Unsure what to think

LegacyUser

Guys, OP here again. Thank you all your input to date - I really do appreciate it. I know that this is an odd situation and I totally understand why you would all say just walk away but I really do think I love this girl - if sex (or the lack of it) could be resolved this is the only real issue that I see. In all other respects this is perfectly normal and happy - we have met friends, family and have spent a lot of time together including a holiday which is where the virgin conversion happened. This was followed up by another conversation where it emerged she has only really had one serious relationship that lasted for a number of years - they lived together and were briefly engaged at the end but it ended badly with her being the one to end it. I can't imagine how sex was not an absolutely massive issue in that relationship (and I wonder if that was a reason for it ending) but I only have her side of this to go on. We have done a certain amount sexually (and continue to do so) but we have not actually had sex - she keeps talking about needing to let her guard down but if a number of years with another guy and an engagement (even if it didn't come at a great time according to her) makes me wonder if it will ever happen. I do feel like I've committed a lot here and I have tried to be as patient and understanding as I can be. I was a late developer in this respect for a lot of the same reasons as she is so that does make me a bit more understanding than would usually be the case but I also know there is a huge difference in this being something you deal with in your early 20s as in my case and still having issues with in your mid thirties after a long term relationship including an engagement. I do think that all of this was really material information and I do think not telling me until I more or less had to drag it out was not great - I have never put any pressure on her or anybody I have been involved with in any respect but I do think that this all should have come up much sooner. I am happy but I don't know if this is something that she really wants to change - I could suggest counselling but I think she will see this as me saying I want her to "fix her problem" which is not the case. I would want it to be a way for us to discuss this with a neutral third party to see if this is something she can or even wants to get past. If it isn't that's totally fine but I don't know how to bring this up - a close family member has just gotten engaged too so it is a sensitive time to being this up so sort of at a loss as to what to do next

Church on Tuesday

New relationship uncertain wrote: »

Guys, OP here again. Thank you all your input to date - I really do appreciate it. I know that this is an odd situation and I totally understand why you would all say just walk away but I really do think I love this girl - if sex (or the lack of it) could be resolved this is the only real issue that I see. In all other respects this is perfectly normal and happy - we have met friends, family and have spent a lot of time together including a holiday which is where the virgin conversion happened. This was followed up by another conversation where it emerged she has only really had one serious relationship that lasted for a number of years - they lived together and were briefly engaged at the end but it ended badly with her being the one to end it. I can't imagine how sex was not an absolutely massive issue in that relationship (and I wonder if that was a reason for it ending) but I only have her side of this to go on. We have done a certain amount sexually (and continue to do so) but we have not actually had sex - she keeps talking about needing to let her guard down but if a number of years with another guy and an engagement (even if it didn't come at a great time according to her) makes me wonder if it will ever happen. I do feel like I've committed a lot here and I have tried to be as patient and understanding as I can be. I was a late developer in this respect for a lot of the same reasons as she is so that does make me a bit more understanding than would usually be the case but I also know there is a huge difference in this being something you deal with in your early 20s as in my case and still having issues with in your mid thirties after a long term relationship including an engagement. I do think that all of this was really material information and I do think not telling me until I more or less had to drag it out was not great - I have never put any pressure on her or anybody I have been involved with in any respect but I do think that this all should have come up much sooner. I am happy but I don't know if this is something that she really wants to change - I could suggest counselling but I think she will see this as me saying I want her to "fix her problem" which is not the case. I would want it to be a way for us to discuss this with a neutral third party to see if this is something she can or even wants to get past. If it isn't that's totally fine but I don't know how to bring this up - a close family member has just gotten engaged too so it is a sensitive time to being this up so sort of at a loss as to what to do next

It really really isn't OP, sorry.

That relationship that ended, if it ever did actually happen, is a precursor to what will happen to this relationship. Massive red flag.

I don't know what else you want us to say OP, you've got pretty good solid advice and takes on your situation here. At best you could suggest counselling but I doubt she will want to go down that route.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do in the long run but I'd choose wisely if I were you.

LegacyUser

OP I am a woman who was also a 'late starter' as you called yourself. I was shy, after a sexual assault at a party when I was 19 I steered clear of men and the idea of relationships for a number of years and I just never seemed to meet the right people/person. During this time I wasn't having sex. The difference is, I really wanted to! When I met my first boyfriend, I couldn't wait to have sex with him. When I told him I was a virgin he was surprised and then felt a lot of responsibility to make it 'good' so we didn't have sex for the first few months of our relationship and it was agony, all that waiting. My point is, I wasn't having sex because of other reasons (shyness, aversion to men for a while) but once the opportunity was there I was ready and willing and looking forward to it.

This woman is not the same. She hasn't had sex because she hasn't wanted to or she can't. Whatever the reason, it's not a simple fix, it's not that she's waiting for the right time - it's something else and she hasn't told you what that is yet. She might not have even figured it out herself yet but how long are you going to ralistically wait?
I'd say maybe the previous boyfriend thought the security of an engagement or marriage make her feel secure enough in their relationshop to let her guard down but even that didn't work so it's not security she is waiting for...and it's not alovely boyfriend because she has you...so what is it?

Kidchameleon

OP waht are you trying to get out of this thread? You are not listening to anyone...

Ursus Horribilis

OP, you are starting to sound like a broken record now. I am not one bit surprised to see you back again with another long missive and still no sex. You have been told repeatedly over the months that you are very unlikely to ever have a normal sex life with this woman. Maybe you should just accept your fate and resign yourself to a life of celibacy. You are wasting our time now. You have no intention of ending this relationship, do you? Going by the way she has behaved to date she's not going to be having (much) sex with you either. Some people just can't be told.

I also have a lot of doubts about this supposed previous relationship she had. Someone is spinning us a yarn and I'm not entirely sure who...

Sardonicat

OP, can you clarify what you mean when you say you have done some sexual stuff but haven't had sex? When you say 'have sex' do you mean sexual intercourse? Are you enjoying sexual encounters with each other up to mutual climax and stopping short of intercourse or is it just a bit of fumbling around that doesn't go anywhere?

Calypso Realm

Yes, I was wondering about the above as well. Just how far is she willing to go? How long did it take to progress from one phase to another? How aroused do you think she is during these sessions?

I suspect this has everything to do with her attitude to having sex and sexual matters more than anything else. None of us here can possibly know the real reasons of course, but it could even be something as simple as her belief you'll bail once the deed is done! Something 'engendered' in her psyche......

cannotlogin

If a women's sex drive hasn't reached it's peak by her 30s, it's unlikely too afterwards.

Therefore, you're a little naive to be focusing on how to improve the sexual relationship between you, the real question is if this is as good as it gets, can you live with it?

I think even if it goes improve to some extent, you are unlikely to ever have mind blowing sex again or even a healthy sex life, that's what you need to focus on. Will it be enough?

PressRun

She was with someone for YEARS and was even engaged to them and didn't have sex even once? And now she's with you and you get along in every other way, but she's still not interested in having sex?

I'm sorry, but even by late starter standards, that's way out there.

She is asexual. I really believe that.

qwerty13

Reading your updates just cements it more in my head: you either accept that your future has zero sex in it, or you leave her.

Harsh, I know. But so very many red flags. It’s not your job to ‘fix’ whatever issues she has.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

I think you sound like an incredibly kind and patient person.

This might be an unpopular opinion but I think men are getting a hard time at the moment for having sexual urges, there's some weird subconscious sense that you should be able to control yourselves and, yes, that's true in some ways (obviously), but I really feel like that message has been weirdly warped and somehow swung in the complete other direction where a decent person like you, who is in a loving relationship is now feeling guilty for wanting to have sex with his girlfriend of 9 months.

I don't think you will or you want to break up with her. Companionship is important, and clearly you guys have that HOWEVER, please don't ignore some of the red flags that are glowing here.

1. Being in a long term relationship and engaged to a person who she must have trusted, living together and not having sex.

I'm sorry, this is very strange. Why would it be any different with you?

2. Waiting 9 months to actually tell you she is a virgin, fully knowing that you are obviously really wondering WTF is going on.... surely, if she felt the same genuine connecton that you do, she'd have wanted to explain this sooner.

3. When you are in a meaningful relationship, especially at the start, you are always trying to make the other person happy. There's a natural inclination to anticipate and meet this persons needs. As in, you completely denying yourself any sexual satisfaction to make her happy. How has she accomodated you.

4. Her having to explain to her parents what she is doing at the weekend, despite being in her thirties and having lived with previous partners...

5. If you do eventually have sex, it's 100% going to be a massive anti-climax for both of you and you have no reason to believe she won't put her chastity pants back on.

6. Plenty of women have negative and traumatic sexual experiences (as you say, it wasn't that bad), and make an effort to move on from them. Is she the type of person who can't move on from things? Seriously like, that needs to be acknowledged.

7. There are a lot of women who are pretty straight forward, nice, caring and won't make you jump through all these hoops.

In my experience and from the experiences of my friends (I'm 38 btw), the reasons that relationships end are generally all the red flags we ignore at the start. I can think of loads of scenarios where I really wanted to believe that some guy could be this, would change when he realised that, was only doing this because of X,Y,Z. People don't change.

If you accept this, expect it to recur the whole way through your relationship in different ways. Is that the future you want?