What's the etiquette here??

Utter Consternation

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

No, no, as I stated previously I left the partner out of it. There are some “intimate” things a couple can engage in but I think shaving or trimming around the arsehole just isn’t one of them.

As another poster on this site recommended to a different user, who was suffering from a type of “anal boil”, I went with the double mirror technique.

Got the looking glasses aligned, then lay back and lifted both legs, spread, up into the air. At this point I used an old work tie to “hoist” up the old “wedding tackle” so as to avoid any potential puncturing or castration.

It all went smoothly enough, no pun intended, but I didn’t take it down too low. Just enough to avoid any future “entanglement”. It hasn’t been all plain sailing though, there is quite a “prickly” sensation whenever I stand up straight. I’ve gotten used to it now but it’s still there.

A small price to pay for peace of mind, and body.

There might be a gap in the market for couples arse clipping. Move the relationship onto the next step.

Anyone brave enough to go down that hole?

Hector Savage

In tears here reading the back and forth between JohnnyFlash and Pintman!!!
Isn't there rumours that it's actually the same poster ?

Boom_Bap

Hector Savage wrote: »

In tears here reading the back and forth between JohnnyFlash and Pintman!!!
Isn't there rumours that it's actually the same poster ?

Rumour has it that they were both born in the toilets in the Coombe, the same cubicle, the same date, same birth-weight but 1 year apart.
Both also immaculate conceptions.

Utter Consternation

Boom_Bap wrote: »

Rumour has it that they were both born in the toilets in the Coombe, the same cubicle, the same date, same birth-weight but 1 year apart.
Both also immaculate conceptions.

And they're both still virgins.

EmmetSpiceland

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Emmet the penis hammock creation was a genius idea.
Can you confirm that the aul farts are of a higher pitch now that there's no muffling effect from the hairy ring?

Thanks, G. It held the balls in check too. I didn’t start with it there, first I was just dragging everything up with my free hand but with the hammock it allowed for a better “spread” of the area and an all round safer cut.

I haven’t notice any change to the “pitch” of the farts but I only concentrated the “cutting” to the area immediately surrounding the hole itself. There’s still a good bit of cheek “fuzz” that encases things so that must be doing the job. I’ll keep an ear out though.

Utter Consternation

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Thanks, G. It held the balls in check too. I didn’t start with it there, first I was just dragging everything up with my free hand but with the hammock it allowed for a better “spread” of the area and an all round safer cut.

I haven’t notice any change to the “pitch” of the farts but I only concentrated the “cutting” to the area immediately surrounding the hole itself. There’s still a good bit of cheek “fuzz” that encases things so that must be doing the job. I’ll keep an ear out though.

Does the stubble not rip the arse off you?

EmmetSpiceland

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Does the stubble not rip the arse off you?

I didn’t shave the “ring”. I merely “pruned” back some of the “overgrowth” with a small curved nail scissors.

As I stated previously, there is a, not quite unpleasant, prickly feel whenever I stand up as the cheeks come together.

So far it’s been fine but I am worried about a “sweaty itch” developing. I’m sure I could just “talc” the area after a shower later on.

padd b1975

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Do Wranglers even do a 42” x 28” size in stonewashed bootcut denim? I’d say Paddy is a regular visitor out to Mr Big N’ Tall in Goatstown.

I think they do a Texas Stretch fabric that might do the trick, not sure of available cuts to be honest.
The godforsaken things haven't been remotely fashionable since 1993.

Not that that would stop him.

Bobblehats

padd b1975 wrote: »

I think they do a Texas Stretch fabric that might do the trick, not sure of available cuts to be honest.
The godforsaken things haven't been remotely fashionable since 1993

Pair them with a suede fringed jacket and old cowboy boots, chicks will think you’re the last of the outlaws and before you know it you’re can riding them off into the sunset. Good spur up the hole keeps them perky

Former Observer

Rake of pints last night. Awoken by the throbbing of my cock about 6AM. Was like a rhino horn beneath the sheets forming up into a marquee. Pumped the girlfriend on about forty Argos catalogues there and then. Slight smell of chite in the air which has followed me all day.

I'll go in for a shower now and early night. No eye contact.

Brendan Bendar

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Em, less of the personals there pal. I could barely keep both eyes open I was so full but I still got a look at you and your no oil painting fella.

Very malnourished looking individual. Type of physique that belies a very unhealthy diet. This poster would opine that there's an awful lot of frozen oven-cooked food cooked on Chez Johnny. Fundus crispy pancakes with a side of waffles. Washed down with cheap Eastern European lager.

Greasy shine face on you too. That slick back combover thing isn't working for you either. Much too thin on top to pull it off. Could see the liver spots on your head through my squinted eyes.

As for the dress sense... You're in your late 50s man. Dress appropriately. Drainpipe bottle green chinos, slip on deck shoes and a sports coat is not a good look.

The carpet bombing approach of chatting up and making 'witty' remarks at every bird that walked by isn't a good tactic. Lots of laughter by the birds. At you not with you though.

A tragic character.

Probably wearing a jumper with a lot of pellet holes around the shoulders.

Fcuker moths in his wardrobe go around in wheelchairs, legs can’t carry their weight.

Doctors room ghost

I’m farting like a butchers dog all day.The smell is cruel.if they could be bottled and stored they could definitely be used to carpet bomb some war torn region into submission in the future.
One blast of them and it would be white flags waving all around.
I think one of them got buried in the sponge of my drivers seat earlier.theres a lingering smell that is going to test the new car scented Christmas tree hanging in it.too much pressure applied and didn’t bother to lift left or right so it got blown central straight into the seat.
I dread to think what’s cooking in the turd department when that smell is a byproduct. The next movement will definitely be getting flushed just as she Departs and is still mid air.
There will be no examining the goods.send her septic tank bound asap,toilet duck the jacks and get the fcuk out of there warning the wife and kids to stay clear of that bathroom for about a week.
Lordy

Brendan Bendar

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

I’m farting like a butchers dog all day.The smell is cruel.if they could be bottled and stored they could definitely be used to carpet bomb some war torn region into submission in the future.
One blast of them and it would be white flags waving all around.
I think one of them got buried in the sponge of my drivers seat earlier.theres a lingering smell that is going to test the new car scented Christmas tree hanging in it.too much pressure applied and didn’t bother to lift left or right so it got blown central straight into the seat.
I dread to think what’s cooking in the turd department when that smell is a byproduct. The next movement will definitely be getting flushed just as she Departs and is still mid air.
There will be no examining the goods.send her septic tank bound asap,toilet duck the jacks and get the fcuk out of there warning the wife and kids to stay clear of that bathroom for about a week.
Lordy

It’s too much fresh meat that got you there,pal.

That’s what happens the butchers pup, gets gassed up on the real fresh meat and the fcuker just pumps out brown air and marsh gas all day.

Let the meat sit in the fridge a few days, much ‘calmer’ then and tones down those fetid heavy farts.

You’ll never fully shift that stink off the drivers seat, embedded,bro.

Sell her on

Hector Savage

My arse angels have been singing all morning, but really satisfying farts ... PPPAAAAAAARRRRPPPPPPP ....
You know those ones where you chuckle to yourself afterwards.
No smell of them either, wife was giving out to me tho, said my arse has a trumpet permanently attached ..pppppaaarrrrppp!!!

Hotblack Desiato

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’m still stuck with that late night trip and, I’m telling you now, I could do without it.

Got the opposite problem last 3 mornings, not 5 minutes out of the bed and having to take a dump. Really not what you want when you have a limited time to get ready and out the door, especially when it's the squishy endless wipe type.

As for the car seat - assuming it's only gas which entered it, try Febreze.

Deebles McBeebles

I feel your pain lads. However, I have trained my back end so it now only needs a clear out between 9 and 11 each morning. I find the thrill of doing it during working hours very appealing and it gets me out of bed on the weekends.

EmmetSpiceland

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Got the opposite problem last 3 mornings, not 5 minutes out of the bed and having to take a dump. Really not what you want when you have a limited time to get ready and out the door, especially when it's the squishy endless wipe type.

I’ve been “claiming” my time back in work. Any toilet trip on my own time is taken “in lieu” when I get into work, throughout the day.

It’s only fair.

tgdaly

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’ve been “claiming” my time back in work. Any toilet trip on my own time is taken “in lieu” when I get into work, throughout the day.

It’s only fair.

I think you meant "in loo"

Hotblack Desiato

On our time & attendance system, time off in lieu goes in under the code "TOIL"

I hope it's a bit more relaxing than that for you, Emmet



(Funeral used to go in under code FUN, until they changed it)

Former Observer

Awkward one there. Had about half a pot of Mr Naga smeared on top of a Goodfellah's Deep Pan cheese pizza last night with a few pints, two burgers and two samosas. Hoop feels red hot and there is serious pressure down below (also dovetailing I fear). Head into the jacks at exact same time as a colleague. Quiet, unassuming guy like myself. Both of us into cubicles one beside the other. I should say it was neither of our faults. We kind of got caught sleepwalking, as if the jacks was exerting irresistible force, a slipstream effect so to speak. So I drop my trousers although I've no intention of emptying this bucket of steaming Irish stew into the bowl whilst yer man is next to me and I'm waiting for the sound of his own belt buckle opening or something. But he is just standing in there. Nothing happening, and I reckon we are both deeply aware of one another. I think yer man was waiting for me and I was waiting for him. Issue compounded and new lows reached after we move exit the toilets at the same time, with nothing done, each forgetting even to do a pretend flush. Go through all the motions of washing our hands and using the dryer. Three minutes that felt like an hour. Weird feeling of being found out. That'll be my last time going to the plastic laminate toliets.

Hector Savage

Former Observer wrote: »

Awkward one there. Had about half a pot of Mr Naga smeared on top of a Goodfellah's Deep Pan cheese pizza last night with a few pints, two burgers and two samosas. Hoop feels red hot and there is serious pressure down below (also dovetailing I fear). Head into the jacks at exact same time as a colleague. Quiet, unassuming guy like myself. Both of us into cubicles one beside the other. I should say it was neither of our faults. We kind of got caught sleepwalking, as if the jacks was exerting irresistible force, a slipstream effect so to speak. So I drop my trousers although I've no intention of emptying this bucket of steaming Irish stew into the bowl whilst yer man is next to me and I'm waiting for the sound of his own belt buckle opening or something. But he is just standing in there. Nothing happening, and I reckon we are both deeply aware of one another. I think yer man was waiting for me and I was waiting for him. Issue compounded and new lows reached after we move exit the toilets at the same time, with nothing done, each forgetting even to do a pretend flush. Go through all the motions of washing our hands and using the dryer. Three minutes that felt like an hour. Weird feeling of being found out. That'll be my last time going to the plastic laminate toliets.

Jaysus FO can you imagine if you headed in 10 mins later to see your colleague there again!

Brendan Bendar

Former Observer wrote: »

Awkward one there. Had about half a pot of Mr Naga smeared on top of a Goodfellah's Deep Pan cheese pizza last night with a few pints, two burgers and two samosas. Hoop feels red hot and there is serious pressure down below (also dovetailing I fear). Head into the jacks at exact same time as a colleague. Quiet, unassuming guy like myself. Both of us into cubicles one beside the other. I should say it was neither of our faults. We kind of got caught sleepwalking, as if the jacks was exerting irresistible force, a slipstream effect so to speak. So I drop my trousers although I've no intention of emptying this bucket of steaming Irish stew into the bowl whilst yer man is next to me and I'm waiting for the sound of his own belt buckle opening or something. But he is just standing in there. Nothing happening, and I reckon we are #both deeply aware of one another. I think yer man was waiting for me and I was waiting for him. Issue compounded and new lows reached after we move exit the toilets at the same time, with nothing done, each forgetting even to do a pretend flush. Go through all the motions of washing our hands and using the dryer. Three minutes that felt like an hour. Weird feeling of being found out. That'll be my last time going to the plastic laminate toliets.

I’m afraid you have ‘retention issues’ there Mr F.

Now I’m not a medical doctor, only thing I can impress on you that there’s only one sure way to ‘ clear all this up’ is to go into the stall no matter who is there, or adjacent, or nearby or other, drop the strides, spool up and unload the full barrel even though it may sound like a bucket of mackerel being emptied on a tiled floor.

Cream the lot out, clean the spout, buckle up and exit with your head held high.

Sheep Shagger

Lad in trap beside me earlier was watching a you tube video (or some other streaming service, didnt sound like pornotube) with sound louder than normal - to mask other noises in the vicinity presumably.

Genius.

Boom_Bap

Sheep Shagger wrote: »

Lad in trap beside me earlier was watching a you tube video (or some other streaming service, didnt sound like pornotube) with sound louder than normal - to mask other noises in the vicinity presumably.

Genius.

JohnnyFlash

I'm just back from China where I was on important company business for a few days. The final night of the trade show saw one of our Chinese suppliers bring a bunch of us out to a local restaurant. Now the Chinese love to put on a huge spread, and there was enough food and drink there to bate the band. I'd be an adventurous and unfussy eater, but was a bit wary as the lads were from Shandong, and they had brought us to an eatin' house serving food from that region.

Anyways, I was knocking back the Tsingtao at a savage pace. Sat down at the table, and started tearing into the food that was coming out - all sharing there. Course after course came out. Spotted the century eggs, and avoided them, but the rest looked good, and tasted even better. Ate like a beast of a man - the Chinese lads were cheering me on, and knocking back shots of Scotch along with me. Smoked about 40 fags as well while eating dinner. Great night. Took a few photos of the menu before I stumbled out the door to their round of applause and cheers, and fell into the back of a taxi.

The farts the next morning were absolutely wojus - there was a fent of damp grass and pickled cabbage off them. Had to get a train up to Beijing, and I was glad that it was a high-speed one as I was starting to feel some serious cramps, and have almost a phobia of taking a shíte on a train (after a traumatic experience on a Dublin to Galway train after the All Ireland in 1988). I used the time and the Google translate app to see what was on the menu the night before - tripe in pepper sauce, stir-fried pig's kidneys, nine coiled intestines, duck gizzards in ginger and vinegar etc. However one troubled me - this was 'sweet stew of lower digestive tract of river fish with teeth'. I'd eaten a stew of fish arseholes. Not good.

Unloaded a few very loose and sour loads in Beijing Airport, and thought I'd cleared most of it out. The flight back to Europe though was traumatic, and I spent most of the time we were flying over Russian and the 'Stans perched on the bowl discharging a horrid mixture of water, stomach acid, and damp wind. Cabin crew were very understanding in fairness once I explained that things were very difficult 'down below'.

SirGerryAdams

Wasn't feeling too good yesterday but felt a rumble in anticipation of a later solid deposit. I stood there in my grey joggers and let out a fine blast of septic gas but I had completely miscalculated and an at-the-time unknown amount of scour seaped out. Well I walked to the jacks like a duck and sat down on the seat to survey what damage was done in the apparel department. The jocks had a skim of soilage but the grey pants unaffected. I then blasted the rest of the dung out, leaving the rim of the bowl with patterns ever so similar to a movie scene where someone's head gets blown off. The process was only shortlived with sounds similar to a washing machine draining the last bit of water - mostly liquid/gas mixture. The wipe was surprisingly wet and I could have done with the 4 ply instead of the more frugal 2 ply but from the position I was in 10 minutes earlier, I was happy to escape with just stained briefs.

Utter Consternation

SirGerryAdams wrote: »

Wasn't feeling too good yesterday but felt a rumble in anticipation of a later solid deposit. I stood there in my grey joggers and let out a fine blast of septic gas but I had completely miscalculated and an at-the-time unknown amount of scour seaped out. Well I walked to the jacks like a duck and sat down on the seat to survey what damage was done in the apparel department. The jocks had a skim of soilage but the grey pants unaffected. I then blasted the rest of the dung out, leaving the rim of the bowl with patterns ever so similar to a movie scene where someone's head gets blown off. The process was only shortlived with sounds similar to a washing machine draining the last bit of water - mostly liquid/gas mixture. The wipe was surprisingly wet and I could have done with the 4 ply instead of the more frugal 2 ply but from the position I was in 10 minutes earlier, I was happy to escape with just stained briefs.

Amateur mistake Gerry. One would have thought a man such as yourself with experience in explosive goods would have been better equipped to deal with this occurence.

Brendan Bendar

Serves him right for wearing grey joggers.

Lost count of the time I have observed a sepia coloured, deep seated stain ,the shape the Isle of Wight,in those bad boys as some barrel shape kernt ‘jogged’ by me.

Like somebody ‘walked in’ a 400g can of red kidney beans in to the crotch of them

Disgusting, is all I can say.

gerrybbadd

Made the dire mistake or ordering "tender meatballs in a pink peppercorn and Brandy sauce" for a work lunch today. The meatballs themselves were pink when cut into. I shouldn't have ate one but of course, horsed all 3 of the extra large ones into me.

Pure nauseous now. I've unloaded about 4 pints of liquid, of the foulest smell, into the upstairs Jack's (the one with the best window for aeration purposes.

Herself has just told me I'm an awful colour , kinda looking grey

Voodoomelon

I popped out to the parents house for some dinner, had a visit to the jacks but left an unsightly smear of Galaxy Caramel-looking matter down the inside of the otherwise pristine bowl. Three flushes later and it was still there mocking me.

The bathroom has just been renovated, builders only gone so everything that you'd normally find in the bathroom has been moved out, leaving me with a quandary on my hands. Luckily enough there was some Windowlene perched on the windowsill, so I hit the stain with 20 short blasts of the spray gun and let it soak. 60 seconds later, one flush had the bowl as shiny clean as Richard O'Brien's noggin.

It did cross my mind to not bother and just blame the mother; it would be believed in a heartbeat, but new bathroom and all that...