Struggling with 12 year old daughter

Ruby31

I'm so fed up with my daughter. She's defiant in every aspect of her life, but school holidays just bring things to a head.

She goes from bed, to couch, back to bed. Teeth not brushed most mornings & nights, no showers, not bothering to meet friends, but would rather sit watching crap on tv.

I have a younger child who's in camps this week & next. I cannot get my daughter out of bed without a massive row, so I've been leaving her in bed while I drop & collect him. Then afternoons are a bundle of fun. She thinks she owns the tv, so there's endless rows between her & her brother over what to watch. Weather's supposed to be good today, so I'll bring him off to a playground, but sure that just suits her down to the ground.

I don't do her clothes-washing anymore (cue abuse from her when she can't find anything clean to wear), I don't clean her room & it is a TIP.

I find I don't enjoy her company at all anymore, infact, I resent when she's around. She really knows how to push my buttons and it seems it's become her aim in life to just wreck my head as much as she can.

She tells me she loves me all the time. In anger, I've told her if she loves me, then I'd hate to see how she'd treat someone she dislikes.

I've tried to suss out how other parents with kids of similar age are coping, but there doesn't seem to be any major issues! Maybe they're lying??!

I'm at the end of my tether. My husband is fed up of her too and we're already discussing what to do with her over the summer holidays. We've decided not to go on a holiday this year as she ruined our trip abroad last year with her strops. So the plan is to send her to the gaeltacht. I know she will hit the roof though!

Anyone else going through similar??

Tell me how

Sounds like you view her as and expect her to behave as an adult.
She's still a child and will be for 4 more years.

I suspect what you've said here, in terms of enjoying her company you've also said or indicated to her and that must be difficult for her.

She may be entering puberty and needs support and advice, not admonishing.

Also, I do not think it is normal for any 12 year old in a loving house to have to take care of washing their own clothes.

lainey_d_123

This post made me really sad. Reminded me of the way my parents used to treat me, as if I were the worst person in the world because I didn't live up to their idea of what I was supposed to be like.

It sounds like she's depressed with the no showers and sitting around all day. I'd be looking into that and seeing if there's any way of getting her to a therapist, maybe.

lawred2

Tell me how wrote: »

Sounds like you view get as and expect her to behave as an adult.
She's still a child and will be for 4 more years.

I suspect what you've said here, in terms of enjoying her company you've also said or indicated to her and that must be difficult for her.

She may be entering puberty and needs support and advice, not admonishing.

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

This post made me really sad. Reminded me of the way my parents used to treat me, as if I were the worst person in the world because I didn't live up to their idea of what I was supposed to be like.

It sounds like she's depressed with the no showers and sitting around all day. I'd be looking into that and seeing if there's any way of getting her to a therapist, maybe.

Judgmental much!?

One thing I'd say OP is that banishing her the Gaeltacht is probably a bit much. And while you might get a few weeks 'peace' you'll spend the entire time upset and feeling guilty.

She's still young and teenage years are horrible for children. I was a complete asshat as a teenager. I'm sure my parents had similar thoughts to you at times. You'll need compassion, resolve and patience. Puberty is just as much a time for children rejecting parents as parents consequently rejecting their children..

I'd tone down on the denigration mind you. They won't serve any purpose.

Hopefully things will get better for all of you in time.

Tell me how

lawred2 wrote: »

Judgmental much!?

Oh, I'm sorry for having an opinion on something that someone posted on a public discussion board asking for an opinion on....

pc7

Could you try reach out to her, get your hubby to take son out. Sit down and tell her you miss her, what can you do to help, that you don't like fighting all the time. Maybe go do something together one on one? It does sound like she's struggling too, the not washing and that. Does she have many friends? Has this just started since she started secondary school (is she in first year?), is she nervous about starting? Maybe just try have a heart to heart. Its a tough age.

lawred2

OSI wrote: »

Any chance she's being bullied?

Actually yeah - hadn't even thought of that angle.

Loveinapril

Wow, you really are having such a difficult time with her at the moment. Adolescence is kind of like toddlerhood in relation to development. They revert back to testing boundaries and pushing buttons. She probably doesn't even realise how she is impacting the whole house. Could you ask her to meet with you at a certain time/ day, without the other kids around and have an "adult" to adult chat. You could even do this while 'helping' her clean her room. You can make a dent in the mess together so it is not as daunting to her and then she can have the responsibility to maintain it. Just explain that you notice you are not getting on as well recently, she doesn't seem to be happy etc. Use examples of how she is not going out, keeping herself clean etc. Ask is there anything you can do to help. Try not to get into blaming her or giving out but come at it from the perspective of caring about her wellbeing and your relationship. Try let her do lots of the talking, coming up with solutions in how to stop the rows. Don't be afraid to say you don't know what to do or apologise for shouting at times. But you will have to agree on certain rules so try to get her to collaborate things like sharing the TV, on a cut off point in the day where she must be showered/ dressed by, etc. She is going through a lot regarding biological changes and brain development, not to mention hormonally. Have you thought about seeking outside help for yourself, your husband and your daughter? It may do no harm to meet with a child psychologist to get more of an insight into how best respond to her behaviours while still being able to have a positive relationship.

Sittingpretty

Ruby31 wrote: »

I'm so fed up with my daughter. She's defiant in every aspect of her life, but school holidays just bring things to a head.

She goes from bed, to couch, back to bed. Teeth not brushed most mornings & nights, no showers, not bothering to meet friends, but would rather sit watching crap on tv.

I have a younger child who's in camps this week & next. I cannot get my daughter out of bed without a massive row, so I've been leaving her in bed while I drop & collect him. Then afternoons are a bundle of fun. She thinks she owns the tv, so there's endless rows between her & her brother over what to watch. Weather's supposed to be good today, so I'll bring him off to a playground, but sure that just suits her down to the ground.

I don't do her clothes-washing anymore (cue abuse from her when she can't find anything clean to wear), I don't clean her room & it is a TIP.

I find I don't enjoy her company at all anymore, infact, I resent when she's around. She really knows how to push my buttons and it seems it's become her aim in life to just wreck my head as much as she can.

She tells me she loves me all the time. In anger, I've told her if she loves me, then I'd hate to see how she'd treat someone she dislikes.

I've tried to suss out how other parents with kids of similar age are coping, but there doesn't seem to be any major issues! Maybe they're lying??!

I'm at the end of my tether. My husband is fed up of her too and we're already discussing what to do with her over the summer holidays. We've decided not to go on a holiday this year as she ruined our trip abroad last year with her strops. So the plan is to send her to the gaeltacht. I know she will hit the roof though!

Anyone else going through similar??

Who is in control here? You or her?

She does what she wants because you let her from what you’ve posted here anyways. It sounds like you would both benefit from some ground rules maybe.

Why is she not wanting to meet up with her friends? That’s a bit of a red flag for me esp over Easter hols I’d have thought most 12 year olds would want to spend as much time as possible with their friends. I’d suggest maybe trying to open the lines of communication with her to establish if there is a reason for her disinterest in participating with friends or in keeping herself clean etc. its vital that you as parents keep taking to her and let her know you are both there for her so she feels supported. The TV is yours, presumably you pay the bills so switch it off.

You might have to try bribery to keep the room clean, that’s fairly standard for a pre teen

I also have to agree on the clothes washing, I wouldn’t expect a 12 year old to maintain their own laundry. I would give her some responsibility and jobs around the house that being said.

For instance when I was 12, I cleaned the bathroom and hoovered the house on a weekly basis and as I liked to cook I made basic dinners for everyone maybe twice a week. I got pocket money at the weekends when my jobs were done.

lainey_d_123

lawred2 wrote: »

Judgmental much!?

One thing I'd say OP is that banishing her the Gaeltacht is probably a bit much. And while you might get a few weeks 'peace' you'll spend the entire time upset and feeling guilty.

She's still young and teenage years are horrible for children. I was a complete asshat as a teenager. I'm sure my parents had similar thoughts to you at times. You'll need compassion, resolve and patience. Puberty is just as much a time for children rejecting parents as parents consequently rejecting their children..

I'd tone down on the denigration mind you. They won't serve any purpose.

Hopefully things will get better for all of you in time.

How is it judgemental? Sounds like the girl is having a bad time. Maybe being bullied, maybe depressed. And her own mother doesn't like her and doesn't want to be around her. That can create a cycle. You feel worthless and horrible, so act out even more, etc.

Wheety

12 years old is a bit young to have responsibility of washing all her own clothes. Could you not tell her, only things in the laundry basket will be cleaned?

Can you do anything with her? Cinema maybe? Or watch a movie at home with her?

Is there anything she wants to do over the summer rather than sending her to somewhere you know she'll hate?

Tell me how

OSI wrote: »

I know countless children that do/did their own laundry at that age. It's an invaluable life skill.

Of course it is, everyone has to learn somehow.

Being able to do it and having to do it are two different things though aren't they.

OP, I think that she’s looking for help. I’d take her to her GP and take it from there.

Bicycle

It does sound as if your daughter is suffering from depression or some form of emotional trauma.

I've been there done that with teenagers and with teenagers with depression. Stroppy is normal. Argumentative is normal. But the lack of personal care is a big alarm signal.

She is telling you she loves you but you are pushing her away and putting conditions on your love for her. Parental love should be unconditional love.

You are further pushing her away/punishing her by sending her to the Gaeltacht.

It will be difficult but you need, somehow, to get her to talk to someone non-judgemental outside the family whom she can trust.

My Mind are a chain of qualified and good counselling services who are competitively priced and will talk to children. They also take self-referrals. Jigsaw is another adolescent mental health service that is free. But there are waiting lists.

Depression is another illness, just like cluster headaches or asthma or anything else. Its not something you can just sweep under the carpet. And its not something to be ashamed of.

Henry Ford III

Limit the tv

lawred2

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

How is it judgemental? Sounds like the girl is having a bad time. Maybe being bullied, maybe depressed. And her own mother doesn't like her and doesn't want to be around her. That can create a cycle. You feel worthless and horrible, so act out even more, etc.

Why didn't you say that then rather than the unhelpful

Reminded me of the way my parents used to treat me, as if I were the worst person in the world because I didn't live up to their idea of what I was supposed to be like.

Wabbit Ears

The kid needs help and mommy needs to step up her game here.

Help her clean her room, Yes she should clean her room but she needs positive re-enforcement not tough love.
Wash her clothes and make sure she has clean clothes to encourage her to actually get dressed. Buy some new ones.
Stop being pissed off at her. Shes a kid. Kids need to feel loved and your frustration DOESNT HELP. So snap out of that and be the grownup here instead of both of you having a strop.
Give her a hug, Lie in bed with her for a while, Take the time to be there for her, even if she tries to push you away.

The kid is depressed. Bring her to a GP as she may need medication to help her get through this.

Or, you know, think shes just being a moody brat and get angry with her so she takes the only tragic route out she feels is available.

lainey_d_123

lawred2 wrote: »

Why didn't you say that then rather than the unhelpful

Because that's coming from the perspective of a child whose parent is writing things like this. The dislike of the child is palpable. I'm not saying that being around a kid like this isn't draining and difficult, but there doesn't seem to be much or any attempt to think about the 'why' behind her actions/behaviour.

Ruby31

Thanks so much for all the replies. I'll try to answer as many of the questions as I can.

I used to clean her room. I used to wash her clothes. I brought her for a check-up to the GP & had bloods done. I spoke with 3 child & adolescent councelling clinics, so she's on waiting lists for each of them.

I suffered from depression from age 9 when my parents moved me to another school - it was closer to our house, no other reasons. I'm very aware of what it is to be depressed.

I stopped doing her washing, etc when I was being told on a regular basis by her that it was MY job. I tried to help her clean her room when she seemed exasperated by the amount of work involved. She then sat down & started leafing through a book, leaving me to do everything!

I call (BEG!) her time after time to PLEASE get out of bed and we'll go and do X,Y and Z - this included a trip to Dundrum to buy new clothes. She yells at me that she'll get up in FIVE minutes. When I try to calmly wake her again, I get told to shut up and go away!!

I should've said, the lack of hygiene has only come about since school broke up last Friday. She is usually on the ball with the teeth-brushing, hair-washing, etc and this has resulted in my husband being late for work and my son being late for school as she'll still be preening herself 10 minutes after they should've left.

Her current teacher and all of her previous teachers gave glowing reports about her.

She does an activity that costs a lot of money, but I thought it was worth keeping her in it as it was the one thing that got her up and out the door without a fuss - 2 of her friends from our road are also in this activity. No issues there whatsoever. After a few almighty temper-tantrums (stuff was damaged!), we pulled her from that activity. She was so upset. When she realised we weren't messing around, her behaviour improved! Eventually, we decided to let her go back to the activity and like a switch, her behaviour reverted back to 'normal' - strops, tantrums, etc.

It's difficult to cover everything in a post, but I always tell her I love her too. I've spoken extensively to her during quiet times about how funny & witty she is and how it upsets me when we're not getting on. I ask her does she not prefer when we get on well. I always start the conversation with 'you are so clever/smart, etc....' before I give out about anything. I absolutely mean it too. She's such a bright child, that I can't get my head around why she thinks it's better to carry on as she is. I remind her time and again that she gets so much more by way of treats - cinema trips, new clothes, etc when her behaviour is good. It just doesn't seem to hit home with her.

Believe me, I've tried to limit the TV, but you try to physically move a 12 year old out of a room when she outright refuses. If I could lock the door, I would! Her phone is taken off her at 9pm every evening. I take her to the library regularly to stock up on books to read once the phone is gone.

I should also have said that this behaviour is going on since she was approx. 10. She doesn't have her periods yet, so I don't think hormones are entirely to blame.

I know I shouldn't have, but I read a few pages she'd written in a notebook recently. Just a few bits about what she'd done that day. I read it because I was trying to find out if there was anything up with her. It was all really funny with plenty of 'LOL's' and waffling about mundane, tween stuff. Nothing sinister whatsoever. I honestly don't think she's depressed.

Sittingpretty

Ruby31 wrote: »

Thanks so much for all the replies. I'll try to answer as many of the questions as I can.

I used to clean her room. I used to wash her clothes. I brought her for a check-up to the GP & had bloods done. I spoke with 3 child & adolescent councelling clinics, so she's on waiting lists for each of them.

I suffered from depression from age 9 when my parents moved me to another school - it was closer to our house, no other reasons. I'm very aware of what it is to be depressed.

I stopped doing her washing, etc when I was being told on a regular basis by her that it was MY job. I tried to help her clean her room when she seemed exasperated by the amount of work involved. She then sat down & started leafing through a book, leaving me to do everything!

I call (BEG!) her time after time to PLEASE get out of bed and we'll go and do X,Y and Z - this included a trip to Dundrum to buy new clothes. She yells at me that she'll get up in FIVE minutes. When I try to calmly wake her again, I get told to shut up and go away!!

I should've said, the lack of hygiene has only come about since school broke up last Friday. She is usually on the ball with the teeth-brushing, hair-washing, etc and this has resulted in my husband being late for work and my son being late for school as she'll still be preening herself 10 minutes after they should've left.

Her current teacher and all of her previous teachers gave glowing reports about her.

She does an activity that costs a lot of money, but I thought it was worth keeping her in it as it was the one thing that got her up and out the door without a fuss - 2 of her friends from our road are also in this activity. No issues there whatsoever. After a few almighty temper-tantrums (stuff was damaged!), we pulled her from that activity. She was so upset. When she realised we weren't messing around, her behaviour improved! Eventually, we decided to let her go back to the activity and like a switch, her behaviour reverted back to 'normal' - strops, tantrums, etc.

It's difficult to cover everything in a post, but I always tell her I love her too. I've spoken extensively to her during quiet times about how funny & witty she is and how it upsets me when we're not getting on. I ask her does she not prefer when we get on well. I always start the conversation with 'you are so clever/smart, etc....' before I give out about anything. I absolutely mean it too. She's such a bright child, that I can't get my head around why she thinks it's better to carry on as she is. I remind her time and again that she gets so much more by way of treats - cinema trips, new clothes, etc when her behaviour is good. It just doesn't seem to hit home with her.

Believe me, I've tried to limit the TV, but you try to physically move a 12 year old out of a room when she outright refuses. If I could lock the door, I would! Her phone is taken off her at 9pm every evening. I take her to the library regularly to stock up on books to read once the phone is gone.

I should also have said that this behaviour is going on since she was approx. 10. She doesn't have her periods yet, so I don't think hormones are entirely to blame.

I know I shouldn't have, but I read a few pages she'd written in a notebook recently. Just a few bits about what she'd done that day. I read it because I was trying to find out if there was anything up with her. It was all really funny with plenty of 'LOL's' and waffling about mundane, tween stuff. Nothing sinister whatsoever. I honestly don't think she's depressed.

That is all very exasperating for you

Within your whole post though you’ve answered your own question, “her behaviour improved when she knew we were serious”. If it is that there isn’t something wrong and she’s just a normal pre teen then she’s playing you like a fiddle.

A 12 year old with access to (presumably) a smartphone until 9pm?!? Really? 7 pm absolute latest and if I had to take the plug off the TV I would. From what you’ve described above I’d imagine once you take control, once she knows you are (both) absolutely serious while still being loving caring parents, you should see a change in behaviour especially if you’ve already explored all the other routes advised in this thread.

I wish you luck, it’s not easy dealing with pre teens

Wheety

Well never let her know you've read her notebook.

devlinio

Ruby31 wrote: »

Thanks so much for all the replies. I'll try to answer as many of the questions as I can.

I used to clean her room. I used to wash her clothes. I brought her for a check-up to the GP & had bloods done. I spoke with 3 child & adolescent councelling clinics, so she's on waiting lists for each of them.

I suffered from depression from age 9 when my parents moved me to another school - it was closer to our house, no other reasons. I'm very aware of what it is to be depressed.

I stopped doing her washing, etc when I was being told on a regular basis by her that it was MY job. I tried to help her clean her room when she seemed exasperated by the amount of work involved. She then sat down & started leafing through a book, leaving me to do everything!

I call (BEG!) her time after time to PLEASE get out of bed and we'll go and do X,Y and Z - this included a trip to Dundrum to buy new clothes. She yells at me that she'll get up in FIVE minutes. When I try to calmly wake her again, I get told to shut up and go away!!

I should've said, the lack of hygiene has only come about since school broke up last Friday. She is usually on the ball with the teeth-brushing, hair-washing, etc and this has resulted in my husband being late for work and my son being late for school as she'll still be preening herself 10 minutes after they should've left.

Her current teacher and all of her previous teachers gave glowing reports about her.

She does an activity that costs a lot of money, but I thought it was worth keeping her in it as it was the one thing that got her up and out the door without a fuss - 2 of her friends from our road are also in this activity. No issues there whatsoever. After a few almighty temper-tantrums (stuff was damaged!), we pulled her from that activity. She was so upset. When she realised we weren't messing around, her behaviour improved! Eventually, we decided to let her go back to the activity and like a switch, her behaviour reverted back to 'normal' - strops, tantrums, etc.

It's difficult to cover everything in a post, but I always tell her I love her too. I've spoken extensively to her during quiet times about how funny & witty she is and how it upsets me when we're not getting on. I ask her does she not prefer when we get on well. I always start the conversation with 'you are so clever/smart, etc....' before I give out about anything. I absolutely mean it too. She's such a bright child, that I can't get my head around why she thinks it's better to carry on as she is. I remind her time and again that she gets so much more by way of treats - cinema trips, new clothes, etc when her behaviour is good. It just doesn't seem to hit home with her.

Believe me, I've tried to limit the TV, but you try to physically move a 12 year old out of a room when she outright refuses. If I could lock the door, I would! Her phone is taken off her at 9pm every evening. I take her to the library regularly to stock up on books to read once the phone is gone.

I should also have said that this behaviour is going on since she was approx. 10. She doesn't have her periods yet, so I don't think hormones are entirely to blame.

I know I shouldn't have, but I read a few pages she'd written in a notebook recently. Just a few bits about what she'd done that day. I read it because I was trying to find out if there was anything up with her. It was all really funny with plenty of 'LOL's' and waffling about mundane, tween stuff. Nothing sinister whatsoever. I honestly don't think she's depressed.

You're her mother so it IS your job though. At 12 it certainly isn't her job. Cop on
Mod warning
Please do not attack other posters

ct5amr2ig1nfhp

devlinio wrote: »

You're her mother so it IS your job though. At 12 it certainly isn't her job. Cop on.

What utter rubbish. I don't want to side track the thread but our six year old helps with the laundry every week sorting, matching, folding etc (amongst other jobs like tidying rooms, toys etc). Has been helping since she was four years old. We give her pocket money after she helps. She's delighted. She mostly saves up for larger items but she also buys herself a magazine (no matter how silly they are) every few weeks.
The younger child is getting in on it now, as he wants his magazine too. They usually end up sharing the jobs and the pocket money.
In terms of tidying her room and toys etc, what's not tidied goes on the bin. Haven't had to dump any clothes or toys in a while.

I hope it continues as she grows up and into her teens. Time will tell I guess.

I cannot give you any advise OP as my kids have reached that age yet. Best of luck with the counseling services, I hope they can give you help or at least some advice.

canonball5

OP, I think you need to cop on and look at yourself here. She's fecking 12, she's a child, you're her mother. You seem to be very tough on her and maybe spending a little time with her even watching TV would be good for her. Barking orders at her clearly isn't working.

lainey_d_123

Roberto Numerous Viewpoint wrote: »

What utter rubbish. I don't want to side track the thread but our six year old helps with the laundry every week sorting, matching, folding etc (amongst other jobs like tidying rooms, toys etc). Has been helping since she was four years old. We give her pocket money after she helps. She's delighted. She mostly saves up for larger items but she also buys herself a magazine (no matter how silly they are) every few weeks.
The younger child is getting in on it now, as he wants his magazine too. They usually end up sharing the jobs and the pocket money.
In terms of tidying her room and toys etc, what's not tidied goes on the bin. Haven't had to dump any clothes or toys in a while.

I hope it continues as she grows up and into her teens. Time will tell I guess.

I cannot give you any advise OP as my kids have reached that age yet. Best of luck with the counseling services, I hope they can give you help or at least some advice.

That poster is right, though. It IS her job. I grew up with parents who made me feel like basic caregiving things like clothes washing, cooking and grocery shopping were favours. They're not. You have kids, you look after them. When it gets to 15/16, grand, you can expect them to be doing most things for themselves, but 12 is still very young. Plenty of 12-year-olds and younger kids would be capable of doing their own washing and be happy to do it, especially if they find it fun, but I definitely don't think it can be expected at that age. Is she being sent to school in dirty clothes?

devlinio

Roberto Numerous Viewpoint wrote: »

What utter rubbish. I don't want to side track the thread but our six year old helps with the laundry every week sorting, matching, folding etc (amongst other jobs like tidying rooms, toys etc). Has been helping since she was four years old. We give her pocket money after she helps. She's delighted. She mostly saves up for larger items but she also buys herself a magazine (no matter how silly they are) every few weeks.
The younger child is getting in on it now, as he wants his magazine too. They usually end up sharing the jobs and the pocket money.
In terms of tidying her room and toys etc, what's not tidied goes on the bin. Haven't had to dump any clothes or toys in a while.

I hope it continues as she grows up and into her teens. Time will tell I guess.

I cannot give you any advise OP as my kids have reached that age yet. Best of luck with the counseling services, I hope they can give you help or at least some advice.

So if she doesn't wash her clothes, she should have dirty clothes? I don't think so. At 12, it's her parent's responsibility. If they help, that's fantastic. But if they don't, you don't leave them to their own devices.

SusieBlue

I can see it from both sides being honest.
OP you seem to be exasperated and understandably at the end of your tether. Your child seems to be crying out for attention and probably feels hard done by. Some of it is definitely down to her age and hormones.

I think you need to have a meeting with your daughter and husband and outline to her how her behaviour is upsetting you.
Then give her a chance to speak, to air her grievances, and draw a line under it. Work out a plan, between the 3 of ye, with fair compromises that will suit everyone.

For example, tell her you'll leave her sleep in till 10:30am and won't disturb her, but then she MUST get up, wash and get dressed.
That way, she doesn't have you nagging her all morning & can enjoy her lie in, and you have a clean, dressed daughter come 10:30am.
If she doesn't follow through with her end of the bargain, then her phone is gone for the day. And you must stick to it, there must be consequences for her actions.

Have a set of tasks for her to complete each day, whether it be hoovering, emptying the dishwasher etc. and give her a time you need these completed by. If you give her a time of say 2pm, she has 3 and a half hours from the time she gets up to complete them.
Again, if she doesn't do them, no phone.
She'll still feel like she has a bit of control and it'll be on her terms, but the jobs will still get done. Win win.

I remember when I was her age I used to love when my parents and siblings left me home alone.
When you take your son to the park, tell her you hope she enjoys the hour of peace and quiet in front of the tv with a nice cup of tea, but when ye come back, the tv is your sons for at least an hour. Follow through and if she doesn't agree to it, again, phone gone.

She absolutely should be cleaning her room but I do think you should do her washing.
The problem is that in some ways you are treating her like an adult (making her do her own washing) and in others, you are treating her like a child (nagging her to get up when she wants a lie in - most teenagers are glued to the bed).

You need to find a happy medium where she has personal responsibility and some choices, but ultimately, you will be in control. Right now the way things are, its all muddled up and it must be very confusing for her and very frustrating for you.
Hopefully you can come up with a plan that leads you to a more harmonious household.

tretorn

Why are you making her get up out of bed, can you not let her sleep on while you drop the younger child off.

She is on holidays and she needs to rest.

She sounds very depressed, its not normal for this age group not to want to be out with their friends, it is normal though for them to sleep until midday and then head out.

Its so sad to read that she tells you she loves you, why dont you say you love her back. You must know she is miserable and you need to talk to her and find out why. Have you spoken to her year head in school, they may be able to point you in the right direction for help and they will be able to tell you what shes like in school.

I wouldnt send her away from home for three weeks when she is in this frame of mind especially if she doesnt want to go.

shamrock55

Your gonna have to include her in everything you do, don't push her away further, for god sake wash her clothes and get her to help you tidy her room and make it a bit of a bonding session, ask her what she'd like to do or go for the day, most important thing is to be her friend she's only a child afterall

Ruby31

tretorn wrote: »

Why are you making her get up out of bed, can you not let her sleep on while you drop the younger child off.

She is on holidays and she needs to rest.

She sounds very depressed, its not normal for this age group not to want to be out with their friends, it is normal though for them to sleep until midday and then head out.

Its so sad to read that she tells you she loves you, why dont you say you love her back. You must know she is miserable and you need to talk to her and find out why. Have you spoken to her year head in school, they may be able to point you in the right direction for help and they will be able to tell you what shes like in school.

I wouldnt send her away from home for three weeks when she is in this frame of mind especially if she doesnt want to go.

With respect, you mustn't have read my follow-up post.

I didn't go near her until 10.30am. I agree that children this age need plenty of sleep. The problem is when it comes to bedtime, she's not tired at all. She could still be awake by 1 or 2am. It's the knock-on from sleeping in way too late.

Ruby31

shamrock55 wrote: »

Your gonna have to include her in everything you do, don't push her away further, for god sake wash her clothes and get her to help you tidy her room and make it a bit of a bonding session, ask her what she'd like to do or go for the day, most important thing is to be her friend she's only a child afterall

I did say that I used to do her washing no problem at all. Her only job was to hang her clean clothes up in her wardrobe. I would leave them hanging over the banister outside her bedroom. She started just plucking clean clothes to wear off the banister & didn't hang them up at all. So then I hung them on the back of her chair in her bedroom. Same thing, just picking clothes to wear. They'd end up falling on the floor & get mixed-up with dirty clothes as she'd just fling them on the floor instead of in her wash basket which is IN her room! This is where the conflict arose! I told her I wasn't sifting through to find what was clean and what was dirty, so I made her do it and she yelled abuse at me & the whole disrespectful 'this is YOUR job' rant. I wanted her to understand the work that's involved, so she might have some appreciation.