What's the etiquette here??

Bullocks

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

The real trick back in the day before they had the compartments for clubs, was to take all the clubs out of the bag, hold her on a 45 degree tilt, and blow your guts down to the bottom with as much force as possible.

Then put the clubs back in and hope your man doesn’t get the ‘bang’ till he is on the first tee, hopefully three days later.

That would be the end of that golf bag and possibly the set of golf clubs.

That’s for sure.

That's a 5* idea. I know exactly who I would love to do it too aswell, I don't know if his heart would stick the saga though

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

If you're a lover of 'spoofers' (no wipe sh¡tes) you can increase their likelihood by stretching your angus ring pre-seating. Grab your flanks and spread those cheeks before placing yourself gently on the toilet seat (a thin film of sweat helps with traction). At the very least you'll reduce eternal recurrence. Plus it's no bad thing to get some air up in the prefrontal chute every so often..

That sounds horrendous, FO.

Truly, I’m at a loss for words.

OOnegative

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

It was the nuts I reckon. Those ****ing things will clear the most bunged-up of innards, like grit on compacted snow.

My friends and I still remind one another of the greatest specimen of human waste we've ever seen. It was back in college, during exams, when we were spending late nights in the library and living on processed foods and those little packs of nuts you get in vending machines.

One night, one of the lads rushed into the library and called us into the men's jacks to observe the most magnificent, burly shïte you could believe.

Very strangely, there was no noxious smell at all, just an heroic, liver-coloured log, a foot-and a half in length and thick as your fist; slouched in the bowl in one miraculous piece, tapering to a jolly little tip which peeped back at us over the seat.

Whoever laid it there was clearly proud of his labours, he didn't even attempt to flush it. But the poor man must have been in agony. He must have walked out of that cubicle with his legs trembling, if he walked at all.

This was before camera-phones became commonplace, I wish we'd had some photographic record of that beast. But we all bonded that night like proud parents, and we have the memories, we have the memories.

https://youtu.be/bczOxg2JoJM

Voodoomelon

Former Observer wrote: »

If you're a lover of 'spoofers' (no wipe sh¡tes) you can increase their likelihood by stretching your angus ring pre-seating. Grab your flanks and spread those cheeks before placing yourself gently on the toilet seat (a thin film of sweat helps with traction). At the very least you'll reduce eternal recurrence. Plus it's no bad thing to get some air up in the prefrontal chute every so often..

I do this meself, although I don't grab my buttocks with my hands, just shuffle about and use the friction of the seat on your legs to open the bomb doors fully. A very useful tactic.

swarlb

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’m not going to fire him - it just crossed my mind for a second. He’s a good worker and doesn’t drink as much as the other Eastern European’s I employ. I just think what he did was vile and unnecessary, and I can’t forget what I heard and smelled. He should have waited if he could at all. Might have a chat with him on Monday about it.

Does he drink and smell as much as his Western European boss !

Sonny noggs

Former Observer wrote: »

If you're a lover of 'spoofers' (no wipe sh¡tes) you can increase their likelihood by stretching your angus ring pre-seating. Grab your flanks and spread those cheeks before placing yourself gently on the toilet seat (a thin film of sweat helps with traction). At the very least you'll reduce eternal recurrence. Plus it's no bad thing to get some air up in the prefrontal chute every so often..

This thread has suddenly taken a turn for the worse.

EmmetSpiceland

Sonny noggs wrote: »

This thread has suddenly taken a turn for the worse.

That may be but he must have some serious core strength if he can “draw breath” through his arse!

Pero_Bueno

I remember back in college in one of the dig houses, there was a massive log left in the jacks and the lads couldn't clear it, there was so much down around the u bend and no amount of plunging would budge the beast.
One of the lads drew the short straw so he put his hand in a plastic bag and plunged his hand down there and broke the shyte up with his fingers.

He was so angry afterwards he just punched a hole through the wall.

Sonny noggs

a few of the lads on here could probably benefit from adult nappies...

Pero_Bueno

EmmetSpiceland

Pero_Bueno wrote: »

I remember back in college in one of the dig houses, there was a massive log left in the jacks and the lads couldn't clear it, there was so much down around the u bend and no amount of plunging would budge the beast.
One of the lads drew the short straw so he put his hand in a plastic bag and plunged his hand down there and broke the shyte up with his fingers.

He was so angry afterwards he just punched a hole through the wall.

I wouldn’t be too happy if I had to “trainspot” someone else’s shíte.

He should have used a wire hanger to “chop” the bolus into manageable pieces for the toilet to swallow.

FFred

Sonny noggs wrote: »

a few of the lads on here could probably benefit from adult nappies...

Too true Sonny boy, and we must say they would ‘benefit’ from those ‘diapers’ when the oul chocolate starfish is starting to ‘twitch’ in someone’s golf bag or something and etc etc etc .... like this one time at turd camp .......

partyguinness

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I do this meself, although I don't grab my buttocks with my hands, just shuffle about and use the friction of the seat on your legs to open the bomb doors fully. A very useful tactic.

This tactic also helps with keeping the dangle berries to a minimum. Spread until you feel a gentle cool breeze tickle the 18 spoker and then 'bombs away'.

EmmetSpiceland

partyguinness wrote: »

This tactic also helps with keeping the dangle berries to a minimum.

The best thing for that would be to get the full “back, sac and crack” wax job done. While I would certainly be tempted, I haven’t taken the plunge just yet.

A friend did warn me that after it’s done your farts can be much louder, due to having no “muffling” of the sound on escape.

Something to keep in mind.

partyguinness

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

The best thing for that would be to get the full “back, sac and crack” wax job done. While I would certainly be tempted, I haven’t taken the plunge just yet.

A friend did warn me that after it’s done your farts can be much louder, due to having no “muffling” of the sound on escape.

Something to keep in mind.

Yes that is absolutely true. I went out with a beautician years ago and had the whole lot waxed about 11-12 years ago- I would do anything for the ride. A werid sensation that took a little getting used to especially around the arse. It feels a bit like you have shat yourself plus it feels extra sweaty which means that after a fart you are not 100% sure if there was follow through and have to double check for arse soup.

A few days after having it done I was at a meeting and I had to stand on my feet for a period of time talking. Felt the urge to fart- now I had it under control and with efficient dexterity I proceeded to let it out gently. But fcuk me it let out an unmistakable loud shrill like letting out the air from a balloon and as the dam was broken another followed. I just had to plough on but the poor ****ers behind me were ass height face about 12 inches from my ass. Jaysus it was embarrassing.

(WARNING: do not wax the ball sack under any circumstances and do not let them talk you into it- it bleeds and no man needs to see their ball sack bleeding)

JohnnyFlash

https://www.amazon.com/review/R2QP56S5P2DEGA

It seems you shouldn’t apply Veet for Men to the twig and berries either. And definitely not to the entrance of Satan’s Cave.

Pero_Bueno

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

The best thing for that would be to get the full “back, sac and crack” wax job done. While I would certainly be tempted, I haven’t taken the plunge just yet.

A friend did warn me that after it’s done your farts can be much louder, due to having no “muffling” of the sound on escape.

Something to keep in mind.

Holy ****, I just realised is that why my farts were so loud when I was a kid ??

Aglomerado

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

From an engineering/fluid mechanical viewpoint, I would be concerned about a 'spluttering' effect due to loss of pressure in the chute, comparable to water being drawn through a hose which has been stretched at the end.

No, you must work in partnership with your anal sphincter, and listen to what your bowels are telling you.

A time to sit tight, a time relax.
A time to hold back, a time to let go.
A time to squeeze, and a time to shove.

That was Ecclesiastes.

Faeclesiastes, surely. I'm a fan of Pooteronomy myself.

Utter Consternation

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

The best thing for that would be to get the full “back, sac and crack” wax job done. While I would certainly be tempted, I haven’t taken the plunge just yet.

A friend did warn me that after it’s done your farts can be much louder, due to having no “muffling” of the sound on escape.

Something to keep in mind.

You'd only want to let someone who is skilled at their trade near your wedding tackle for that type of work. I'd need to see a full list of their credentials, you don't want them pulling off strips like they're trying to yank off stubborn wall paper.

Fook that.

Hector Savage

Arrived in work, had a large coffee.
I like coffee, really gets the old guts moving.
deposited a load that must have weighed 6 KG in there.

Jaysus, and the fent of it would have knocked out a fully grown male elephant seal (to steal a saying from JF - Sorry JF!)

Worse the air freshner spray was empty ... not too bad tho, some prick from accounting went in after me, saw him from my desk, he wouldn't have seen me tho ... take a deep deep breath there laddie!!!!

Ush1

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You'd only want to let someone who is skilled at their trade near your wedding tackle for that type of work. I'd need to see a full list of their credentials, you don't want them pulling off strips like they're trying to yank off stubborn wall paper.

Fook that.

Would you want references and photos of his previous work?

Utter Consternation

Ush1 wrote: »

Would you want references and photos of his previous work?

Yeah, they should have photos posted in their salon of previous satisfied customers.

A character reference would definitely be preferable when you're letting anyone near your goolies that isn't your significant other half. :cool:

gerrybbadd

I knew this morning, when the sounds eminating from me resembled that of a rally car accelerating away at a distance, that I could be in for an event.

Herself commented to me - "Fukin' smell ah ya". She got swiftly told "just take small sniffs".

Anyhow, just into coffee 2, when the pressure started down in the wheelhouse. The head gasket was about to blow. I stood up to start the stride of pride into the jacks, when i had to clench the cheeks tighter than ever before. I was hurting my own arse muscles, they were held that firm together.

Into Trap 1, and all hell broke loose. And the smell, lads - burnt tyres, rotten eggs - several other potentially never smelt before elements all filled the bathroom. I pity the poor fecker has to go in there next. It'd sting the eyes. I have a frolick in my step now at least. I feel a stone lighter

Former Observer

gerrybbadd wrote: »

And the smell, lads - burnt tyres, rotten eggs - several other potentially never smelt before elements all filled the bathroom.

Colouration/density/form factor/studded with popcorn or as smooth as a babies? Any marbling?

Hector Savage

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I knew this morning, when the sounds eminating from me resembled that of a rally car accelerating away at a distance, that I could be in for an event.

Herself commented to me - "Fukin' smell ah ya". She got swiftly told "just take small sniffs".

Anyhow, just into coffee 2, when the pressure started down in the wheelhouse. The head gasket was about to blow. I stood up to start the stride of pride into the jacks, when i had to clench the cheeks tighter than ever before. I was hurting my own arse muscles, they were held that firm together.

Into Trap 1, and all hell broke loose. And the smell, lads - burnt tyres, rotten eggs - several other potentially never smelt before elements all filled the bathroom. I pity the poor fecker has to go in there next. It'd sting the eyes. I have a frolick in my step now at least. I feel a stone lighter

Sounds bad Gerry, I know what ya mean tho, sometime there must be god awful stuff that you wouldn't find in the bowels of Chernobyl down there!

They say this is the most dangerous substance on Earth - https://www.news.com.au/technology/science/the-story-of-the-most-toxic-mass-in-the-world-the-elephants-foot/news-story/6f58ecc5f0a37cc7ae22e36774c1b078

I dunno tho.....

gerrybbadd

Former Observer wrote: »

Colouration/density/form factor/studded with popcorn or as smooth as a babies? Any marbling?

As Johnny said yesterday, like a nest of baby eels. Ne'er a stud of any description in sight. No marbling. A brown as pure as Hershey's chocolates.

Density wise - custard that had gone cold

Hector Savage

Seems I've had some mini karma today, nipped in to the jacks for a quick piss and one of the traps was taken and a lad was just leaving the other.
.
.
.
.
Jaysus the whack of stale salmon and rotten peanuts nearly burnt the nostril hairs off me !!
Didn't even finish my piss, just enough so I wouldn't be burstin ..

Former Observer

An unimpressive little yoke flopped out of my smelly freckle there earlier. About the size a woman’s purse, a bit flat and puckered with a tiny little swivelled tail. Only remarkable thing about it was that it contained an area of translucence towards the back that was a dead ringer for a can of Kit Cat chicken and shrimp.

Was birthed with a pungent gravy flecked with particles of oil. Looked like I downed a whole bottle of cod liver oil but I reckon its the pound of butter I eat every week.

DEFTLEFTHAND

Lads, this is class and all but some of you could be suffering from Chrones. It's not normal to be sh1tting in a violent manner more than once a day.

I've a cousin working as an Arse doctor in Beaumont. I would happily refer anyone here on to him.

Bullocks

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

Lads, this is class and all but some of you could be suffering from Chrones. It's not normal to be sh1tting in a violent manner more than once a day.

I've a cousin working as an Arse doctor in Beaumont. I would happily refer anyone here on to him.

You should refer him to this thread. Broaden his experience a bit I'd say!