say the aul sherrif's badge was getting some workout last night.

Re: Breaking up of the logs.... I myself take a great deal of personal pride, and receive a great sense of acomplishment, by blocking up public toilets with King Kong's finger. Even better if its a truck stop.

Nothing like crimping off a serious length of dirty brown cable, good and girthy, and leaving it within in the bowl.

That being said, i've been on a fairly high protein diet as of late. Movements have become unpredicable and liquidy. Pissing hot gravy out of my rear rocket dock is not fun. Especially when you have to go several times a day. Somehow, splatters even end up underneath the toilet seat. Throw in a spicy lamb biryani into the mix with a few cans and you end up with an Aladdin's Haggis that's raw and angry - even the Gerbil's Catwalk does be stung after all that wiping