What's the etiquette here??

PicardWithHair

Hal3000 wrote: »

I would considered myself a conservative poster here. I drop in and out (pardon pun) of this thread and have made it well known my strong opinions on the vulgarness of sharing stalls. Well, an experience tonight has destroyed me. I’ve been somewhat hoisted by my own petard !

We had a small gathering at my house tonight. Nothing snazzy, just a casual light meal with drinks. My wife’s friend’s husband attended. I’ve never met the guy before and being honest he’s a like-able enough chap. Articulate, well dressed, and a decent conversationalists. That being said, I’ll most likely avoid ever being in his company again. In anticipation of my guests arriving I decided to lay out a small spread of peanuts on our table in the dining room. Just a few dry roasted fashioned in an Ikea bowl nothing special. I didn’t think anyone would bother eating them, I can’t remember even buying them and I hate dry roasted myself, but it was an opportunity to offload them and free up much needed press space. Anyway, for the sake of this chaps dignity, I’ll refer to my wife’s friend’s husband as MR X. So, MR X, caught sight of the nuts early doors and squirreled into them. I didn’t think anything of it until I went into my own toilet later and saw two them still buoyantly floating about in my toilet bowl. I could barely get back down the stairs to face the group after the experience of seeing them. Thank god the night was being wrapped up and I didn’t have to make any further small talk. Is it me or is this just the most revolting experience ever ? I feel violated. In my own home of all places.

Is it possible for them to move through the guts that quickly though ?

JohnnyFlash

PicardWithHair wrote: »

Is it possible for them to move through the guts that quickly though ?

Plums, pears, prunes, and doner kebabs - yes. Nuts, grains, pulses, and legumes? Highly unlikely.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Unlikely, but maybe that guy was sticking that half inch of peacan up and down his ring lips for sexual pleasure and it fell out?

EmmetSpiceland

Well he obviously came “pre-loaded” with peanuts, ate yours and then left his own “bobbing” up and down in your bowl.

It’s downright insulting!

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Well he obviously came “pre-loaded” with peanuts, ate yours and then left his own “bobbing” up and down in your bowl.

It’s downright insulting!

Kind of thing some jackeen car salesman would get up to. And then rob your beer from the fridge.

Hal3000

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Kind of thing some jackeen car salesman would get up to. And then rob your beer from the fridge.

I’ll find out what he does in the morning. Wife is asleep now. I don’t know if it’s just Sunday night fear but I’ve a horrible feeling she may have been involved. The numbers and the digestive science just don’t add up for it to be him.

Padraig Mor

Hal3000 wrote: »

I’ll find out what he does in the morning. Wife is asleep now. I don’t know if it’s just Sunday night fear but I’ve a horrible feeling she may have been involved. The numbers and the digestive science just don’t add up for it to be him.

As a qualified biological boffin I reckon your guest was innocent of the crime - and you should indeed be looking closer to home..........

Deebles McBeebles

New pet name for the missus, Hal.....my lil' peanut.

Portlawslim

Hal3000 wrote: »

I’ll find out what he does in the morning. Wife is asleep now. I don’t know if it’s just Sunday night fear but I’ve a horrible feeling she may have been involved. The numbers and the digestive science just don’t add up for it to be him.

Hal be gentle with her, she may be the culprit but there could be mitigating circumstances here, maybe in her haste to return to your soirée she may not have checked her deposits?
Maybe a stern talking to and reduction in her weekly stipend should be punishment enough.

Chin up, we're all here for you.

Hal3000

Portlawslim wrote: »

Hal be gentle with her, she may be the culprit but there could be mitigating circumstances here, maybe in her haste to return to your soirée she may not have checked her deposits?
Maybe a stern talking to and reduction in her weekly stipend should be punishment enough.

Chin up, we're all here for you.

The plot thickens. Apparently my wife didn’t consume any nuts.... that evening.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

And the evening before? We have a three day window here Hal. You need to be more forthcoming with information. When was the packet opened? Do you usually have nuts in your home? How often does your wife eat your nuts?

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

As an aside: How often do you lads flick pieces of dried mucus around the place in work. I'm always leaving crumbs on top of filing cabinets, desks, carpets, bathroom sinks, the cubicle floor etc.

Bullocks

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

As an aside: How often do you lads flick pieces of dried mucus around the place in work. I'm always leaving crumbs on top of filing cabinets, desks, carpets, bathroom sinks, the cubicle floor etc.

Are you talking about snots Sally? I work with some right knuckle draggers and don't think even them lads would be at that carry on....

EmmetSpiceland

Bullocks wrote: »

Are you talking about snots Sally? I work with some right knuckle draggers and don't think even them lads would be at that carry on....

You get loads of “smeared” on the cubicle walls. It’s disgusting. The cleaners won’t “tackle” it either.

It’s on the bottom of the door too, from “flickers”. There’s toilet roll right there ffs!!

The variety is an another disgusting “factor”. Dry ones, wet ones, blob ones, ones with blood, ones with hair...it’s just disgusting.

A definite breach of toilet etiquette.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Ah yeah, but rules are made to be broken lads. Love to leave a few balls of snot on one or two worktops every day. Sometimes when I pass by that way again I'll check to see if the little guy is still there, or whether he got stuck to someone's wad of paper, or files, or whether it might have affixed itself to someone's clothes.

Bullocks

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Ah yeah, but rules are made to be broken lads. Love to leave a few balls of snot on one or two worktops every day. Sometimes when I pass by that way again I'll check to see if the little guy is still there, or whether he got stuck to someone's wad of paper, or files, or whether it might have affixed itself to someone's clothes.

Sally you have issues. Serious issues!

EmmetSpiceland

Bullocks wrote: »

Sally you have issues. Serious issues!

I know, right?!

But, I’ll admit it, I did laugh at the idea of him going back to check if his nose “droppings” are still on the cabinets etc.

Sharp MZ700

Going back to Hal's dilemma there I'm curious to know whether the missus had actually eaten peanuts in the preceding few days.
I've often ravaged a half kilo of Manhattan Salted and I'd be blocked up solid for a while at least. Im talking courier services here, three to five working days. The only good way to clear it is a raft of beer, which is likely what happened here.
Was there much beer? How loud was the party music? High footfall in the orificial office? I'd be gunning for such an opportunity, especially if some other goofy kernt could take the fall.

Has to be the wife, has to.

Roger Hassenforder

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Ah yeah, but rules are made to be broken lads. Love to leave a few balls of snot on one or two worktops every day. Sometimes when I pass by that way again I'll check to see if the little guy is still there, or whether he got stuck to someone's wad of paper, or files, or whether it might have affixed itself to someone's clothes.

You're a sick fcuk.
But i had to laugh at that.

Remind me of this chap:


https://mobile.twitter.com/****eSport/status/1167352370923220993?s=09

pinkyeye

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

You're a sick fcuk.
But i had to laugh at that.

Remind me of this chap:


https://mobile.twitter.com/****eSport/status/1167352370923220993?s=09

Link doesn't work??

Deebles McBeebles

A horrific incident to report today, folks. A serious breach of etiquette.

So, I got home early Sunday morning after a full day of football and alcohol. Alarmingly little food was had so I bought 3 sandwiches (all chicken and stuffing, for some reason) from the shop on the way home to quell the inevitable hangover. Got in the door and immmediately demolished the sandwiches. Not satisfied, I decided to down a share bag of peanuts and a full pack of chocolate Hob-Nobs.

The hangover was non-existent the next day, slightly tired but no headache or stomach trouble. No sign of outward flow at all though. Yesterday, the same again. As I went to bed last night, I prayed I would wake up ready to evacuate and all would be well again.

This morning, to my delight, the food compactor decided it was time to get back to my daily office ritual. I strode in, a man on a mission, as if I was the God Of Porcelain (presumably such a God's name would be Detritius) and I was ready to lay waste (literally) on anything that got in my way.

I washed the seat with hand soap because I'm not trusting a cleaner to keep me free of whatever the rest of these dirty c*nts might have. Sat down and eased into it. I was hesitant because I was not sure how much damage the nuts and oats might do on their trek to the bowl.

I then heard what no man wants to hear in this situation, a colleague joining me in the 2nd and only other cublicle......for a piss. 3 urinals just sat there, empty, while this oaf proceeded to piss on the seat, floor, etc mere inches form my good self. Thankfully it was over quickly and he exited with a cursory washing of his hands. F*cking pig.

As I got back to the business at hand, another colleague entered. The sound of his steps told me immediately that this was a man in trouble, perhaps even more than myself. So when he entered the 2nd cubicle and sat (without cleaning the seat), I gave hime the benefit of the doubt. "He had no time to go across to the other jacks" I thought to myself.

As he sat and discovered the yellow liquid he had missed on his first glance, a slight squelch, as if you had dropped an orange from a 2nd storey window... just take that in.

Then, the true horror. Ignoring his plight, he began to drop loads of what I can only assume were snooker balls in plastic bags. I feared for the throne for a second. They do good work but this was beyond the call of duty. I sat there, unable to go due to pure disgust, as he showed his workings all over the bowl. He finished and at least managed to wash his hands properly before leaving. A shower and a change of clothes will be needed this evening of course but at least his hands were clean.

Two serious breaches in the space of 5 minutes left me reeling. However, the show must go on and I am happy to say there was no issue whatsoever other than the logs being bigger than usual. I feel I may need to try curing my next hangover in the same manner, just to be scientifically accurate but you may take it as read, for now, that I have found the cure for hangovers as well as any liquidy emissions one might experience in the midst of such a hangover.

TL/DR hangover cure found but still no solution to the 2 cubicle problem.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Marvellous

JohnnyFlash

You ain’t drinking enough if you don’t have a hangover the next morning.

Deebles McBeebles

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You ain’t drinking enough if you don’t have a hangover the next morning.

Maybe you suffer from old age, J. Although I would usually agree with you. I downed enough to drop one of those old chaps who's sat at a bar drinking Guinness non-stop for 20 years. So I must disagree, it had to be the cure.

Slideways

I fear Deebs that Auld Johnny might be full of shyte. Knew another lad with the same initials once.

The type of woofter that would be pouring his pints into the potted plants in the bar as he steadily feel behind in the rounds. Truth be told, 2 bottles of Coors light and he would be slobbering at the bar like a Labrador ina butchers shop. A hopeless case. I reckon our own JF might be of the same cloth nowadays. A shadow of the once mighty stout swallower of his youth.

Sad really

Roger Hassenforder

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

A horrific incident to report today, folks. A serious breach of etiquette.

So, I got home early Sunday morning after a full day of football and alcohol. Alarmingly little food was had so I bought 3 sandwiches (all chicken and stuffing, for some reason) from the shop on the way home to quell the inevitable hangover. Got in the door and immmediately demolished the sandwiches. Not satisfied, I decided to down a share bag of peanuts and a full pack of chocolate Hob-Nobs.

The hangover was non-existent the next day, slightly tired but no headache or stomach trouble. No sign of outward flow at all though. Yesterday, the same again. As I went to bed last night, I prayed I would wake up ready to evacuate and all would be well again.

This morning, to my delight, the food compactor decided it was time to get back to my daily office ritual. I strode in, a man on a mission, as if I was the God Of Porcelain (presumably such a God's name would be Detritius) and I was ready to lay waste (literally) on anything that got in my way.

I washed the seat with hand soap because I'm not trusting a cleaner to keep me free of whatever the rest of these dirty c*nts might have. Sat down and eased into it. I was hesitant because I was not sure how much damage the nuts and oats might do on their trek to the bowl.

I then heard what no man wants to hear in this situation, a colleague joining me in the 2nd and only other cublicle......for a piss. 3 urinals just sat there, empty, while this oaf proceeded to piss on the seat, floor, etc mere inches form my good self. Thankfully it was over quickly and he exited with a cursory washing of his hands. F*cking pig.

As I got back to the business at hand, another colleague entered. The sound of his steps told me immediately that this was a man in trouble, perhaps even more than myself. So when he entered the 2nd cubicle and sat (without cleaning the seat), I gave hime the benefit of the doubt. "He had no time to go across to the other jacks" I thought to myself.

As he sat and discovered the yellow liquid he had missed on his first glance, a slight squelch, as if you had dropped an orange from a 2nd storey window... just take that in.

Then, the true horror. Ignoring his plight, he began to drop loads of what I can only assume were snooker balls in plastic bags. I feared for the throne for a second. They do good work but this was beyond the call of duty. I sat there, unable to go due to pure disgust, as he showed his workings all over the bowl. He finished and at least managed to wash his hands properly before leaving. A shower and a change of clothes will be needed this evening of course but at least his hands were clean.

Two serious breaches in the space of 5 minutes left me reeling. However, the show must go on and I am happy to say there was no issue whatsoever other than the logs being bigger than usual. I feel I may need to try curing my next hangover in the same manner, just to be scientifically accurate but you may take it as read, for now, that I have found the cure for hangovers as well as any liquidy emissions one might experience in the midst of such a hangover.

TL/DR hangover cure found but still no solution to the 2 cubicle problem.

Serious training deficiencies in that workplace.
I'd be on to HR, and taking some certified time off until the company can provide you a safe place of work.
There should be a training record of people being instructed to wash their hands. Maybe a toolbox talk would suffice. But that first depositor's behaviour was an outrage.

gerrybbadd

Deebles, thank you so much for sharing your harrowing story with us, and i'm so sorry that you had to go through this alone.

You did the right thing sharing with us. It's the first step towards healing.

I've had similar experiences in the past, and truth be told, i'm not entirely sure i've ever fully recovered from them.

gerrybbadd

Slideways wrote: »

I fear Deebs that Auld Johnny might be full of shyte. Knew another lad with the same initials once.

The type of woofter that would be pouring his pints into the potted plants in the bar as he steadily feel behind in the rounds. Truth be told, 2 bottles of Coors light and he would be slobbering at the bar like a Labrador ina butchers shop. A hopeless case. I reckon our own JF might be of the same cloth nowadays. A shadow of the once mighty stout swallower of his youth.

Sad really

An awful accusation.

Didn't Deebles just literally confirm he had left off King Kong's finger earlier? If anything, he's bereft of shyte

gerrybbadd

I'm after experiencing my own horror there just now.

Went into the jacks for round 3, and when i got as far as Trap 1, some fúcking neanderthal bog man was after walking away without flushing his fat otter. The kernt.

So into trap 2. Having a fine ole time, when there's a knock on the door. This means the cleaner is here. So I confirm I am present, and Fúcking Margo, with the wind bet face just in for the day off the islands after a morning footing turf and making bales, still comes in to the bathroom to start into the cleaning. Giving it Óró Sé Do Bheatha 'Bhaile and the whole lot so she was.

Zbigniew is away in Poland for a few weeks and even he wouldn't come in when someone confirmed their prescence.

I didn't look back myself, but Margo, I sincelry hope there were a few skids left for ya

Hotblack Desiato

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

and I've a gamey auld one that I've struck up a casual 'I'm around' sort of relationship with.

Jaysus Johnny, hope you remembered to wrap up the roll of white pudding before engaging the enemy.