What's the etiquette here??

You the man

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119826961#Comment_119826961

You'd better have a consultation with our resident 'doctor' .

Didn't think the trotting fever was as a consequence of d'aul rona.

Maybe twas a bad burger.. (Or copious amounts of bad porter)?

That aside, be well and mind them seagulls at the landfill...

Nevin Parsnipp

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119826961#Comment_119826961

Thanks for the heads up Dude...I knew my stash of champagne corks and vaseline would come in useful some day .

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119827223#Comment_119827223

Meadows & Byrne Xmas candle wouldn’t block that gap, dude, jus’ sayin’.

EmmetSpiceland

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119827346#Comment_119827346

Would be a serious fire hazard even if it did, B.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119826961#Comment_119826961

Dripping gravy are you?

EmmetSpiceland

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119829572#Comment_119829572

Couple of spoonfuls of Bisto could help, ADP.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119829745#Comment_119829745

If the poor cünt is feeling wretched anyway then maybe he should decide to go for a full system flush while he’s at it. Will feel great afterwards. Large can of tinned pears, pint of Andrew’s Liver Salts and 4 Easolax Forte.

Should be getting plenty of sympathy at home, and if he passes out on the can then the family can bring him back to bed and tidy up after him.

Not medical advice. Just common sense.

Lewis_Benson

It's a whure of a dose lads.

Every joint and bone in my body is in bits.

Mrs B tested positive today also.

Sick house.

The wind is terrible too, farts like gone off cabbage.

gerrybbadd

Jaysus Lew, ye might have to invest in some form of rectal mask akin to an N95 - ye're trumpeting Spike Proteins over and back at wan another like there's no tomorrow.

I'd say, on a microscopic scale, the badge is flittered - any sign of a mysterious itch arising?

StevenToast

Pfizer should be working on a vaccine for 'RHS'.....rotten hole syndrome...

Badly needed for this thread.....

Count Dracula

Your arse and trousers probably resemble the taillights on the back of a Massey 265 after an afternoon spraying silage.

Glad you made the garden and most importantly, thanks for sharing. Always appreciated.

It could take a while for your Mrs to fathom what has just happened, it will be helpful to not share all your movements and deposits over the next while. The sight of you scrambling thorugh your front lawn whilst wrestling your cacks off may linger in her memory for some time, you need to prepare yourself for that now and understand that it most likely will have moved your relationship to a new headspace.

At best she will have found the entire episode side splittingly hilarious and will enjoy the inevitable belly ache it generates when she remembers you squirming in confusion all the way home. That period of denial, between the initial tummy rumbling and the inevitable ensuing massacre, that is commonly known as the "wince bin". The agonizing pain which manifests in your facial expressions and contortions of unbridled worry, fear and shame can and will remain in her memory for ever. Your anxious sweat filled red face cannot be undone, grimace and all.

Post diarrhetic episodes are the antithesis of your orgasms. The pleasure and intensity she witnesses in your facial contortions and moans prior to ejaculating are something she enjoys, sweat and all. But your face resembling Worzel Gummage on a bad morning after Aunt Sally has smeared all her red polish on it whilst sketching aimlessly for a reasonable landing zone, are a remarkable contrast. Most men have evolved into not being overly loud when copulating. This silent passionate intensity is something to be admired, it contrasts dramatically with the yelps of " awww jesus and holy mother of christ " which squeals out your mouth once the trap doors have announced they are t minus 10 seconds.

I would cancel everything tomorrow and bring her out shopping for the day. Fair is fair and you should not be letting your arselife get in the way of your married life, where at all possible.

Good luck.

Nevin Parsnipp

Feelin kinda pleased with mesell at the minute...

Skated around 14 holes in 5 over par in tricky conditions ...

Knew when my ar$e gave a passable impression of "Trumpet Voluntaire" going up the eleventh that play might have to be interrupted

Visited the well appointed dunni at the twelfth and dropped an ar$e loaf like a horses hoof in the pan....left her there to "mature" and finished the remaining three holes in one over....

Can life get any better ......???

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119854117#Comment_119854117

They installed a shïtter at the 12th hole in the Par-3 in St. Anne’s Park?

Lewis_Benson

Well covid all cleared up.

The evacuation procedure has returned to normal.

Larbre34

Took long enough Benson old son, although such doses do often result in a few pounds shed, which with the festive season hoving into view, is not the worst of consequences.

There is nothing worse than being properly ill and having to evacuate the concrete bowel, resulting from all the paracetamol and ibuprofen. Your head us lifting anyway and yet the required straining almost makes you go blind and pass out, so sore is the skull behind the eyes.

I do recall getting a full-on genuine bout of Influenza in 2017. For the uninitiated, actual Flu is as different from man flu (a bog ordinary virus) as a stiff knee is from a traumatic leg amputation.

I'd never had it before and at its peak, I would almost have welcomed death if it came. At some point in the depths of it, whilst confined to bed, I developed unforeseen diarrhoea and when I farted in a casual manner, there was an unexpected expulsion. Not massive, but enough. I was so ill I didn't do anything about it, but went back to sleep.

I hope Covid wasn't that bad for any man.

interlocked

Dear God, the most traumatised of Vietnam Vets wouldn't have flashbacks like that, Labre.

"You never woke to that, man, you weren't there in the bed!"

Grouptherapy

Training in office today and there's a load of kernts from other sites here. Going around the place with sneery heads on them giving off low voltage passive-aggressive vibes and generally blocking up the place. All made worse that the fact that the facilities near the big meeting room they're using are out of commission and they're all using the main jacks. Can't get in or out of the place with the fcukers. I got a seat earlier and had to endure one knuckle dragger talking away on the phone in next door stall. Very hard to concentrate on your Wordle in such conditions. Anyways, as I finished up and done post flush survey I see a floater. Midden with the material properties of a wine cork. Hadn't time to wait for an additional flush - but out of courtesy I did leave lid down. Hardly made to the sink before a trainee barreled in to the same stall. Lid slammed back up, muttered curse and several frustrated yanks on the handle which did nothing as cistern still filling. More cursing and paper being aggressively pulled off the roll to cover the offending flotsam.

Washed up and left smirking at the gimp. It's the little things.

Nevin Parsnipp

Strangely enough I am never bothered by a floater...can usually rinse out sufficient gut sludge to drown the kernt and send her packing to Ringsend.

Having said that I had occasion to visit a hostelry in the Northern Suburbs and encountered a shite like a bison's hoof wallowing in the pan...shucked off my Canali slacks and Fendi smalls and blew out blistering gobbets of spongy midden which coated the pan and all but hid the previous occupant.

Left her unflushed as I suspected the traps were used by small kids ...

Cookie_Monster

Was in Fiji for a few days over the weekend with the wife. Beautiful, warm, sunny. Good times until Sunday when she gets food poisoning, followed by me Monday evening.

Jasus, worst night of my life... Lovely dinner, finishing hers as well as she was still feeling off. Was only on the stroll back to the villa that I felt trouble starting to brew. Thought I had just over ate and could sleep it off. No such luck, head on the pillow for only a moment and suddenly engineering reported a core breach. Barely made it to the head and thus began the juggling of the exit routes. I didnt know you could store soo much liquid in the system. Spent hours on and off the throne, every fart once back in bed a dangerous game as no gas, pure fluids.

Would settle for 15-20 mins and then dramatically need emptying immediatly and repeat over the next 5 hours... Then had to be up early to get 3 flight back home to NZ. Thankfully at that point there was simply nothing left so no mid air disasters.

The guy at the desk on checkout mumbled something about complaints about food making up half of all complaints, they must have a top class sewage system in that case, not a trace of brown anywhere on the beaches.

Slideways

In the Middle East myself at the moment. Top class commodes.

Even though the bum hose appears to be the weapon on choice here the toilet paper is on another level. One side soft and smooth, the other side heavily embossed to get into the Will-knots and dangle berries

You the man

Bit of a change from dropping dung in the bushes in Oz so comrade?

Was in the pub earlier with a few mates and one of them is a famously deep thinker - he once did a year of philosophy as part of a failed arts degree attempt in NUIG.

One of the topics discussed was what is optimal - to go for a shïte first and then get the badge up to Michelin standards in the shower but possibly having to encounter the mixture of steam and arse funk in the bathroom, or to take a shower first and then go for a shïte which has a danger of causing some unpleasant cloying when tidying things up to an acceptable standard.

The Kant felt that neither was optimal and implied a fundamental disorder in the universe, but I’m strongly of the opinion you should go for the former option.

What do the regulars think?

EmmetSpiceland

If you were to stand back and look at it from a purely philosophical standpoint you might say that someone like Plato would have weighed up the moral implications of either “action” and found that the well-being of the shítter, whichever made them happiest, was what is important.

An epicurean might lean towards showering first, dumping second in the hopes of getting to enjoy the simple, unadulterated, “pleasure” of giving their hole a good, relieving, scratch later on in the day. A stoic could view either “choice” as unimportant, neither will affect their virtue.

Wittgenstein would think it all depends on what words are used to describe the events, Kierkegaard would imply that as long as you believed in god the choice doesn’t matter, Descartes would question was there any shít at all.

But, for me, you have to shít first and shower second. Having to drop a “deuce” after a shower is one of the great tragedies that can befall any man, or woman, in daily life. You’re left with a sinking feeling that it was all for nought, you were once so clean but now you are sullied and no longer fresh.

Anyone who thinks otherwise is best avoided, and possibly a deviant.

Larbre34

Of course you evacuate the bowels first and then shower.

You never mind your own fent anyway and if you're showering you're going to have a window open or an extractor fan on in any case, which will deal with both steam and fecal aroma.

Which reminds me, I was talking to a car valeter lately and he showed me the benefits of an electronic ionizer.

It got me thinking about the value one could be in the home, to deal with malodourous emergencies. It works by replacing all the oxygen in a confined space with ozone, which not only kills the bacteria that causes the bang, but also kills the first person to enter the confined space, which means even if the smell is still there and has offended them, you're never going to hear back about it.

padd b1975

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119885937#Comment_119885937

That's one thing "new money" will always guarantee-top class, pristine facilities.

On the other hand the English aristocracy will happily potter around the family seat with nothing more than an outside tap.

Brendan Bendar

Was down at the club today, and was amazed by the antics of the ‘silverbacks ‘ the 46/28 dudes who rock upat the last minute to tee time and then shamble off to the lavvies to bunt out the full fry breakfast.

Was ready for action myself in plenty of time when the ‘oven roast ‘ was ready..

Into the shiiiïtters and was confronted by a full load!… all stalls full and a full conversation going on over all six units.

These tossers were due on the tee five minutes ago and all you could hear was the splatter of loose midden being discharged into the pots, and remarks like

”Good lad John….you hopped that one off the back of the hole”

Fuchhking kernts should be reported as that’s the the reason why the timesheet is always behind.

One fükker even came out with a wad of arse paper hanging out of his hole and headed over to the sink to ‘sluice himself’

These crunts have no shame.

Grandees of the club me bollox.😫

Larbre34

46/28 club 🤣🤣

Slideways

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119894427#Comment_119894427

I wouldn’t have thought Corbalis even had that many thrones in the club house.

Maybe you should aim for a slightly more upmarket course Brenner. Portmarnock maybe

spacetweek

"46/28 club" 

Quick someone explain that one to me... not a golf expert....

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119899062#Comment_119899062

Explain what, Sir.