What's the etiquette here??

JohnnyFlash

Former Observer wrote: »

If you had to theorize, what do you think the purpose of the shelf is?

Have any of ye ever used a bidet?

I have a bidet in my gaff. Never used it to wash my hole, but do use it to wash my feet. Was in Malaysia a few years back on important company business, and tried to use the hose they have for power blasting your hoop. Ended up with rusty arse water all over my chinos and shoes. Not good.

Deebles McBeebles

Former Observer wrote: »

If you had to theorize, what do you think the purpose of the shelf is?

The shelf? Oh that's the SVP*

*Sh*t Viewing Platform

Former Observer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I have a bidet in my gaff. Never used it to wash my hole, but do use it to wash my feet. Was in Malaysia a few years back on important company business, and tried to use the host they have for power blasting your hoop. Ended up with rusty arse water all over my chinos and shoes. Not good.

Was it the wife that wanted it? My girlfriend is continental and she thinks we Irish are like manky awl terriers that roll around in our own chite for pleasure, but look I told her I'm not spraying water up into my hole, it's unnatural.

Pintman Paddy Losty

Former Observer wrote: »

If you had to theorize, what do you think the purpose of the shelf is?

Have any of ye ever used a bidet?

Have it on good authority that after dropping a hefty load of brown sausage meat on to the shelf, most Germans stoop down bending from the hips and get right in there. Nostrils mere inches from the fecal stack and inhale deeply. Why is another question. Something deeply ingrained in the German psyche. Likely sexual.

JohnnyFlash

Former Observer wrote: »

Was it the wife that wanted it? My girlfriend is continental and she thinks we Irish are like manky awl terriers that roll around in our own chite for pleasure, but look I told her I'm not spraying water up into my hole, it's unnatural.

My ex wife would need a fücking mini crane to be lifted off if she perched her massive hole on a bidet. She’d need a whirlpool from a small gym and not a bidet

gerrybbadd

Speaking of foreign toilets, the americans need to have a word with themselves.

First of all, what's the craic with all that water in the bowl? Christ, i'll never forget being in Universal in Orlando, and launching off a ton of rabbit pellets at high speed, and the arse was wetter than it had been on Splash Mountain. Don't get me started when the squits came. It's pretty ineffective at clearing off a massive king kongs finger too.

Then there's the stalls. Each trap has the minimum of cover provided - in the middle. If you sit down to take a constitutional, all is on display underneath. When your standing up, you can see over the tops.

You'd think with the amount of big American holes, they'd have learned a thing or two. Animals.

Woke Hogan

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

My ex wife would need a fücking mini crane to be lifted off if she perched her massive hole on a bidet. She’d need a whirlpool from a small gym and not a bidet

What an awful thing to say about your wife.

Pintman Paddy Losty

Woke Hogan wrote: »

What an awful thing to say about your wife.

Eh haven't you said very similar about your daughter.

Those in glass houses and all that

JohnnyFlash

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Eh haven't you said very similar about your daughter.

Those in glass houses and all that

He hasn’t met me ex wife either. Even our parish priest confided in me that he thought she was a ‘fûcking weapon’.

Brendan Bendar

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Speaking of foreign toilets, the americans need to have a word with themselves.

First of all, what's the craic with all that water in the bowl? Christ, i'll never forget being in Universal in Orlando, and launching off a ton of rabbit pellets at high speed, and the arse was wetter than it had been on Splash Mountain. Don't get me started when the squits came. It's pretty ineffective at clearing off a massive king kongs finger too.

Then there's the stalls. Each trap has the minimum of cover provided - in the middle. If you sit down to take a constitutional, all is on display underneath. When your standing up, you can see over the tops.

You'd think with the amount of big American holes, they'd have learned a thing or two. Animals.

If some of the Yanks I have seen sat on a thunderbox,the lettuce would be well washed before the unload phase of the operation.

Some of the ‘frogs throats’ on them were down to their knees.

Like lifting a fire curtain to get to the ‘cabbage patch’ I would surmise.:mad:

EmmetSpiceland

I’m at a “team building”/conference event in Cork this week, shocking waste of time.

The place we’re in is quite nice though but the toilet, while immaculate and well appointed, had one major flaw, the toilet bowl itself. They are almost circular in shape, a long throat with a small splash zone. Also, the rim is very thin, as is the seat.

When you sit on the razor’s edge it’s very far up the back of your thigh and it’s almost instant blood cut off.

Anyway, this morning I had to use the main facilities. Everything was fine, I’ve had a good run of slick and solid movements of late, but the log itself was a joke. Very long, but not too thick, and it stayed connected even as it was breaking the surface of the water.

This is where the circular shape of the bowl went against me. I’m not sure exactly what happened but I think when the beast tapered off that it “coiled” in on itself and then sprung itself back up and to the side. It was beached on the bowl.

If I’d taken my own advice and “papered down” before unloading I think it would have been fine. The smell was very strong, nothing acrid but it did have that very “low register” pong that doesn’t go away.

I continued my “clean up” and hoped gravity would take its toll on the monster but it stayed put. I gave it a flush but the flush itself was one of them new “eco flo” types that are only ever set to stun. To my horror the log broke off below the water and was spirited away but the rest stay fixed to the porcelain. There was no brush behind the toilet, only a mocking silver holder.

I gave it two more goes with the flush but nothing changed. If I’d had a wire hanger I’d have been set but I wasn’t going to go up to the room to get one. So I did what anyone would have done. I covered the thing in paper, waited until the jacks sounded quiet and made my escape.

Hopefully it’s gone by now.

tgdaly

Happy 1,000 posts lads, more to come I'm sure!!

Woke Hogan

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Eh haven't you said very similar about your daughter.

Those in glass houses and all that

I never referred to her needing a crane to lift her anywhere.


My daughter has issues with her weight and I disagree with her "fat acceptance movement" ****e but she's still a human being at the end of the day.

gerrybbadd

All this chat about clothes hangers for chopping logs -

Do ye reckon there would be a market, in the current climate, for a new product - a shyte chopper? Imagine the scene now, you could have a set up beside the jacks, a bit like the fireside poker set. Your toilet brush, and your shyte chopper.

What form would it take? Would it require serrated edges for those more fibrous masses? I reckon something along the lines of half a hedge clippers would get the job done.

Bullocks

gerrybbadd wrote: »

All this chat about clothes hangers for chopping logs -

Do ye reckon there would be a market, in the current climate, for a new product - a shyte chopper? Imagine the scene now, you could have a set up beside the jacks, a bit like the fireside poker set. Your toilet brush, and your shyte chopper.

What form would it take? Would it require serrated edges for those more fibrous masses? I reckon something along the lines of half a hedge clippers would get the job done.

A hand blender . Battery powered

Purple Mountain

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

The shelf? Oh that's the SVP*

*Sh*t Viewing Platform

Anyone got an image of these toilets??

JohnnyFlash

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Anyone got an image of these toilets??

Disgusted even looking at the picture. Make you want to vote for Irexit.

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Disgusted even looking at the picture. Make you want to vote for Irexit.

You really do have to put some paper on the shelf to avoid shítty “streaks” after the flush drags it into the water below.

gerrybbadd

Jesus thats an abomination (abumination?)

I've never seen anything like that before. Why? Why God? That's a pure haven for streakage.

The only thing a man could do there is the aul Reverse Kanga, and sit backwards to drop off the Scheisse

Eggonyerface

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Jesus thats an abomination (abumination?)

I've never seen anything like that before. Why? Why God? That's a pure haven for streakage.

The only thing a man could do there is the aul Reverse Kanga, and sit backwards to drop off the Scheisse

Aka an A.C. Slater

EmmetSpiceland

gerrybbadd wrote: »

The only thing a man could do there is the aul Reverse Kanga, and sit backwards to drop off the Scheisse

I believe that’s also called “AC Slater-ing”.

EmmetSpiceland

Eggonyerface wrote: »

Aka an A.C. Slater

Good man, E.

Purple Mountain

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Jesus thats an abomination (abumination?)

I've never seen anything like that before. Why? Why God? That's a pure haven for streakage.

The only thing a man could do there is the aul Reverse Kanga, and sit backwards to drop off the Scheisse

It's to stop the splash back from hitting your cheeks when you land one at 5mph in the water below I'd say.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You really do have to put some paper on the shelf to avoid shítty “streaks” after the flush drags it into the water below.

Would you believe the Germans have a word especially for that? Bremsspuren. It roughly translates as 'skid marks left from the lay and display toilet'.



And here is a Continental attempting to explain the etiquette around using them. Weirdos.

SEPT 23 1989

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Disgusted even looking at the picture. Make you want to vote for Irexit.

How does that work?

There would be sh1te going up your back

JohnnyFlash

Compare and contrast with the cutting edge design of a Japanese boombox.

SEPT 23 1989

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Compare and contrast with the cutting edge design of a Japanese boombox.

What does that wire on the right hand side do or should I ask?

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Would you believe the Germans have a word especially for that? Bremsspuren. It roughly translates as 'skid marks left from the lay and display toilet'.



And here is a Continental attempting to explain the etiquette around using them. Weirdos.

Flushing while seated is just inviting a serous amount of splash water on the cheeks and “hole” area.

JohnnyFlash

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

What does that wire on the right hand side do or should I ask?

Of course you should ask; it shows a curious mind for the world. It's the pipe that heats the water used to clean your 'rusty tea towel holder'. So you select a cleansing option using the control panel on the left (or right, if you've just shunted out an arse baguette). The options determine the velocity, radius and temperature of the water. There's also buttons to dispense a 'strong deodorant', or to change the level of music played as you sit on the throne.



Some of the 5-star hotels over there also include toilets that allow you to finish up with a jet of warm air buffering your ringpiece, and a button that allows you to upload data pertaining to your movement to a compatible mobile application using bluetooth.

super_furry

Lads, does anyone still say gick?