What's the etiquette here??

easygoing39

Well you're in the right topic for wonderfull practical advice as to the best way to soothe a raging sheriff's badge.

Brendan Bendar

Don’t put Sudocrem anywhere near the foohker, end up with a hole like an overdone Chicago Town pepperoni thin crust.

Just sayin’

Schnooks

Have just discovered this thread, absolutely legendary stories, I can identify with many of them!! 😂

Grouptherapy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119949133#Comment_119949133

And quite a few cautionary tales...

Why would anyone decide to use sudocream, a choc ice, old teabags or WD40 to try and solve a “personal itching” problem when this exists:

Works immediately. Trust in science and don’t be listening to old folk remedies.

Nevin Parsnipp

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119947163#Comment_119947163

Jurst lads interested in a good sh1te story Dude....it's all here ...Cubicle ratings ....Facilities to avoid....shite descriptions in granular detail...clean up hints....Jax paper ratings ....advice on the scutters.....bound up cures....how to "lay your scent" discreetly outdoors...and much more .

The filthy kernts Wiki...so it is .

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119949481#Comment_119949481

You may have ‘misremembered’ Dr., lad I worked with swore by ‘cold’ tea bags for easing hole itch.

Twinings Punjabi blend he said was best,as it had a “Good strong string and gave your hole a nice bronze sheen to stand out in the crowd”

I didn’t query the statement but kind of wondered what kind of circles he moved in…….

Nevin Parsnipp

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119951618#Comment_119951618

"Circles he moved in " ??

Them of the "sherrifs badge" variety ....this poster would opine...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119951783#Comment_119951783

Male only saunas on the continent as well, Nevin. Visiting them when over there on “important community business” and the poor wife not having a clue what is going on.

Nevin Parsnipp

Indeed Dr although she must be a tad dense not to suspect sommat when she got a glimpse of a very flacid todger with a very high "wineglow" colour.

Probably blamed the new heavy winter cords for the flare up of "ire" around the whistle and clock weights.....

Rum do......I say again Rum do .....

Last time I had a visit to the porcelain requiring voluntary effort was in September 2016 just before I had the entire colon removed and hoop sewn permanently closed. 4 litres of Klean Prep and 10 hours later was the last wipe of the operational hoop. I don’t miss it.

Lewis_Benson

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119953154#Comment_119953154

Huh?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119953290#Comment_119953290

I have no colon, not one bit of it, all incinerated. I do have a small intestine with little stoma on my lower tummy, with neat container bag which is emptied any time I go for a wee. Colitis was an eternal infernal pain in the hoop.

spacetweek

I have to ask, so your bag is used for emptying wee. But what about your "solid matter"?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119953344#Comment_119953344

No, I empty wee normal way, but whilst I’m at it, or rather just after, I empty that matter which has collected in the bag.

Slideways

i heard from someone I know who also had a hoop bypass that the carrier bag still farts occasionally. Is that true.

I’d imagine it wouldn’t be a pleasant aroma. Can you hang a magic tree on it?

Lewis_Benson

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119953324#Comment_119953324

Thanks for the clarification.

Hoop66

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119953539#Comment_119953539

A pal, with a temporary bag, says no farting. I let one rip in front of him the other week and instead of cursing me for the filthy kernt I am, he looked wistful and said "Been a while since I've been able to crack one off".

Larbre34

I'd really miss not being able to fart, its one of life's timeless joys.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119958617#Comment_119958617

Indeed, can be a great way to express an ‘opinion’ without having to say anything.

Was in Croker at a Galway Clare hurling match a while back.

Fcukker right behind me with a Clare jersey in the Corporates roaring and shouting non Fcukking stop for Clare.

Anyway to cut a long story short Galway won and I took the opportunity to unload a Fcukking ripper of fart laced with a diet of burgers and fried onions just as we exited the box at full time.

He hadn’t time to react as I was gone but he got the message loud and clear.

Gormless kernt.

You must have been laced with porter as well, Brendan. Galway last played Clare in Croke Park in 2018 and it ended in a draw. Had to go to a replay in Thurles which probably cost Galway the AI that year.

Pissant.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119958617#Comment_119958617

Especially one of those harsh dry farts you can use to deal with an itch. Those ones are top class.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119960288#Comment_119960288

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119958617#Comment_119958617

That was the one, up to the gunwales in sour porther.

Fcuking fumes off the fart would stagger a warthog boar.

Nevin Parsnipp

Was advised by a lad who knows about these things that adding a bit o bran to the morning porridge is a good loosener for any slight "bind" in the anal area.

Had been taking the advice with littl;e effect until I increased the dosage substantially.

Unfortunately that was before an important family gathering which "The Nev" was obliged to attend.

Felt a tickle on the badge when I entered Auntie Josies nicely appointed residence and was deep in World Cup discussion with Uncle Jim and Cousin Peter (both delighted the "fcukin Brits" got clocked) when I knew an urgent visit to the traps was required..scampered up the stairs...door closed little Fionn was being attended to by Tara his mother.

Eventually gained entry and had just time to slide off the jox and assume the position when I released an explosion of sour skitter...most of which hit the pan or at least near to it.

Knock on the fcukin door ...Uncle Peter...."Hurry up I'm burstin" ! Faaak ! "use the downstairs you kernt for fcuck sake ...major clean up here ".

Thankfully I heard him shuffle orf...and continued the clean up....came down to see Auntie Margaret climbing the stairs and heard a muffled gasp when she opened the lavvy door....

I don't thin I need to explain the learning from this little experience...?

Sgt Hartman

I started on the Fruit & Fibre Bran Flakes in the morning myself, and at only 89c for a big box of them in Dunnes it was a no-brainer. I usually eat them with nuts, seeds and blueberries. My only complaint so far is that since I started on them I've been passing rather solid, viscous stools which require a minimum of 19 wipes with a good quality toilet paper before I achieve even a barely acceptable level of anal cleanliness.

Nevin Parsnipp

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119989002#Comment_119989002

A little "emergency sponge" is what you want Sarn't....hidden at the back of the cabinet....nice bit o tepid warter....clean orf the "heavy stuff" and rinse out...then go arter the smaller embedded bits... then a couple of wipes with a slightly damp toilet paper should leave the hoop completely clean and free of any post sh1te debris.....

Sorted for you pal...owt else botherin you ??

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119989002#Comment_119989002

The auld nut intake could be the problem Sarge, tends to bind the bolus a bit and put pressure on the sump valve.

Consumed a jumbo bag of fcuking ‘Trail Mix’ watching the World Cup recently and straight away felt ‘blocked’.

Immediately went on the ‘All Bran’ but not much happened.

However was at the driving range on the third day and was ‘blowing wind’ so badly an auld bewer in the next bay started coughing.

Hit for the khasi and barely got there before ‘the dam’ burst’ spewing ripe stewing beef and fizzy gravy all over the throne.Like someone walked in a moist Xmas pud on it.

Collected the clubs, abandoned a half bucket of balls and left the premises.

Be careful out there.

I’m down home with the parents the last few days as my house is being plastered. Loads of homemade brown bread, vegetable soup, local seafood, flowery spuds, and meat and two veg dinners.

Working wonders for my digestive system. Visited the can this morning and sluiced out an incredibly large and smooth stool. Laughably large. Minimal wipeage required and in top class form since.

Hope all the regulars are having a great (and regular) day.

Larbre34

A friend of mine asked me to bring his wife's car back to his home down the Country from Dublin this morning. She was taken ill the other day and couldn't drive it back.

To fend off the demon cold, I stopped when leaving Dublin and picked up a nice medium cappuccino for the journey down.

Unfortunately, by the time I got there, it manifested that the milk it was made on, was likely a little past its best and combined with the laxative effect of the strong coffee, my exhaust was venting a noxious gas that even offended myself on my own.

I did open all the windows in spells, for as long as I could stand it, but I fear that the leather has been permanently permeated with an arse wine that a hand grenade couldn't shift.

I do hope she gets well soon, for as soon as she opens her Beemer door again, she's a racing cert for a relapse. Poor kernt.

Sgt Hartman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119994480#Comment_119994480

I tried that and it works absolute wonders, especially for the stools that have a consistency similar to dairy fudge. The refreshing, soothing touch of the cold water and the thoroughness of the cleansing has left my ringpiece feeling amazingly clean, and as you know, cleanliness is next to Godliness.