What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar

Good strategy Dr……can’t be letting every auld boiler in the country into yer gaff.

PS.. never let a squart of Lynx Africa near yer discharge valve.

Priest friend of mine was fond of bunting the product full blast from close range on brown eye.

Had to carted off to hospital for re-structuring work.

Lewis_Benson

Had a busy week in work this week.

2 trips to 2 separate offices.

Went for a feed in the Monread Lodge on Wednesday in Naas.

Had their "Beast Burger", basically 2 x 1lb patties with an onion ring and the usual trimmings, side of chips and a rock shandy (was a work lunch), it was top class scran.

Had a late arrival home so grabbed a fish n chips on the way home, tub of curry on the side, a lovely dinner.

The rumblings started very early Thursday morning, had to hit the throne around 6am for evacuation procedures.

Twas quite the load.

Rest of the day went off without another movement.

Had to go to our Galway office yesterday and they were having "Pizza day", I say pizza, but it was the Pat McDonagh varieties of pizza, so not really pizza.

That didn't stop me from scoffing down 6 slices of the stuff.

Ended up stuck in Galway till after 7pm, so was gone 8 by the time I arrived back at base. Another takeaway was called for, and it was of the Asian variety, a Red Thai curry with boiled rice, Gyōza on the side, and prawn crackers, herself went for chicken Teryaki.

I washed it down with 4 cans of Aldis finest Rheinbackar pilsner before hitting the sack.

Awake now and waiting for the storm to come.....

Slideways

Basically playing Russian roulette with your undergarments my man

mfceiling

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119407005#Comment_119407005

Jesus Lewis there's a storm a brewing.

God love you.

It's not the drink that makes you fat; it's the food afterwards.

Lewis_Benson

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119410356#Comment_119410356

The eventual session on the throne wasn't so bad after all, it was textbook.

StevenToast

With the recent hot spell, i have been going around in loose fitting shorts the whole time....i have gotten into a habit of slipping off the shorts entirely when bunting out a hefty log....

I must say I find it really helps with the added leverage required if I am squeezing out an extra large brown loaf...

Ive noticed that having a pair of trousers around the ankles (or knees) really confines the legs and act like handcuffs....

From now on, ill be freestyling it when looking for that extra 'purchase' on special deliveries.......

Grouptherapy

Fair play ST.

I've often found similar, that without the ankle restraint of trousers you can get better foot placement - just slightly wider than shoulder width apart seems for me to give a more natural posture when logging out. Keeps more weight on the heels.

You the man

As mentioned here before (I'm sure), the 'squatty potty' is a marvelous contraption to achieve full evacuation.

Where would one hang their shorts if going for this approach in a public convenience? And what do you do with your shoes? Surely you don’t take them off as well?

EmmetSpiceland

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119458373#Comment_119458373

Very poor etiquette to go “á la mode” in a public toilet, with or without shoes.

Grouptherapy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119458373#Comment_119458373

Good point Doc. As with many things in life it's all about location. The kind of togging out described works best at home or in well appointed stalls.

Brendan Bendar

Correct and right.

Its only when a lad is caught short on like a golf course, for instance, that one realizes that the squat position is the lad to go for when looking for a clean fast evacuation.

Can vouch for this after an incident in Strandhill GC when after a ‘heavy night’ had a weighty load half ‘on the clutch’ on the first tee.

Could t control the fcukker past the seventh so had to run for cover, doff the kex , squat, and she blew out like flock of starlings taking off, nothing but net.

Felt great after that and completed the next 11 in four over gross..

Plenty of “big dunes” in Strandhill GC, Brendan, so doubt you were spotted. Wouldn’t get away with that sort of thing in Portmarnock or Royal Dublin. You’d be in front of an extraordinary general meeting of the Blazers within the hour.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119459640#Comment_119459640

Right hand side of the 4th in Portmarnock, big ditch, hop over, squat , and blow your load,unfettered.

Just watch for some auld bewer walking a hound in that area when you spread the cheeks

If it becomes an ‘issue’ just say “Have u a pooper bag for this lot Missus,’ she’s gone a bit floury.

I'm not much of a rules of golf or clubhouse bore sort, so what would happen if a golfer was to hit an errant drive and headed down to the dunes only to find their Pro V1 sitting perched up on a freshly discharged "Bendar" special?

Play as it lies, or pick and drop? Option 3 is probably best - leave the course, and never play golf again.

Floppybits

Had a horror the other day, visiting an clients office. It was a small office and there were 2 toilets in the place both unisex. Was afraid to have a dump in case the next person in was one of the ladies in the office.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119462901#Comment_119462901

Bad decision …..shoulda gan in an blew out a heap at ‘full manifold pressure’.

Take no heed of NAP (noise abatement procedures) show them who’s boss.

Scratch of the hole on the way out would be good too and maybe a bit of muttering ‘Jahsus, she’s still flappin’ ‘ would

add the the air of authority.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119460467#Comment_119460467

I would say that ‘thru the green’ you would have free relief due to abnormal course conditions?

And you could clean your ball too.

Nevin Parsnipp

If the shite had gone a bit crusty and the ball was sitting well...I would be tempted to have a go "as it lies".

They say a similiar incident in the States was the origin of the expression "Flushed that one Tiger". ?

At least Bendar took to the dunes to unravel a sour one ...I hear a few courses out Castleknock way have been subjected to a lot of "sh1te in the cup" activity.

Filthy kernts .....

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119464522#Comment_119464522

No danger of a loose drop going crusty in that area Nevin.

Soon as I spooled out and pulled up the strides there was a swarm of bluebottles attacking the load in droves.

Fcukers could hardly get airborne with the weight of scutther in them, had the ‘site’ clen out in half an hour judging from the initial burst of activity.

Even the sweet corn kernels were lifted off by a bunch of heavyweights!

Cnunts could teach Antanov a bit about heavy lifting.

Slideways

Got sucked up by the bargain poster and wolfed down two packets of these greasy little bastards yesterday.

Pebbled dashed the bowl this morning. Banging and popping like a spotty teenagers fiesta in a Lidl carpark on a Saturday night.

May need a siesta during the day to get over it..

You the man

I must commend the dung pots in the Croke Park hotel.

Above the norm facilities with fragrant soap to clear the bugs.

Expensive Porter mind...

You the man

Have moved location with the family to the Marina hotel Waterford. I must say the punters facilities are good to be fair- Porter is priced ok with standard above good.

But...

Etiquette out the door after some subhuman occupied the pot next to me an I in full swing. Fuchker missed the memo as it missed the runway completely and either had the lid down or the afterbirth hit the lid. Destroyed the pot the animal did..

Was down in West Cork for the weekend, and we decided to go fishing for mackerel on Saturday. Landed a great haul, and I ended up eating 3 of them just off the BBQ during the course of the evening. This was accompanied by 12 cans of Beamish.

Woke up early on Sunday morning, and had a very decent fry before we headed off to Béal na Bláth. Stopped off for the hair-of-the-dog in a pub down there - must have been FF sorts, as the reception upon finding out we were heading down to the memorial was fairly frosty to say the least.

Now the civil war is over almost a century at this stage, but the reception was frosty, and I was starting to feel some pressure building down in the chamber. Headed into the very rudimentary facilities and sluiced out about 5 pints of absolutely toxic arse batter. Full coverage Porter and oily fish is a very potent combination. Didn't bother flushing, and bade the owner a "sure, let bygones be bygones, horse" as I walked out the door. Prick didn't even look out from behind the newspaper. Hope the fucker is still cleaning it tbh.

The commemoration itself was great, and I was looking very dashing in my light blue Gant shirt, Farah chinos, Dubarry loafers, and Ray-Bans. Had another dozen pints on Sunday night back in Clon, and I was glad I was traveling back on my own in the car yesterday evening as the farting was constant and extremely "dense". Could sow a button on them as they say.

Larbre34

Nice job Tánaiste.

Lewis_Benson

Holy shyte....

Slideways

Blue hole is a terrible thing

Grouptherapy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119516709#Comment_119516709

The fcuk are they going to do with thing - catch and release!?

Gael23

Felt the morning shït emerging earlier so duly went to the throne and lowered the trousers to complete the mission. Bowels evacuated successfully but I didn’t kno the floor was wet so now my trousers have a nice wet mark on my bum