What's the etiquette here??

JohnnyFlash

A night of very mixed emotions for me, lads. I drank 2 pints for every goal Liverpool scored, and found myself crying at the end of the game. Unbelievable stuff and was just about sober enough to book flights to Madrid. Gwan the Pool!!!

Didn’t want the night to finish so headed to the Foggy Dew for a few nightcaps. Was drinking the porter like a demented lunatic. Details are foggy, but I ended up in the gaff of some horny ‘rotund’ lady. Don’t remember all the specifics, but getting flashbacks of being asked to carry out ‘acts’ that I’d be hesitant to do sober.

Woke up this morning, and opened my left eye to see what sort of hell beast I was sleeping beside. Not good. She was snoring like an elephant and was wearing a Manchester United jersey! Went back to sleep for a little while, and woke up with a serious and urgent need to visit the ‘log factory’. Went in and was met with a smell that would knockout a bull seal, and with a huge ‘shroud of Turin’ on the back of the pewter. Dirty mare. Had to hold me nose as I squirted out a Jackson Pollock in mustard.

She wanted me to hang around for the fry, but I got a joe back to my apartment. As sick as a regional hospital, and have about 3 litres of lucozade finished already. Wondering if I need to reconsider how I live my life. As that Chris De Burgh song went - I don’t want to be oldest swinger in town.

Fr_Dougal

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Thunderdome?

Before my time I’m afraid.... is it still accessible?

What happened.

Oh a group of posters started doxxing other posters. Then they were sitebanned and created another site called Voat.

They then went on to doxx moderators, basically their site was a cesspit of knuckledraggers, lowest of the low scumbags.

gerrybbadd

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

A night of very mixed emotions for me, lads. I drank 2 pints for every goal Liverpool scored, and found myself crying at the end of the game. Unbelievable stuff and was just about sober enough to book flights to Madrid. Gwan the Pool!!!

Didn’t want the night to finish so headed to the Foggy Dew for a few nightcaps. Was drinking the porter like a demented lunatic. Details are foggy, but I ended up in the gaff of some horny ‘rotund’ lady. Don’t remember all the specifics, but getting flashbacks of being asked to carry out ‘acts’ that I’d be hesitant to do sober.

Woke up this morning, and opened my left eye to see what sort of hell beast I was sleeping beside. Not good. She was snoring like an elephant and was wearing a Manchester United jersey! Went back to sleep for a little while, and woke up with a serious and urgent need to visit the ‘log factory’. Went in and was met with a smell that would knockout a bull seal, and with a huge ‘shroud of Turin’ on the back of the pewter. Dirty mare. Had to hold me nose as I squirted out a Jackson Pollock in mustard.

She wanted me to hang around for the fry, but I got a joe back to my apartment. As sick as a regional hospital, and have about 3 litres of lucozade finished already. Wondering if I need to reconsider how I live my life. As that Chris De Burgh song went - I don’t want to be oldest swinger in town.

Johnny, i hope she didn't have you lapping at the dirty baloon knot like a labrador eating hot chips

Ush1

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Johnny, i hope she didn't have you lapping at the dirty baloon knot like a labrador eating hot chips

I'd say he was jaw deep in the chocolate starfish.

Bits of burnt toast in the feckers teeth.

Former Observer

Like kissing a cookie that's been soaked in a dirty dishpan.

Hector Savage

Jaysus lads, this is a great thread, lets keep the personal attacks out.

Hector Savage

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

..... Was drinking the porter like a demented lunatic. Details are foggy ....

..... was met with a smell that would knockout a bull seal

and with a huge ‘shroud of Turin’ on the back of the pewter.
.....

Free drinks for life!

partyguinness

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I squirted out a Jackson Pollock in mustard.

Now I am no great lover or expert of art but from this moment on Jackson Pollock is mustard coloured ****..

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

A night of very mixed emotions for me, lads. I drank 2 pints for every goal Liverpool scored, and found myself crying at the end of the game. Unbelievable stuff and was just about sober enough to book flights to Madrid. Gwan the Pool!!!

Didn’t want the night to finish so headed to the Foggy Dew for a few nightcaps. Was drinking the porter like a demented lunatic. Details are foggy, but I ended up in the gaff of some horny ‘rotund’ lady. Don’t remember all the specifics, but getting flashbacks of being asked to carry out ‘acts’ that I’d be hesitant to do sober.

Woke up this morning, and opened my left eye to see what sort of hell beast I was sleeping beside. Not good. She was snoring like an elephant and was wearing a Manchester United jersey! Went back to sleep for a little while, and woke up with a serious and urgent need to visit the ‘log factory’. Went in and was met with a smell that would knockout a bull seal, and with a huge ‘shroud of Turin’ on the back of the pewter. Dirty mare. Had to hold me nose as I squirted out a Jackson Pollock in mustard.

She wanted me to hang around for the fry, but I got a joe back to my apartment. As sick as a regional hospital, and have about 3 litres of lucozade finished already. Wondering if I need to reconsider how I live my life. As that Chris De Burgh song went - I don’t want to be oldest swinger in town.

I hope you wrapped, before you tapped JF. If you're not careful your flute will get up and walk one of these days. :eek:

Dirty bastid.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Vegetable Vindaloo last week washed down with a diet fanta, six sachets of mayonnaise, bag of chips, basmati rice, falafel wrap and then mushrooms and a spicy bag and egg fried rice from the Chinese. Drowned the whole lot with two cans of Guinness, one can of Royal Dutch, and a half litre bottle of Gatorade. Then a box of cookies from Four Star.

I’m awoken in middle of night with cold sweat, churning in stomach. Arse and thighs pink and sweating like a KFC chicken drumstick shorn of batter. Immediately know what’s up and can actually feel anus ring dilating. Stumble out of bed but am disorientated and trip over in the dark and hit my head on the wall with my pants around my ankles. Pass out for a second or two and as I come to, I can hear a sound like gas escaping from a balloon.

Girlfriend got a fright when she sees me lying on the floor but all I can think about is how to stop the long low squeak emitting from my poopshoot. Gentle feeling of moisture on inner lining of boxers. This gets damper and damper and smell of sulfur has become noticeable. Girlfriend is kneeling beside me asking if I’m ok.

With all the effort in the world I leap to my feet like a salmon and run to bathroom. When I come out girlfriend is in bed. I change pajamas, slip into bed, and neither of us have mentioned it since.

Utter Consternation

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Vegetable Vindaloo last week washed down with a diet fanta, six sachets of mayonnaise, bag of chips, basmati rice, falafel wrap and then mushrooms and a spicy bag and egg fried rice from the Chinese. Drowned the whole lot with two cans of Guinness, one can of Royal Dutch, and a half litre bottle of Gatorade. Then a box of cookies from Four Star.

I’m awoken in middle of night with cold sweat, churning in stomach. Arse and thighs pink and sweating like a KFC chicken drumstick shorn of batter. Immediately know what’s up and can actually feel anus ring dilating. Stumble out of bed but am disorientated and trip over in the dark and hit my head on the wall with my pants around my ankles. Pass out for a second or two and as I come to, I can hear a sound like gas escaping from a balloon.

Girlfriend got a fright when she sees me lying on the floor but all I can think about is how to stop the long low squeak emitting from my poopshoot. Gentle feeling of moisture on inner lining of boxers. This gets damper and damper and smell of sulfur has become noticeable. Girlfriend is kneeling beside me asking if I’m ok.

With all the effort in the world I leap to my feet like a salmon and run to bathroom. When I come out girlfriend is in bed. I change pajamas, slip into bed, and neither of us have mentioned it since.

I know this isn't the Personal Issues forum, but my advice to you is that she is a keeper.

Brendan Bendar

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Vegetable Vindaloo last week washed down with a diet fanta, six sachets of mayonnaise, bag of chips, basmati rice, falafel wrap and then mushrooms and a spicy bag and egg fried rice from the Chinese. Drowned the whole lot with two cans of Guinness, one can of Royal Dutch, and a half litre bottle of Gatorade. Then a box of cookies from Four Star.

I’m awoken in middle of night with cold sweat, churning in stomach. Arse and thighs pink and sweating like a KFC chicken drumstick shorn of batter. Immediately know what’s up and can actually feel anus ring dilating. Stumble out of bed but am disorientated and trip over in the dark and hit my head on the wall with my pants around my ankles. Pass out for a second or two and as I come to, I can hear a sound like gas escaping from a balloon.

Girlfriend got a fright when she sees me lying on the floor but all I can think about is how to stop the long low squeak emitting from my poopshoot. Gentle feeling of moisture on inner lining of boxers. This gets damper and damper and smell of sulfur has become noticeable. Girlfriend is kneeling beside me asking if I’m ok.

With all the effort in the world I leap to my feet like a salmon and run to bathroom. When I come out girlfriend is in bed. I change pajamas, slip into bed, and neither of us have mentioned it since.

Inner lining on your boxers?

Who the fuhhrke are you ?

Prince Harry!!

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I hope you wrapped, before you tapped JF. If you're not careful your flute will get up and walk one of these days. :eek:

Dirty bastid.

Always put on the 'lightweight combat gear' before I get down to business. Been lucky all my life, but have heard stories of lads having to get injections into their bellend to clear away 'diseases of passion'. Heard it's very common with lads who return from 'golfing holidays' in Portugal. Pintman, have you anything to say about that?


I'm fierce shook all day. Don't want to go into too much detail, but I've 'liquidated the assets' at least 7 times today already. It feels like I'm hosing 5 litres of sludge water through a fúckin' straw. I've a fúcking head on me like a mouldy turnip, and I'm so sick I can't even decide on which takeaway should deliver me food.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Inner lining on your boxers?

Who the fuhhrke are you ?

Prince Harry!!

Inner lining is probably a withered JC's bag used to gather any 'night soil'. Empties the 'overnight delivery' into a bucket outside the dunny, then washes the bag out in the sink.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Inner lining is probably a withered JC's bag used to gather any 'night soil'. Empties the 'overnight delivery' into a bucket outside the dunny, then washes the bag out in the sink.

Hmmm...lad I rented flat with back in the day, ‘abandoned’ a set of jocks on the floor.

Fcuking crotch area looked like someone walked an overcooked rissole into them.

You could stew the fcukers and get a good bowl of gravy.

tgdaly

Was on holidays a few years ago in Lisbon with a few of the lads, four of us in total. One particular night we were out and it was a fair bit of a bender. Countless pints of cheap foreign libation were consumed, along with plenty of shots and a feed of NYC pizza (as was the customary meal for us on this trip). We were all "gone", as they say, but at one point decided to head onto a nightclub anyways. Sure one of the lads didn't make it in, and being in our inebriated state the 3 of us wandered in anyways (not having a clue where the 4th fella went to, but turned out he go managed to drag himself into a taxi).

The 3 of us consumed some more liquid inside, in fact at one point we each had 9 shots of tequila in succession, further jeopardising our mental capacity. After that the aul memory is a bit blurry, but remember walking through the dancefloor at one point, lad in front of me, turned around other lad was behind, instantly turned my head again and the 1st lad was gone! We walked around for what seemed like an hour looking for him, not a sign. Eventually we had to make the call and decided to feck off without him (being in no stable condition to search further) , hoping he would manage to find his way home. I still have no idea how the 2 of us got home to this day.

Anyways, to get to the "meat" of the story. Went to bed around 4.30ish I think it was, completely passed out. For some reason woke up about 2 hours later (having slightly sobered up at this stage I can remember this). The lad who had gone missing in the nightclub was beside me, conked out. Thank God I thought, nothing to worry about.

Well I wish the dirty fecker had been lost a bit longer. Needing to relieve my bladder, I went into the bathroom, to a scene I can only describe as akin to Chernobyl. In terms of atomic terminology, what he had left in the toilet was definitely more of a "fat man" than "little boy". To add insult to injury, he has also blocked the sink with a return of libation and NYC pizza in the form of his evacuated undigested stomach contents. I would've peed in the sink but seeing as it was blocked, I decided trying to vigorously flush to toilet was better than unblocking this blast site of a sink. Thankfully 3 or 4 flushes of Portugals finest cleared the hazardous waste, but the smell alone is something that will stick with me long after the image of the gorilla baby is faded, smell like a baby's dirty nappy soaked in septic tank water.

Voodoomelon

tgdaly wrote: »

but remember walking through the dancefloor at one point, lad in front of me

Thought that story was going a different way.

Ush1

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hmmm...lad I rented flat with back in the day, ‘abandoned’ a set of jocks on the floor.

Fcuking crotch area looked like someone walked an overcooked rissole into them.

You could stew the fcukers and get a good bowl of gravy.

Wring them out after and you'd have a nice onion broth.

tgdaly

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Thought that story was going a different way.

Your mind still isn't as dirty as the mess in that toilet!

Aglomerado

This thread needs to be printed out, in its entirety , laminated and bound for perusal on the khazi while pinching off great big lengths of dirty spine or power washing the bowl with arse piss. It's the stuff of legends.

Voodoomelon

We had a customer come in and use our staff toilet a few years back, a woman in her late 50s. This isn't the norm, as easily 50% of the time we get left with an assortment of piss, pubes and excrement scattered around the seat, so the answer to requests is usually no.

However considering her demeanor we allowed it. Big mistake. After she left, someone entered the facilities and found a mudslide of hot chocolate soup all the way down the inside of the bowl to the water line. As it was late in the day, we made the mistake of leaving it.

The next day, 5 flushes later, 10% of it remained. Out came the brush and no matter how hard we scrubbed and heaved, this woman's arse cement would not budge. No word of a lie, it was still there a month later.

Around that time, we were building an office in our warehouse and had lots of wood lying about. Annoyed by these fecal remnants, I marched upstairs armed with a 2x1 wooden baton with one end snapped to a point. From four feet away, I stabbed and scraped at the rectal mortar she left behind with my poking stick and a minute later it was finally gone. Dirty wench, you never know who you're dealing with.

Hotblack Desiato

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I'm fierce shook all day. Don't want to go into too much detail, but I've 'liquidated the assets' at least 7 times today already. It feels like I'm hosing 5 litres of sludge water through a fúckin' straw. I've a fúcking head on me like a mouldy turnip, and I'm so sick I can't even decide on which takeaway should deliver me food.

I'd say at this stage Johnny you have greater liquidity than the European Central Bank.

Brendan Bendar

Voodoomelon wrote: »

We had a customer come in and use our staff toilet a few years back, a woman in her late 50s. This isn't the norm, as easily 50% of the time we get left with an assortment of piss, pubes and excrement scattered around the seat, so the answer to requests is usually no.

However considering her demeanor we allowed it. Big mistake. After she left, someone entered the facilities and found a mudslide of hot chocolate soup all the way down the inside of the bowl to the water line. As it was late in the day, we made the mistake of leaving it.

The next day, 5 flushes later, 10% of it remained. Out came the brush and no matter how hard we scrubbed and heaved, this woman's arse cement would not budge. No word of a lie, it was still there a month later.

Around that time, we were building an office in our warehouse and had lots of wood lying about. Annoyed by these fecal remnants, I marched upstairs armed with a 2x1 wooden baton with one end snapped to a point. From four feet away, I stabbed and scraped at the rectal mortar she left behind with my poking stick and a minute later it was finally gone. Dirty wench, you never know who you're dealing with.

Could have been worse.....could have blocked the u bend with a set of well spattered undercrackers , mate.

You got lucky.

Utter Consternation

Sat down to watch the Ajax - Spurs match last night with a bag of pistachio nuts from Lidl after the bacon and cabbage. I demolished the bag on autopilot, fcuking shells everywhere. Bastarding things are like crack cocaine to me.

Anyways, cue this mornings movement (i'm a pre-noon sh1tter - regular as clockwork), fcuking turd was about a foot long and there was a hum off it that would wake someone from a coma. Cnuting thing sank like the Kursk down the sh1tter in one piece.

I'm not sure if it was the bacon and cabbage or the nuts. Either way, it lead to a full evacuation. Feeling very fleet of foot and light of soul.

Just thought i'd share. :cool:

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Sat down to watch the Ajax - Spurs match last night with a bag of pistachio nuts from Lidl after the bacon and cabbage. I demolished the bag on autopilot, fcuking shells everywhere. Bastarding things are like crack cocaine to me.

Anyways, cue this mornings movement (i'm a pre-noon sh1tter - regular as clockwork), fcuking turd was about a foot long and there was a hum off it that would wake someone from a coma. Cnuting thing sank like the Kursk down the sh1tter in one piece.

I'm not sure if it was the bacon and cabbage or the nuts. Either way, it lead to a full evacuation. Feeling very fleet of foot and light of soul.

Just thought i'd share. :cool:

Sounds like a textbook bowel movement. How many spuds did you have with the bacon and cabbage? I find eating more than 6 large spuds in a sitting leads to an enormous and extremely smooth shīte the next day. The ones where you can’t help but laugh when you’ve finished birthing it.

KikiLaRue

This is absolute shyte talk.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Not really a story, but I once took a dump in a lad's ringbinder. Was locked out of the student dorms, pissed out of me head and some of the other students were moving out and there was a ring binder near the door so I opened it up, laid a plank, and closed that baby back up. Oh the things you do when you are young.

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Sounds like a textbook bowel movement. How many spuds did you have with the bacon and cabbage? I find eating more than 6 large spuds in a sitting leads to an enormous and extremely smooth shīte the next day. The ones where you can’t help but laugh when you’ve finished birthing it.

Four spuds, JF. Baked.

Plenty butter bit of salt, eaten with the skins for the all round spud experience.

Top class stuff.

JohnnyFlash

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Not really a story, but I once took a dump in a lad's ringbinder. Was locked out of the student dorms, pissed out of me head and some of the other students were moving out and there was a ring binder near the door so I opened it up, laid a plank, and closed that baby back up. Oh the things you do when you are young.

Was it an act of revenge? An act of fecoterrorism?

sligojoek

Did anyone ever make a "Laptop waffle"