What to do with malicious ex girlfriend

Ducky00

Hello there

I have a great boyfriend who is kind, no bull**** and treats and looks after me so well. I am looking for advice on how to deal with his ex-girlfriend from 3/4 years ago.

He was straight with me from the beginning about her and what she has been like since he broke up with her and how she has been trying to get at him and hurt him in different ways. They were dating since they were both 17/18 for about 3 years. He tried breaking up with her many times way back then but everytime she threatened to harm herself and manipulated and guilted him into staying with him.

Recently however she has kicked things up a notch. She has impersonated my boyfriend and a few of his friends online (one of these friends had had her first baby a few weeks before) to abuse people, old and new friends online. She started texting one of my boyfriends oldest and best friends very sexual texts (who was in a relationship, they broke up because of her) for whatever reason, whether it was t break them up to upset my boyfriend or just to annoy him. and this is only the tip of the recent iceberg. Oh and the ex girlfriend did all this while she was in new relationship of her own!

I know some will say break up with him (I have no intention of doing this) I am of the viewpoint that someone's past is just that, THEIR past and has nothing to do with me or for me to judge (unless that person is a criminal but that's a different topic!) but I am now being caught up in his past. Others will say go to the Guards but I'm afraid the current proof we have his going to be just thought of as 'he said-she said'.

I just need some advice on how to deal with her going forward and how to bring this to the Guards if it gets worse.

zapper55

Why do you have to do anything? Why isn't he being proactive about it if its bothering him, and contacting the guards if needs be? And anyway if she's not impersonating you then you wouldn't be in a position to make a complaint.

LegacyUser

What she's doing is crazy. She's trying to hurt and sabotage things for your boyfriend and some of her ways are covert directing her energy at his friends. You, yourself going to the gaurds won't do anything because you haven't been targeted. It will have to be your boyfriend doing that job. I hope he kept everything as evidence.

Next, all of his friends who has been targeted - get as many people as possible to go to the gaurds, each and every one of them make separate reports to the gaurds. Get them all to report her so that the gaurds will start building up a good, big fat file on her. They may not take one person reporting her seriously so if there's a string of people reporting her, they may act. What she's doing is harassment. Impersonating is also against the law.

It might be no harm to see a solicitor too. Maybe before a trip to the gaurds. Just to see what exactly this is. Maybe a solicitor might be able to draw up a letter for your boyfriend to give into the gaurds when he's reporting the ex. A letter detailing the harassment, the area of laws being broken and it's criminal. Just in case gaurds try and fob him off. He can produce the letter then. I don't know what kind of solicitor. Maybe civil or criminal.

spaceHopper

Make you social media private only visible to friends and not friends of friends. If she contacts you or him block her number / account and just keep doing it. Eventually she'll grow up and stop.

The guy she was messaging must have been replying that's what got him in trouble - he should have blocked her.

Loveinapril

Ducky00 wrote: »

has nothing to do with me.

Yep, it has nothing to do with you. You really aren't being "caught up" in anything here. If you choose to get involved, you are adding to the drama.

This is beween your boyfriend and his ex. If he wants to ignore it, let him, if he wants to report it, let him

leggo

How I’d deal with it if I was your boyfriend:

One social media post saying that someone (don’t name names) is going around impersonating me and, if you receive messages from anyone but this account or my number, it’s not me.

It’s a bit juicy so it’s likely that everyone that matters will see it and know. Then block her into oblivion and make all profiles private and not searchable. It’s never been easier than it is today to disappear from someone online.

Ducky00

spaceHopper wrote: »

Make you social media private only visible to friends and not friends of friends. If she contacts you or him block her number / account and just keep doing it. Eventually she'll grow up and stop.

The guy she was messaging must have been replying that's what got him in trouble - he should have blocked her.

Yes all thats done. However she keeps creating new profiles on facebook in her own name, there's about 20 now for whatever reason and it's near impossible to keep them blocked. Still doing all this years after. I dont see her growing up anytime soon.

Yes his friend was stupid for replying but that's on him.

Ducky00

zapper55 wrote: »

Why do you have to do anything? Why isn't he being proactive about it if its bothering him, and contacting the guards if needs be? And anyway if she's not impersonating you then you wouldn't be in a position to make a complaint.

He's tried all he can and unfortunately is apprehensive to bring this to the guards because that'll lead to a possible court case and he can't afford that. He's also so sick of if and knows her enough to know she'd absolutely love it and the attention she'd end up getting from him because of that.

Ducky00

Loveinapril wrote: »

Yep, it has nothing to do with you. You really aren't being "caught up" in anything here. If you choose to get involved, you are adding to the drama.

This is beween your boyfriend and his ex. If he wants to ignore it, let him, if he wants to report it, let him

She's tried contacting me online recently. But even though she'd see me now and then because of where she works she hasn't tried to speak to me in person if she has anything important to say?

Ducky00

leggo wrote: »

How I’d deal with it if I was your boyfriend:

One social media post saying that someone (don’t name names) is going around impersonating me and, if you receive messages from anyone but this account or my number, it’s not me.

It’s a bit juicy so it’s likely that everyone that matters will see it and know. Then block her into oblivion and make all profiles private and not searchable. It’s never been easier than it is today to disappear from someone online.

That's true but the amount of profiles she has online in het name with nothing on them but wr know it's her because her family are friends on some of the pages. But again can't really do anything major about that because the gaurds will just say that it's not strong enough proof to get anything done

miamee

Ducky00 wrote: »

He's tried all he can and unfortunately is apprehensive to bring this to the guards because that'll lead to a possible court case and he can't afford that. He's also so sick of if and knows her enough to know she'd absolutely love it and the attention she'd end up getting from him because of that.

Going to the Gardaí doesn't automatically mean an expensive court case. If he reports her for harassing him and the Gardaí can see his proof, they may call to her to have a word with her about it. It doesn't mean she'll be charged with anything, it doesn't mean she'll be in court or go to jail but it might, as my dad would say, 'put a halt to her gallop' i.e. give her a dose of cop on.

.......

Get off social media.

Tell your friend group that if they are contacted by you or him on social media to report the contact to the Guards as its not either of you.

qwerty13

Is there not an option on FB to prevent anyone except friends from posting? i.e. lock down your profiles from public viewing.

Stephen Gawking

I had a similar experience to yourself OP; i was in a relationship in the early noughties, she was very controlling but i was young & immature; she was older & more experienced. The relationship ended badly which culminated in the worst night of my life. She physically assaulted me, i suffered quite a few injuries but the mental part was worse. She then called the gards & said i was being violent to her.

Gards arrived, didn't matter i was cut, bruised & had torn clothing i was told to leave the house but not arrested. I was in an utter state of shock. This all transpired in the early hours of the morning. I left & just walked in a daze, she rang me & begged for forgiveness, tears, saying come home we can work it out. I didn't. I mustered up the courage to see it through.

Then the real nightmare began. All my so called friends at the time heard her version of events & believed her. I lost all my 'friends,' i had to go to work the next day which i did. I got a call to say i had a visitor at reception. It was herself & her father! She shouted & roared that i was a woman beater & that she wasn't afraid anymore etc. Again, total lies but i was terrified. Imagine my surprise when i got my P45 the same day.

I ended up having to move back to my parents home for a while. She started ringing my mobile incessantly, my parents house phone (no. Was in the book), bombarded with emails. Thankfully social media was in its infancy compared to now but even my email account was spammed. I don't know how i didn't have a nervous breakdown but i know i came close. I ended up having to work nights as a security guard as biĺls had to be paid. I ended up in hospital not long after due to a workplace accident & guess who's in A&E with her mother? Yes, the ex. Hell ensued. As i was wearing a uniform of a well known security company they got bombarded with calls saying i was a woman beater so i lost that job too.

I eventually went to the gards; they were absolutely beyond useless & one of them even said when i was giving a statement that if i wanted to confess something in relation to domestic abuse then it'd go better for me. His colleague said i should have just hit her a slap or 2. Couldn't believe what i was hearing. I just got up & left. When social media began to take off, Myspace, Bebo, fb etc really began takkng off several years later i began to get friend requests from her all declined & blocked.

It took 9 years after we split before i stopped hearing from her. I've rebuilt my life. I'm married to a wonderful woman who made life worth living, we have to great kids, own our own home & are doing well. OP, the best thing you can do is be good to yourself, treat yourself well & most importantly live well. In the short term you should suspend or delete all social media accounts etc. Its amazing how hard this is for most people to do but believe me that is a huge step.

If or when you reactivate them perhaps use your name in irish, abbreviate it or use a nickname etc. Makes it harder to find you. Also; don't make the mistake i did. I kept it all to myself as my trust in people was destroyed. Do the opposite, tell your friends, family, loved ones etc whats been going on. Don't isolate yourself from support. What you're suffering is abuse. It took me close to a decade to not be a victim, don't be a victim any longer.

leggo

qwerty13 wrote: »

Is there not an option on FB to prevent anyone except friends from posting? i.e. lock down your profiles from public viewing.

Yeah, this. You can make it so your profile doesn’t come up in searches. She can have as many profiles as she wants but she won’t be able to find him. On Insta, your base profile will still be visible if you’re private, but a person can’t see your posts or contact you.

LegacyUser

Many people advise to remove yourselves from social media as a solution to this. I have experience on the receiving end of similar from a relationship break down. This ex, gone from the ops boyfriends life for 3/4 years, is still hammering out abuse after all this time. This person has an axe to grind and still holding it after years. Removing yourselves from Facebook, to some degree, it might help but it's not the answer. After four years, she's still not bored with this. She will find another way to target your boyfriend and his life outside of social media.

LegacyUser

qwerty13 wrote: »

Is there not an option on FB to prevent anyone except friends from posting? i.e. lock down your profiles from public viewing.

+ 1 lock down social media accounts to strictly friends only or else delete them, change phone numbers and be careful who you give them to. Why would there be an expensive court case? He wouldn't be bringing a civil case against her. Report to the guards so they have a record, if its deemed she's been harassing it's a criminal case and it would be on her to defend herself in court not your OH

Ducky00

Stephen Gawking wrote: »

I had a similar experience to yourself OP; i was in a relationship in the early noughties, she was very controlling but i was young & immature; she was older & more experienced. The relationship ended badly which culminated in the worst night of my life. She physically assaulted me, i suffered quite a few injuries but the mental part was worse. She then called the gards & said i was being violent to her.

Gards arrived, didn't matter i was cut, bruised & had torn clothing i was told to leave the house but not arrested. I was in an utter state of shock. This all transpired in the early hours of the morning. I left & just walked in a daze, she rang me & begged for forgiveness, tears, saying come home we can work it out. I didn't. I mustered up the courage to see it through.

Then the real nightmare began. All my so called friends at the time heard her version of events & believed her. I lost all my 'friends,' i had to go to work the next day which i did. I got a call to say i had a visitor at reception. It was herself & her father! She shouted & roared that i was a woman beater & that she wasn't afraid anymore etc. Again, total lies but i was terrified. Imagine my surprise when i got my P45 the same day.

I ended up having to move back to my parents home for a while. She started ringing my mobile incessantly, my parents house phone (no. Was in the book), bombarded with emails. Thankfully social media was in its infancy compared to now but even my email account was spammed. I don't know how i didn't have a nervous breakdown but i know i came close. I ended up having to work nights as a security guard as biĺls had to be paid. I ended up in hospital not long after due to a workplace accident & guess who's in A&E with her mother? Yes, the ex. Hell ensued. As i was wearing a uniform of a well known security company they got bombarded with calls saying i was a woman beater so i lost that job too.

I eventually went to the gards; they were absolutely beyond useless & one of them even said when i was giving a statement that if i wanted to confess something in relation to domestic abuse then it'd go better for me. His colleague said i should have just hit her a slap or 2. Couldn't believe what i was hearing. I just got up & left. When social media began to take off, Myspace, Bebo, fb etc really began takkng off several years later i began to get friend requests from her all declined & blocked.

It took 9 years after we split before i stopped hearing from her. I've rebuilt my life. I'm married to a wonderful woman who made life worth living, we have to great kids, own our own home & are doing well. OP, the best thing you can do is be good to yourself, treat yourself well & most importantly live well. In the short term you should suspend or delete all social media accounts etc. Its amazing how hard this is for most people to do but believe me that is a huge step.

If or when you reactivate them perhaps use your name in irish, abbreviate it or use a nickname etc. Makes it harder to find you. Also; don't make the mistake i did. I kept it all to myself as my trust in people was destroyed. Do the opposite, tell your friends, family, loved ones etc whats been going on. Don't isolate yourself from support. What you're suffering is abuse. It took me close to a decade to not be a victim, don't be a victim any longer.

Jesus that's awful. But thanks for sharing your experience and advice. I've been a bit afraid to tell any of my friends.

Stephen Gawking

Ducky00 wrote: »

Jesus that's awful. But thanks for sharing your experience and advice. I've been a bit afraid to tell any of my friends.

This is going to sound silly or downright weird but an analogy was made to me about my situation several years later; in the movie Gladiator when Richard Harris bestows the powers of emperor on Russell Crowe the mistake was that it was all kept secret. Had there been witnesses or an audience then the ensuing events may not have happened (although the movie would have been crap).

My point is take the risk, the people in your life may surprise you but you'd be better off including your BF in that step. Its a very hard step to take for any man so let him know you think its for the best. It'll mean that should anythjng happen people will see the ex in her true light. It stops manipulative abusers framing the narrative & believe me she'll hate that. Best of luck either way.

.......

Ducky00 wrote: »

Jesus that's awful. But thanks for sharing your experience and advice. I've been a bit afraid to tell any of my friends.

And that contributes to why she is getting away with it.

Expose her.

Anteayer

Going to the Gardai will not result in an expensive court case. You're confusing it with taking civil action (suing someone).

When you report an incident to the Gardai they decide whether to take action and any court case would be taken by the state against the perpetrator of an alleged crime they've been charged with.

The victim doesn't take the case. They're just a witness.

The Gardai can also do things like simply knock on a door to make inquiries or issue a formal warning both of which are often enough to drive home how serious and unacceptable a particular behaviour is.

I would definitely go to the Gardai.

Also please report all of these incidents to the social media companies involved. At the very least it's a breech of T&Cs of use and will her her profiles closed down.

This isn't the school yard and what she's allegedly doing carries serious legal consequences and that should be pointed out to her.