What's the etiquette here??

Tikki Wang Wang

Any good home remedies for the piles ? Have used the usual prep H ones but they’re useless. I did apply Vick’s and it took the itch away and I think there was shrinkage but it left me with a burnt hole.

Roger Hassenforder

Tikki Wang Wang wrote: »

Any good home remedies for the piles ? Have used the usual prep H ones but they’re useless. I did apply Vick’s and it took the itch away and I think there was shrinkage but it left me with a burnt hole.

Deep Heat?

Hector Savage

Stuck in a meeting now and can feel a twitching and turtles head pushing below ....

Deebles McBeebles

Hector Savage wrote: »

Stuck in a meeting now and can feel a twitching and turtles head pushing below ....

Slowly take a biscotti off the table and use it as a plug.

Aglomerado

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Slowly take a biscotti off the table and use it as a plug.

Arsebiscuits!

JohnnyFlash

Look at your phone, stand up, and announce that ‘it’s a call from the crèche’, before marching out of the room with a concerned look on your face. You can use that excuse for pretty much everything actually.

Roger Hassenforder

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Look at your phone, stand up, and announce that ‘it’s a call from the crèche’, before marching out of the room with a concerned look on your face. You can use that excuse for pretty much everything actually.

Double bonus, chicks be weak for man striding confidently out of a meeting, concerned for his kids. Wont even notice the bead of sweat or clenched cheek.

gerrybbadd

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Double bonus, chicks be weak for man striding confidently out of a meeting, concerned for his kids. Wont even notice the bead of sweat or clenched cheek.

The clenched cheeks could be a good thing in that kinda situation.

"Tight aul arse on that" she'd be thinking. The bean flicked off herself later

Hector Savage

Thanks for the advice lads, was a logged in meeting, at my desk, other participants in other offices, turned out to be well and truly capped, sometime it's psychological when you feel trapped, didn't go till about 15 mins after the meeting.

Pretty standard movements lately in my case.

Roger Hassenforder

gerrybbadd wrote: »

The clenched cheeks could be a good thing in that kinda situation.

"Tight aul arse on that" she'd be thinking. The bean flicked off herself later

Sliding off the seat, poor girl.

Hector Savage

Nothing worse than when you deposit a load of sticky arse sludge and you just know by the feel of it that it will take forever to wipe.
It's karma in reverse as this morning I dropped a load and one wipe and it was spotless.

Paid for it there by wiping 100 times a ****ty permanent marker ... and even still , ill need to change the jocks and shower well later ....

gerrybbadd

Hector Savage wrote: »

Nothing worse than when you deposit a load of sticky arse sludge and you just know by the feel of it that it will take forever to wipe.
It's karma in reverse as this morning I dropped a load and one wipe and it was spotless.

Paid for it there by wiping 100 times a ****ty permanent marker ... and even still , ill need to change the jocks and shower well later ....

I'd agree. Nothing worse than the anal lips "kissing" at the fabric of the jocks, leaving the brown pucker marks.

I'd reccomend baby wipes when you find yourself with permanent marker arse

Brendan Bendar

Boil wash is your only man, if you have worked in stains on your Sloggies.

I had a bad experience wearing a white unit at a ‘group discussion’ for a big job back in the day.

She looked like a 300 pounder had walked a cargo of beef liver into the fcukers.

Considered tossing them into the ‘clothes bank’ but gave them a good boil and while there is still a ‘shadow’ in the ‘biffers bridge’ area, they are still nice and snug and hold the ballbag nicely balanced without any ‘drag’.

Wouldn’t wear them on a night out, but fine for 18 holes of golf.

Absorb the drittle and ball soup very well.

Expensive fcukers but worth it, in this posters opinion.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Boil wash is your only man, if you have worked in stains on your Sloggies.

I had a bad experience wearing a white unit at a ‘group discussion’ for a big job back in the day.

She looked like a 300 pounder had walked a cargo of beef liver into the fcukers.

Considered tossing them into the ‘clothes bank’ but gave them a good boil and while there is still a ‘shadow’ in the ‘biffers bridge’ area, they are still nice and snug and hold the ballbag nicely balanced without any ‘drag’.

Wouldn’t wear them on a night out, but fine for 18 holes of golf.

Absorb the drittle and ball soup very well.

Expensive fcukers but worth it, in this posters opinion.

You strike me as the sort of man who buys his ‘briefs’ in packs of seven in the sales in Guineys.

Nevin Parsnipp

Aglomerado wrote: »

Code brown, surely?
Some offices I've worked in should have had the harp symbol outside changed to a biohazard one.
It was a rare day when I could go to the toilet at work and not encounter a fetid log stewing in a bowl of oxtail soup, a miasma of clerical officers' lower colon or the sound of a flock of ducks emanating from behind a thin door.
Sometimes all three.
And in the midst of this, someone brushing their teeth at the sinks with the brush they had left permanently on a shelf in there....

That was somebody's toothbrush ? I thought it was for cleaning dog sh1te from the cleats of my runners ?

OOOps !

mfceiling

Lads anyone have any idea how long it takes to reset the arse clock after holidays.

Came back from Italy very early on Sunday morning and I'm like the bargains in aldi...All over the shop.

11 o'clock last night and it was like my world was falling out of me. 6 o'clock this morning and I'm on the throne again. Panic stations are starting to set in.

On a side note even with the copius amounts of pizza, pasta, ice cream and beer my tail gate never missed a beat on holidays. Added to the fact that I spent ages in the pool I'd say the whole hole region is as clean as a whistle.

Voodoomelon

^^

There can be all manner of positives from being away in a hot climate, stuffing ones face with endless carbs. I find myself in a perpetual state of dehydration as i'm a bollox for not drinking water, but it makes the stools firm and composed, like nuclear submarines at full dive, heading for the depths. You know that depth charge noise? Bloooooooop! Like a snooker ball being dropped down the pan.

I made a rookie mistake last night though, had two very large slices of brown bread and three poached eggs an hour before bed. There was some serious emissions on the way to work this morning, plenty of advanced warning to not start any in-depth work before a visit to the throne. I knew what was coming; a blast of melted Lion bar hit the back of the pan and slid to the waterline. One of those stand up, turn around and stare moments, "that is a disgraceful mess". You feel like a kid all over again.

I'm a team player though, had that porcelain shining like a new penny when I was done, with an Ocean Fresh scent from the toilet duck. Shame about the rancid smell lingering in the air...

IIGeminiII

Had thirteen pints of Guinness last night and a bottle of red wine when I got home. Perky as hell this morning, no hangover, in early for work, but was wandering around in a distressed state during the night through the apartment, arguing with my girlfriend in between pinching out little slimy light brown eels into a children's potty (don't ask).

Woke up at 4.30 with the purse lips stretching and yawning like some sultry woman with mauve lipstick in a 90s softcore movie blowing smoke rings. Haunched myself over the potty and shat out a putrid mud stream of thick black fudge. Absolutely rank, gooey stinky fondant right up to the rim. Was going to pick it up and empty it in the sink, but was still fairly wasted so thought it best to leave it be till the morning lest I spill the whole lot on her kilim rug. Fell asleep and forgot about the whole thing. In the morning she had gone off to work and just stepped around the plastic potty of blobby black bowel vomit beside the bed. No text about it or anything during the day. Knocked it out of the park at work myself.

thelostboys23

Had a third party etiquette issue last week. The wife is on maternity and I got home from work early Wednesday. Herself was upstairs as the baby was having a small nap so I went about my business downstairs.

Popped into the latrine and was met with a stench in the nostrils that shocked me. Was prepared to let things go but Friday exact same thing. Surely etiquette determines I'm given some sort of a heads up before I enter. Even a small 'I'd give that a few mins' would be appreciated.

The unexpected exposure gives a panic sensation and it took a while to shake off the smell if I'm honest.

Anyways she thinks I'm proper weird now as spent the weekend announcing I'm using the bathroom soon, just so everyone was on the same level.

Hector Savage

IIGeminiII wrote: »

Had thirteen pints of Guinness last night and a bottle of red wine when I got home. Perky as hell this morning, no hangover, in early for work, but was wandering around in a distressed state during the night through the apartment, arguing with my girlfriend in between pinching out little slimy light brown eels into a children's potty (don't ask).

Woke up at 4.30 with the purse lips stretching and yawning like some sultry woman with mauve lipstick in a 90s softcore movie blowing smoke rings. Haunched myself over the potty and shat out a putrid mud stream of thick black fudge. Absolutely rank, gooey stinky fondant right up to the rim. Was going to pick it up and empty it in the sink, but was still fairly wasted so thought it best to leave it be till the morning lest I spill the whole lot on her kilim rug. Fell asleep and forgot about the whole thing. In the morning she had gone off to work and just stepped around the plastic potty of blobby black bowel vomit beside the bed. No text about it or anything during the day. Knocked it out of the park at work myself.

Now, I know you said "don't ask" ... but I HAVE to ask ! - why the hell weren't you using a proper toilet ?

You were crapping in a potty and left it in the room ???? jesus the stink must have been overpowering, like vomit immediately overpowering, imagine that fetid heap of midden festering in the open air.

partyguinness

Hector Savage wrote: »

Now, I know you said "don't ask" ... but I HAVE to ask ! - why the hell weren't you using a proper toilet ?

You were crapping in a potty and left it in the room ???? jesus the stink must have been overpowering, like vomit immediately overpowering, imagine that fetid heap of midden festering in the open air.

There is a lot to be said for using a potty. By all accounts the high knee/squat position is most conducive for stretching out the colon for a thorough evacuation.

IIGeminiII

Hector Savage wrote: »

You were crapping in a potty and left it in the room ???? jesus the stink must have been overpowering, like vomit immediately overpowering, imagine that fetid heap of midden festering in the open air.

I was drunk Hector, and there's been an issue with our toilet for the last couple of weeks. Continental plumbers aren't like our fine folk back home. Very relaxed. A simple fix can take several visits.

Very warm weather here too. We had the air conditioning on but I'd say the potty was a nest of insect larvae by the time I chucked it in the sink. You know the way some human waste has a sort of warm, almost chocolatey familiarity? Well this was of the other kind. Pungent, corrosive, fishy, a little bit bleachy. A kind of angry, obnoxious smell that hung around in the air at least until I'd gotten back from work yesterday evening.

sligojoek

In the sink?

I hope you took the dishes out first.

Hector Savage

Christ!

In the sink!!!

EmmetSpiceland

thelostboys23 wrote: »

Had a third party etiquette issue last week. The wife is on maternity and I got home from work early Wednesday. Herself was upstairs as the baby was having a small nap so I went about my business downstairs.

Popped into the latrine and was met with a stench in the nostrils that shocked me. Was prepared to let things go but Friday exact same thing. Surely etiquette determines I'm given some sort of a heads up before I enter. Even a small 'I'd give that a few mins' would be appreciated.

The unexpected exposure gives a panic sensation and it took a while to shake off the smell if I'm honest.

Anyways she thinks I'm proper weird now as spent the weekend announcing I'm using the bathroom soon, just so everyone was on the same level.

How far along is she? Regardless of your answer I would advise that you keep your mouth shut, unless you want to an “emotional” earful.

Slip a book of matches into the fob pocket of your trousers. This will help with the over-powering “pong” of pregnancy dumps.

It’s far less hassle and you really need to pick your “battles” during these times.

Congratulations, by the way.

thelostboys23

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

How far along is she? Regardless of your answer I would advise that you keep your mouth shut, unless you want to an “emotional” earful.

Slip a book of matches into the fob pocket of your trousers. This will help with the over-powering “pong” of pregnancy dumps.

It’s far less hassle and you really need to pick your “battles” during these times.

Congratulations, by the way.

Sound advice I was clever enough to keep quiet and suffer in silence like us men always do.

Hector Savage

I still can't get over that chiteing in a potty, leaving it for hours exposed to the air ... and dumping it down the SINK!
I mean, you know the chite will get stuck in the sinks U bend, it will always stink !!!!

Do you chite in the shower as well and just mash the chite down the drain with your foot.... sure why not like!!! ????

quick rinse of the feet in the shower and then grand shure!!!

IIGeminiII

Hector Savage wrote: »

I still can't get over that chiteing in a potty, leaving it for hours exposed to the air ... and dumping it down the SINK

Easy to judge, but what do you suggest mate?! I've another nest of blobby black sewage brewing as we speak so if you've any good ideas please let me know.

Bullocks

IIGeminiII wrote: »

Hector Savage wrote: »

I still can't get over that chiteing in a potty, leaving it for hours exposed to the air ... and dumping it down the SINK

Easy to judge, but what do you suggest mate?! I've another nest of blobby black sewage brewing as we speak so if you've any good ideas please let me know.

Try and wash it down someone elses sink so it doesnt poison your own place . Keep a coat hanger handy aswell

gerrybbadd

Shyte into a plastic carrier bag and launch it high, high into the branches of the nearest tree. For all to admire.