What's the etiquette here??

NewbridgeIR

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120983508#Comment_120983508

Coningham Arms could be it, looks familiar

https://www.pubsgalore.co.uk/pubs/24900/?utm_content=cmp-true

The barman in there said that someone once left a full colostomy bag in the jacks.

mfceiling

https://twitter.com/historyinmemes/status/1691683831126851653?t=nyOC79g7hNyxnF4-KizxOQ&s=19

Bit of reading for you lads when you're relaxing on the pot.

Hotblack Desiato

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120866640#Comment_120866640

https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/1584657241503842306?s=20

And another...

https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/1659278942522556416?s=20

Utter Consternation

Had a dose of covid late last week week. Over it now, though there is something that is worrying me. Usually i'm a morning sh1tter, one big deposit in the am and that's job done until the next day. Since i got covid i'm taking a dump in the morning AND the afternoon.

Is this perhaps another form of long covid that isn't as sexy and perhaps not talked about? My time is too valuable to be taking two sh1ts a day. It's rather distressing frankly.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120996428#Comment_120996428

Don’t panic lad, stuff like that can happen ….like as soon as I heard Kevin Backhurst had ‘pulled the trigger’ I immediately hit the upstairs and piped out a shiny girthy baton well marbled with popcorn husks.

Popped out like a four man bob and took three flushes and a tip off the corner of the mobile to help along.

Shït happens dude, don’t panic, go with the flow, tip of Savlon around the muzzle can ease the sting.

Hotblack Desiato

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120996428#Comment_120996428

The sawbones say that anything between twice a day and twice a week is 'within the normal range'.

Not four times in an hour and a half like a week ago... even while chomping on the Immodium. Although they were 12 years out of date. Did work in the end though. Absolutely no idea what caused that unpleasant episode.

I woudn't fancy the twice a week frequency on an ongoing basis - not healthy on the old pipes never mind the 'nozzle', whatever about Farmer Giles bowel cancer is no laughing matter.

Grouptherapy

On a rare occasion I have to log out in the oval office twice in the same day.

Happened over the weekend. More unusual though was the fact that the afternoon's load was greater than the the earlier one.

Never happened before but felt like a new man after it.

Slideways

yup

Sgt Hartman

I've spent the last 24 hours letting rip extremely hot wet farts which smell like a tire fire. I blame the ridiculous amounts of Perlenbacher Pilsener beer from Lidl that I consumed over the weekend. The spinach, mango, kiwi and kale smoothie I had yesterday didn't help either.

After coming back from walking Toby the Jack Russell I had to lay a cable in the toilet which I hoped would spell the end of the burning tyre farts. To my surprise the entire log stuck glued to the side of the bowl. It was a semi solid puke green colour also. It took a good scrub with the toilet brush and plenty of Toilet Duck gel as well as two flushes to complete get rid of it. Thankfully the pungent burnt rubber gas has finally stopped however.

Hotblack Desiato

That Perlenbacher stuff has the whiff of really low-quality grains off it, Sgt. (Before you drink it, I mean)

Have always found that that stuff and Aldi's lower-end offerings are not good in the gut department.

Given we have minimum pricing now, for a few cents more you might as well stick with the likes of Stella or Tyskie.

Brendan Bendar

Indeed it can be very rough on the stomach...I prefer the Galeroux nice and light and a good bang off it.

on the subject of Jack Russels ..little fcukkers can unload fairly heavy noxious midden themselves.

Lad a friend brought one to casa Bendar one afternoon he spooled out a thin skein of runny scatter on the good carpet after

a feed of a chicken carcass. fcukker left a khaki coloured 'patch' on the unit which could not be removed.

Fcuker went for cover every time he saw me after that.

Baba Yaga

not long back after a couple of weeks in Italy and the usual good,solid rounds every morning after the coffee though one in particular was so good i wanted to look for one a them wee cocktail brollies in the Irish colours,plant it and leave it in the shitter unflushed as a bit of Old Ireland in a new land...no incidents or accidents to report...

Hotblack Desiato

They never mention this when talking about "no mow May" the feckers.

Between the absolutely dire weather for weeks on end and being away on holidays, the back garden was starting to resemble a mini-jungle. Nice bit of weather on Saturday for the first time in ages so I got the mower out.

I discover (before hitting them with the mower) two cat turds beneath the long grass, this happened before unfortunately and quite easily disposed of, but what was more notable was the massive stool quite brazenly deposited right on top of the long grass with no effort whatsoever at concealment.

A single, straight specimen about 15mm in diameter I'd say and an impressive 12-15cm long. Mid-to-dark brown at one end going towards almost black at the other, I should have taken a picture really.

There are various websites which purport to "identify the wildlife in your garden by their droppings" but this didn't look remotely like anything on offer. Especially given the human-like 'lumpy bumpy' appearance which, apparently, most species' produce entirely lacks.

So either

(a) my garden is being invaded at night by a Guinness-drinking five year old with a grudge

(b) one of my neighbours' dogs is having dietary problems. But none of my neighbours have a dog...

(c) it's a fox, and the lack of the expected bits of fur bone etc. is due to a dog food, meat scraps etc. diet some moron in the area is feeding it. Haven't been able to source a pic of 'urban fox' produce yet.

It's a mystery, I might have to keep an eye out for one of those wildlife cameras in Lidl.

Grouptherapy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121005762#Comment_121005762

Just confirmed the reason.

Had another feed of Corona beer Monday evening and it produced a similar result.

In case any of you's was wondering.

Floppybits

Had a very near miss the other day. Was away and was doing one of these walking tours. Anyway during the walk I started to get the cramps in stomach and I was like "oh no, not now" took a gamble and let off a couple of sneaky poofs which seemed to quell the things a bit. Continued the walk and at one stage I thought I was going to get sick in the middle of the street. I took the hint then that I needed to abandon this walk and get to a shitter quick. I can tell you it was a short walk back to the hotel but it felt like a very very long one holding my cheeks together while trying to walk fast but not too fast in case of accidents. Made it back to the toilets in the hotel lobby just in time barely on the seat when the as they say "the heavens opened" but the relief was immediate. Didn't help when in mid deluge the cleaner comes in saying "hello anyone in here".

tgdaly

Just dropped off a nice hearty log there. Good strong smell of yesterday's bacon and cabbage off it. Made a nice weighty splash and was a clean break as well. Spring in my step now for the day

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121041351#Comment_121041351

Good lad,I’d run a winnitt check in the shower tomorrow morning just in case.

Sluiced out a ‘Demi baton of ripe midden’ myself and was surprised in the shower next day when I went to ‘rake the drains’ to come away with a fistful of hardened arse currants.

Just a friendly heads up, pal, don’t want you bronzing the Calvin’s like…..eeh

spacetweek

Endured a nasty bout of gastroenteritis (or similar) over the weekend. Felt a rumbling in the depths of the mines of Moria and raced jacks-ways to make a deposit on the white throne. Imagine my surprise when, after the solid material was evacuated, half a pint of high pressure shíte-tainted water squirted out my anus as from a power wash hose. I must have been carrying a lot of water weight because over the next 12 hours, further powerful sprays of arse liqueur were anally pissed into a variety of unlucky toilets (I was busy that day and had to visit a few places).

So grateful for the very welcome white Immodium tabs that I hastily hoofed into me. They're always quick acting and once the sphincter was sealed up, nothing further came out for 2 days.

Grouptherapy

Was listening to a podcast and the topic of fasting & claimed health benefits was discussed. Guy commented how some people have reported logging out for several days after starting a fast. Suggests that there can be a good quantity of midden not getting discharged.

Goes a long way to explaining some of the bound up kernts I have to deal with in work.

padd b1975

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121043068#Comment_121043068

Hope they hadn't got too clingy to the local foliage.

Puts a man in bad form for the day that.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121104945#Comment_121104945

Well, have to admit I I had to apply the hair dryer to the muzzle to soften them up .

Frikken hoop was a bit …erm..rubbery.. so had to revert to manual like the ATC lads over in Swanick.

Took a bit longer …..but safety is paramount

padd b1975

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121106182#Comment_121106182

A good splash of baby oil works wonders too.

Make sure it's tepid at least though to keep the yelping to an absolute minimum.

No point in unnecessarily arousing the curiosity of family members, co-workers, clergy, wedding guests, mourners etc etc.

Brendan Bendar

Things on the up.. gushed out an arsefull of runny scutther in the en suite this am.

missus didn’t even wake up….. speckled the pan like a thrushes chest.

Careful use of the brush shifted most of it.

Grouptherapy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121110458#Comment_121110458

Ah that's great to hear BB, good start to a Friday.

I was trying to have some quiet time in the stalls earlier. Wasn't happening though due to another punter talking on the phone next door and the two gimps queuing across from the sinks talking shite about rugby world cup. The stalls should be a place where you can log out in peace and scroll - while getting a break from listening to fcukers. IMHO there should be quiet traps, similar to those train carriages. Happy Friday.

Hotblack Desiato

Shite talkers 😠

You should flush their phone down the jacks followed shortly by their head

Ruining a man's mini-R&R is just not acceptable, it might be the only quiet moment he gets to himself all day.

mfceiling

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121111985#Comment_121111985

If a lad is going to talk on the phone in an adjacent trap then I'm constantly flushing on my side. I want the person on the other side of the phone to know what sort of a gimp they are dealing with. The stalls are no place for a call to take place.

tgdaly

Only way to deal with lads like that is to get out to to the hand dryer and keep it going full whack until they get the message. Better yet, get the arse trumpet blowing and let them know you mean business

Baba Yaga

we've 5 crappers where i work,2 and 4 are ALWAYS left vacant,we even had 'out of order signs' stuck on them one time,if crappers 1,3 and 5 were in use you fcuked off out of it back to where ever you came from until a user had left,worked great till last thursday...new guy started in finance,loud type of person,anywho who bursts into the shitter but yer man and straight into either 2or4,yapping into the phone 'oh ya ya,3rd quarter looking good,better the 2nd quarter,fiscal is up,way up and we're ramping up to kill it in the 4th quarter blahblahblahbla....' feck this for a game and let rip,christ was a beauty!,the echo was fantastic!!! all i could here was 'erm sorry fintan,have to go,have a prob on teams,bell you asap' half dozen flushes and hopefully thats cured your man from calls in the crapper...have to find those signs and stick them back up.

Brendan Bendar

There was a lazy kernt in my base who always used the wheelchair shítter because he was too arsed to go upstairs.

Heard him jabbering to his lardarsed friend in dispatch about having to 'take a crap an I'll get back to you'.

I luckily had an 'oven roast' about to pop so darted to the wheelie trap and blew out a solid' copperhead which slung itself around mid-pan.and left her to marinate

Heard the fcuker going "Holy fuuhrke" when he saw the load and tramped off upstairs muttering 'fùkking animals '

Still complaining two weeks later after a code lock was put on the wheelchair trap😁😉

cj maxx

Went this morning after my coffee . I thought it was going well until i pooped out, what I can only call , a cork . What followed was a steady flow of yellow, skitterish paste . A real tough job to clean my hole . Every time I thought i was done there was staining on the bog roll . I used about 2 bog rolls before I was done .