What's the etiquette here??

Ush1

Horrific night there the other night lads.

Went to be bed as normal but then felt an oul twitch on the purse lips. Now it was 10 at night so most unusual time for needing to pinch off a loaf. So anyway dropped off a couple of largish, hard, almost circular turds and thought it a bit strange but went back into bed.

Almost instantly was hit with crazy stabbing pains in the lower abdomen and nausea! Next thing the sweats were hitting me something fierce and I felt like I was inside a furnace. I knew a serious dose of the trots was on the way as high pitched panic farts squeaked from my trembling balloon knot. The missus started to complain about the smell in the bedroom, no sympathy off the daft bint that's for sure!

First bowel movement then was confusing, quite normal to begin with but then turned to a very viscous and tar like substance. Sticky also, huge amount of paperwork which required extra elbow grease than normal. Almost like it was some sort of gunk that had blocked everything up. The next bowel movement was more to be expected. Shotgun blast, then sludge into pure liquid but the relief of the stabbing pains was immense.

As I lay there shaking and with the sweats I thought of Ireland, of life and...of this thread lads. It brought me back from the brink as I thought to myself I must fight this and live on to tell the lads.

I reckon the cause was some dirty work practices in the work canteen. I've oft noticed the unmotivated Eastern European deli counter wan scratching her hole with the latex gloves on. Be careful out there folks.

Hector Savage

Borderfox wrote: »

Piles of midden plague our motorway network :-)

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/environment/drivers-warned-to-stop-leaving-faeces-along-irish-motorways-1.3974293?mode=amp

Filthy feckin kernts!

EmmetSpiceland

Every user has to join sometime.

Pintman Paddy Losty

Let's not have this great senate of debate, discussion, advice and wisdom descend in to accusations about users join dates.

Welcome Errol, glad to have you on board.

Sharp MZ700

Why is it the airtime of a bag of childpoo seems to go on forever and ever? I'd always empty a half bottle of Club Orange or whatever mineral is handy from the cupholder into the bag ,seems to get a better arc in the throw.

tgdaly

Ush1 wrote: »

Horrific night there the other night lads.

Went to be bed as normal but then felt an oul twitch on the purse lips. Now it was 10 at night so most unusual time for needing to pinch off a loaf. So anyway dropped off a couple of largish, hard, almost circular turds and thought it a bit strange but went back into bed.

Almost instantly was hit with crazy stabbing pains in the lower abdomen and nausea! Next thing the sweats were hitting me something fierce and I felt like I was inside a furnace. I knew a serious dose of the trots was on the way as high pitched panic farts squeaked from my trembling balloon knot. The missus started to complain about the smell in the bedroom, no sympathy off the daft bint that's for sure!

First bowel movement then was confusing, quite normal to begin with but then turned to a very viscous and tar like substance. Sticky also, huge amount of paperwork which required extra elbow grease than normal. Almost like it was some sort of gunk that had blocked everything up. The next bowel movement was more to be expected. Shotgun blast, then sludge into pure liquid but the relief of the stabbing pains was immense.

As I lay there shaking and with the sweats I thought of Ireland, of life and...of this thread lads. It brought me back from the brink as I thought to myself I must fight this and live on to tell the lads.

I reckon the cause was some dirty work practices in the work canteen. I've oft noticed the unmotivated Eastern European deli counter wan scratching her hole with the latex gloves on. Be careful out there folks.

That's a true Irish hero right here. Take a bow good sir

Voodoomelon

I left work yesterday with an hours drive to Belfast airport ahead of me. There were a few light rumblings in the bowels below, but my arse clock was telling me I had at least 90 minutes of time before a full evacuation would be required. So hopped in the car and hit the road.

Thank the lord there was no one in the car with me, I'm after discovering a new phenomenon with the cooled seats, it was 24 degrees out so turned the cooled seat function on. Normally when you lift a cheek to relieve some pressure, the smell doesn't hit you for a good 8-10 seconds. With the cooled seats, the second it squeezes between your buttocks, you smell it in a second flat and potentially with far more potency. My eyes were watering, near put the car in the ditch six times. And to add insult to injury, being the busiest weekend of the year for air travel, the car park was jammed on arrival so ended up all the way down the back. I was goose-stepping for a good 500 metres all the way into the terminal.

I decided to wing it and go through security first, unfortunately for them a short releases were encountered, surprised I didn't set off some contamination alarm. I bundled into a cubicle which was surprisingly nice, full height doors and decent paper and left a sizeable deposit in the Queens throne. Ironically the tacos I had jut afterwards have left me blocked up, typing this from atop a fine piece of Mallorca porcelain. Always interesting to see how the arse behavior changes abroad.

EmmetSpiceland

Voodoomelon wrote: »

typing this from atop a fine piece of Mallorca porcelain. Always interesting to see how the arse behavior changes abroad.

Are we talking a “viewing deck” in that shítter, V? Hope you “papered” down first, if we are.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Are we talking a “viewing deck” in that shítter, V? Hope you “papered” down first, if we are.

Continental perverts. No other explanation for such a bizarre and upsetting shïtter design.

Voodoomelon

One always papers down in a hotel, that's a given. Last thing I want is the rancid leftovers of Stewart from The Cotswolds lamb madras peppered across my cheeks.

No such viewing deck, more of a yank thing in my experience covered God knows how many pages back. Theres a very narrow deposit area all the same in the room's throne, some "in off the post" action has already been observed.

fuerte1976

Voodoomelon wrote: »

"in off the post" action has already been observed.

Ah, ha ha ha!
Excellent

partyguinness

tgdaly wrote: »

That's a true Irish hero right here. Take a bow good sir

Even in his darkest hour he was thinking of others. A hero for old Ireland if ever there was one.

Hector Savage

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Continental perverts. No other explanation for such a bizarre and upsetting shïtter design.

Whats up with that ?
I used a toilet in Holland once, wtf were they thinking with that design ?

First you shit then you vomit ???

Aglomerado

partyguinness wrote: »

Even in his darkest hour he was thinking of others. A hero for old Ireland if ever there was one.

He deserves the highest honour that this thread community may bestow...
...The Purple Fart.

Brendan Bendar

Few amateurs popping up here, very welcome...but.

Never trust the arse clock, if any indication of a ‘pot roast’ in the oven, you blow the lot out- now.
Bad things happen when you try to ride the clutch, sometimes very bad.

Take a lesson from the aviation industry....trust the forecast conditions.

Plan for holding time and possible diversion plus 25%

Like what happened me when I misjudged the trip to the upstairs latrines in the Stephens G Center, had knotty lad crowning, but……… forgot it was All Ireland semi final day with Kerry playing… bogs jammed and the bang of stale porther and black pudding was coming at me like a wave, every stall locked and active.


Barely made it to a laneway where I plastered a wall with gouts of overripe midden.

Luckily it was Sunday, not too many around.

Threw a copy of the Sunday Business Post over the load and exited the era rapidly.

partyguinness

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Few amateurs popping up here, very welcome...but.

Never trust the arse clock, if any indication of a ‘pot roast’ in the oven, you blow the lot out- now.
Bad things happen when you try to ride the clutch, sometimes very bad.

Take a lesson from the aviation industry....trust the forecast conditions.

Plan for holding time and possible diversion plus 25%

Like what happened me when I misjudged the trip to the upstairs latrines in the Stephens G Center, had knotty lad crowning, but……… forgot it was All Ireland semi final day with Kerry playing… bogs jammed and the bang of stale porther and black pudding was coming at me like a wave, every stall locked and active.


Barely made it to a laneway where I plastered a wall with gouts of overripe midden.

Luckily it was Sunday, not too many around.

Threw a copy of the Sunday Business Post over the load and exited the era rapidly.

TBH...that was fairly amateurish performance by yourself there if you don't mind me saying so.

Brendan Bendar

partyguinness wrote: »

TBH...that was fairly amateurish performance by yourself there if you don't mind me saying so.

Entitled to your opinion there horse.

Could you expand a bit on your theory lad.

partyguinness

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Entitled to your opinion there horse.

Could you expand a bit on your theory lad.

No need.

Brendan Bendar

partyguinness wrote: »

No need.

Good man, you have nothing to fear, unload.

I’m a lad who can take it.

Have a swing, if it’s a hit I won’t have a problem.

Wind up and let her go man.......:D

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Good man, you have nothing to fear, unload.

I’m a lad who can take it.

Have a swing, if it’s a hit I won’t have a problem.

Wind up and let her go man.......:D

No offence, Brenner, but I’d suggest what he is trying to say is your a decrepit old drunk with a perished hoop. Could be wrong though.

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

No offence, Brenner, but I’d suggest what he is trying to say is your a decrepit old drunk with a perished hoop. Could be wrong though.

Are you suggesting that he’s no “stranger” to the darkened alleyways of the city, J?

I do hope you can back up that “accusation” because, if untrue, it’s downright scurrilous. But, on the whole, not surprising.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

No offence, Brenner, but I’d suggest what he is trying to say is your a decrepit old drunk with a perished hoop. Could be wrong though.

Quite the opposite John, unlike yourself, sleeping in a piss-sodden settle bed with a fawn duffle coat for a duvet and shambling out to the ‘outhouse’ at 0630 to discharge a streel of loose scutther.

Roger Hassenforder

partyguinness wrote: »

No need.

In fairness, you cant just insult one of the more mature members' modus operandi, without a constructive critique

Poor chap isnt far of the bag, the gasket is well and truly perished. I know that doesnt diminsh his responsibilities.

Brendan Bendar

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

In fairness, you cant just insult one of the more mature members' modus operandi, without a constructive critique

Poor chap isnt far of the bag, the gasket is well and truly perished. I know that doesnt diminsh his responsibilities.

Gasket tight as a moles eye Roger, one way street, could pipe the icing on your next Xmas cake lad, if you like a nice sepia colour, just give me four days notice and I’ll get going on the hot and spicy Bombay Mix and the orange juice and Karpackie 8:6.

I could add a few bags of Trail Mix if you like a nutty flavor.?

EmmetSpiceland

Gentlemen, and ladies, advice, please. I have an “engagement” later this afternoon. It’ll be a long day of drinking and general enjoyment.

But, here’s my problem, I haven’t been able to “unload” so far this morning. I’ve been “letting off” some really bad gas. Real acidic bouquet, even though I hadn’t eaten anything vinegary. Really bad.

Yesterday was a long day so I had to “make do” with a pot Koka Noddle, chicken flavoured, for dinner. Very late. Obviously, this hasn’t sat well at all. My fear is that I’ll be at this party later and will have to use the single toilet, and destroy it.

So far, I’ve made three trips to the “throne room” but all I’ve done is farted, loudly, into the bowl. The acoustics of the pot really amplifying the blasts.

I’ve eaten a banana, orange, apple, a handful of strawberries, a bowl of rice crispies and a fried egg sandwich. Nothing “moving” so far.

So, my question to all you, “learned”, folk here is: is there anything more I can be doing to achieve a full “evacuation” before late afternoon?

I’ll go back for another “try” now but I really don’t hold out much hope.

No time wasters, please.

Roger Hassenforder

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Gentlemen, and ladies, advice, please. I have an “engagement” later this afternoon. It’ll be a long day of drinking and general enjoyment.

But, here’s my problem, I haven’t been able to “unload” so far this morning. I’ve been “letting off” some really bad gas. Real acidic bouquet, even though I hadn’t eaten anything vinegary. Really bad.

Yesterday was a long day so I had to “make do” with a pot Koka Noddle, chicken flavoured, for dinner. Very late. Obviously, this hasn’t sat well at all. My fear is that I’ll be at this party later and will have to use the single toilet, and destroy it.

So far, I’ve made three trips to the “throne room” but all I’ve done is farted, loudly, into the bowl. The acoustics of the pot really amplifying the blasts.

I’ve eaten a banana, orange, apple, a handful of strawberries, a bowl of rice crispies and a fried egg sandwich. Nothing “moving” so far.

So, my question to all you, “learned”, folk here is: is there anything more I can be doing to achieve a full “evacuation” before late afternoon?

I’ll go back for another “try” now but I really don’t hold out much hope.

No time wasters, please.

Pears.
3 no.

fuerte1976

A large cup of prune juice or a basket of grapes. Mind you, you'll have period pains from the grapes and the mother load will be preceeded by even worse toxic outbursts.

Enjoy your event!

wing52

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Gentlemen, and ladies, advice, please. I have an “engagement” later this afternoon. It’ll be a long day of drinking and general enjoyment.

But, here’s my problem, I haven’t been able to “unload” so far this morning. I’ve been “letting off” some really bad gas. Real acidic bouquet, even though I hadn’t eaten anything vinegary. Really bad.

Yesterday was a long day so I had to “make do” with a pot Koka Noddle, chicken flavoured, for dinner. Very late. Obviously, this hasn’t sat well at all. My fear is that I’ll be at this party later and will have to use the single toilet, and destroy it.

So far, I’ve made three trips to the “throne room” but all I’ve done is farted, loudly, into the bowl. The acoustics of the pot really amplifying the blasts.

I’ve eaten a banana, orange, apple, a handful of strawberries, a bowl of rice crispies and a fried egg sandwich. Nothing “moving” so far.

So, my question to all you, “learned”, folk here is: is there anything more I can be doing to achieve a full “evacuation” before late afternoon?

I’ll go back for another “try” now but I really don’t hold out much hope.

No time wasters, please.

Lie down on you're left side. Then bring the right knee up to you're chest, good and close.

Give it 45 minutes, you'll blow the trumpet plenty while this is going on.

If all is well with the sewer system, a fine "pat of perfection" should be unleashed!

Hope all goes well with the meeting.

EmmetSpiceland

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Pears.
3 no.

Thanks, R. Not sure if I’ll have time for doing a shop “run”, no pears in the house.

No fresh ones anyway. There’s a tin of them in the press. I’m not really a fan, very “syrupy”, but I’ll give them a go if you think they’ll help.

My fear, really, is timing. This all has to be “wrapped up” before, say, 2pm.

Sharp MZ700

If this engagement was in somebody's house I'd be holding onto it Emmet. Open the hatches in the "good" bathroom and lay the healthiest length of midden you're ever likely to lay and forget to open any windows or turn on any lights lest there be an extractor fan in situ and ruining your good work.
Vacate the Jax and cause a ruckus with the homeowner saying some sad Kant has wrecked the toilet bowl and the stench would knock a horse. Can go wrong if you open yourself to suspicion but if you play it right it makes for a great game of Spot the Phantom Shìtter.
If the event is in a public venue it's not half the fun but I find subconsciously I shìt better in third party toilets if Im hanging to to a crowdpleaser.