What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

I was enjoying my lunch til the "before every shíte he runs a “papered” finger through the crack, like swiping a credit card, to separate the thatch" bit, Emmet.

Ye should go halves on a dog shaving set, do each other so as to avoid any cuts.

I’ll be doing it from now on, D. Every time. Anything to avoid having to go through “that” again.

I mentioned before about the louder farts due to the lack of a muffler after a wax but it might be my only option “going forward”.

Imagine if I’d farted in the office when the two hairs were tight across the “brown star”? Could have screeched like blowing across a blade of grass held in your hands or some weird Chinese musical instrument.

Either way, I’m glad the “cheese slicer” is gone. The pain was one thing but the clean up was just insult to injury.

Hotblack Desiato

Former Observer wrote: »

I've given you the knowledge, but the onus is now on you to cut back on the Carling Black Label.

Never touch that stuff. And I can assure you my black belt in 'marital arts' is still safe.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’ll be doing it from now on, D. Every time. Anything to avoid having to go through “that” again.

I mentioned before about the louder farts due to the lack of a muffler after a wax but it might be my only option “going forward”.

Imagine if I’d farted in the office when the two hairs were tight across the “brown star”? Could have screeched like blowing across a blade of grass held in your hands or some weird Chinese musical instrument.

Either way, I’m glad the “cheese slicer” is gone. The pain was one thing but the clean up was just insult to injury.

My sister worked as a lecturer down in the RTC in galway and was telling me that one of her students missed his final exams because he waxed his arsehole. Loads of ingrown hairs emerged and his valve became infected. He was rushed to hospital and they tried to save his ring, but ended up having to fit him with a plastic anus. And he ended up failing college. Be warned. Vanity can be your downfall.

Former Observer

Glad to see dialogue expand into issues relating to knotted arse hair. I think we've all had it, and I suggest further discussion/research is needed.

Former Observer

I've always said, women are just men with lipstick and shaved legs. Turn off the lights and tell Gary he's getting all six.

Scoundrel

I've been blessed recently with good solid movements single log etc but i'm having awful problems with cling ons varying in from pea sized to nugget sized and having to do a lot of jiggling to free it and sometime having to dig it out using tissue thus creating a bumper dangle berry harvest which is one crop you don't want a bumper harvest of. Any advice of fixing this problem?

Hotblack Desiato

Hector Savage wrote: »

Now there is an image !
Having the Guinness trots with a Japanese man with his Nikon D6000 + macro lens snapping away !!!

Tubman :eek:

Hotblack Desiato

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Low and hard to hear at first but then changed pitch into these weird high pitched “inward” farts.

There is little worse than a bad attack of the "internal farts"

No warning, so you can't even attempt to 'clench' or 'ease and squeeze' to combat the noise. Some are close to painful.

As for the rest of your sorry tail tale, maybe ask your significant other to trim away the worst of the arse-thatch? Following a thorough cleaning, of course.

IAMAMORON

Scoundrel wrote: »

I've been blessed recently with good solid movements single log etc but i'm having awful problems with cling ons varying in from pea sized to nugget sized and having to do a lot of jiggling to free it and sometime having to dig it out using tissue thus creating a bumper dangle berry harvest which is one crop you don't want a bumper harvest of. Any advice of fixing this problem?

I quite like to preserve my dangle berries before pulling. It's an alpha thing. I tend to Sudocream if they have glued too tightly to my sides, but this is time dependent. For example if I have time I might try to fuse extra berries, as I said this depends on the time elapsed since heaving.

I hope this helps.

Hector Savage

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

My sister worked as a lecturer down in the RTC in galway and was telling me that one of her students missed his final exams because he waxed his arsehole. Loads of ingrown hairs emerged and his valve became infected. He was rushed to hospital and they tried to save his ring, but ended up having to fit him with a plastic anus. And he ended up failing college. Be warned. Vanity can be your downfall.

Holy ****!!!!

So what do the young wans nowadays do ??? shave ?

DEFTLEFTHAND

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Never touch that stuff. And I can assure you my black belt in 'marital arts' is still safe.

Is that you Jeff?

Hotblack Desiato

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

Is that you Jeff?

Unfortunately not, I have to earn a living.

EmmetSpiceland

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

There is little worse than a bad attack of the "internal farts"

No warning, so you can't even attempt to 'clench' or 'ease and squeeze' to combat the noise. Some are close to painful.

As for the rest of your sorry tail tale, maybe ask your significant other to trim away the worst of the arse-thatch? Following a thorough cleaning, of course.

I’m going to leave the partner out of this one. I’ll be heading straight for the shower once I get in and then after when everything is a little “softened” I'll trim things back with a curved nail scissors.

I’m not sure how fair I should trim to avoid a “spiking” clench when I stand up.

Brendan Bendar

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I'm not sure I follow here Bren.

He burnt the finges off himself?

Sorry Gerard, the shytter opens the ‘bolt’ quietly and after all paperwork is done, applies a cigarette lighter to the bolt for about a minute,then flushes and out the door, doesn’t touch the bolt himself.

The dude outside goes in,snaps the bolt, and burns the paw off himself.

Does that do any better.

Impatient kernt.

mfceiling

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

If you let an enormous blast of the arse trumpet go in company then you can defuse the awkwardness of the situation by following up with a quip.

Something like ‘a bit more choke and she would have started’, ‘more tea Vicar’, or ‘you were only meant to blow the bloody doors off’.

I had a mate from Donegal who used to fart so loudly that the panes of glass would rattle and it would set off car alarms 2 streets away. No shame. He used to proclaim..."working well since I got it fixed". Helped diffuse any awkwardness for either party.

Ush1

Former Observer wrote: »

Anal gasping or mouth breathing?

Perhaps the greatest question ever asked.

EmmetSpiceland

Ush1 wrote: »

Perhaps the greatest question ever asked.

Arse on him like a landed fish!

Ted_YNWA

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Gerry, word in yer ear,

1. If the traps are, as most are, and have a gap over the top of the door, reach down over the top and slide the catch to ‘engaged’.
Then use the adjacent trap.

2. Always use the end trap, covers at least one side.

That ensured you have a buffer zone between you and some clown who squats and blows out beef stew with a trumpet solo of watery farts, and then leaves without washing hands or cleaning properly.

Must have a hoop like the top of a sauce bottle, the filthy kernts.

This is a double edged sword, it would also be the most used & potentially suffered most machine gun fire.

Former Observer

On the toliet right now. Some fairly serious wregage.

Each thrust sounds like a boy with a lisp on the verge of saying something profound but then forgetting: "thuuuth, thuuth,thuuuth, thuuuth, thuuuth..."

Crusty Jocks

Which one of you horrible c*nts is Tikki Wang Wang?

I have a large spot on the rim of my anus and I took a video to see where to prick it with a needle to excise its badness and aid healing. Unfortunately I sent this so my plums and anal area are visible along with some groaning[\i]

This thread has a lot of potential

https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057986868/1/#post110385586

Poor Uncle Tom

Crusty Jocks wrote: »

Which one of you horrible c*nts is Tikki Wang Wang?

I have a large spot on the rim of my anus and I took a video to see where to prick it with a needle to excise its badness and aid healing. Unfortunately I sent this so my plums and anal area are visible along with some groaning[\i]

This thread has a lot of potential

https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057986868/1/#post110385586

Now, YOU sound like a real prize.

Hotblack Desiato

On a kinda-related note, someone is going around Dublin city centre putting full-colour stickers of a caucasian anus onto lampposts.

EmmetSpiceland

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

On a kinda-related note, someone is going around Dublin city centre putting full-colour stickers of a caucasian anus onto lampposts.

Wait, are anusii not “universal”? Are different races differently orientated?

Poor Uncle Tom

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Wait, are anusii not “universal”? Are different races differently orientated?

you can tell by the accent.

Sonny noggs

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

On a kinda-related note, someone is going around Dublin city centre putting full-colour stickers of a caucasian anus onto lampposts.

Any dangleberries / klingons / willnots showing?

Borderfox

Sonny noggs wrote: »

Any dangleberries / klingons / willnots showing?

It's probably clean as a whistle and waxed

Former Observer

Would this be a political statement of some kind? Whatever it is, I approve.

Voodoomelon

Went to an Indian restaurant last night late enough, about 9.45. Had a wonderful lamb Madras and piles of Naan. Woke up this morning and I knew something was rotten in the State of Arsemark. Awful grumblings and latent "heat" down below. But 15 minutes was better spent in bed than sitting on the bog waiting for something to happen, so I took the burden with me to work. Checked a few emails and dithered around for a few minutes, before popping upstairs and unleashing a gush of lava onto a pre-prepared cushion of bog roll in the base of the bowl. The smell was foul, yet captivatingly sweet and exotic, almost akin to the pong of post Bulmers slop but with more of a herbaceous scent. I've no doubt colleagues would have agreed with me, so everyone was under strict instructions to stay downstairs for 30 minutes on my return.

SirGerryAdams

They should have to play music or something in the jacks. I often need to blast **** and fart out but I always wait until someone else flushes the toilet or the urinals flush. Then all hell breaks loose and I apply as much thrust as I can to get the scour/fart concoction scuttering out the shítchute. There's a limited window of opportunity so it's not enough to just let the pressure build up relieve naturally, you gotta squeeze like you're stepping on a balloon.

gerrybbadd

Ah Gerry, i thought you of all people wouldn't be afraid of a little "Friendly Fire".

Let them farts out lads. Louder the better. If ye are a bit self concious, make a few more fart noises with your mouths, make a song of it. That'll cover the tracks nicely (though not the shyte tracks, those will require manual effort to remove).

I'd reccomend "The Witch Doctor" by The band Cartoons. Catchy as hell - you might even strike up an aul duet with a trapmate. And it's appropriate too - "Oooh, eeh, oooh aaaah aaah, tang tang, walla walla bing bang!"