What's the etiquette here??

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Was it an act of revenge? An act of fecoterrorism?

Just looks like a mindless 'school shooting.'

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

All I remember is that it was full of chemistry notes. First idea was to remove a polypocket and chit in that but it was hard to see what I was doing in the dark as you require two hands to keep the polypropolene sleeve open and I was worried I'd coat the back of my trousers with black forrest gateaux, so I just dropped the loaf inside the whole ringbinder, closed it back up, and put it back in the box with the others. Woke up and had totally forgotten. After 30 mins or so it started to come back to me. Was pretty ashamed tbh. Can laugh now though. Was a firm loaf with a few lighter kernels, about the size of an old fashioned telephone receiver so not small.

Utter Consternation

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

All I remember is that it was full of chemistry notes. First idea was to remove a polypocket and chit in that but it was hard to see what I was doing in the dark as you require two hands to keep the polypropolene sleeve open and I was worried I'd coat the back of my trousers with black forrest gateaux, so I just dropped the loaf inside the whole ringbinder, closed it back up, and put it back in the box with the others. Woke up and had totally forgotten. After 30 mins or so it started to come back to me. Was pretty ashamed tbh. Can laugh now though. Was a firm loaf with a few lighter kernels, about the size of an old fashioned telephone receiver so not small.

So you hate chemistry?

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Utter Consternation wrote: »

So you hate chemistry?

To be fair I'd maybe have been slower to lay the log if it had been something like art history or philosophy.

Former Observer

This is from this morning.

gerrybbadd

Did ye ever have one of those days lads, you head in to lay down a length of Mr. T's Forearm, out it slips, clean as a whistle (with comical dunk noise as splashdown occurs).

Next thing is, 1 wipe - and its all clean. telling ye, like winning the lottery this morning!

Feisar

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Did ye ever have one of those days lads, you head in to lay down a length of Mr. T's Forearm, out it slips, clean as a whistle (with comical dunk noise as splashdown occurs).

Next thing is, 1 wipe - and its all clean. telling ye, like winning the lottery this morning!

That's a Teflon, non stick.

partyguinness

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Did ye ever have one of those days lads, you head in to lay down a length of Mr. T's Forearm, out it slips, clean as a whistle (with comical dunk noise as splashdown occurs).

Next thing is, 1 wipe - and its all clean. telling ye, like winning the lottery this morning!

It's a special moment that is for sure and one we can all appreciate. Really chuffed for you bro.

Savor it- it might be a while before you have another such event.

Borderfox

RTÉ Radio 1 invites submissions for short story competition
https://www.rte.ie/culture/2019/0215/1030865-rte-radio-1-invites-submissions-for-short-story-competition/

Just copy this thread and send it in, 100% more entertaining than anything they would broadcast, have Gay Byrne narrate it

partyguinness

sligojoek wrote: »

Did anyone ever make a "Laptop waffle"

Jesus Christ man NO.....:eek:

What is wrong with you guys up that part of the country?

Fcuk me.

EmmetSpiceland

sligojoek wrote: »

Did anyone ever make a "Laptop waffle"

I hear if you use a Mac that it cooks it through.

partyguinness

partyguinness wrote: »

Jesus Christ man NO.....:eek:

What is wrong with you guys up that part of the country?

Fcuk me.

Having said that the idea is hilarious..

Aglomerado

sligojoek wrote: »

Did anyone ever make a "Laptop waffle"

No! I never heard of such a thing but now that I can't get the image out of my head it explains a lot of tabloid journalism and 'skool of hard nnox' (sic) facebook profiles.

JohnnyFlash

Heard there was a matchplay tournament in a golf club in Offaly a few years back where a guy didn’t give a gimme to a lad in a clear breach of golf etiquette. Your man ended up losing the game on the last. The other punter went in to celebrate in the 19th and was there blowing shîte and boasting. Arrived down to the locker room a few hours later to pick up his clubs and shoes. Turns out someone didn’t appreciate his lack of etiquette, and had left a huge stool sample in one of his Footjoys.

Purple Mountain

sligojoek wrote: »

Did anyone ever make a "Laptop waffle"

It only exists in Paul Howard's imagination.

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Heard there was a matchplay tournament in a golf club in Offaly a few years back where a guy didn’t give a gimme to a lad in a clear breach of golf etiquette. Your man ended up losing the game on the last. The other punter went in to celebrate in the 19th and was there blowing shîte and boasting. Arrived down to the locker room a few hours later to pick up his clubs and shoes. Turns out someone didn’t appreciate his lack of etiquette, and had left a huge stool sample in one of his Footjoys.

Sounds like something Brennar Bendar would get up to.

partyguinness

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Heard there was a matchplay tournament in a golf club in Offaly a few years back where a guy didn’t give a gimme to a lad in a clear breach of golf etiquette. Your man ended up losing the game on the last. The other punter went in to celebrate in the 19th and was there blowing shîte and boasting. Arrived down to the locker room a few hours later to pick up his clubs and shoes. Turns out someone didn’t appreciate his lack of etiquette, and had left a huge stool sample in one of his Footjoys.

I dunno.

I think when you defecate on someone's golf shoes in the locker room you are getting very close to losing the high moral ground on the whole etiquette front.

DEFTLEFTHAND

partyguinness wrote: »

I dunno.

I think when you defecate on someone's golf shoes in the locker room you are getting very close to losing the high moral ground on the whole etiquette front.

They let anyone become a member these days. Many of the smaller clubs are strapped for cash.

Brendan Bendar

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Sounds like something Brennar Bendar would get up to.

The real trick back in the day before they had the compartments for clubs, was to take all the clubs out of the bag, hold her on a 45 degree tilt, and blow your guts down to the bottom with as much force as possible.

Then put the clubs back in and hope your man doesn’t get the ‘bang’ till he is on the first tee, hopefully three days later.

That would be the end of that golf bag and possibly the set of golf clubs.

That’s for sure.

sligojoek

partyguinness wrote: »

Jesus Christ man NO.....:eek:

What is wrong with you guys up that part of the country?

Fcuk me.

It's from a Ross O Carroll Kelly book. So a South County Dublin thing I'd say

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

The real trick back in the day before they had the compartments for clubs, was to take all the clubs out of the bag, hold her on a 45 degree tilt, and blow your guts down to the bottom with as much force as possible.

Then put the clubs back in and hope your man doesn’t get the ‘bang’ till he is on the first tee, hopefully three days later.

That would be the end of that golf bag and possibly the set of golf clubs.

That’s for sure.

Wonder is that the reason the Royal and Ancient banned neck putters. You’d be lining up to take a putt when suddenly you get a savage ‘bang’ off the grip.

FFred

Thread title is very misleading. Can we rename it to:

“A place where a fully grown man-child can talk about his poo poos with anonymous strangers on the internet”

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Wonder is that the reason the Royal and Ancient banned neck putters. You’d be lining up to take a putt when suddenly you get a savage ‘bang’ off the grip.

You could have sommit there John, nest of chandlers wriggling under yer snout wouldn’t help when getting to grips with a downhill four footer.

Utter Consternation

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Sat down to watch the Ajax - Spurs match last night with a bag of pistachio nuts from Lidl after the bacon and cabbage. I demolished the bag on autopilot, fcuking shells everywhere. Bastarding things are like crack cocaine to me.

Anyways, cue this mornings movement (i'm a pre-noon sh1tter - regular as clockwork), fcuking turd was about a foot long and there was a hum off it that would wake someone from a coma. Cnuting thing sank like the Kursk down the sh1tter in one piece.

I'm not sure if it was the bacon and cabbage or the nuts. Either way, it lead to a full evacuation. Feeling very fleet of foot and light of soul.

Just thought i'd share. :cool:

It was the nuts I reckon. Those ****ing things will clear the most bunged-up of innards, like grit on compacted snow.

My friends and I still remind one another of the greatest specimen of human waste we've ever seen. It was back in college, during exams, when we were spending late nights in the library and living on processed foods and those little packs of nuts you get in vending machines.

One night, one of the lads rushed into the library and called us into the men's jacks to observe the most magnificent, burly shïte you could believe.

Very strangely, there was no noxious smell at all, just an heroic, liver-coloured log, a foot-and a half in length and thick as your fist; slouched in the bowl in one miraculous piece, tapering to a jolly little tip which peeped back at us over the seat.

Whoever laid it there was clearly proud of his labours, he didn't even attempt to flush it. But the poor man must have been in agony. He must have walked out of that cubicle with his legs trembling, if he walked at all.

This was before camera-phones became commonplace, I wish we'd had some photographic record of that beast. But we all bonded that night like proud parents, and we have the memories, we have the memories.

EmmetSpiceland

We had one of those inhuman beast logs in work years ago, ATNM. It was christened “The Duke”.

Lads were queuing up to go in and have a look. It was mammoth but it had this stark patch of pure white on it.

It vanished just as quickly as it had appeared, no streaks or anything. My only guess is that whomever birth’d it called down to central facilities and got someone up to wrestle it out of the pot.

gerrybbadd

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

It was the nuts I reckon. Those ****ing things will clear the most bunged-up of innards, like grit on compacted snow.

My friends and I still remind one another of the greatest specimen of human waste we've ever seen. It was back in college, during exams, when we were spending late nights in the library and living on processed foods and those little packs of nuts you get in vending machines.

One night, one of the lads rushed into the library and called us into the men's jacks to observe the most magnificent, burly shïte you could believe.

Very strangely, there was no noxious smell at all, just an heroic, liver-coloured log, a foot-and a half in length and thick as your fist; slouched in the bowl in one miraculous piece, tapering to a jolly little tip which peeped back at us over the seat.

Whoever laid it there was clearly proud of his labours, he didn't even attempt to flush it. But the poor man must have been in agony. He must have walked out of that cubicle with his legs trembling, if he walked at all.

This was before camera-phones became commonplace, I wish we'd had some photographic record of that beast. But we all bonded that night like proud parents, and we have the memories, we have the memories.

Ah jaysus, creased with the laughs here :pac::pac::pac:

Another poster told me how lucky i was with the 1 wipe wonder earlier. How right they were.

Launched into Trap 1 there for round 2. First problem was Ghost Cheeks on the seat (hate that). Then what followed was about 15 4 inch strips of chicken goujon looking shytes. And the wiping that followed - i thought it would never end. Was like wiping toilet paper off the end of a shítty permanent marker

sligojoek

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Ah jaysus, creased with the laughs here :pac::pac::pac:

Another poster told me how lucky i was with the 1 wipe wonder earlier. How right they were.

Launched into Trap 1 there for round 2. First problem was Ghost Cheeks on the seat (hate that). Then what followed was about 15 4 inch strips of chicken goujon looking shytes. And the wiping that followed - i thought it would never end. Was like wiping toilet paper off the end of a shítty permanent marker

A nest of baby eels

mfceiling

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Did ye ever have one of those days lads, you head in to lay down a length of Mr. T's Forearm, out it slips, clean as a whistle (with comical dunk noise as splashdown occurs).

Next thing is, 1 wipe - and its all clean. telling ye, like winning the lottery this morning!

That's what known as "drawing an ace".

Happened to me the other day. I'd been holding a lad for about 30 minutes while I waited for the Brazilian cleaner to finish washing and cleaning the stalls. I marched in with a lad pressing against the inside of the tea towel holder. As soon as my eyes saw the throne the bournville star started to wink like a madman. Relax MF, you've got this. Barely had the bags dropped and the yoke was off like an otter sliding down a riverbank. Felt like I'd won slimmer of the week at weight watchers after birthing it. Wiped the badge and "hey presto"...Clean as a whistle. Gave a little chuckle and wiped again...Bingo...Brand new shampoo. Left there feeling like I'd won a tenner on a scratch card.


Smell left behind me wasn't anything to write home about mind you.

Former Observer

gerrybbadd wrote: »

And the wiping that followed - i thought it would never end.

If you're a lover of 'spoofers' (no wipe sh¡tes) you can increase their likelihood by stretching your angus ring pre-seating. Grab your flanks and spread those cheeks before placing yourself gently on the toilet seat (a thin film of sweat helps with traction). At the very least you'll reduce eternal recurrence. Plus it's no bad thing to get some air up in the prefrontal chute every so often..

Former Observer

Former Observer wrote: »

If you're a lover of 'spoofers' (no wipe sh¡tes) you can increase their likelihood by stretching your angus ring pre-seating. Grab your flanks and spread those cheeks before placing yourself gently on the toilet seat (a thin film of sweat helps with traction). At the very least you'll reduce eternal recurrence. Plus it's no bad thing to get some air up in there once in a blue moon.

From an engineering/fluid mechanical viewpoint, I would be concerned about a 'spluttering' effect due to loss of pressure in the chute, comparable to water being drawn through a hose which has been stretched at the end.

No, you must work in partnership with your anal sphincter, and listen to what your bowels are telling you.

A time to sit tight, a time relax.
A time to hold back, a time to let go.
A time to squeeze, and a time to shove.

That was Ecclesiastes.