What's the etiquette here??

AdrianBalboa

Like most people I enjoy the finer things in life, however I do have to say that I’ve always preferred a rougher roll of own-brand two-ply over the more luxurious leading brands. Honestly they fell like you’re wiping your arse with a cushion.

Samsgirl

Samsgirl wrote: »

I'm a lowly CO so I haven't made it there yet.. Will endeavour to make enquiries though and report back.

I heard COs had to use both sides of the single ply?

Samsgirl

MikeOxsgreen wrote: »

I heard COs had to use both sides of the single ply?

Yep, that's true. A written warning and a wage deduction for non compliance.

Samsgirl

Samsgirl wrote: »

Yep, that's true. A written warning and a wage deduction for non compliance.

Assisstant staff officers at least get 4 sheets ration per trip

Lewis_Benson

There will be some shyting tomorrow.

Had a Chinese feast this evening.
Spring rolls
Aromattic duck with pancakes and plum sauce.
Salt and chilli chicken balls.

I had Chicken satay with egg fried rice for main, Mrs had beef in black bean
Washed down with a few cans of pilsner.

Kept a bit for tomorrow's lunch.
I'll report back tomorrow.

Luckily there's a new comfortable toilet seat just fitted today.

Nevin Parsnipp

Dosn't the old Covid play fcuck whackery with your schedules ?

The "Evening Bolus" is a new experience for your poster as generally "The Nev" plates his regular offerings circa 10hundred hours arter a couple of cups of rich java coffee.

Welll.....

There was "The Nev" ensconced in the good chair watching a wild life documentary on the telly when just as a pair of Hippos began scuttering sh1te everywhere a couple of low notes were heard on the ar$e trombome.

Puzzled ...I trundled to the "Upstairs" dropped the trews and birthed a girthy chump of really rank midden which resisted the first two flushes and only vacated the soft closer on the third attempt.

Be very interesting to see if this schedule continues ......

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Dosn't the old Covid play fcuck whackery with your schedules ?

The "Evening Bolus" is a new experience for your poster as generally "The Nev" plates his regular offerings circa 10hundred hours arter a couple of cups of rich java coffee.

Welll.....

There was "The Nev" ensconced in the good chair watching a wild life documentary on the telly when just as a pair of Hippos began scuttering sh1te everywhere a couple of low notes were heard on the ar$e trombome.

Puzzled ...I trundled to the "Upstairs" dropped the trews and birthed a girthy chump of really rank midden which resisted the first two flushes and only vacated the soft closer on the third attempt.

Be very interesting to see if this schedule continues ......

They say,Nevin, that this phenomenon is due to all the walking folk are doing these days.Apparently the gut is in good health from this and and the ‘night drop’ is becoming very obvious.

The late shift at the ‘shït farm’ has been increased by 15% and new cutters, the ExcaliburExtra have been introduced to handle the more robust solid logs which have shown up.

I’d give DrHenry a buzz, and maybe send in a ‘specimen ‘ via parcel post.?

Aglomerado

Samsgirl wrote: »

I'm a lowly CO so I haven't made it there yet.. Will endeavour to make enquiries though and report back.

In my last department there were two "executive" bogs in the part of the building where the Secretary General and A/Secs had their offices. Us grunts used to call them the "Golden Bowls."

Once when the main toilet block was overflowing with effluent and stinking like a slurry pit full of dead dogs and dysentery, I couldn't take it any more and made a bid for a Golden Bowl. All the top brass were next door in the Boardroom and I hoped the meeting would not end before I'd finished my business.

It was marvellous, a pot and a sink all to myself, a mere EO. And a proper door, not a sheet of 18mm laminate chipboard with a six inch gap at the bottom. And the sh1t tickets were made of actual 3 ply, not the standard civil service tracing paper surplus from primary schools.

Probably the best poo of my career.

I'm a homeworking HEO now in another department, I have THREE of my very own bowls (but I have to clean them and stock them myself).

Aglomerado

Aglomerado wrote: »

In my last department there were two "executive" bogs in the part of the building where the Secretary General and A/Secs had their offices. Us grunts used to call them the "Golden Bowls."

Once when the main toilet block was overflowing with effluent and stinking like a slurry pit full of dead dogs and dysentery, I couldn't take it any more and made a bid for a Golden Bowl. All the top brass were next door in the Boardroom and I hoped the meeting would not end before I'd finished my business.

It was marvellous, a pot and a sink all to myself, a mere EO. And a proper door, not a sheet of 18mm laminate chipboard with a six inch gap at the bottom. And the sh1t tickets were made of actual 3 ply, not the standard civil service tracing paper surplus from primary schools.

Probably the best poo of my career.

I'm a homeworking HEO now in another department, I have THREE of my very own bowls (but I have to clean them and stock them myself).

Ah the EOs
Theyre like the kapos in the concentration camps.

Aglomerado

MikeOxsgreen wrote: »

Ah the EOs
Theyre like the kapos in the concentration camps.

You are not wrong.
I had a pointy stick with which to poke my COs.

Brendan Bendar

Aglomerado wrote: »

In my last department there were two "executive" bogs in the part of the building where the Secretary General and A/Secs had their offices. Us grunts used to call them the "Golden Bowls."

Once when the main toilet block was overflowing with effluent and stinking like a slurry pit full of dead dogs and dysentery, I couldn't take it any more and made a bid for a Golden Bowl. All the top brass were next door in the Boardroom and I hoped the meeting would not end before I'd finished my business.

It was marvellous, a pot and a sink all to myself, a mere EO. And a proper door, not a sheet of 18mm laminate chipboard with a six inch gap at the bottom. And the sh1t tickets were made of actual 3 ply, not the standard civil service tracing paper surplus from primary schools.

Probably the best poo of my career.

I'm a homeworking HEO now in another department, I have THREE of my very own bowls (but I have to clean them and stock them myself).

I presume having evacuated in the ‘ Everglades’ as we called them( hot stinking and full of dangerous kernts) you took the opportunity of leaving a languid oily log lolling looped over the side of the pan?

All the better if you left a rolled up note of the superior arse paper beside the beast announcing that :

‘P.H. Hale-Johnston-Head of Procurement was here.


Bound to cause an inquiry for sure

Aglomerado

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I presume having evacuated in the ‘ Everglades’ as we called them( hot stinking and full of dangerous kernts) you took the opportunity of leaving a languid oily log lolling looped over the side of the pan?

All the better if you left a rolled up note of the superior arse paper beside the beast announcing that :

‘P.H. Hale-Johnston-Head of Procurement was here.


Bound to cause an inquiry for sure

Left a miasma of my own.
Had to make sure there was no triple ply on my shoe as I went back to my desk. Dead giveaway for sure.

Aglomerado

Aglomerado wrote: »

Left a miasma of my own.
Had to make sure there was no triple ply on my shoe as I went back to my desk. Dead giveaway for sure.

In a previous existence, I used to deliberately put some triple ply on my shoe when going down in the galley where the admin monkeys toiled and sweated.

Ah.... the look of envy on their little pinched faces...

Aglomerado

MikeOxsgreen wrote: »

In a previous existence, I used to deliberately put some triple ply on my shoe when going down in the galley where the admin monkeys toiled and sweated.

Ah.... the look of envy on their little pinched faces...

In fairness though, the fare the top brass eat at lunchtime in their refectory cordoned off by velvet rope.... foie gras, caviar, Brussels pate (actually FROM Brussels, not Aldi) etc. needs some serious ordnance to shift from the orifice.
Cannot risk the Jermyn Street tailoring to suffer staining, the help would talk.

Arthur Fent

Been a bit bunged up this afternoon. The feeling of something deeply unpleasant on the horizon. Got home, made a lovely stir fry for dinner. Was half way through my cup of tea when the aul guts started gurgling to sound the alarm. Made my way straight to the throne room, where I've been perched for the last half hour squeezing out noxious, hot arse gravy ! The fent is only rotten, herself will be most displeased !

AdrianBalboa

I had a very interesting gaseous expulsion this afternoon while out with the smallies.

Unusually sweaty and tactile, my cheeks shook to such an extent I was certain there was an extra, secret, wet ingredient pouring out. It turned out to just be a fart.

Slideways

When I sit to take a poop
I stand again to wipe my hoop
Grab a clump of toilet roll
Bend the knees, push out my hole

With one hand I grab a cheek
Swipe the knot and take a peek
If it’s stained I’ll go some more
Careful not to wipe ‘til raw

Some folks think it’s wrong to stand
They rather get schit upon their hand
Leaning like an ocean yacht
Back to front they clean their knot

Wether you scrunch or fold the paper
A spotless arse is a serious caper
I’ll tell you now, my hole is gleaming
Since the proctologist gave me a reaming

Nevin Parsnipp

Slideways wrote: »

When I sit to take a poop
I stand again to wipe my hoop
Grab a clump of toilet roll
Bend the knees, push out my hole

With one hand I grab a cheek
Swipe the knot and take a peek
If it’s stained I’ll go some more
Careful not to wipe ‘til raw

Some folks think it’s wrong to stand
They rather get schit upon their hand
Leaning like an ocean yacht
Back to front they clean their knot

Wether you scrunch or fold the paper
A spotless arse is a serious caper
I’ll tell you now, my hole is gleaming
Since the proctologist gave me a reaming

Slides..you should pop that one over to President Biden ...might give that over rated kernt Heany a run for his money.

I'm sure he could work some of it into his Paddy's day speech ?

IAMAMORON

Slideways what a handsome and touching reprise. I hope that came to you as you were dashing the pan at your last visit?

I am learning it off by heart to teach to the non-believers.

Thank you kindly for sharing. May your Bard soul rise.

Wishing you a litany of clean drops and smug removals.

Nevin Parsnipp

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Slides..you should pop that one over to President Biden ...might give that over rated kernt Heany a run for his money.

I'm sure he could work some of it into his Paddy's day speech ?

An while your at it pop a copy to that overblown gnome above in the park....as an example of proper poultry.

Not that tedious doggerel that he churns out.

Good man Slides ...be about ye now ...!

Hector Savage

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

They say,Nevin, that this phenomenon is due to all the walking folk are doing these days.Apparently the gut is in good health from this and and the ‘night drop’ is becoming very obvious.

The late shift at the ‘shït farm’ has been increased by 15% and new cutters, the ExcaliburExtra have been introduced to handle the more robust solid logs which have shown up.

I’d give DrHenry a buzz, and maybe send in a ‘specimen ‘ via parcel post.?

Do they actually have guys working down the sh1t farm to manually cut up shight in case of blockages >?

Hector Savage

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Current picture of the late JohnnyFlash unloading his beastly cargo down in hell.


RIP

I've a funny feeling "the Flash" is still around ...

gerrybbadd

Hector Savage wrote: »

I've a funny feeling "the Flash" is still around ...

You're right - of course he is. Smiling fondly up at us from each and every toilet bowl. He's in every fart unleashed into tired jocks. Wonder how long it will be before we get the first sighting of Johnny on some used toilet paper, a la Jesus on toast.

howamidifferent

gerrybbadd wrote: »

You're right - of course he is. Smiling fondly up at us from each and every toilet bowl. He's in every fart unleashed into tired jocks. Wonder how long it will be before we get the first sighting of Johnny on some used toilet paper, a la Jesus on toast.

Did something happen to him?

Lewis_Benson

howamidifferent wrote: »

Did something happen to him?

He literally shat himself.

sligojoek

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

He literally shat himself.

Poo-icide, was it?

Brendan Bendar

Left “several sets of seriously “tired jocks” on his bedside locker( a brown wheelie bin lying on its side).

Apparently there was a build up of noxious fumes around the bed(a collection of plastic bags filled with back issues of “Spangle” ‘Rock Hard’ ‘Meaty Shlong’ ‘Knuckle Glitter Special’and various religious pamphlets).

Got the better of the lad eventually, had a copy of The Far East in his hand when found, nothing to do with the Marist Brothers.

Lewis_Benson

sligojoek wrote: »

Poo-icide, was it?

Death by log

Nevin Parsnipp

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Left “several sets of seriously “tired jocks” on his bedside locker( a brown wheelie bin lying on its side).

Apparently there was a build up of noxious fumes around the bed(a collection of plastic bags filled with back issues of “Spangle” ‘Rock Hard’ ‘Meaty Shlong’ ‘Knuckle Glitter Special’and various religious pamphlets).

Got the better of the lad eventually, had a copy of The Far East in his hand when found, nothing to do with the Marist Brothers.

Had some back copies of Irelands Own on a spike in the jax for use as sh1te paper......

Poor lad.....well liked.....

You the man

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Poor lad.....well liked.....

Yourself and himself never really 'bonded' - did ye?
Never really saw eye to eye..

Often seemed to be bound up at the same time..

Speaking of being bound up...