What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland

I’m starting with a selection of breakfast meats. The in-laws tend to eat early so I don’t predict I’ll be laying the “Yule log” until well into the evening.

IAMAMORON

Actually currently on the throne having unleashed 3 yuletide logs and waiting for things to settle.

Farts at Christmas really are an unwelcome woetious condiment to the festivities?

I received several dirty looks wandering the aisles during yesterdays last minute.

I try my upmost to keep emmissions to when I am outside having a fag or grabbing a can. They are really quite revolting at the moment - post hangovery with a pungence of rich food such as smoked salmon, chicken vol au vent, cocktail saussies, camenbert blue, Tayto cheese and onion, dry roasted peanuts, Powers Gold Label all washed down with Stout, Riesling and Champagne. Not to mentioned the pigs arse I ate last night with Brusselsprouts, stuffing and mashed spud. The big bird is coming and the ghosts of Christmas present are rumbling.

Brendan Bendar

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Actually currently on the throne having unleashed 3 yuletide logs and waiting for things to settle.

Farts at Christmas really are an unwelcome woetious condiment to the festivities?

I received several dirty looks wandering the aisles during yesterdays last minute.

I try my upmost to keep emmissions to when I am outside having a fag or grabbing a can. They are really quite revolting at the moment - post hangovery with a pungence of rich food such as smoked salmon, chicken vol au vent, cocktail saussies, camenbert blue, Tayto cheese and onion, dry roasted peanuts, Powers Gold Label all washed down with Stout, Riesling and Champagne. Not to mentioned the pigs arse I ate last night with Brusselsprouts, stuffing and mashed spud. The big bird is coming and the ghosts of Christmas present are rumbling.

Good spray of ‘PongBuster’ is your man.

Online in Joom I’m told.

IAMAMORON

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Good spray of ‘PongBuster’ is your man.

Online in Joom I’m told.

Just launched another ( quite satisfying ) heft there in my sisters' downstairs. Opened the cheeks wide and let rip. I had a handful of cocktail saussies and scrambled egg for brekky - with buttered waffles. I nailed some of my sisters posh coffee and hey presto ... all phucking hell has broken loose.

Just realised there is no window in here and my cousins wife just walked through the hall there and muttered " oh my phucking Jesus Christ" and ran up the stairs like a bomb had just gone off.

My face is moist with that flowery chem spray the bang is so terrible. I am stuck in here for a while now I reckon.

Brendan Bendar

Wee bit off topic I have to give credit to these lads

Took a walk in a local park to ‘clear the guts’ for later and first thing I saw was a yellow Labrador dog squatting and blowing out the most revolting spray of watery scutther covering at least a square foot.

Lad got down and cleaned it up.

Not five minutes later spied a rather overweight hound stop and suddenly spray a thick meaty pile of scutther on the path- again cleaned up.

How do they put their hands near the stuff, I mean a solid King Edward is one thing ,but gouts of ‘fizzy gravy’ is another.

Sounds like the fcukers got at the turkey....

mfceiling

Forgot that the mother in law has the old style Waverly toilets with the high level tank and a chain pull sending a tsunami of water down an inch and a half steel pipe into the bowl. Nothing and I mean nothing stands a chance against this torrent of water.
Proper old school toilets....no plastic soft closing lids with stupid hidden brackets that are impossible to tighten. Good old solid wooden seat and no fear of leaving any "friends" behind for the next man in.

Happy Christmas.

SEPT 23 1989

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Wee bit off topic I have to give credit to these lads

Took a walk in a local park to ‘clear the guts’ for later and first thing I saw was a yellow Labrador dog squatting and blowing out the most revolting spray of watery scutther covering at least a square foot.

Lad got down and cleaned it up.

Not five minutes later spied a rather overweight hound stop and suddenly spray a thick meaty pile of scutther on the path- again cleaned up.

How do they put their hands near the stuff, I mean a solid King Edward is one thing ,but gouts of ‘fizzy gravy’ is another.

Sounds like the fcukers got at the turkey....

A lot of scraps handed off tables today

One of my hounds took a fancy to Brussel sprouts

Poor bast@rd is getting startled over his own jam tarts

Nasty bang off him

Bullocks

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Wee bit off topic I have to give credit to these lads

Took a walk in a local park to ‘clear the guts’ for later and first thing I saw was a yellow Labrador dog squatting and blowing out the most revolting spray of watery scutther covering at least a square foot.

Lad got down and cleaned it up.

Not five minutes later spied a rather overweight hound stop and suddenly spray a thick meaty pile of scutther on the path- again cleaned up.

How do they put their hands near the stuff, I mean a solid King Edward is one thing ,but gouts of ‘fizzy gravy’ is another.

Sounds like the fcukers got at the turkey....

Developed country me bollix . I can't fathom all these flutes going around delighted to pounce on their dog's chite while it's still warm and bag it up . To make it worse then they carry it around with them for the rest of the walk like it's an ornament . Wouldn't you think they would train the dog to poop somewhere out of sight (behind the neighbours wheelie bin ) before heading out onto the footpaths .
The dog's must laughing at how well they have humans trained when they see them scooping up their rich royal cannin filled turds

SEPT 23 1989

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

A lot of scraps handed off tables today

One of my hounds took a fancy to Brussel sprouts

Poor bast@rd is getting startled over his own jam tarts

Nasty bang off him

Similar situation here, the hound had a veritable feast all day long. I'm hoping to avoid walking him in the morning.

Nevin Parsnipp

Bullocks wrote: »

Developed country me bollix . I can't fathom all these flutes going around delighted to pounce on their dog's chite while it's still warm and bag it up . To make it worse then they carry it around with them for the rest of the walk like it's an ornament . Wouldn't you think they would train the dog to poop somewhere out of sight (behind the neighbours wheelie bin ) before heading out onto the footpaths .
The dog's must laughing at how well they have humans trained when they see them scooping up their rich royal cannin filled turds

Have to call you out on this one you whey faced cnunt !

Take your bowler out for a walk (for a ****e) you pik up your hound s mess and be happy about it .

Prikks like u WOULD train the hound to fire behind the bins or such ..but scoury cnunts like u have no idee of proper social behaviour !

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Have to call you out on this one you whey faced cnunt !

Take your bowler out for a walk (for a ****e) you pik up your hound s mess and be happy about it .

Prikks like u WOULD train the hound to fire behind the bins or such ..but scoury cnunts like u have no idee of proper social behaviour !

The boy Parsnipp seems to have taken on a load of Xmas cheer.

Lookitt, why can’t the frikken growler carry his own ‘refuse’...little set of ‘panniers’ and the bagged load is taken care of.

For sure if the hounds are getting turkey, ham, beef, brandy butter, pavlova, plum pud so.... is it any wonder they are spraying dog gravy all over the gaff.

Bullocks

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Have to call you out on this one you whey faced cnunt !

Take your bowler out for a walk (for a ****e) you pik up your hound s mess and be happy about it .

Prikks like u WOULD train the hound to fire behind the bins or such ..but scoury cnunts like u have no idee of proper social behaviour !

A very cheery Christmas to you too Nev me ould flower.
You're right, I have trained an old girlfriends dog to crap in her neighbours garden behind the oil tank but I believe when we broke up the neighbour started throwing it back in over the boundary again.
Im lucky these days as I don't have to train a dog to poop anywhere except where she likes. We are living on 160 acres and the wife's dog has free reign on about 30 of them. Is your old half bred terrier that lives on the passenger seat of the opel cadette still alive? I heard she got a dose from chewing the crusts off an old pair of your 46" y fronts.
I hope the new year will be better to you than the last one Nev and you might cheer up a bit

Nevin Parsnipp

Bullocks wrote: »

A very cheery Christmas to you too Nev me ould flower.
You're right, I have trained an old girlfriends dog to crap in her neighbours garden behind the oil tank but I believe when we broke up the neighbour started throwing it back in over the boundary again.
Im lucky these days as I don't have to train a dog to poop anywhere except where she likes. We are living on 160 acres and the wife's dog has free reign on about 30 of them. Is your old half bred terrier that lives on the passenger seat of the opel cadette still alive? I heard she got a dose from chewing the crusts off an old pair of your 46" y fronts.
I hope the new year will be better to you than the last one Nev and you might cheer up a bit

Indeed Bull..... apologies for that rather intemperate post earlier on ...the Brandi an Baileys got a bit on top of me .

Some Dude pawned off a bott of Remy Martin on me that was way past it's sell by....and I'm afraid it lit the blue touchpaper.....brought down the Red Mist etc.

Anyways seasons greetins to you and yours ...and to say your doggies are most welcome to sh1te in my little patch if they is ever over this way

Nev.

Brendan Bendar

Friend of mine who lived in the States in a four step Brownstone had an issue with a hound curling one out on the bottom step on a regular basis.

Confronted the owner of the animal but it continued apace.

Had a legally held shotgun so took a cartridge, shook out the lead buckshot and replaced it with seasoning salt... rough cut.

Our hound duly arrived and assumed the position and with that there was a bang and our hound took off with a well salted hoop and the tip of his tail missing.

Made a full recovery but never bunted out a ripe King Edward in the area again.

(Not recommending that practice in our country)

Gun happy kernts over there...

EmmetSpiceland

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Friend of mine who lived in the States in a four step Brownstone had an issue with a hound curling one out on the bottom step on a regular basis.

Confronted the owner of the animal but it continued apace.

Had a legally held shotgun so took a cartridge, shook out the lead buckshot and replaced it with seasoning salt... rough cut.

Our hound duly arrived and assumed the position and with that there was a bang and our hound took off with a well salted hoop and the tip of his tail missing.

Made a full recovery but never bunted out a ripe King Edward in the area again.

(Not recommending that practice in our country)

Gun happy kernts over there...

Your mate shot the wrong target, B.

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Your mate shot the wrong target, B.

Indeed but might have gone to the big house if he went for the owner.

Didn’t want to really injure the dog but solved the problem.

Dog was ok after a few days....... he saw him on the other sidewalk with a patch around his hole!

Thing was, the owner just opened his door and let the dog out.

Valresnick

Giving out the gifts after breakfast yesterday a horrible smell came out of nowhere. I thought it might have been myself after the morning fry, but as it hung around it had a rotten belt of booze off it. It was the brother in law as he’d had a few the night before apparently. It ruined the gift giving. My family are an awkward bunch at the best of times so nobody said a word and kept smiling. Smell hung around for what seemed like an eternity. My mother jokingly sprayed some of her gifted perfume about to try to diffuse the situation, but it just masked in and seemed to amplify it. It was absolutely disgusting. I could barely look at my brother in law all day after this. What a horrible time to do something like this !

Nevin Parsnipp

Valresnick wrote: »

Giving out the gifts after breakfast yesterday a horrible smell came out of nowhere. I thought it might have been myself after the morning fry, but as it hung around it had a rotten belt of booze off it. It was the brother in law as he’d had a few the night before apparently. It ruined the gift giving. My family are an awkward bunch at the best of times so nobody said a word and kept smiling. Smell hung around for what seemed like an eternity. My mother jokingly sprayed some of her gifted perfume about to try to diffuse the situation, but it just masked in and seemed to amplify it. It was absolutely disgusting. I could barely look at my brother in law all day after this. What a horrible time to do something like this !

Indeed ! To burst a mushroom cloud like that at a family gathering is the height of bad taste .

And at the gift exchange as well....filthy kernt !

Please don't tell me that he repaired subsequently to the "upstairs" and laid down a carpet of greasy felch in the "slow closer".

Had a few too many mesell at the rellies place but had the good grace to keep my hole closed until I reached Chez Nev...where a half hour of rapid fire in the "Downstairs" sorted things out.

That my friend is Etiquette.......:D

DEFTLEFTHAND

Fcking arse has been unseaworthy all day. She's listing to starboard. Tried to blow off ballast earlier on but no go, shes pent up! No give in her whatsoever.

Going to put a Goodfellas pizza down to my engine room to loosen up the boilers.

I'll swing the engines into astern in about an hour or two and blow it me jacksie.

Brendan Bendar

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

Fcking arse has been unseaworthy all day. She's listing to starboard. Tried to blow off ballast earlier on but no go, shes pent up! No give in her whatsoever.

Going to put a Goodfellas pizza down to my engine room to loosen up the boilers.

I'll swing the engines into astern in about an hour or two and blow it me jacksie.

Bit of class here..... going nautical?

Left a fair bit of ‘loose runnel’ in the ‘Head ‘back in the day mesell.

Fcukking Mackerel shoaling about the 29 footer a lot!

Daragh1980

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Your mate shot the wrong target, B.

Another libtard who doesn’t believe in personal responsibility. The dog was fouling the step, so the answer is to punish the dog.

EmmetSpiceland

Daragh1980 wrote: »

Another libtard who doesn’t believe in personal responsibility. The dog was fouling the step, so the answer is to punish the dog.

I’m afraid you’re looking, more than, a little foolish here, D. The owner is “personally responsible” for the actions of the dog. I don’t believe there is any “personal responsibility” in the animal kingdom. The very fact that they are animal implies no reasoning.

And, as for you use of the suffix “-tard”, well, that says more about you than anything else, really. An ugly term used by ugly, ugly, people and it has no place in this venerable senate of enlightenment.

Although, one would have to wonder about you’re own “agenda” for posting like that in here. It’s certainly not in “good faith”, a sad consequence of mods leaving “Current Affairs” threads in AH for too long, this poster would opine. Very sad.

mfceiling

mfceiling wrote: »

Forgot that the mother in law has the old style Waverly toilets with the high level tank and a chain pull sending a tsunami of water down an inch and a half steel pipe into the bowl. Nothing and I mean nothing stands a chance against this torrent of water.
Proper old school toilets....no plastic soft closing lids with stupid hidden brackets that are impossible to tighten. Good old solid wooden seat and no fear of leaving any "friends" behind for the next man in.

Happy Christmas.

And happy to report they are working faultlessly.

Bullocks

mfceiling wrote: »

And happy to report they are working faultlessly.

There was never any doubt mf. There is great comfort looking at a clean empty bowl and the cistern still having a third of its water left to empty before the flush is finished as opposed to the anxiety that these new 6 litre flushes brings when the flush is over but there is still a length of tissue or a buoyant lump of chite that wasn't carried with the miserable 6ltr swell. It's a major design flaw, just like letting the greens have a second shot in government.....

Gael23

Think I have bum grapes lads!

Slideways

Had a feed of left over ham with some poached eggs and soldiers this morning. Exactly 2 hours after I swallowed the remnants of a strong black coffee I got a throbbing ache in the guts that doubled me over. The tiniest squeak of a fart brought enough relief that I could straighten up and I wasted no time making for the kids toilet. No sense wrecking our ensuite as I figured what was about to expel itself was not going to be followed by the scent of roses.

Lads, in my years on this earth I’ve smelled some shocking stuff. Cleaned a cow off the underside of a concrete mixer, repaired a bin lorry that had been stuck in a tip for a week in the middle of summer and unblocked a sewer laden with wet wipes but what came out of my star fish made these pale into insignificance.

It was the colour of Coleman’s mustard, and had the consistency of it had it being left on a window sill in the height of summer. And it stung. A lot. Imagine deep heat on your balloon knot, that has been applied with a Carolina Reaper.

The smell, nope. English language can’t really describe the odour. Let’s just say I shan’t be needing the barber to trim my nose hairs for a while.

Herself swore at me and took the kids to the water park for the day. I’m on the couch with a bag of frozen peas clamped between my arse cheeks and a clear path between me and the throne should I need to make a return visit..

Brendan Bendar

Gael23 wrote: »

Think I have bum grapes lads!

Dose of the Farmers eh.

Plenty of fruit till the fcukers die down a bit.

Brown bread and porridge too for the roughage.

EmmetSpiceland

‘Tis still the “season”! Bunted out a number of slick, buttery, logs again this morning. Try had the appearance of a coiled, rolled, ribeye. A dark reddish hue, to be expected with the amount of meat ingested over the last few days.

While the payload was magnificent, the smell was a different “story”. I place the blame squarely on the spiced beef and piccalilli, as well as the sprouts and sausage stuffing. Window open, candle lit. Will be sorted soon enough, I’ve told my partner to leave it well alone for now.

Tackling a couple of “jumbo” crosswords before I’ll settle down to watch the Mighty Leeds playing around midday.

Warmest greetings of season be upon you all and a prosperous New Year!

Aglomerado

Egg bound over Christmas so took a couple of doses of Andrews to shift the turkey/ ham/ sprout monster. Only made a couple of pieces that could have been wrapped up and put in a celebrations tin to be enjoyed by someone you hate.
Last night before bed I took a mega dose of the fizzy stuff, a rather fractured nights sleep ensued, punctuated by borborygmus and evil farts. Finally emptied my arse half an hour ago without a fight, sphincter just said 'POP' and there it all was.

I think there may be a repeat performance!

Daragh1980

Had six large bottles of unchilled Guinness last night.

First dump this morning looked like a flock of swallows.

Second visit consisted of two farts as I sat down and nothing else.

About 10 minutes later I sharted a blood clot.

Just as well I am not on Dublin Bus.