What's the etiquette here??

Hector Savage

Holy frickin shiiiit!!!!!

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

...aaaand relax.

If you're a veggie why would you be eating in BK or McDs?

If you're not a veggie and were in BK or McDs why on earth would you be ordering a veggie or fish "burger". Abominable things.

YOU DON'T THINK IT'S AN ABSOLUTE SHAM TO HAVE TWO FINGER SHAPED PATTIES INSIDE A SINGLE BUN???? :mad: IT LITERALLY SERVES NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER OTHER THAN TO IRRITATE THE CUSTOMER :mad: THIS SH!T COST 4.4O FFS

Deebles McBeebles

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

YOU DON'T THINK IT'S AN ABSOLUTE SHAM TO HAVE TWO FINGER SHAPED PATTIES INSIDE A SINGLE BUN???? :mad: IT LITERALLY SERVES NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER OTHER THAN TO IRRITATE THE CUSTOMER :mad: THIS SH!T COST 4.4O FFS

Would you accept 2 finger-shaped fingers inside 2 buns?

Hector Savage

^^ Jaysus caller, less of the CAPS please!!

Grayson

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

...aaaand relax.

If you're a veggie why would you be eating in BK or McDs?

If you're not a veggie and were in BK or McDs why on earth would you be ordering a veggie or fish "burger". Abominable things.

I really like quorn chicken. And getting a "breast" of that, slicing it up and putting it in a roll is lovely.

I kinda wish you could get it deep fried in the same breading they put on KFC.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Would you accept 2 finger-shaped fingers inside 2 buns?

JOIN THEM TOGETHER AND MAKE A SINGLE PATTY FFS HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOMEONE PUT TWO THIN AND NOT SO LONG FLATTENED PENIS SHAPED BEEF BURGERS INSIDE A SINGLE BURGER BUN FOR YOU????? NO SOOner are you biting into one then the other FUKing one slops out on your hand it just annoys the **** out of me

Boom_Bap

Deebles McBeebles

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

JOIN THEM TOGETHER AND MAKE A SINGLE PATTY FFS HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOMEONE PUT TWO THIN AND NOT SO LONG FLATTENED PENIS SHAPED BEEF BURGERS INSIDE A SINGLE BURGER BUN FOR YOU????? NO SOOner are you biting into one then the other FUKing one slops out on your hand it just annoys the **** out of me

Fair play. I tried to go dirty and you beat me with innuendo.

You might use 2 hands so one penis-shaped item doesn't slop out on your hand. There are many, many instructional videos online.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Fair play. I tried to go dirty and you beat me with innuendo.

You might use 2 hands so one penis-shaped item doesn't slop out on your hand. There are many, many instructional videos online.

I'LL LEAVE THE PENIS VIDEOS TO YOU. YOU'LL FIT FOUR FLATTENED GREASY PENILES IN YOUR MOUTH, TWO FLATTENED PENILES IN YOUR BUM, AND THEN YOU'VE THE TWO HANDS ALSO.

ALL I WANT IS A PROPERLY DESIGNED EATING EXPERIENCE AND NOT SOME HALF-ARSED BOFFIN BULLS!T DESIGNED IN HALLYWOOD

Deebles McBeebles

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

I'LL LEAVE THE PENIS VIDEOS TO YOU. YOU'LL FIT FOUR FLATTENED GREASY PENILES IN YOUR MOUTH, TWO FLATTENED PENILES IN YOUR BUM, AND THEN YOU'VE THE TWO HANDS ALSO.

That's an awful thing to say. I would fit at least 6 in my mouth.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

That's an awful thing to say. I would fit at least 6 in my mouth.

I'm sorry. I'm just really really angry thinking about it. I'll have a pint after work.

gerrybbadd

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Nothing to do with the porter consumption on holiday, of course?

Is it true that most of the guests at that place are what you might call extremely well-travelled?

I've had no porter unfortunately.

Correct about the nomads, it's wall to wall with them. Here by the hundreds. Nothing but 8 yr olds running round with fake tans and sovereign rings.

Hector Savage

Hector Savage wrote: »

I remember years ago (almost 20 now) I was playing tennis down in St. Annes and I felt the old gurgle down below - was playing my brother who I have a very competitve relationship with on the court, just lost the 1st set 6-7 so was in foul form - the toilets at the little shack there were out of bounds so I went into the line of trees behind the courts and just emptied me guts into the small stream there.
Sounded like a family of otters diving into a river - took a couple of tennis balls with me for TP - funny sensation wiping your starfish with a tennis ball that's for sure.

Then we continued the game with them and I tell ya the topspin effect while flecks of ****e were flying off the ball and getting stuck in the strings .... nah just joking here!!!
Nah, I dumped them into the stream too and laughed heartily as I watched them bob down the river - a mix of green and brown - ****ing rank!

River is full of rats too, so didn't feel bad about the littering aspect.

Felt a lot lighter after getting rid of that kilo or 2 of midden and stormed the next set 6-2 .... won the third too 6-4 or 7-5.

Belter of a match and let off a massive fart to celebrate, you know people talk about McEnroe - Borg, Ivanisevic - Rafter .... Nadal - Federer, Djokovic - Federer ... but I tell ya, I know the legendery match in my head.

Well lads it happened AGAIN!

Was playing tennis last night, had a slight dose of the trots during the day, but nothing serious, anyway was holding in my farts cos I was afraid of sharting, and felt a serious load building up, so before the game I popped into the jacks, mens - no toilet paper, womens - no toilet paper.
At that stage it was too late and had to pull the cacks down and shotgun blasted a load of midden to the back of the pewter.

Then was rooting around my tennis bag for anything to wipe my hole with - am reading a good history book at the moment and was debating whether to rip out some of the first pages , but quite like the book and didn't want to damage it.

So it came down to a few old tennis balls, and a newer one that had quite a bit of fluff on it.

Quite a feeling wiping ones arse with a tennis ball - I suggest you try it sometime.

Never thought I'd do that twice in my lifetime, but there ya go!.

Anyway dumped the ****ty tennis balls in the bin and felt sorry for the cleaner that had to empty that bin, it's a fairly stingy club (fun fact it's where they played the tennis for the 1992 Olympics!) so I hope the balls don't end up in one of the coaches baskets .

Utter Consternation

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

I'm sorry. I'm just really really angry thinking about it. I'll have a pint after work.

Are you feeling ok today? Things seemed to be getting the better of you yesterday.

Hector Savage

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Are you feeling ok today? Things seemed to be getting the better of you yesterday.

Nothing a good solid sh1te wouldn't take care of!

EmmetSpiceland

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Are you feeling ok today? Things seemed to be getting the better of you yesterday.

You’d hope the pint after work “loosened” things up. It sounds like those veggie fingers “gummed” up the works, it’s the only explanation for such an outburst.

One would hope the only “outburst” coming from him today will be safety contained in the toilet bowl.

Deebles McBeebles

I'm interested now. C'mon Sally Anne, what was the pint and what was its effect on your bowels?

Maybe it turned into many pints and the brown waterworks started this morning?

Deebles McBeebles

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You’d hope the pint after work “loosened” things up. It sounds like those veggie fingers “gummed” up the works, it’s the only explanation for such an outburst.

That's the one good thing about veggie food, Emmet, it won't gum up anything. Its much more likely to have started an avalanche up there.

EmmetSpiceland

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

That's the one good thing about veggie food, Emmet, it won't gum up anything. Its much more likely to have started an avalanche up there.

Normally I’d agree with you, D. But this wasn’t any ordinary “veggie” food.

I’ve found with things like chickpeas, quorn or soy products that they tend to “turbo charge” things alright. Especially on the farting front. Loud and airy, no real cause for concern.

But when you’re talking a “fast food” type all bets are off.

JohnnyFlash

I went to the doctor last year, and he told me that I needed to stop drinking so much, and to eat some fruit and vegetables. A complete arséhole btw - the gimp had his triathlon medals framed behind his desk. There's definitely a link between an excessive interest in exercise and fitness, and being a complete ballbag with the personality of a damp dishcloth.

Gave it a shot - you know the sort of thing - smoothies for breakfast, soup and salad for lunch, only one bag of crisps per day, only one fry a week, eating fish that wasn't coated in batter and deep fried. And only 12 pints a week. It was the longest week of my life.

I also ordered this stuff called Complete Greens from Bulk Powders. It's a 'potent blend' of 25 different green vegetables. Two scoops is meant to be equivalent to 7 of your 5 a day. It tastes like something that Beelzebub himself would concoct - vile. However it has a most interesting side effect - your bowel movements are as smooth as a Barry White album, and the length of a small baseball bat. Just huge long batons floating languidly in their watery bath. The types that make you chuckle when you sneak a peek through the legs. Minimal paperwork needed afterwards as well.

Couldn't go veggie, but recommend the Complete Greens to anyone who might be feeling a bit 'bound up' at the moment - Sinn Fein online supporters, Arsenal fans, some of the humourless sorts who take this forum far too seriously, Brendan Bendar etc.

Hal3000

Hal3000 wrote: »

The stalls in our place are utterly disgusting and getting worse. Some days lads just come in, casually have enormous farts, and then walk out, without even doing their business. WTF is up with that? A horrendous experience when your in a stall by yourself. Gassed by some mysterious plonker in a monkey suit. I now try and identify them by their shoes because that's all I can see of these cowards when I'm on the pot.

Also, the brazeness of a man who can squelch out rotten depth charges in a opposing stall and then try and spark up a conversation when you both come out of the stall is beyond me. I couldn't even look a person in the eye never mind talk to them after doing something like that! I get SO anxious now when some paltry oaf lands in the opposite stall. It's so bad I put my headphones on to drown out the disgusting sounds of these pigs.

Important Update from the stalls.

I have found Atlantis! A single cubicle. Now I know how Mandela must have felt when he walked free from Robben Island. I'm keeping its location under wraps from the Neanderthals and beastly characters in the main thoroughfare. Although I know a colleague is of a similar ilke to my toilet etequitte so I might let him know. The ventilation is not as good, but having to basque in just my own tang is bliss.

Aglomerado

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Normally I’d agree with you, D. But this wasn’t any ordinary “veggie” food.

I’ve found with things like chickpeas, quorn or soy products that they tend to “turbo charge” things alright. Especially on the farting front. Loud and airy, no real cause for concern.

But when you’re talking a “fast food” type all bets are off.

I have a violent allergy to Quorn. I could pebbledash a 2 storey farmhouse after eating it. That's with the stuff I DON'T puke up first.

Deebles McBeebles

Aglomerado wrote: »

I have a violent allergy to Quorn. I could pebbledash a 2 storey farmhouse after eating it. That's with the stuff I DON'T puke up first.

I have the same with eggs. We should get together and f*ck up a farmhouse.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I went to the doctor last year, and he told me that I needed to stop drinking so much, and to eat some fruit and vegetables. A complete arséhole btw - the gimp had his triathlon medals framed behind his desk. There's definitely a link between an excessive interest in exercise and fitness, and being a complete ballbag with the personality of a damp dishcloth.

Gave it a shot - you know the sort of thing - smoothies for breakfast, soup and salad for lunch, only one bag of crisps per day, only one fry a week, eating fish that wasn't coated in batter and deep fried. And only 12 pints a week. It was the longest week of my life.

I also ordered this stuff called Complete Greens from Bulk Powders. It's a 'potent blend' of 25 different green vegetables. Two scoops is meant to be equivalent to 7 of your 5 a day. It tastes like something that Beelzebub himself would concoct - vile. However it has a most interesting side effect - your bowel movements are as smooth as a Barry White album, and the length of a small baseball bat. Just huge long batons floating languidly in their watery bath. The types that make you chuckle when you sneak a peek through the legs. Minimal paperwork needed afterwards as well.

Couldn't go veggie, but recommend the Complete Greens to anyone who might be feeling a bit 'bound up' at the moment - Sinn Fein online supporters, Arsenal fans, some of the humourless sorts who take this forum far too seriously, Brendan Bendar etc.

Filthy kernt, was going to give you a like till I read the last line.

News for you, dropped a load like a bucket of wallpaper paste into the rear convenience of an Aer Lingus flight from Amsterdam yesterday..... fairly large damage footprint which had to be cleaned, had to abandon the jocks in Dublin Airport as the crotch was well ‘pasted’.

Hector Savage

I was on a vueling flight once to France and my three year old needed to poo - as we were landing, flight attendents wouldn't let us take him, so the poor lad shat his pants - the f*cking STINK!!!

The poor passengers around us, when the plane parked the stewardess opened the back door even tho there was no stairs there, just for fresh air, she stood on guard too ...

EmmetSpiceland

Hector Savage wrote: »

I was on a vueling flight once to France and my three year old needed to poo - as we were landing, flight attendents wouldn't let us take him, so the poor lad shat his pants - the f*cking STINK!!!

The poor passengers around us, when the plane parked the stewardess opened the back door even tho there was no stairs there, just for fresh air, she stood on guard too ...

I hope you emptied the contents of the child’s underpants on the aisle before disembarking.

Can’t stand that level of bureaucratic nonsense. Should be punished at every opportunity.

Utter Consternation

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I hope you emptied the contents of the child’s underpants on the aisle before disembarking.

Can’t stand that level of bureaucratic nonsense. Should be punished at every opportunity.

A dirty protest is taking it slightly too far?

Bullocks

Hector Savage wrote: »

I was on a vueling flight once to France and my three year old needed to poo - as we were landing, flight attendents wouldn't let us take him, so the poor lad shat his pants - the f*cking STINK!!!

The poor passengers around us, when the plane parked the stewardess opened the back door even tho there was no stairs there, just for fresh air, she stood on guard too ...

I remember bringing the youngest lad on his first plane when he about 3. He got so excited that he was vomiting. Going up the steps herself had to push people out of the way so he could use the loo. Before we took off he had to puke again but on take off he couldn't get out of the seat. Just as we were leaving the ground he shouted" yayyyy we're flyi..... blurghhhhh" spewed all over the seat in front of him. Fair play to the lady in front of him who got a bit in her hair, she never even gave us a dirty look.
Be some craic when he starts drinking porter

gerrybbadd

Had the worst all you can eat experience in Trabolgan on Wednesday night. Horrible crap with a shyte selection.

Anyhow we decided to do the Spike Island tour yesterday. I knew I was in trouble 2 minutes into the boat journey out. A liquidy rumble in the guts.

I knew the pressure I was feeling was not simply gas, so had to clench the 2 cheeks pretty tight until I found suitable facilities.

Into the Jack's in the coffee shop - phew, it was empty. Just as I began to unload topsoil direct into the bowl a group of american tourists landed in. About the same time as the liquid finished and a battillion of farts started. I'd say they were ducking for cover, with flashbacks of 'Nam fresh in their minds. Between the noises, and the smells of Vietcong drains

EmmetSpiceland

Utter Consternation wrote: »

A dirty protest is taking it slightly too far?

Not far enough. You’re the one who’s going to have to clean up that mess. I would feel happier in all sides taking up some of the slack.