What's the etiquette here??

Hector Savage

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

There was a pool of it on the grass at the end of the patio where it'd been hosed off

Power washer and Jeyes Fluid took care of any actual shyte and the smell

Luckily it was a bone dry summer last year

I just let it sit there for a few weeks and it dried into a toilet-paper-mache type substance. Like the rough cardboard they used to make egg trays out of, only more brown. This could then be easily peeled off, bagged up and disposed of

Sounds like a delightful task!

Former Observer

Arrived in the office early today, frappachino in one hand, linen jacket folded over the opposite arm, head towards my favourite bathroom (100% isolation, hermetically sealed, three levels of flush) when I see this pint-sized buggy-eyed older fellah in a white shirt scurrying out the door in a nervous panic.

Actually I know this guy to see from the payments counter, he handles cash all day, usually very reserved, but boy was he was caught in a fever this morning, soaked in a cold sweat with a mad look in his eyes like a lamb that’d escaped a slaughterhouse.

Naturally I figured he’d dropped a time bomb and was leaving the scene of the crime, so I thought I’d take a gawk myself and assess the damage.

First thing I notice on entering the bathroom is the smell of raw sewage. Literally. You know that smell you occasionally get when those big trucks are pulled up on the street doing whatever they do with open sewers, a mix of pigchite, carbon monoxide, and bad breath. Extremely potent, and I was tempted to leave on the spot, but I just knew I had to see whatever goodies had been deposited. Especially when you recognise a fellah you’ll have that extra bit of curiosity to see his produce I feel.

So on inspection I find the toilet bowl absolutely doused in specks of chite right up to just below seat level, and from the smearing you can tell that this poor little fecker has flushed and flushed and flushed his pint-sized heart out but whatever he released might as well have come from a hot glue gun because it is stuck to the porcelain and you’d need a steel brush to remove it.

There is no toilet brush in the compartment, and I’ve noticed a granular quality to the flecks so I’m thinking this lil goblin has been eating Alpen directly from the bag with no milk this morning.

But the worst are the few drops of ‘brown water’ he’s left on the toilet seat. I mean whatever about the hot glue, surely this sneaky pocket-sized lil cherubum could have wiped down the toilet seat? Absolutely stomach-churning. The smell I mean, like the smell of a pheasant cooking in an oven with a few parcels of chite thrown in for good measure, that’s t0 say the smell had a kind of gamey, vaguely food-like quality to it.

So I step backwards, touch nothing, and call in the chopper for extraction, but I’ve taken note of this little devil and will be looking out for him in future.

Hector Savage

Art!

gerrybbadd

Funny aul morning for me. No mad dash or anything, but the time came for me to head in (didn't really need to go, but 10am is time honoured tradition at this stage).

Sat into trap 1 anyhow, and immediate liquid seepage. I thought i'm in for it now, but to my surprise, a grand little torpedo followed with a pleasant dunk noise upon touchdown into the bowl. 5 or 6 wild farts were all that was left, i'm sure i was breaking the surface tension of the water below in the bowl with the force.

Had a bit of a chuckle, 3 wipes, and out with me.

Borderfox

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Funny aul morning for me. No mad dash or anything, but the time came for me to head in (didn't really need to go, but 10am is time honoured tradition at this stage).

Sat into trap 1 anyhow, and immediate liquid seepage. I thought i'm in for it now, but to my surprise, a grand little torpedo followed with a pleasant dunk noise upon touchdown into the bowl. 5 or 6 wild farts were all that was left, i'm sure i was breaking the surface tension of the water below in the bowl with the force.

Had a bit of a chuckle, 3 wipes, and out with me.

Top notch!!

The Jacks in our factory sees a lot of action from different angles and the automatic air freshener only multiplies the anal aroma

I myself presented half a ghost that floated, drape applied and left the scene

partyguinness

Normally I am on the 'cow pat' end of the Bristol Scale but unusually this morning I had a long solid one and it was a good 8-9 inches and clean as whistle. It took the almost obligatory three flushes to clean the crime scene but the Fat Boy itself had to be nudged on its merry way with the toilet brush.

Quite pleased overall as the lady in Accounts is not in on Tuesday. I thought that was it for the day but in the past 10 minutes another payload made itself known. This one was more fibrous more feral and angry. It fell to pieces once it hit the water but it did only take one flush. Swings and roundabouts I guess.

Blaming all the muesli I ate last week- still not right after it.

Voodoomelon

I made the mistake of eating several slices of brown bread after a feed of beer and vodka on Saturday night, I woke up with a head on me and an arse to match, my insides were in bits. I definitely have some kind of wheat/flour intolerance, gives me agonising intestinal cramps, I spent half the day in the jacks blowing what can only be described as baby food out my arse.

The intolerance messes up the peristalsis of the intestine, so two or three visits to the jacks in agony over just 20 minutes is the norm until the bum soup has been fully expelled.

I thought all was well after the fifth visit, wiping sweat from my brow and the yellow brown art that had been shotgun-blast onto the bowl. Met a mate and went for a coffee and cake in a new local cafe. 30 minutes into sitting down, I started sweating again and the cramps were making themselves known. Was sitting outside so got away with a few sneaky cheek lifts to ease the internal pressure, but I was merely postponing the inevitable. Excused myself and walked calmly back to the main door like I was off for a p1ss, before upping the speed once out of eyeshot, making it clear to the patrons inside that this was an emergency.

Scurried into the only toilet, one of these multi use disabled/babychanging types with a 10ft ceiling, felt like I was sitting in a warehouse. I let rip and no sooner had the slop hit the water, I had the toilet flushing to minimise air contamination. Too late, the place stank like nothing you've smelt before, absolutely rancid. A few wipes later and a blast of the Haze on the cistern and I was out of there, no eye contact with anyone, straight out the door. With 100% certainty I can say there is now a picture of me behind the counter saying do not serve this man.

Der Stier

very funny thread!

Hotblack Desiato

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I made the mistake of eating several slices of brown bread after a feed of beer and vodka on Saturday night, I woke up with a head on me and an arse to match, my insides were in bits. I definitely have some kind of wheat/flour intolerance, gives me agonising intestinal cramps, I spent half the day in the jacks blowing what can only be described as baby food out my arse.

Try giving up all gluten for 2 -3 weeks and see how that goes. For most people this isn't any healthier at all, BUT if you do have a wheat intolerance you'll soon see the difference.

The other half had to do this a couple of years ago.

There are a few decent gluten free beers out there, also wine, cider and spirits are ok. The big problem is getting bread that doesn't taste like shíte.

Brendan Bendar

Just left a thick’ King Edward’ in the works dunny before heading home.

Hadn’t the heart to flush the lad, should be nicely ‘seasoned’ for the first client in the morning.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Just left a thick’ King Edward’ in the works dunny before heading home.

Hadn’t the heart to flush the lad, should be nicely ‘seasoned’ for the first client in the morning.

What time does a bookie shop open? Thought ye called them punters and not clients?????

Pintman Paddy Losty

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Just left a thick’ King Edward’ in the works dunny before heading home.

Hadn’t the heart to flush the lad, should be nicely ‘seasoned’ for the first client in the morning.

Speaking of leaving things stew...

I was over in Central Europe recently on important company business. I was doing contract work for a large organisation who had set expense rates so I decided to maximise the amount of the daily expense rate I pocketed and stayed in an AirBnB.

Place looked nice on the ad. Spacious rooms. Right in the city centre. Tastefully decorated. A fraction of the price of the marriott. I took a punt and went for it.

Big mistake.

Turns out Mila Kovic was totally bull****ting in her description of the apartment. Place was a ****ing kip. Entrance was down some dark dodgy back alley (and I've been down the dodiest there is). The place was dimly lit with flikery fluorescent lights. Grimey walls. The ad made out like it was a apartment for hire that was kept in good nick. It wasn't. Clearly the owners principal primary residence. Photos of Mila and her boyfriend up around the place. One of the bedrooms locked.

I was very pissed off at this blatant case of false advertisement. I decided to protest the only way I knew.

I burst open the door to Milas private room where she had locked away all her possessions (as if I was going to Rob her kitchen radio ffs). Delighted to see she had a ensuite.

I was in Prague for 5 days and 4 nights. I drank minimum 8 pints of cheap Czech lager each night. I took a dump in the en suite each time. Never flushed once. Solids gave way to liquid which gave way to gas and finally hot molten plasma (Street kebabs each evening were the cause here I suspect) as the days wore on. The bowl was a total ****ing biohazard.

I locked the room up and headed off to the airport very happy with my innovative customer feedback. That was last Thursday. Still no word from mila with a review so I can only surmise my feedback is still stewing in the bowl.

Brendan Bendar

Good work Losty, was in a similar kip myself on important company business too as it turns out.

Greasy dirty kip, so had to leave a ‘report’.

Owner had a collection of caps, so I lodged an arsefull of sour drittle in about five of them, over the stay.

Fcukers were brimming with scutther and remains of a two layer Burrito almost burned through one of them.

Doubt he will take that report as favorable.

Der Stier

ah lads thats a bit much !

Former Observer

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

I locked the room up and headed off to the airport very happy with my innovative customer feedback.

You absolute hero. Some of these hosts are taking the piss. Pump and dump is the only thing they understand.

JohnnyFlash

Der Stier wrote: »

ah lads thats a bit much !

Why? Loads of companies these day rattle on about being ‘customer focused’ and all that stuff, when all they care about is maximising profit. If you spend 250 quid on a hotel room and the place isn’t up to scratch then there’s no point complaining at reception or talking to some disinterested ‘manager’ on 12 quid an hour. You open the Corby Trouser press as you’re about to leave, shunt a solid one out, then close the thing up and turn it on. That’s better feedback than any ‘how did we do’ survey.

Former Observer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Why? Loads of companies these day rattle on about being ‘customer focused’ and all that stuff, when all they care about is maximising profit.

I wouldn't do it in a hotel myself as some poor soul being paid pittance will have to go at the loaf with a coat hanger. In an airbnb however you are releasing the payload directly into the guilty party's mouth vis-à-vis a surgical strike.

You are soiling their inter sanctum, smearing the walls of their personal fantasia with crude, foul smelling scudder.

Der Stier

But can't they complain to Air BNB ? who has your credit card details, you could get a nasty cleaning bill.

JohnnyFlash

Der Stier wrote: »

But can't they complain to Air BNB ? who has your credit card details, you could get a nasty cleaning bill.

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. You can’t dust a turd for fingerprints.

gerrybbadd

I stayed in an AirB&B one time above in Dublin.

I didn't really mean to, cos it was a lovely family I was staying with, but by the beard of Zeus, did i leave some awful smells behind me several of the days.

I went into the town one night, for a spicy bag. Being from the literal arsehole of nowhere, I had never had one before. And the place i obtained said spicy bag also gave me a nice side order of food poisioning.

Spice bag turned to spicy hole, hot magma eminiating from the pants region for extended periods. I have no idea where all the liquid came from. Pints, litres, gallons of the stuff. Scalding hot, and the smell. Good Lord above, the smell. Flies would avoid. I had 5 nights in the place, and 4 of those were spent with regular visits to the jacks, the only one in the apartment, that the familie's small children had to use.

Poor guys!

Borderfox

I was over in London in Tech for an apprenticeship in 1988 and we got put up in some womans house down near Norwood (a good hour by bus away from the college)
There was four of us in a room and the landlady was providing meals, one night she produced some mince type cottage pie and I was the only one at home I had that. To say it went through me at lightning speed is an understatement, I endured about three days of violent diarrhea including a couple of full clear outs on a bus (both gas and liquid, upper deck. Rush hour, I do apologise to everyone involved) before I made to the doctor.

He gave me some tablets that looked like something you would give a pony and told me to keep the liquids incoming. No let up with the arse acid that had turned into a type of consommé with flecks of chilli. Eventually I had to be admitted to hospital and ended up losing two stone before I reached an equilibrium and could resume normal life.

Learned my lesson and any and all meals provided by the landlady were bagged up and disposed of by herring gulls on the roof of her extension

Former Observer

Actually I worked for Airbnb for a few years. The things I saw. Oh lord. Even the worst stories in here pale in comparison.

Obrieski

Former Observer wrote: »

Actually I worked for Airbnb for a few years. The things I saw. Oh lord. Even the worst stories in here pale in comparison.

Surely you can remember some of the grimmest you came across?

Der Stier

Former Observer wrote: »

Actually I worked for Airbnb for a few years. The things I saw. Oh lord. Even the worst stories in here pale in comparison.

Post the shyte related ones!

Former Observer

I may post a few of my fecal-related work stories next week. I doubt any of you will believe them though. I know them to be true because part of my job was to pore through the documentary evidence and speak to both the complainants and the accused.

JohnnyFlash

Former Observer wrote: »

I may post a few of my fecal-related work stories next week. I doubt any of you will believe them though. I know them to be true because part of my job was to pore through the documentary evidence and speak to both the complainants and the accused.

Plenty involving continentals I’d imagine. The Germans in particular are depraved when it comes to that sort of thing.

Pintman Paddy Losty

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Plenty involving continentals I’d imagine. The Germans in particular are depraved when it comes to that sort of thing.

They really lead the field in producing the most groundbreaking and innovative SheissePorn.

Aglomerado

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

They really lead the field in producing the most groundbreaking and innovative SheissePorn.

With those "inspection shelf" bowls there is a plentiful harvest of fartile material.

JohnnyFlash

Aglomerado wrote: »

With those "inspection shelf" bowls there is a plentiful harvest of fartile material.

Italian shîtters always have the shelf. Bizarre and frankly disturbing design. The Armitage Shanks design should be made a European wide standard. Teresa should include it in Brexit negotiations.

Former Observer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Italian shîtters always have the shelf. Bizarre and frankly disturbing design. The Armitage Shanks design should be made a European wide standard. Teresa should include it in Brexit negotiations.

If you had to theorize, what do you think the purpose of the shelf is?

Have any of ye ever used a bidet?