What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Mine is a pride frightener, Johnny. And I don't mean a pack of lions.

Frightening all the lads at the parade again, D?

Happy pride month!

Brendan Bendar

Boom_Bap wrote: »

The best one is, 'it must have been that low flying duck making noise'

I tend to use” Aaah Jaysus no need to rip it, I’ll take the full item” or “Another confident appeal from the Australians”.

Former Observer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Drinking pints causes your flute to shrink? Distressing news for the punters around here, as I get the feeling some of them aren’t exactly packing a ‘bride frightener’

Drinking on a regular basis causes estrogen dominance.

The glans head won't shrink, but it'll look like it's dangling on two centimeters of string, and your balls will retract up into your body.

Utter Consternation

Do people have no fcuking manners? I had to rush my dump this morning and evacuate the fcuking jacks. Some cnut came in whilst i was mid dump and proceeded to fart his fcuking brains out in the stall beside me. Weedy, watery farts accompanied by some gasping. No one wants to fcuking hear that. Jesus fcuking Christ.

No consideration at all.

yermandan

bodhrandude wrote: »

http://www.thejournal.co.uk/news/north-east-news/charlotte-taylor-gets-stuck-toilet-4472827

'An apprentice at Spec-Savers' hahaha

gerrybbadd

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Do people have no fcuking manners? I had to rush my dump this morning and evacuate the fcuking jacks. Some cnut came in whilst i was mid dump and proceeded to fart his fcuking brains out in the stall beside me. Weedy, watery farts accompanied by some gasping. No one wants to fcuking hear that. Jesus fcuking Christ.

No consideration at all.

You think that's bad? I regulary experience a fella landing into trap 2 beside me in work.

He'll launch into the farting first, wild, hitching yokes, squealing out of him. Then the watery shyte starts. The whole time, he's muttering to himself. I think the odd prayer is said. If i see a trap out of the 2 avaialble is occupied, i at least have the good manners to find alternative places to drop off the load. There's nothing worse than sitting in for a good evac session, than some absoute inconsiderate cúnt balling into the trap beside you.

A favourite of mine when they start is to start tutting really loud. Big fart - tut tut tut. They don't be too long pulling up the undercrackers and fúcking off out

Deebles McBeebles

gerrybbadd wrote: »

A favourite of mine when they start is to start tutting really loud. Big fart - tut tut tut. They don't be too long pulling up the undercrackers and fúcking off out

I'm stealing that one Gerry. Excellent.

Boom_Bap

When you have someone like that beside you, then they barely wipe, or scratch the sheriff off themselves relentlessly with half a roll of sandpaper jacks roll, then exit without washing their hands.

Deebles McBeebles

Boom_Bap wrote: »

When you have someone like that beside you, then they barely wipe, or scratch the sheriff off themselves relentlessly with half a roll of sandpaper jacks roll, then exit without washing their hands.

Lad I know had a slight drippage issue while putting the gun back in the holster. Never bothered washing his hands so why should this one be different. He came out, hands glistening with the colour of Carlsberg gold just as a girl was leaving for a new job and shook her hand.

I was thinking about politics there for a micro second before replying and a question has formed. How bad a state do ye reckon Trump left his Doonbeg jacks in? We all know he has the diet of a recently-divorced 40 year old. Or maybe he had Eric give it the once over before leaving?

Boom_Bap

Rumour has it that Eric has to clean every trap with his tongue before big Donny drops the kids off at the pool. Donny Jr. has to give a one over after the event and the wife has to not break eye contact with any of them during the ceremony.

Deebles McBeebles

Ivanka must hold the phone so. I imagine he needs both hands to brace at times.

Hotblack Desiato

Former Observer wrote: »

The glans head won't shrink, but it'll look like it's dangling on two centimeters of string, and your balls will retract up into your body.

Speak for yourself, pal.

Boom_Bap

I wonder if a slip from Ivanka caused 'Covefe'

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Do people have no fcuking manners? I had to rush my dump this morning and evacuate the fcuking jacks. Some cnut came in whilst i was mid dump and proceeded to fart his fcuking brains out in the stall beside me. Weedy, watery farts accompanied by some gasping. No one wants to fcuking hear that. Jesus fcuking Christ.

No consideration at all.

It's the reason I started the thread in the first place, Utter. Some people are simply clueless to the realities of shítter etiquette. This stuff should be taught in schools. Society is going to hell in a handbasket.

1) Never wait outside a stall for someone to come out. This is bad mannered at best, but simply inexcusable if it's in a work or family environment. Put it on the clutch and wait a few minutes.

2) No talking to the guy in the cubicle next to you - no 'see the match last night, Donal', or 'I'd lay off the lager for a while, mate'. This shouldn't happen at a urinal either.

3) If you spot a colleague entering a 2 cubicle facility then do the mannerly thing and wait if you can at all. You don't want to barge in there as he's just about to 'restock Brown Creek' . It's off-putting for him, and unpleasant mental imagery for you.

4) If you pinch out a massive one, then resist the urge to leave it there so the next punter can admire it. It's like kids; you think your own ones are the best ever, but others really aren't that impressed.

5) Put down some blankets before you begin - it all but rules out the dreaded 'Neptune's Kiss', and minimises the chances of there being serious 'excremation marks' left on the bottom of the bowl.

6) If you've 'panned' most of it (usually as a result of drinking 2 bottles of red wine to 'wind down') then do your best to tidy it up. You'll never get everything back to the way it was, but don't just leave the place looking like a Leprechaun terrorist is after exploding a dirty bomb there. Specks of drittle under the toilet seat was the worst 'crop dusting' I've ever seen - full 360 evacuation. Always wonder what happened to that guy.

7) If you have to ditch the jocks then don't just stuff them in the cistern, or leave them hanging on the coat hanger inside the door. Bag them up, and dispose of them in a rubbish bin or in a flower pot or something.

8) Top Decking is only to be used in extreme circumstances when all other avenues of diplomacy and reason have failed. It's an act of fecoterrorism, and most plumbers won't deal with that sort of work. If you're top decking more than once a year then you've got unresolved anger issues you need to work on.

9) Always carry a box of matches or lighter if you’re after a serious night on the porter. Use this to burn away the methane and other toxic chemicals, but not to try to set fire to the bolus itself.

Brendan Bendar

gerrybbadd wrote: »

You think that's bad? I regulary experience a fella landing into trap 2 beside me in work.

He'll launch into the farting first, wild, hitching yokes, squealing out of him. Then the watery shyte starts. The whole time, he's muttering to himself. I think the odd prayer is said. If i see a trap out of the 2 avaialble is occupied, i at least have the good manners to find alternative places to drop off the load. There's nothing worse than sitting in for a good evac session, than some absoute inconsiderate cúnt balling into the trap beside you.

A favourite of mine when they start is to start tutting really loud. Big fart - tut tut tut. They don't be too long pulling up the undercrackers and fúcking off out

Gerry, word in yer ear,

1. If the traps are, as most are, and have a gap over the top of the door, reach down over the top and slide the catch to ‘engaged’.
Then use the adjacent trap.

2. Always use the end trap, covers at least one side.

That ensured you have a buffer zone between you and some clown who squats and blows out beef stew with a trumpet solo of watery farts, and then leaves without washing hands or cleaning properly.

Must have a hoop like the top of a sauce bottle, the filthy kernts.

Boom_Bap

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Gerry, word in yer ear,

1. If the traps are, as most are, and have a gap over the top of the door, reach down over the top and slide the catch to ‘engaged’.
Then use the adjacent trap.

2. Always use the end trap, covers at least one side.

That ensured you have a buffer zone between you and some clown who squats and blows out beef stew with a trumpet solo of watery farts, and then leaves without washing hands or cleaning properly.

Must have a hoop like the top of a sauce bottle, the filthy kernts.

You can also use a coin on the lock from the outside to open/close the lock.

safeasparagus

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

It's the reason I started the thread in the first place, Utter. Some people are simply clueless to the realities of shítter etiquette. This stuff should be taught in schools. Society is going to hell in a handbasket.

1) Never wait outside a stall for someone to come out. This is bad mannered at best, but simply inexcusable if it's in a work or family environment. Put it on the clutch and wait a few minutes.

2) No talking to the guy in the cubicle next to you - no 'see the match last night, Donal', or 'I'd lay off the lager for a while, mate'. This shouldn't happen at a urinal either.

3) If you spot a colleague entering a 2 cubicle facility then do the mannerly thing and wait if you can at all. You don't want to barge in there as he's just about to 'restock Brown Creek' . It's off-putting for him, and unpleasant mental imagery for you.

4) If you pinch out a massive one, then resist the urge to leave it there so the next punter can admire it. It's like kids; you think your own ones are the best ever, but others really aren't that impressed.

5) Put down some blankets before you begin - it all but rules out the dreaded 'Neptune's Kiss', and minimises the chances of there being serious 'excremation marks' left on the bottom of the bowl.

6) If you've 'panned' most of it (usually as a result of drinking 2 bottles of red wine to 'wind down') then do your best to tidy it up. You'll never get everything back to the way it was, but don't just leave the place looking like a Leprechaun terrorist is after exploding a dirty bomb there. Specks of drittle under the toilet seat was the worst 'crop dusting' I've ever seen - full 360 evacuation. Always wonder what happened to that guy.

7) If you have to ditch the jocks then don't just stuff them in the cistern, or leave them hanging on the coat hanger inside the door. Bag them up, and dispose of them in a rubbish bin or in a flower pot or something.

8) Top Decking is only to be used in extreme circumstances when all other avenues of diplomacy and reason have failed. It's an act of fecoterrorism, and most plumbers won't deal with that sort of work. If you're top decking more than once a year then you've got unresolved anger issues you need to work on.

9) Always carry a box of matches or lighter if you’re after a serious night on the porter. Use this to burn away the methane and other toxic chemicals, but not to try to set fire to the bolus itself.

That’s the best post I’ve read in a long time Johnny ! I think I’ll print it out and stick it in the jacks for some of the filthy kernts in here , in fact I might go the whole hog and laminate it before hanging !!

Brendan Bendar

With regard to ‘waiting around outside a stall’ lad I knew used to,when using a random jacks, and after he had evacuated the guts, brought the hoop back to blue flag standard , used to very gently slide the bolt back and apply a cigarette lighter to it for about 40 seconds.

Then a big flush and out like an otter from a bank.



The roars of the kernt after him, fingers burnt off him, the kernt.

gerrybbadd

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Gerry, word in yer ear,

1. If the traps are, as most are, and have a gap over the top of the door, reach down over the top and slide the catch to ‘engaged’.
Then use the adjacent trap.

2. Always use the end trap, covers at least one side.

That ensured you have a buffer zone between you and some clown who squats and blows out beef stew with a trumpet solo of watery farts, and then leaves without washing hands or cleaning properly.

Must have a hoop like the top of a sauce bottle, the filthy kernts.

Thanks for the advice Bren.

I always take the trap beside the wall. As you say, at least one side is covered.

The traps in our place have no gap at the top. Sealed doors, that result in a sprucing of scent when you open them after "blitzkrieging the Japs".

Lots of bad bustards in here who do the hole scratching bit with the bog roll - it's not kitten soft let me tell ya. You'd happily use it to restore a rowing boat, in need of a good sanding. And virtually all will depart the toilet without washing their hands.

Animals.

Former Observer

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Weedy, watery farts accompanied by some gasping.

Anal gasping or mouth breathing?

gerrybbadd

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

With regard to ‘waiting around outside a stall’ lad I knew used to,when using a random jacks, and after he had evacuated the guts, brought the hoop back to blue flag standard , used to very gently slide the bolt back and apply a cigarette lighter to it for about 40 seconds.

Then a big flush and out like an otter from a bank.



The roars of the kernt after him, fingers burnt off him, the kernt.

I'm not sure I follow here Bren.

He burnt the finges off himself?

Former Observer

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Speak for yourself, pal.

No need to be so defensive my estrogen dominant friend. Give it a measure and you'll see you've lost half an inch of flaccid tubing, minimum..

I've given you the knowledge, but the onus is now on you to cut back on the Carling Black Label.

EmmetSpiceland

Today has been a complete disaster. I’m still not sure I should post this but feck it. Considering you lot were no use with my “shítcadian” rhythm issue so I took matters into my own hand. The last couple of days I’ve just held the night time one in so I’ve been unleashing “double loads” in the morning. Very smelly.

Things did not work out so well this morning. I had two meetings and an incredibly boring presentation. I didn’t get any chance to make a meaningful toilet trip, I did nip out just before the presentation to take a leak in the hope that it would “alleviate” some of the pressure on the system.

After 10:30am the “gurgling” started. Low and hard to hear at first but then changed pitch into these weird high pitched “inward” farts. Each one caused me to shift my seating position. Very uncomfortable. I get through all this, we’ve all been there you just suck it up and clench until you’re free.

So I’m over an hour past my morning “due date”, longer if you count skipping the night time dump.
I finally get into the jacks, all stalls free. All going well so far. Things go downhill fast.

Now, I’m no hairier than the next man but hairy enough. Considering I’m working “blind”, if I had to put my arse area on a scale I’d say similar to a french lady from a late 80s/early 90s “seed catalogue”. Now, a friend of mine once went into exquisite details about how before every shíte he runs a “papered” finger through the crack, like swiping a credit card, to separate the thatch. I thought he must be nuts, until now.

In my rush to get done I just “dropped trou” and planted myself down. All that over-boiled fecal mess started out, soft, like custard. Suddenly, I’m getting sharp stinging pains either side of the badge. It’s the pain of hair being pulled. Then I feel another “sensation”, it feels like something is crawling up my “barse”. Something warm and disgusting.

I flapped at the paper dispenser, got a few sheets out and had to get straight to work, two thick, course hairs had “knotted” together. This “tangle” had cut through, and diverted, the “mess” and had to be separated. It hurt like hell.

I kept “at it” by trying to just force it apart. I think they just got plucked as there was no sign of a “dread” dangling down after and I got an almighty stinging pain. That was one problem solved.

Then I had to deal with the “barsal” zone. I spent about 25 minutes doing my best to get things clear but the paper just seemed to spread everything like a “grouting” trowel. The ball sac was spared but the “barse” was heavily stained, every wipe showed shítty “evidence” so eventually I had to just give up and admit defeat.

I managed to pick up a packet of wet wipes, the ones for babies. Going to go back in and give everything a proper going over, can’t flush those yokes though so will have to save them in tissue and bin them after. This really hasn’t been a good day.

I’m not staying a minute longer than I have to today. I just want to leave right now but I’m not letting something like that get the better of me. Not this time. Will try avoid using my hands directly when I eating my lunch, unless I get to dip them in bleach first.

Hector Savage

Utter Consternation wrote: »

)

Guinness firms things up? What type of guinness are you drinking and where are you getting it?????

After a few gallons i'm usually splashing black water out my hoop like fcuking Old Faithful in Yellowstone Park (minus the Japanese tourists taking photos).

Now there is an image !
Having the Guinness trots with a Japanese man with his Nikon D6000 + macro lens snapping away !!!

Hector Savage

Was at a school play earlier that my 7 year old was starring in, decided to head to the jacks before the show, didn't want to have the sheriffs badge twitching during the event.
It's just as well I did, deposited a load that had the length, girth and probably the mass of a Burmese Rock Python.

Would not flush either, stuck to the bottom and curling around the edges of the pewter bowl.

Enjoyed the show and was chuckling to myself at the thought of the poor cleaning lady that's gonna have to dump a litre of caustic soda on the bastard to get it moving!

Hector Savage

yermandan wrote: »

'An apprentice at Spec-Savers' hahaha

It's lucky she wasn't drunded!

Hector Savage

safeasparagus wrote: »

That’s the best post I’ve read in a long time Johnny ! I think I’ll print it out and stick it in the jacks for some of the filthy kernts in here , in fact I might go the whole hog and laminate it before hanging !!

I was thinking of doing the same!
But they'll know it's me, I'm the only Irish lad in here!

JohnnyFlash

3 or 4 posting isn’t a good look, Hector.

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

Anal gasping or mouth breathing?

Is “anal gasping” actually a thing? What happens exactly? You can draw air in through the arsehole itself?

I’ve said it before, you must have some core strength. Tell me, can you “draw up” your balls as well? I’ve heard that’s a sign of a strong core, never heard of the “gasping” though.

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I'm not sure I follow here Bren.

He burnt the finges off himself?

He’s undone the bolt already, G. He heats it up on the inside of the door, gets out and then the “waiter” comes in and tries to slide the bolt into place and he then pays for his “crime”.

Deebles McBeebles

I was enjoying my lunch til the "before every shíte he runs a “papered” finger through the crack, like swiping a credit card, to separate the thatch" bit, Emmet.

Ye should go halves on a dog shaving set, do each other so as to avoid any cuts.