What's the etiquette here??

Hector Savage

partyguinness wrote: »

Lads, in a dream last night I shat myself twice (in the dream that is). I don't know if it is from reading this thread too much or my little girls toilet training atm. Never had such a dream in my life.

I often have a dream of sitting on a toilet in a public space, like in the middle of a park and I am dreading having to stand up and wipe my arse.

Dream Pscyhomologists would tell you it's a fear of being exposed ?

dunno.

Hector Savage

partyguinness wrote: »

Lads, in a dream last night I shat myself twice (in the dream that is). I don't know if it is from reading this thread too much or my little girls toilet training atm. Never had such a dream in my life.

Speaking of toilet training, I have 2 boys and youngest is 3, he is toilet trained now but was a nightmare, the 1st fella was grand literally one weekend and he was trained!

This young lad took about 4/5 months, I was psychologically exhausted from scooping fistfulls of **** from the gusset of his pants.

Horrible, thank christ it's over.

partyguinness

Hector Savage wrote: »

Speaking of toilet training, I have 2 boys and youngest is 3, he is toilet trained now but was a nightmare, the 1st fella was grand literally one weekend and he was trained!

This young lad took about 4/5 months, I was psychologically exhausted from scooping fistfulls of **** from the gusset of his pants.

Horrible, thank christ it's over.

The girl took a week of just asking her every 5 minutes and 'Hey Presto'- just short of three. But it took her longer to **** in the toilet- insisted on a nappy but yesterday she did her first dump in the toilet (cue all sorts of celebrations) so hopefully the back is broken on that. The older boy was longer but his issue was wetting the bed every so often even up to a few months ago and he is 7 but very very few and far between now. He had a habit of drinking water before bed which we had to curtail.

She did **** herself in her knickers last weekend. Horrific stench when I came up the stairs. Wife said put them in shower put I just flung them out the bedroom window to the outside tap and stood back with the hose.

TBH I am just celebrating my weekly shopping bill not having nappies, wipes and powder milk- easily a grand a year saved.

gerrybbadd

Hector Savage wrote: »

Speaking of toilet training, I have 2 boys and youngest is 3, he is toilet trained now but was a nightmare, the 1st fella was grand literally one weekend and he was trained!

This young lad took about 4/5 months, I was psychologically exhausted from scooping fistfulls of **** from the gusset of his pants.

Horrible, thank christ it's over.

Its a feckin terrible experience. I have 3 kids myself. The youngest is only 7 months, but we are still training the 3 year old, the middle lad.

Last Saturday, he snuck off into his playroom and shut the door to go take care of business. Smell would knock ya. Out he came running then, with what looked like a King Sized Snickers smuggled away between the 2 cheeks. "Et woz an assiden" he told me.

Up to the shower with him then, the legs smeared in nutty textured arse gravy. Fecking shower decides to block. So, he's there ankle deep in shyte water. That'll teach him.

Brendan Bendar

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Its a feckin terrible experience. I have 3 kids myself. The youngest is only 7 months, but we are still training the 3 year old, the middle lad.

Last Saturday, he snuck off into his playroom and shut the door to go take care of business. Smell would knock ya. Out he came running then, with what looked like a King Sized Snickers smuggled away between the 2 cheeks. "Et woz an assiden" he told me.

Up to the shower with him then, the legs smeared in nutty textured arse gravy. Fecking shower decides to block. So, he's there ankle deep in shyte water. That'll teach him.

Wouldn’t knock a feather out of him.

One of my lads packed the potty with rich nutty midden and upended the load into the oven,and the potty in after it!!

I was on cook duty and pre heated up to 180 fan before dashing up to the shops with the lad for the grub.

When I opened the door the fcuking bang would.... well you could sew a fcuking button on it!

Melted plastic and roasted stool simmering like one of those lava pools you get in Iceland.

Guts of a grand to bring the kip back to blue flag standard.

partyguinness

Accounts lady has been on holiday for the last two weeks so no trips to Tesco and laying cable in the comfort of my own office plus the one other male has been on holiday so I have been relaxed about leaving the place spotless.

Bit of a situation this morning. I was locked and loaded with the bomb doors open when I heard the unmistakable sound of someone entering the room next door to use the photocopier. This would have been one of the young secretaries and she would be standing about 2 feet away the other side of the wall. I knew from the cooking noises it would be loud and messy.

I couldn't just abort the mission close the bombs doors and reform. The timers were set- no turning back. I had to revert to Plan C- reach back and simultaneously flush the toilet while releasing Fat Boy to mask out sounds...and to behold the refreshing splash of cold water against the buttocks and scrotum.

Hector Savage

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Wouldn’t knock a feather out of him.

One of my lads packed the potty with rich nutty midden and upended the load into the oven,and the potty in after it!!

I was on cook duty and pre heated up to 180 fan before dashing up to the shops with the lad for the grub.

When I opened the door the fcuking bang would.... well you could sew a fcuking button on it!

Melted plastic and roasted stool simmering like one of those lava pools you get in Iceland.

Guts of a grand to bring the kip back to blue flag standard.

Holy ****!!!
Did you need to get the wallpaper re hung ?
I ask cos I heard some rockstars put a **** in a kettle in a hotel room and stuck it on boil.

Whole floor had to be closed as the smell just imprinted itself into the walls, they had to be re papered .

Former Observer

Sounds like an episode of MasterChite

partyguinness

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Wouldn’t knock a feather out of him.

One of my lads packed the potty with rich nutty midden and upended the load into the oven,and the potty in after it!!

I was on cook duty and pre heated up to 180 fan before dashing up to the shops with the lad for the grub.

When I opened the door the fcuking bang would.... well you could sew a fcuking button on it!

Melted plastic and roasted stool simmering like one of those lava pools you get in Iceland.

Guts of a grand to bring the kip back to blue flag standard.

Mother of God.

I will genuinely never look into our oven the same again after reading that.

Utter Consternation

partyguinness wrote: »

Accounts lady has been on holiday for the last two weeks so no trips to Tesco and laying cable in the comfort of my own office plus the one other male has been on holiday so I have been relaxed about leaving the place spotless.

Bit of a situation this morning. I was locked and loaded with the bomb doors open when I heard the unmistakable sound of someone entering the room next door to use the photocopier. This would have been one of the young secretaries and she would be standing about 2 feet away the other side of the wall. I knew from the cooking noises it would be loud and messy.

I couldn't just abort the mission close the bombs doors and reform. The timers were set- no turning back. I had to revert to Plan C- reach back and simultaneously flush the toilet while releasing Fat Boy to mask out sounds...and to behold the refreshing splash of cold water against the buttocks and scrotum.

I've been reliably informed by my missus that turning on the tap or flushing the jacks doesn't mask the sound of my bombastic farts.

partyguinness

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I've been reliably informed by my missus that turning on the tap or flushing the jacks doesn't mask the sound of my bombastic farts.

I'm sorry not having it. All sounds masked out and a successful operation all round. Text book.

EmmetSpiceland

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I've been reliably informed by my missus that turning on the tap or flushing the jacks doesn't mask the sound of my bombastic farts.

I believe it’s called a “courtesy flush” and is generally used to “move” a smell along rather than mask explosive “botty burps”.

Utter Consternation

partyguinness wrote: »

I'm sorry not having it. All sounds masked out and a successful operation all round. Text book.

Whatever keeps you happy, dude. If you ever hear your colleagues talking about 'Thunderhole', they may be talking about you.

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I believe it’s called a “courtesy flush” and is generally used to “move” a smell along rather than mask explosive “botty burps”.

True, best to keep it move a foul turd quickly. A word to the wise though, if the tank in the sh1tter takes a while to fill, you may need to loiter around the facilities longer than required.

Always a pain in the hole.

partyguinness

Utter Consternation wrote: »

True, best to keep it move a foul turd quickly. A word to the wise though, if the tank in the sh1tter takes a while to fill, you may need to loiter around the facilities longer than required.

Always a pain in the hole.

That reminds me of a situation a few years back well a good few years back.

After university I had a summer job painting and one evening I was sent to paint some office but after business hours so from around 7pm onward. But anyway the place was deserted except for a girl on work experience who was 1-2 years younger than me. While I didn't know her personally I knew who she was family wise and she was smokin' hot. I mean really stunning brunette.

So I had to drop the Cosby kids at the pool and there was only one unisex cubicle which was fcuking ancient- I mean proper Victorian style. Just finishing up and the door handle moved down. It was smoking hot bird but it was locked so now I can hear she was now standing outside waiting.

Of course it turned in floaterville. That bastard just would not flush- I was on my at least 3 if not 4 flush. It took forever for the cistern to fill back up and I am just there flushing away and getting cold sweats with the sheer embarrassment of it- she is still waiting outside in an otherwise empty office block and dickhead here is flushing away.

I was honestly close to tears in utter despair and humiliation as it turned into 6,7, 8 flushes (I lost count) and then having to stand there while it is slowly filling up. Of course making school boy errors by flushing before it is full didn't help and I have blocked out what else happened after as it is a blur but I did see her in the local a few times afterwards but stayed the hell away from her...:(

Doctors room ghost

partyguinness wrote: »

That reminds me of a situation a few years back well a good few years back.

After university I had a summer job painting and one evening I was sent to paint some office but after business hours so from around 7pm onward. But anyway the place was deserted except for a girl on work experience who was 1-2 years younger than me. While I didn't know her personally I knew who she was family wise and she was smokin' hot. I mean really stunning brunette.

So I had to drop the Cosby kids at the pool and there was only one unisex cubicle which was fcuking ancient- I mean proper Victorian style. Just finishing up and the door handle moved down. It was smoking hot bird but it was locked so now I can hear she was now standing outside waiting.

Of course it turned in floaterville. That bastard just would not flush- I was on my at least 3 if not 4 flush. It took forever for the cistern to fill back up and I am just there flushing away and getting cold sweats with the sheer embarrassment of it- she is still waiting outside in an otherwise empty office block and dickhead here is flushing away.

I was honestly close to tears in utter despair and humiliation as it turned into 6,7, 8 flushes (I lost count) and then having to stand there while it is slowly filling up. Of course making school boy errors by flushing before it is full didn't help and I have blocked out what else happened after as it is a blur but I did see her in the local a few times afterwards but stayed the hell away from her...:(

The best way of handling a floater is if she fails to enter the sh1te express pipe after the first flush let the cistern fill to the top for a maximum power flush and while she’s filling build a toilet paper landing pad on top of said floater.

When she gets the second flush the landing pad will act as a blanket trap and Away she goes.no more floater.

Boom_Bap

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

The best way of handling a floater is if she fails to enter the sh1te express pipe after the first flush let the cistern fill to the top for a maximum power flush and while she’s filling build a toilet paper landing pad on top of said floater.

When she gets the second flush the landing pad will act as a blanket trap and Away she goes.no more floater.

a good prod with the toilet brush while full flush is happening can also send it off to the Irish Sea.
Risk of splash back is high though so important to roll up sleeve(s).

partyguinness

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

The best way of handling a floater is if she fails to enter the sh1te express pipe after the first flush let the cistern fill to the top for a maximum power flush and while she’s filling build a toilet paper landing pad on top of said floater.

When she gets the second flush the landing pad will act as a blanket trap and Away she goes.no more floater.

Trust me. I was in survival mode- I considered and tried all conceivable options. I can remember actually talking to the turd and pleading with it to just go.

I even thought about picking it out and throwing it out the window but the window did not open more than an inch or so. In fact I would rather not talk about it anymore..

Boom_Bap

partyguinness wrote: »

Trust me. I was in survival mode- I considered and tried all conceivable options. I can remember actually talking to the turd and pleading with it to just go.

I even thought about picking it out and throwing it out the window but the window did not open more than an inch or so. In fact I would rather not talk about it anymore..

there's also the option of fishing it out and putting it in the cistern.

Hector Savage

Another trick is pouring water into the bowl from a height, generates a surprising amount of force and gets rid of most problematic chunks of chod I'd ever had.
Of course, you need a container for said water - plus a tap, works best at home that one !

gerrybbadd

Ah Jaysus, all these courtesy flushes and trying to mask smells. I remember when men were men.

You should have left the Titanic sinker in the bowl. Let loose with farts as loud as possible. No shame. When you walk out, maintain good strong eye contact, as you shoulder your way by. That's how you assert dominance.

She'd be sopping after it

EmmetSpiceland

If you’re really worried about leaving a “nasty smell” you should carry around a book of matches. They fit nicely into any suit pocket and can dispel any foul odour without too much fuss.

Just be careful with the disposing of the spent matches.

partyguinness

Hector Savage wrote: »

Another trick is pouring water into the bowl from a height, generates a surprising amount of force and gets rid of most problematic chunks of chod I'd ever had.
Of course, you need a container for said water - plus a tap, works best at home that one !

Doing wonders at home is all well and good but when the heat is on and the pressure building that's were it counts. There is no substitute for Championship football.

EmmetSpiceland

Suddenly the old wire hanger “chop” doesn’t sound so extreme.

Pero_Bueno

Pero_Bueno wrote: »

I've always wondered, who wants to specialise in Arse doctory ?
Is it the fella that grauduates bottom of medical school ?

There's a professor of anatomy out in UCD who devotes most of his professional research to the anal sphincters.

I mean someone has to do it, so more power to him, but imagine putting yourself through all those years of training, and honing your skills as a clinician, but then suddenly giving it all up to stick paraphenalia up the arses of your lab rats (and God knows what else), like some sociopathic young boy.

Again, it's vital work, and I'm not saying he enjoys manipulating them, necessarily.

Hector Savage

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

There's a professor of anatomy out in UCD who devotes most of his professional research to the anal sphincters.

I mean someone has to do it, so more power to him, but imagine putting yourself through all those years of training, and honing your skills as a clinician, but then suddenly giving it all up to stick paraphenalia up the arses of your lab rats (and God knows what else), like some sociopathic young boy.

Again, it's vital work, and I'm not saying he enjoys manipulating them, necessarily.

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JohnnyFlash

Boom_Bap wrote: »

there's also the option of fishing it out and putting it in the cistern.

Top decking is rarely the right option. I only did it once, and that was in a pub in London in the late 80’s. The landlord gave me abuse for being Irish, so I calmly headed into the shïtters, picked the middle cubicle, closed the door, lifted the lid off the cistern and placed it on the floor, got up on the toilet, dropped the trousers and undercrackers, and unloaded a length of bum cord right on top of the moving parts.

Decided I’d stay around to witness the fireworks, so had another pint and was shoving 10p coins into the fruit machine. Punter comes out of the jacks with an ashen faced look on his face, and goes up to the counter to talk to the landlord. The fat cûnt emerges from behind the bar and marches into the jacks. Few seconds delay, and then I head him saying ‘what the cattle truck happened ere eh? For fûcks sake, some kernt is after havin’ a Turkish Delight in the ****in’ cistern’.

Finished me pint, had a good chuckle, then put on my leather jacket, and got the hell out of there.

Doctors room ghost

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Suddenly the old wire hanger “chop” doesn’t sound so extreme.

You want to be careful doing that wire hanger chop lad.youl end up scratching the enamel off the inside of the mother in laws toilet bowl and shel think you’re a horseshoe sh1teing animal and shel have the wife feeding you all healthy stuff

Voodoomelon

I had some builders in the house recently. The main jacks is actually on the third floor so the main poop chute from the back of the jacks punches straight through the outside wall and falls down the vertical waste pipe guts of 25 feet. So blockages shouldn't really be a thing.
How wrong was I.

With the builders gone, I tootled up the stairs to liquidate the assets only to spot a pool of brown filth staring at me from within the bowl. Not sh1te in itself, just brown water. Dirty c****s I thought, gave it a flush and headed downstairs to the lesser jacks to get the job done. Forgot all about it until later when I got a second calling, popped into the top floor jacks to see the same bowl of filth. Thought I was going mad, did I not just flush that?

Flushed it again and headed downstairs again, forgot all about it until going to bed. Went in, lo and behold, more brown arsewater. It flushed clear, but come back 30 minutes later and its brown. The dirty f*****s must have wedged a gorillas arm of a turd in the ubend, diluting the water nicely, the gift that kept on giving. The bastard was probably at home chuckling away to himself at his sabotage.

Only one thing for it, headed down to the kitchen and boiled the kettle and poured the whole thing into the toxic soup. Half a bottle of toilet duck and a wholehearted flush got the submarinal stealth turd on its way to Dundalk Bay. With any luck, it'll end up being processed and end up coming out of his kitchen tap.

Ush1

Reminds me of a time in my early 20s when dance music and drugs were the order of the day. Had ended up back at someone's house after a weekender. Was the next morning and one of the lads was feeling the ill effects, scagging and just rolled out of bed and asked one of the lads for a drink. Said lad went and shat into a McDonald's cup, put the lid back on and put a straw in it then came back and handed it to the other fella.

He knew something wasn't right by the weight and heat of the cup, he opened it and set eyes on the fresh log and then looked back up at the fella who just said "drink up". Straight faced.

Hector Savage

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Top decking is rarely the right option. I only did it once, and that was in a pub in London in the late 80’s. The landlord gave me abuse for being Irish, so I calmly headed into the shïtters, picked the middle cubicle, closed the door, lifted the lid off the cistern and placed it on the floor, got up on the toilet, dropped the trousers and undercrackers, and unloaded a length of bum cord right on top of the moving parts.

Decided I’d stay around to witness the fireworks, so had another pint and was shoving 10p coins into the fruit machine. Punter comes out of the jacks with an ashen faced look on his face, and goes up to the counter to talk to the landlord. The fat cûnt emerges from behind the bar and marches into the jacks. Few seconds delay, and then I head him saying ‘what the cattle truck happened ere eh? For fûcks sake, some kernt is after havin’ a Turkish Delight in the ****in’ cistern’.

Finished me pint, had a good chuckle, then put on my leather jacket, and got the hell out of there.

Johnny you're giving me ideas!!