Unsure what to think

Ursus Horribilis

My thoughts? It's time to end this ridiculous joke of a "relationship" and your indulgence of her. You'd swear you were trying to coax her into doing something illegal and deviant, the way she's going on. It's only sex for heaven's sake. Y'know, the thing people do to enjoy themselves. If you can't even bring yourself to have a semi-adult conversation with her about sex at this stage, I don't know when you can. You're asking us for help because you know in your heart and soul that if you say anything that's even fractionally wrong, your faint hopes of sex are off the table. Why are you doing this to yourself?

zapper55

In case you start to develop what? An expectation of a healthy mutually satisfying sex life?

The way she dismissed you wasn't on.

OP I hope you do end it and arent posting in a.few years about being stuck in a sexless marriage.

Kidchameleon

How hot is she? She must be be a 10 if you are so relentlessly pursuing this. It has barren future written all over it. Please listen to the advise you are being given on this thread, end this "relationship" before you regret it even more.

Panthro

Time to cut whatever it is free by the sounds of it OP.
She wants a sexless relationship with far too much involvement of her parents.

Run, run for the hills and find yourself an adult.

Church on Tuesday

If you have any self respect for yourself, you will ditch this clown tonight.

Honestly OP, time to pack this in and find someone fun and normal.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Unsure what to think wrote: »

Thank you for all of the responses. Parents have been met and they couldn’t have been nicer or more pleasant to me.

Things have progressed (but not fully) and I have said that the never staying over (never actually using the “s” word but making it clear that this something that was on my mind) was something that was bothering me. Apologised but still no explanation as to why this is or any idea as to how or when that might happen if ever. However I was told that what has happened won’t happen on every occasion in case I start to develop an expectation!

Progress but I am not sure do I still need to actually mention the “s” word explicitly and if so how would you go about that - hard to know what to say as hinting hasn’t helped and I don’t like the idea of having this conversation by asking the question as baldly as that. Any thoughts?

I think you should probably walk and if you're not you really need to be going into this eyes wide open. Things may have "progressed" but there isn't going to be some magical point where things snap into place and resolve. She has an issue of some sort around sex, whether that's a result of trauma, she's asexual, been messed up by an ultra conservative upbringing (did you get that impression from her parents btw?).

You are not, at all, out of line by asking direct questions about this at this stage. If you're going to continue with the relationship you need to have a frank conversation where you communicate your needs, and her response and how it matches up with her subsequent actions will be telling.

It's obvious you care for this woman and that ye have a bond, there's more to romantic relationships than sex, I know I know. But are you willing to have sex a couple of times a year, if even, for the rest of your life? Could either of you function in a relationship where you get sex outside it? Sex isn't everything but it's not nothing.

From everything you've said about her I'd imagine that kind of conversation about sex will be difficult for her and she might react very negatively. It's something you'll have to do carefully but the time for wait and see is long long gone. Don't do this to yourself for the sake of avoiding an awkward talk.

qwerty13

She isn’t behaving as though you’re in a relationship of equals: she has barriers up about her entire life.

You’re not having sex. Not the ‘S’ word. Sex. You know, the pleasurable and intimately connecting thing that couples do.

You both can’t seem to communicate about relationship issues.

She makes you feel guilty about, well, everything. Does she still cry if you bring up a question she’d rather not discuss?

I honestly cannot understand why you are hanging in there with someone who excludes you from their life, and throws you a tiny bone but tells you that you’d better not get used to that in case you expect, what, teenage 2nd base?! That is just demeaning and horrible.

I still really think you should get the hell away from this person, before their issues start to become your issues.

PS: I know that all sounds very harsh, and I feel for you OP. I genuinely believe you’re on a hiding to nothing, and the longer you stay in this pretend relationship, the worse you will end up feeling about yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

She has you now so afraid of discussing anything that you are now afraid to even use the word.

This is going nowhere.

You will never have any sort of sexual relationship with her. You haven't even had sex yet, and whatever kissing and cuddling you have had, she's telling you not to expect much of that either.

There was a post here a few years ago from a man who was married a good number of years. He and his wife has NEVER had sex. Never. His wife wanted a child, but didn't want to have sex, and this man was being talked into lying to doctors about their fertility.

She's not interested in sex with you. The reasons for it are now irrelevant because she's not willing to treat you as a partner, an equal. She's not willing to discuss it. She has shut you down enough that you now feel like you have no way of starting the discussion.

This relationship has no future. Or at least no future that involves normal sexual contact. She doesn't even want you to get too close or 'expectant' of kissing, cuddles, foreplay etc.

leggo

Only reading this thread now.

“The ‘s’ word”? Really? Like OP this person is now starting to mess YOU up, you’re starting to see it as a word you can’t say to a bunch of adults now. You’re literally warping your brain here to try keep this relationship going, do you not see that?!

Don’t get me wrong, I see the difficulty. You don’t want to make it an ultimatum or gambit and have her feel pressured, when it happens you don’t want to feel like it was because she felt pressured, and there’s the possibility that legitimate reasons where she’s a victim are behind this...I do understand. But there’s a line. You can be a victim and still be a dick about it like. Choosing to not deal with whatever issues, but still wanting someone and expecting them to jump through hoops to make it work for you is INCREDIBLY selfish. It doesn’t matter what preceded that.

Also why did you meet the parents before you had sex? I get that you’re desperate for any kind of progress to legitimise this relationship, I do. But you’ve now made it a serious relationship with stakes before it’s become an actual relationship. All you’ve done here is set up circumstances that will make it hurt more WHEN you get hurt. Where’s your self-preservation instincts? Have you not been hurt before and do you need to get seriously hurt to learn that these things are a bad idea?

“I want a normal relationship. I want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with me, I want someone who wants to confide in me and to be their best friend and confidante, I want to be able to have weekends away and spend the night with them.”

Nothing in that paragraph is selfish. Nothing in that paragraph is wrong and, I have to say this now due to your warped thinking in trying to make this work, nothing in that paragraph caused your previous relationships to fall apart. These are all reasonable, basic needs that she is drawing a line at. She’s point blank refusing to give you a normal relationship and doesn’t respect you enough to give you an explanation.

Here’s a hard truth for you: when you’re mad about someone, you don’t dick them around. Because they mean a lot to you you’re worried that, if you do, you’re going to lose them. So you accommodate them and their wishes as best as you can (as they do you, generally it’s just mutual and easy and there’s no need to ‘accommodate’ even) and, when you can’t, you go out of your way to explain so they don’t run for the hills. She’s doing none of this. She’s not worried about losing you because she’s confident she has you wrapped around her finger and she doesn’t respect you and your feelings enough to even bother explaining nearly a year in.

Regardless of what she’s been through OP, the above is also unequivocally true. You need to accept that and deal with it. Otherwise you just don’t respect yourself.

Rosepetals85

This has gotten beyond ridiculous at this stage.

stargazer 68

Op you are now almost a year into this relationship and she has made herself very clear - However I was told that what has happened won’t happen on every occasion in case I start to develop an expectation!
Seriously!

It's time to cut your losses and move on hard as it will be as someone says you really care for this girl but this is never going anywhere.

ManOfMystery

I think other posters have pretty much covered it all but I will just add - typically in relationships, the 'honeymoon' stage is a hugely physical one, can't keep hands off each other, excitement of intimacy with a new partner and learning about each other's bodies and likes, etc - then naturally it starts to diminish a little over time.

Your relationship seems to be the complete opposite considering it's almost a year in.

When I first started reading the thread I assumed she had either been through a very traumatic experience in her past, or was still living at home with ultra-religious and controlling parents who had effectively brainwashed her into living her life how they saw fit. You've said the parents are very nice so that doesn't seem to be the case. In any event, there's a huge incompatibility between you here and things will only get worse over time, not better - so I don't see what you're getting out of this.

New relationship uncertain

I agree with what the other posters have said today.

Remember your first post …?

New relationship uncertain wrote: »

I really like her and I'm willing to go along with whatever makes her happy

Whatever makes her happy is not having sex, end of. Are you willing to go along with that?

heretochat

I would echo the almost unanimous position on this thread. You are being strung along here and everything is being done to suite your OH. She seems to be unaware of, or unwilling to consider your needs in this "relationship".

Are you that beaten down that you are now using phrases like "the s word".

It is sex, a healthy and necessary part of all functioning relationships.

What you are in is not this...

Ursus Horribilis

Your reference to the "S" word jumped out from the screen to me as well. That's the sort of language an adult might use if they were within earshot of a child. Not when talking to an adult woman who you clearly see as your life partner. Do you have a track record of taking up "projects"?

qwerty13

I’ve already expressed my view on this scenario.

All I can add is that you’re in a non-couples ‘relationship’. If ever there were a ‘friend zone’ situation, well you’re in it.

I don’t get at all why you want to stay. If you do though, do not kid yourself: you are signing up for a no sex or intimacy ‘relationship’. Can you handle that, long term?

SusieBlue

You have been more than patient and understanding. You owe it to yourself to be fulfilled and happy.
She will not address the issue and you cannot fix her.
No one would blame you for calling it quits, she's being utterly unreasonable and very manipulative and selfish.

Its not her fault she has a problem, but its so manipulative of her to make you feel like a monster for expecting something that is a NORMAL part of any adult relationship. She is selfish for expecting you to forego and sacrifice this.

She is being extremely controlling, if she loved you and respected you she would recognise she is being unreasonable and break up with you to find a relationship that fulfills you while taking the initiative to work on her own problems.

Turn it around and switch the roles, if she wanted a healthy sex life but you were unwilling/unable for any sort of intimacy would you expect her to live a life of celibacy with you and throw your toys out of the pram any time the issue was raised?
Or would you work on your issue/let her find someone who can meet all her needs?

LegacyUser

What are you at? Fair enough you like her/love her but why are you continuing with someone who won't discuss the issue with you? She won't even talk to you about it, like! It's hugely unfair on you. We all have our issues but when you care about someone and know your issue is affecting them, you talk it out with them, you explain so they can understand.

There are literally thousands of other women out there that you will be better suited to. Maybe find one of them. Or sign up for a life of no intimacy. It's bothering you enough to post on boards about it, it will get worse for you, not her, but you.

LegacyUser

Guys, OP here. Finally pushed the issue and it turns out she’s a virgin - couple of bad experiences (but nothing as traumatic as I would have thought) have made her reluctant to trust and couple that with a fear of becoming pregnant and being left on her own and it just becoming a bigger and bigger issue as time has gone on seems to make this a major problem for her. I do really like her but I don’t see this improving massively in the near term - the actual thing doesn’t bother me on the slightest but the not telling me and it having to be me eventually dragging it out has really bothered me. I really don’t know if this has a future but would be interested to hear if anyone has come across a situation like this with someone still a virgin this late on and what would people advise in terms of taking this forward or ending this in the kindest way possible - I know that people will think I’m crazy to still be hanging in there but I really do like this girl and I really want to know how to deal with this whether it has a future of just needs to come to an end in the gentlest way possible. Thanks

Ursus Horribilis

I'm not sure what difference this big revelation about her being a virgin is going to make. Even if she lets you near her, all those deep-seated issues she has about sex aren't going to go away. You started this thread in April and at that stage you were already 9 months together. She was dishonest with you then and she isn't being a lot more honest with you now. At this rate this is going, you might get yourself a chaste weekend away maybe next summer. Are you sure she is fearful about pregnancy etc. or is she just asexual and stringing you along?

leggo

Months later you’re still calling it ‘the thing’? Come on dude. Nothing about this is a good idea. As Ursus said, it sounds like she just has zero interest in sex but wants someone around for company. It doesn’t even matter what the reasons are, reality is you’re not compatible and need to start putting time into people who want the same thing as you. The way you end it is by being honest and saying these things, that’s literally it.

mcgragger

If you were late teens early 20s id say stick It out.
But mid 30s. No.
Time to move on from her. I'd a girlfriend for 3 years and we had sex about 10 times. Took 18 months. Had all the usual lines about trust etc but when you fancy someone and they just sit there all the time it gets frustrating. VERY.
I knocked it on the head eventually and didn't regret it. Life is for living and we are only young once.

fmpisces

Ah OP, it took her the guts of a year to confide in you that she is a virgin....I get that's not an easy thing to admit to, especially the older one gets, but I really don't think that's a good sign for the future. Couples have to communicate about the good, the bad and the ugly or what is the point?

Ursus Horribilis

Everybody starts out as a virgin and then makes the choice to lose it. Everybody has their own story about when and how they lost theirs but there's usually one common thread running through them all. They wanted to have sex. By the time somebody gets to your girlfriend's age, there are usually only two reasons why they're still virgins. Either they never met somebody they liked enough to have sex with (but are still open to it) or they have psychological reasons. Your "girlfriend" is in the second category. She knows that you've been trying to have a regular, boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with her. Instead of trying to nurture this relationship and to get past her issues, she has been messing you around for more than a year now. She is telling you what she is but you won't listen. You're not listening to her, you're not listening to us.

There are all sorts of reasons why she'd keep you around. You get on well on a friendship level, I assume. We also know that a lot of life in Ireland is based around couples so it's handy for her to have somebody in tow. And it probably makes her parents happy that their terminally single daughter has finally found a fella and won't be living alone with her cats. I don't know what you expect to happen next. You finally managed - after a year - to get her to finally admit she's a virgin. So what? Is she really going to turn into a (more) sexual person if you get to consummate this joke of a relationship? Has she offered to take steps to fix her issues? No, didn't think so.

D3V!L

Honest question OP and I don't mean this in a bad way but have confirmed your lady friend isn't hiding something in the "physical" sense ?

Tiddlypeeps

I'm gonna go the opposite direction. You have stuck it out this long for a reason, she must be something special for you to stick it out this long with such a major road block in the way. It's possible that the scariest and most difficult part of this for her was admitting this to you, now that that's out of the way it's possible you can work on it. Has she expressed an interest in working on this with you? Is she willing to see a therapist? Maybe you can find one that specializes in sex and you can go together? Although if you do go down that road it's probably still worth while for her to see a therapist alone too.

That's all on the assumption this is something she actually wants to resolve. You have been together long enough now that you should be able to have a frank conversation about it. If she isn't willing to take any steps to resolve this then you obviously have your answer and need to decide if you are willing to live with a sexless relationship.

Church on Tuesday

OP I'm not in the slightest surprised that your GF is a virgin. No doubt for her to admit as much was daunting and in her eyes embarrassing.

However that is not a very good sign for the future. Not the fact that she is a virgin, that is irrelevant, but rather that it took so long for her to open up to you about this issue. People like your GF tend to run away from things that can cause discomfort and stress; I know this because my ex was the same. Instead of sitting down and talking things out and being up front about things, she bottled everything up to the determent and eventual failure of our relationship.

You can't 'fix' people like this OP. She can only do that herself. I learned that the very hard way. I have no doubt that your GF cares for you, maybe even loves you, but all that counts for nothing if she is not a happy person in herself and won't or can't do her bit.

Another poster has suggested counseling for her. I highly doubt she will do that. It would be too much hassle and stress and so the cycle continues and you, like I did after, will suffer greatly. You don't want that. Do you really want to be in a sexless relationship, a dead bedroom when ye should be having fun at this stage?

By all means suggest counselling but if and when she shoots that down, that is your time to leave. You are clearly a gentleman and a proper man, so you have done your best with this. Then go out and find someone compatible to you.

SozBbz

OP, there is nothing inherently wrong with being a virgin, but there is EVERYTHING wrong with the way shes treated you for over a year. Being a virgin is not some special status which means that those around you must pander to your world view or treat you like you're made of glass.

Its not normal or healthy to withhold information like that for so long. She's keeping you very much at arms length and has all the power in the relationship. This is not a good basis from which to move forward.

I've tried to empathise with her point of view, but I'm struggling to find anything. I can completely understand that over time the issue of ones virginity may become huge in ones own mind. However, it doesnt explain having a seemingly nice man be patient for over a year. If she was waiting to meet a nice man, surely thats already happened. It seems theres a deeprooted issue around sex. Either that or shes just not into you and stringing you along. Regardless, her giving you crumbs and then telling you not to get expectations, is not good whatever way you look at it.

Theres no good outcome here for you OP.

Kalimah

A friend of my partner's is in your position OP and it's been going on 30 plus years. They " live together" and are engaged but she has no intention of ever having sex or being married. It's a crying shame. If I was in his shoes I'd have been gone long ago.

hawley

Hi OP, what else has happened over the last couple of months? Are ye meeting up regularly, do you stay over at her place, have you met her friends, have you gone out together or on holidays with each other? It's very hard to comment on anything without knowing how the other parts of the relationship are functioning. She comes across as being a really nice person in your other posts and you obviously have feelings(love?) for her. At this stage you have to be upfront with her, you owe her that much anyway. You should tell her that you want to progress the relationship and that you'd like to have sex. If she says that she doesn't believe in premarital sex and the relationship is going well, you need to think over whether or not you want to get engaged. If it doesn't improve at that stage, you could go your separate ways. Another option is to attend counselling together as a couple, so that you can open up to each other. You need to have some sort of plan in place.